Coming to you live from the eloquently-named American Bank Center in Corpus Christi, TX - last night's Monday Night RAW was our lead-in to Sunday's PPV, the legendary Great American Bash. Second only to Starrcade in the Golden-Age of Territorial PPV, the Bash has a rich history (of Dusty Rhodes going over) that, while I will always associate it with Jim Crockett Promotions (and for a few watchable years, Ted Turner's WCW); I'm glad to see the WWF, er, E attempting to keep the tradition alive.
After the introductions, the crowd is popped by the music of Motorhead's "King of Kings", which could only signal the Game himself, Triple H. Hmm, they had said he was coming back, so it's not really all that surprising. What is surprising is how in the time off, Triple H came back looking so much like King Booker T and Charmel. Now that's shape shifting...oh wait, that's really just Booker T and Charmel. Booker grabs the stick to chastise Triple H for his use of the "King of Kings" as his entrance theme, declaring blasphemy, being that he is the only true King in the WWE. Using his (delusional) power of monarchy, he "strips" Triple H of his association with the word "King." Does this at all remind you of the time Booker wrestled Ahmed Johnson (or Big T, Mr. T, Sweet Tea, whatever he was in WCW) for exclusive rights to the letter T?
Making his way over to JR and Jerry Lawler, he then attempts to strip Jerry Lawler of his "Kingdom." Jerry tries to reason with him, claiming there is room for both Kings in the WWE. Booker isn't trying to hear that, and attempts to throw his weight around by making Lawler kiss his ring. All of a sudden the greatest hillbilly wrestling fan's voice appears from the 3rd-4th row with a "Don't do it, Jeeeeerrrryyyyy" that had this stoned reviewer rolling. Jerry proceeds to tell Booker that he has been a King for over 30 years (goddamnit) and he's not kissing anybody's rings, and Booker can suck his goddamn dick (although in much more family-friendly language). Booker swings, and Jerry Lawler unleashes a swarm of overhand rights to a crowd pop so huge I got online just to double check that RAW wasn't in Memphis. Score on for the REAL King.
Periodically throughout the night, we are treated to "expert analysis" by the WWE's top superstars, as for their prediction for the Main Event Title Match at the Great American Bash, between John Cena and Bobby Lashley.
Ric Flair places his prediction squarely on John Cena, citing the fact that Cena has been champ before, and true champs (of which I guess he would know...) know how to get the belt and hang onto it.
Back in the ring we have our first contest of the evening, in a 4-way Dance for a shot at Umaga's Intercontinental Title at the Great American Bash. Our participants are Jeff Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Santino Marella, and Lord Steven Regal. This ended up being a decent match, good mat wrestling with a couple high-impact maneuvers thrown in for good measure. The commentary was cracking me up during this match though, as J.R. referred to Jeff Hardy as the "Rainbow Haired Warrior" (that's a little nicer than what I would have said), and when discussing Santino Marella's disappointment over losing his IC belt to Umaga, Lawler declared that "Santino's reality check had bounced." Jeff Hardy with the pinfall for the IC title match at the Bash.
We then cut to a Kane promo about how Kane is "everywhere", like in the bathroom, the closets, etc. Rather than discuss this stupid vignette to hype his World Title match with Edge at the PPV, I will just include this picture of me and Kane appearing together at an event for charity. Ah, it feels good when celebrities come together to give back to the community.
After an up-to-standards promo from Randy Orton re-affirming his "Legend Killer" status, we cut to Maria comforting a very depressed Santino Marella backstage. Santino professes that he wants to quit the wrestling business, that he feels like a loser. That's the spirit, Santino - if at first you don't succeed, quit. Come on, do it for me. Not gonna happen, as Santino then uses his "smooth Italian ways" to lure Maria back to his hotel room.
Back to our Bash predictions, we're joined by Rhodes Scholar Dave Batista, who gave a very "softball" prediction, saying both guys were tough competitors, blah blah blah. Batista has his money on Bobby Lashley though.
The poster-child for oral-hygiene, Snitsky, cuts a promo flashing his grill that would make Paul Wall jealous. Which then takes us to our next contest, Snitsky vs. Val Venis. Whoa, Val Venis. He's still around? I remember when he first came out, I would get genuinely nervous every time he came to the ring in the towel, that he would in fact be naked underneath and I would be forced to see schlong on RAW in the name of Vince's "Attitude" era. Anyway, Snitsky whooped-the-far out of Val Venis in a match that seemed to leave the audience truly creped out by Snitsky, rather than afraid.
If Starrcade was Ric Flair's PPV, then the Great American Bash was definitely Dusty Rhodes' time to shine. Which would make sense that one of the main attractions Sunday night would be Dusty Rhodes in a Bullrope Match against Randy Orton. Remember what I said last week about the young audience not really understanding WTF a bullrope match is? Well, I was right - and they sent Jerry Lawler to the ring with a bullrope to explain the concept to the crowd, as well as to brush them up on some of the history of the bullrope/cowbell/wrasslin combination.
Which leads us to the in-ring debut of Cody Rhodes. After seeing him for the second week, I am steadfastly convinced that kid is not the seed of Dusty Rhodes. Listening to him cut his promo, his mannerisms, etc....I mean you take one look at Dustin Rhodes, and it's obvious. I don't know what 6-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon you would need to connect this kid to Big Dust, but you're not fooling me.
Cody Rhodes wasn't too bad of a worker, he seemed to know how to sell, but he also kind of reeked of "wrestling school graduate", and was thoroughly taken to school by Randy Orton. Afterwards we cut to a bizarre vignette that seemed to be...highlights of Randy Orton giving knees to the head of guys who were already down. Dastardly.
Our next Great American Bash prediction comes from none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin, who was so polite and non-raunchy, he literally almost seemed depressed. I'm serious, he had the same look on his face as I saw on the mug of Randy "Pee Wee" Anderson on a Nitro re-run last week, doing his "I've wrassled cancer" soliloquy. Austin's pick is John Cena, based on the "tuffness."
Women's competition is back in order with Melina vs. Mickey James vs. Candice Michelle.
At this point, my own personal women's competition took priority, as I received a call from some trim, causing me to miss the next 15 minutes of RAW, so I couldn't tell ya what happened. Unfortunately SGM management will not pay for TiVO, and DVR's are for people who pay their cable bill.
Upon returning to television, Mick Foley was giving his two-cents-worth on the main event of the Bash and his choice of Bobby Lashley, which basically equated to "Lashley - great, Cena - sucks." JBL also weighed in, picking Cena as the winner based on his having more "experrrence."
Back in the squared circle, we have Carlito vs. The Sandman (who I'll be damned if he doesn't look like he had Botox). After interference from William Regal caused a DQ victory for The Sandman, Regal's interference is broken up by none other than Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and I couldn't have been more under-whelmed. Sorry folks, I've just never dug Duggan.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy ended up being a decent match, with Crazy pulling out some decent lucha ish. The highlight of this match for me though was once again the commentary, with JR and the King discussing the finer points of the Abdominal Stretch to the point of beating it far to death, as if almost to crack each other up. Every time King would try to change the subject, JR would fire back with "Well how does it affect your breathing, King? Being in the abdominal stretch..." Mr. Kennedy gets the pinfall on Super Crazy.
And finally the main event is...a Debate-style promo set up with podiums and all for John Cena and Bobby Lashley. The debate is hosted by RAW General Manager Jonathan Coachman, who has come a long fricking way, people. I remember when he was first given a broadcasting job, he was the most devoid-of-charisma, uninteresting schmuck I had seen on WWF TV since Kevin Kelly. (Hey, watching Todd Pettengill was like being kicked in the balls by a Dodge RAM, but at least he did have enthusiasm. As an aside, he is one of the most popular radio DJ's here in New York City, so I cannot escape the asshole). But this is about RAW and the Coach, and boy has Coach said his prayers and took his vitamins, the ol' boy's not half bad to watch nowadays.
With both champion and challenger in the ring, Cena lets off with a humorous answer to Coach's first question. When it came Bobby Lashley's turn to answer questions, things got unexpectedly awkward. Being the beast that he is, Bobby Lashley's voice sounds like a 21 year-old manager at Office Depot, and he's not all that keen on promos. Lashley looked visibly uncomfortable and tells the crowd that talking is not what he does, that's what John Cena does, so he should just let Cena do the talking. With that, the challenger tries to leave, only to be heckled by Jonathan Coachman, who orders him to take this seriously, and that this is his segment (bitch). Lashley decides he's going to pulverize the Coach, who then threatens to strip him of his title shot if Bobby lays a hand on him. So who do you turn to? Your champion, John Cena. Love him or hate him (and I've taken a bit of flack from friends for being a Cena mark), the man has enough intensity, charisma, and enthusiasm to compensate his 5-moves-of-doom. For the last 5 minutes of RAW, Cena cut a blistering promo that not only talked Bobby Lashley down from his roid rage, but told the fans they should tune in to the Bash to see two Champions Clash (no pun intended) over the most coveted title in all of professional wrestling.
And this folks is where we end things. What did I think of RAW? Like I said last week, they have their work cut out for them trying to rebuild things, but it really seems like (and I'm not gonna jump the gun yet and give Vince credit for getting things back in order, because as soon as I do that, he will inevitably disappoint me), but for this weeks RAW and last, with more in-ring mechanics, less dramatics, and a new-found focus on the World Heavyweight Title as "the reason we compete", the focus seems to slowly be moving back to good-old-fashioned wrasslin, updated for the 2K7.
I give tonight's RAW 3.5 out of 5 Honky Tonk Man Hasbro Action Figures.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Palumbo's RAW Review, 7/17/07
Saturday, July 14, 2007
SGM Official Seals
Check 'em out.
First try didn't turn out great:
I'm partial to the last two:
(Through Mad Science to conquer darkness.)
(For the greater glory of Mad Science.)
I don't know that we NEED an official seal, but this was fun. You can go to the URL in the image and make your own.
Punisher (MAX): Widowmaker
This has been one incredible story arc!
Covering Punisher #43-49, this story has been totally kickass. Five widows of mobsters go a-hunting for the Punisher, while a mystery woman hunts the bella mafia. And this story had some incredible characterization, which really pulled me in; everything from the Samuel Jackson-inspired police officer, down to the illiterate moll.
The connection between the Punisher and the mystery woman is one of kindred spirituality. Turns out the woman owes a debt to the Punisher, and he finds in her an emotional anchor that he didn't expect. But the twist at the end ... whoa. Wow. I mean, wow. It really drives home the dark road that the Punisher travels, and the emotional and mental sacrifices that Frank Castle had to make when he donned the big skull.
Now, contrast this book with shite like "Punisher War Journal." I used to believe that the Punisher was at his best chasing costumed criminals - and maybe in the hands of a better writer1, he would be - but this current arc has been terribly handled, with the Punisher donning an ersatz Captain America costume and facing the Hate Monger over what feels like the past 100 issues (which, in actuality, has only been four issues so far, but still feels like it's in the middle of the tale). And while I do look forward to seeing the Punisher facing the Hulk (for his entry in the "World War Hulk" shindig), the MAX series has the mainstream Marvel Universe title beat, hands down.
Punisher MAX series: 2 1/2 count
Punisher MAX: Widowmaker: 3 count
Punisher War Journal: 1 count
1The writer is, conveniently enough, Matt Fraction, as in, "a fraction of the talent needed to write an interesting comic series." Hoo hoo, I'm such a bitch!
[Lucha Libre] The Road to Triplemania XV continues ...
After a rough start due to problems with the digital feed, lucha love continues.
Fabi Apache takes man-sized chairshots, and looks hot hot hot doing it. And how does a referee heal the damage? By pouring water on it, of course.
Super Calo (WCW, 1998-1999)
vs.
Randy Savage (WWF, 1988-89)
Whoever it is that programs a public service announcement about the dangers of methamphetamine abuse after a Juventud Guerrera promo is a goddamn genius.
Extreme Tiger's 450 Splash from the top rope to the ground was muy impressive; surprised he didn't toast his shit like Sexy Star did last week though. Buut ... he doesn't live through the powerbomb into the LIGHT TUBES OF DEATH~!!
I bet El Guapito has gotten more free pussy than most people have paid for.
Alebrije con Cuije, you dress like a ladybug, you deserve all the shit you get ... but where do you order a walker for a midget?
The Chessman vs. Kenzo Suzuki sequences in the main event were pretty damn macho, but the power of the Secta de Mesias & the Foreign Legion is too much for the Hell Brothers.
Triplemania XV is this Sunday, but it will air on Galavision on 8/11/07 ... the countdown is on!
One reason that lucha libre is better than American wrestling: The announcers sing to the wrestlers' entrance music.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Palumbo's RAW Review, 7/10/07
Right about now you’re probably thinking, “What the hell makes you, Jake Palumbo, qualified to review Monday Night RAW???” Well, because Nate said so and that’s the bottom line. Seriously folks, like Memphis’s Mid-South Coliseum all through the 80’s, watching wrestling on Monday nights is good, honest American tradition; it just feels right to have RAW on Mondays, to the point I was never able to really get into watching SmackDown.
Knowing that the contributors of SGM (as well as most of its readership) are also card-carrying wrestling geeks like myself, it’s comforting to be amongst my people and not have to tout my so-called credentials like a lot of the internet wrestling community feels the need to do.
Although I should point out, as a token of my realness, that I have seen both the Fake Razor Ramon and the Fake Diesel wrestle live. Beat that.
A couple things you need to know about me - My mentality when it comes to the squared circle is very old-school; not as old-school as say, Beau James, but I often long for the days when the Horsemen slamming Barry Windham’s hand into a car door would generate heat that Triple H fucking the dead corpse of Kane’s DUI victim could only dream of. Also, I have a tendency to still refer to Vince’s promotion as the WWF.
With that said, let’s jump into tonight’s Monday Night RAW, coming to you live from the Cajun Dome…
Our curtain-jerker for the evening pits Bobby Lashley against King Booker. Is it just me, or does Booker T have this look of “Please Kill Me Now” these days? Seriously, the man left his intensity in Houston or something. Maybe it’s the long-term effects of rocking a gimmick that’s stupid and unnecessary; maybe Charmel has been putting Seroquel in his mashed potatoes to keep him from doing Spinneroonies at the dinner table. I don’t know. But I do like Bobby Lashley; he has the size and charisma of a Brock Lesnar with some pretty decent mat wrestling ability, almost like Kurt Angle Lite. Lashley is also smart enough to keep himself basically off the microphone, given that he has the Tony Gwynn syndrom of the-voice-doesn't-match-the-man.
The match was cut short my Mr. Kennedy’s interference, with a nasty double-team on the former ECW champ. The melee is broken up by Jonathan Coachman, ordering the heels to lay off Lashley, because Kennedy and Booker will be facing Lashley and a partner of his choice in the main event of tonight’s RAW, providing Bobby can find a partner. I love that booking logic – with a roster of wrestlers backstage, where in the hell are you gonna find a tag team partner at this hour??
Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Santino Marella – I have little-to-no-use for Umaga (I know they need a “monster” heel, but he’s not your guy. I just don’t buy it. You want a monster, I would look toward the Great Khali…) and Santino Marella’s fan-in-the-crowd-becomes-IC-champ story brings back (bad) memories of Savio Vega. Well, Santino was here to exercise his rematch clause for the IC title. Luckily this match was only on my TV for a few minutes, with the Champ squashing Santino in the timely manner I like my Umaga matches to wrap up in.
Up next we have the tag-team action of Cade & Murdoch vs. the Highlanders. I didn’t think much of Cade & Murdoch when they debuted, to me it seemed like they were hired just so the WWF could have something resembling a tag team division, but those two have grown on me recently, especially with their “good sportsmanship” angle; that shit was just funny. Basic tag-team wrestling, once again, short and sweet with Cade & Murdoch getting the pinfall victory.
I was kinda disappointed to see Snitsky squash the living Juvi-Juice out of Super Crazy in the next contest, being that I think Super Crazy is a very under-utilized talent. Let the man simply be a great luchadore, quit trying to pair him with Divas to get people to like him. One of Vince’s faults (aside from cocaine-fueled booking at times) is his inability to let workers do what they do best in an attempt to get over. He always has a “better idea” it seems like. Like the Red Rooster.
At the top of the hour, we cut to a vignette from last week’s program, involving the “Legend-Killer” Randy Orton disrespecting none other than “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. Big Dust was backstage with his son Cody, probably dropping knowledge about going to “the pay window” or something equally wise, when Orton comes over to pick a fight. What killed me was how much Dusty Rhodes’ son didn’t look like Dusty. Frankly the kid had the look of a male model that didn’t get the Abercrombie job and was forced to push jeans for Structure or Hollister instead. I’m supposed to believe that one of Dusty’s offspring came out a Jeff County quarterback and the other one came out Goldust???? Anyway, as you might have seen last week, Orton gave a (surprisingly girly) slap to Dusty’s face, right in front of the son who proceeded to NOT whoop Orton’s ass.
Back in the Cajun Dome, the viewers at home are serenaded with the fabulous entrance music as The American Dream enters the ring…
He’s just a common man
Working hard with his hands
He’s just a common man
Working hard for the man…
Sapphire was unavailable for tonight’s RAW on the count of being dead.
Of course Dusty demands the Legend Killer come and face him in the ring, in order to chastise Orton on his lack of respect for his elders in the wrestling “bidness.” Inevitably, Orton ends up challenging Rhodes to a match at the Pay-Per-View he made famous, The Great American Bash. Dusty admits he isn’t in the best shape of his career (shocking), but agrees to the match on the condition that it also be the match he made famous…The Texas Bullrope Match!!! Which proceeded to confuse and puzzle the 21-or-under crowd who probably don’t know what the fuck a Bullrope match is? Hell, I watched one the other day on WWE 24/7 and I’m still not exactly sure what it is. After some good old-fashioned tough talk amongst the Legend and the Legend Killer, Cody Rhodes caps the promo off with a (not surprisingly girly) slap to Orton’s face.
Back to the ring, we see newcomer Paul London take on Shelton Benjamin in what ended up being some decent catch-as-catch-can wrestling. This was the first time I’d seen Paul London, and his wrestling attire was somewhere between a bi-curious Sabu and Al Snow when he was Avatar for about two weeks (crazy kudos to anyone who remembers that…) Jim Ross deserves respect for the heartfelt effort he puts into trying to get good mat wrestling over on television. “Folks, those arm-bar slams are just EFFECTIVE. Really effective.” London manages to impress me with a very nice Enziguri only to finish off Shelton Benjamin with a modified Hurracanrana (“You call that a Frankensteiner, Mike Tenay…”) into a pinning combo. This match was a nice surprise.
The Diva Tag Match featuring Candace Michelle & Mickie James taking on Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix. Luckily the WWF has forced their divas to actually learn some wrestling moves. As a man who had to sit through Alundra Blayze vs. Bull Nakano 100,000 times in the 90’s, I appreciate that the Women’s division has at least gotten watchable in recent years. There was even a Lou Thesz press broken out in this match. Still though, if you’ve seen one Diva’s match, you’ve seen ‘em all. Candace Michelle with the backslide for the pinfall victory. I do love me some Mickie James though….
We cut to two separate vignettes, one touting the return of Triple H to in-ring action (love him or hate him, and I do both at times, our sport is probably better with him than without him these days. He does at least stand for the old-school values of this “bidness.”), and the second vignette showing Bobby Lashley having a conversation backstage with road agent Arn Anderson. Jim Ross swears Anderson, a great tag-team wrestler in his own right, is giving him pointers on choosing a partner, but I could have sworn they were discussing Die Hard with a Vengeance.
Back in the ring Lord Steven Regal is getting ready to face The Sandman. Less than two minutes into the action, The Sandman (who I suspect had been drinking), starts swinging the Singapore cane at everyone within a 50-foot radius, earning William Regal a DQ victory.
Before our final match of the evening, John Cena is live via satellite hot off an appearance on Larry King Live this evening. Cena kept cracking a grin during his promo, and I think it was because he was genuinely gassed to be on Larry King. Anyway, this was your basic Cena promo, but what I found refreshing about it was Cena and Bobby Lashley (who will lock horns at The Great American Bash) seem to be feuding over…the title. What a novel concept. How long has it been since the title has been the focal point of a championship match?
Finally, onto the Main Event…
Booker T and Mr. Kennedy make their way to the ring, followed by Bobby Lashley. His surprise partner is…wait for it…Jeff Hardy. Huh? Not exactly what I expected. I won’t deny for a nano-second that the Hardy Boyz can wrestle their asses off, and have put themselves at great personal risk for the excitement of the fans. But Matt has a permanent look of I DON’T UNDERSTAND on his face, and Jeff is a flaming homo.
The match was once again, short and sweet. Good quality brawling, with Bobby Lashley hitting the spear for the pinfall on Mr. Kennedy.
So what does this all mean? Given the odds being totally stacked against them, with the Benoit debacle, the McMahon death debacle, the fact that frankly their roster is limited right now, with most of the veterans out of action (Michaels, RVD, etc), the WWE definitely had their work cut out for them to try and get things back on some sort of reasonable track. It will take time, love and tenderness, as a man name Bolton so wisely sang in the 80’s, but if they can put the focus back on good wrestling and storylines that actually make sense, things might just come back around.
I give tonight’s RAW 3.5 out of 5 Honky Tonk Man Hasbro Action Figures.
Till next time, Science Gone Mad…
That Other Site
Look at the countdown. I love it. Still not posting there, but I love the countdown.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
[Lucha Libre] Olaaay, olay olay olay ....
... Ciber, Ciber!
I'm almost convinced that Sexy Star just might be Stacy Keibler under a mask. Which I know isn't the case, but I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
That's the funny thing about wrestling: I never realized how much I'd want to see a La Parka vs. Kenzo Suzuki match until today. But I think a one-on-one match in AAA would be about as foreign an object as a fistful of rolled-up quarters.
The Hell Brothers (AAA, 2007)
vs.
The Voodoo Murders (AJPW, 2006)
Zorro never should have lost the mask, as he looks like RA the Rugged Man. And not in a good way. And where's Gronda?
One reason that lucha libre is better than American wrestling: Fans who bring cremated remains to the shows.
Looking for some recommendations ...
Just some site jank ...
Anyone have any suggestions for how to condense that Travel Guide at the bottom of the blog? I thought I had some up with a good solution, since the dropdown menu wouldn't work on Firefox's browser; I put the links in tables, but once I started adding a few, the links started spacing out very strangely.
To answer a long-gone question, the "universal truths" didn't work with the banner-as-site-title, so I stored those on my profile. If I can figure out something to do with the links, I might put those back on the bottom of the blog.
And I for one am STOKED for the pending Palumbo RAW reviews. And any other Palumbo goodness that comes our humble way.
The SGM Super 30 Video Game Rundown
Here's YOUR Super 30 Video Game SummaryTM
30) Space Invaders
29) Fallout
28) WCW vs. NWO: World Tour
27) Tekken 3
26) Klax
25) Maniac Mansion
24) Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past (a/k/a Zelda 3)
23) FIFA 2006
22) X-Men
21) Sonic The Hedgehog 2
20) Tetris
19) NCAA Football 2006
18) Ratchet And Clank
17) Spy Hunter
16) Diablo
15) Metal Slug
14) Ghosts 'n' Goblins
13) Kung Fu Master
12) God Of War
11) Mortal Kombat II
10) Sonic The Hedgehog
9) Super Mario Bros.
8) Pac-Man
7) Contra
6) Madden 2006
5) WCW/NWO Revenge
4) Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
3) Street Fighter II
2) Pitfall
1) Galaga
Next stop: The SGM Power 15: Comic Book Madness ... coming soon(?)!
SGM Super 30: Video Game #1
Galaga
Arguably the greatest shooter ever. Not a bad game for a sequel to the much-inferior "Galaxian," which is basically a "Space Invaders" clone anyway.
The premise: Aliens invade in a convenient gridlike pattern, occasionally firing missles and swooping in to destroy your fighter. The flagship - the Galaga - has the unique ability to capture your fighter in a tractor beam. This costs you a life, and turns your fighter against your next turn ... but if you free your fighter (possible only by shooting the Galaga that guards it, while in flight), you then have double the firepower as your previously captured fighter joins you side by side.
Galaga takes solid shooter fundamentals and improves on each one. One cool aspect of the game, which opens the door for bragging rights a little wider than just high score, is the hit-miss ratio. Highest I've ever managed to get was in the 82% range.
And trust me, ain't nothing sexier than a girl that can kick ass at Galaga. It's a litmus test of hotness.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #2
Pitfall
Pitfall Walkthrough! An SGM Exclusive!
Go left.
(Ah ... an oldie, but a goodie.)
All platform games should bow down and kiss Pitfall Harry's ass. Sad thing is, with maybe one exception - Pitfall II: The Lost Caverns - every attempt to expand or update on such a simple game has proven grossly inefficient.
A joystick and one button is all you need to play this surprisingly complex and engrossing game. You don't shoot, leap barrels, or punch bad guys ... all you do is jump. Jump over snakes. Jump over scorpions. Jump over fire. Jump onto alligators (or crocodiles, pick your poison). Jump to snatch vines and swing over tarpits. Jump rolling logs. Jump over holes in the ground. You name it, you jump it.
According to some internet research (which consisted of more than just going to Wikipedia), there are originally thirty-two treasures to capture in "Pitfall."
The original "Pitfall" shows up as a mini-game in "Marvel Ultimate Alliance" (in Arcade's Murderworld).
One of my favorite "Pitfall"-inspired running & jumping man games was "Jumpman," a Commodore 64 game that was just a very complex "Pitfall" run-jump-collect game, but with stages and a definite ending. Check that out.
But yeah, Pitfall rules.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #3
Street Fighter II
This game was easily the template for every 2D fighter made afterward, and the measuring stick - in my opinion - by which every fighter from now on should be measured.
The layout of having eight fighters to choose from - Ryu, Ken, Blanka, Guile, E. Honda (Piston's cousin), Chun Li, Zangief, and Dhalsim - was easy enough. The game had three additional fighters, in the form of the four bosses - Balrog, Vega, Sagat and M. Bison. M. Bison was originally supposed to be the name of the boxer boss, and Balrog was the "boss of bosses." At this writing, I don't know why the switch was made (but I'm sure that Wikipedia has some info on this ... or at least someone might have made something up).
If you were to ask me, as well as some of my high school cronies, this game is (lossely) based on the Jean-Claude Van Damme film, "Bloodsport." There's a sumo fighter, a weird African fighter that moves like Dhalsim, a burly musclehead (Zangief), and a few more. Sadly, no Blanka counterpart, but that would have made the film, y'know, a little weird.
My favorite character of use: E. Honda. The flying headbutt & "hundred hand slap" felled many opponent back in the days of pushing groceries at the Newport Food City. One simple combo I'd use to detract a whole lotta energy from an opponent was to use a jumping medium kick (a belly splash), then either the "hundred hand slap" or try a sumo throw (medium punch, but in throwing range ... almost always happened by chance). If I had an opponent dazed, I'd add some insult to injury with a jumping strong punch (an open hand slap). If the opponent was low enough in their energy, a jumping weak kick (a butt splash) would seal the deal. Remembering all of this, I think what appealed to me about Street Fighter II was how the game allowed a player to develop finesse and flashes of style with their fighter of choice.
One of my favorite arcade memories was going to East Towne Mall in Knoxville and running the Street Fighter II machine at Aladdin's Castle for easily an hour. Playing the game, I attracted a crowd - perhaps because no one had really made it all the way through much of the game on one quarter. Finally, one or two players got the moxie up to pop in a quarter and challenge me. I beat the first player, then the second player ... pretty soon there was a line of players, just wanting to challenge me. And when I say a line, I mean, between rounds, I turned around to stretch and the line was out the front double-doors to the main part of the mall. After everyone was tired of getting bitch-slapped and sat on, "hundred hand slapped" and flying headbutted, I was left to play the game through, and after almost getting stomped in the third round by M. Bison, beat the game. I had beat the game several times up to that point, but it was something about that win that will stick out in my mind for a long time.
This is one of my favorite games; when it came out on the Capcom Classics Collection for PS2, I grabbed that game on the first day of release and beat it again, just for old time's sake. Yep, me and Street Fighter II, we share some deep rooted brotherly love.
Friday, July 06, 2007
On Celebrity Culture (Again)
Irony can be truly delicious.
Barring a cosmic radiation storm that makes the average intelligence on earth increase 10-fold, publicity will always be America's most omnipresent industry. Every day, a press release or two are written and make it to CNN, therefore becoming mainstream stories that clog up the internet. Perhaps once a week, there may be something worth reading.
Today's installment of this deals with Britney Spears, who issued what CNN.com called a bizarre apology. When one clicks on the link, one finds a story where America's Sweetheart attacked a photographer's car with the umbrella. Her excuse, though, is where one finds the inadvertant comedy.
"I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said. "I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally."
After witnessing the picture of Britney on the website, one could argue that she has prepared her character for too many rolls over the past few months, particularly the kind that are dipped in garlic butter. But it goes on...
"I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part."
She did, however, evidently get her part and then some at Sbarro, IHOP, and the House of Hunan.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Another example of people not thinking things through
Saw a commercial for this during "King of the Hill" ...
"Nads will help to keep your skin smooth."
There are two sections - "Nads for Women" and "Nads for Men."
This was a company founded in 1992, and I know I've heard and said "nads" since at least 6th grade sex ed. What was these bitches thinking?
SGM Super 30: Video Game #4
Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
One, Mathematics is the language of nature. Two, Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. Three: If you graph the numbers of any system, patterns emerge. Therefore, there are patterns everywhere in nature. - "Pi" (1998)
I loved this game! This game and Ring King rank right up there with some of the best boxing games ever created. The key to victory is recognizing the patterns inherent in each fighter's unique style: Piston Honda wiggles his eyebrows before a jab; Great Tiger's turban jewel shines before he punches; Soda Popinski shuffles his feet before throwing his straight right, and so on.
Funny, that the game's protagonist - Little Mac - had such a limited array of punches available to him, and yet he was able to fight his way into this sport, where his opponents were consistently at leat 1.5 times his size. At best, Mac could throw uppercuts (but only a maximum of 3 at any time, earned by his skillful punching). How was that supposed to work exactly? Doc Louis must have been a hell of a trainer, 'cause if it were real life, Mac would have had to have some serious mob ties to make it to the championship.
Mike Tyson was removed from the game's licensing campaign shortly after the game hit the market. Contrary to popular belief, this was not due to his rape conviction; it was in fact due to a contract dispute, as well as his humiliating loss to Buster Douglas. Afterward, Mike Tyson became "Mr. Dream," who was basically Tyson with a different CG skin.
My favorite fighter? It's a toss-up. I always like Piston Honda; I fancied him a relative of Street Fighter II's E. Honda. But my favorite boxer to fight was Great Tiger, because I found a strategy to rack up on uppercuts that I don't think many people were hip to: When the jewel on his turban would light up, throw a punch to his head, and you'd get the star.
In light of the popularity of this game, why didn't they have a game like "Rocky" on PS2, where you could pick any boxer to play - Glass Joe, Von Kaiser, Piston Honda, Don Flamenco, Great Tiger, King Hippo, Bald Bull, Soda Popinski, The Sandman, Tyson/Dream, or Super Macho Man, or even Little Mac and his trainer Doc Louis, and Referee Mario thrown in for good measure? Hell, I'd have even tried to take Glass Joe through a career mode, if that game were to happen. But I guess we're supposed to be content with "Ready to Rumble" and crap like that.
Oh, Little Mac, where are you when we need you most?
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #5
WCW/NWO Revenge
Ah, yeah, this one is the shit. Of all the AKI wrestling games, I still have the warmest spot in my heart for Revenge. I guess it's the pioneering aspect of the game, as it was the game that pulled everything that was good about a grappling engine and made it a comprehensive experience. Plus, having some of the best wrestling names and characters associated with it didn't hurt none either.
I have a belief that a wrestling game is as strong as what they allow you to do with the characters. Ex. Why can't you use the Great Khali in career mode in "Smackdown vs. Raw 2007?" Anyway, a quick review of the champions that I used, last time I played the game? Curt Hennig as the World champion, Psicosis as the US champion, Scott Norton as the TV champion, Ultimo Dragon as the Cruiserweight champion (and he's held that title ever since I firt bought the game), and Raven & Randy Savage as the tag champs. Ah, the good old days.
Bottom line on this game, over the other AKI wrestling game: When I first bought this, I played this from about 6:00 PM to noon the next day. I never played the WWF games for that duration.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Games edition update
It's down to the final five. Starting on the 4th, I'm putting the final games up, one a day ... at least that's the plan for right now. 'Cause I've had so much going on with work, and it's about time to put this one to bed. From now on, we'll have the SGM Power 15 to look forward to.
See, now that's how you do a countdown ...
SGM Super 30: Video Game #6
Madden 2006
I have never played a Madden game. But, I still got some opinions, here.
Rev. Joshua:
played a lot on the Madden franchise on Sega Genesis, back when Sega was the undisputed home of sports video games. With the more recent systems I've been more of a fan of college football, although that mirrors my personal interests more than any changes about the games. The main criticism about sports games tends to be the roster update aspect, but EA usually adds a few enhancements to the gameplay from year to year that makes that criticism somewhat lacking.
Ron:
The John Madden franchise of American football video games is, simply put, the most successful sports video game franchise in history. Back in the Super Nintendo/Sega Genesis daysSomeone at Electronic Arts had the foresight to sign Madden, and use NFL teams, logos, and player names. The realism gave the titles a bit more than the standard football games like Tecmo Bowl (or any sports game for that matter). As technology changed, game developers worked to add more realism and continually update the gameplay. This has kept gamers loyal to Madden for nearly two decades.
The premise is simple. You are the coach of an NFL team. You call plays, you control players, and you manage your franchise to the Super Bowl. The game also includes a number of unlockable features, such as historical teams and "stat boosts" to give your team the edge in head-to-head competition. This increases the replay factor and keeps gamers happy until next year's edition comes out. The addition of online features keeps the rosters updated, which is a very nice feature.
Madden, it should be noted, is also the John D. Rockefeller of sports titles. A few years ago, a series of games was released under the ESPN logo. Their NFL game, surprisingly, had a much better style of gameplay than Madden. The passing engine allowed for more freedom of audibles and more control over the ball speed and targets. Rather than face the competition, Madden struck a deal with the NFL Players Association to be the exclusive home of roster updates. Remember that realism in the first paragraph? Yeah, its still important.
Madden has become a cultural phenomenon. Last year, MTV ran a pretty crappy TV show (which goes without saying) where people rode around in a bus playing Madden. You also have the whole Madden curse deal where, supposedly, the player who appears on the box cover has a terrible season. This is proven with the example of Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. The superstar quarterback of the Falcons looked to be on top of the world until he made it to the Madden cover for the 2004 edition. Shortly thereafter, Vick began treatment for herpes at a clinic under the name "Ron Mexico." Mexico went from being a dominant quarterback to an also-ran. Reports are unclear, but it is possible that the Madden curse could have driven Mexico to pursuing the illegal hobby of dogfighting.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #7
Contra
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start ... 4 Life, bitches.
And, from what I remembered from the NES days, brother would fight brother for the Spread gun.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #8
Pac-Man
Name another game that inspired a rock single that reached gold status. Or a New York Times best-selling book that merely explored the secrets of defeating the game.
A popular myth has it that the designers of the game came up with the idea while eating a meal at a pizzeria; they saw, in a cheese pizza with some slices removed, the character that would inspire one of the most successful videogames ever.
Me, I'm more of a fan of Ms. Pac-Man, more for the moving fruit, changing mazes, and cutscenes between stages. Which I'm sure, in video game speak, probably makes me a fag.
[Lucha Libre] I submit ...
... that the best thing that ever came out of Marilyn Manson's sphere of influence was Charly Manson.
You know what would make my day?
Jake Palumbo reviews Monday Night Raw, exclusively for SGM.
Would that be possible?
7/11 brings the Simpsons love
Found this through the wonders of online advertising.
7-11 is now offering Simpson-inspired products in their stores, for a limited time.
These include:
1. Homer's official sprinkalicious donut (that pink-icing monstrosity that he appears to eat almost non-stop at his workplace);
2. A blue-vanilla "Squishee" (which is the Simpsons version of the 7-11 Slurpee);
3. Buzz Cola
4. Krusty O's
Obviously, they overlooked (accidentally or on purpose) their potential biggest cash cow, and that's Duff Beer.
7-11 is meeting the Simpsons brand halfway and hiring their own "Apu" themed staff. Well, those stores that haven't already hired their own "Apu."
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Help with something
I'm searching for answers to a question.
I have a new neighbor. The new neighbor is a blonde 19-21 year old. Her car has a tag on the front that says "Hot Karl." Does this mean what I think it means?
UK bombings
After reading the CNN write-up of the diffused car bombs in London and the SUV that crashed into the Glasgow airport....
I find it a bit disconcerting that the UK's anti-terrorism leadership group (the group chaired by the PM that brings together all of the agency heads) is called COBRA. I thought COBRA was the terrorist organization?
Friday, June 29, 2007
This reads like a storyline to be honest (More Benoit)
Remember the "Brent Burke is Dead Month" that we had planned for TOS? This guy has to feel like the biggest jerk ever.
http://www.cbs46.com/news/13594206/detail.html
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Last Comic Standing
I was watching the show the other night and there was a comic by the name of Thea Vidale on there. I knew this lady looked familiar and finally figured it out. She was the lady that played Shelton Benjamin's mama during that angle. I thought that was rather interesting.
[She was also on a Rodney Dangerfield Comedy special that aired the late 80s. She was the big black lady that actually shoved all the other comics through the door at the beginning of the show.
If you watch LCS, check her out and see how far she goes.
Show must go on
Your thoughts on the future of the ECW championship
I know at the present time it is in the hands of Nitro. I feel like CM Punk will get the belt at some point, but there are so few wrestlers on the roster that it will probably be like the women's championship where everyone will hold the belt at some point in time. Do you think they will get more people on the brand or will it become no more.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
McMahon to be on Today show Thursday morning on NBC
[Of course there is no specific time for this since the who runs from 7-9am, but I am sure WWE. com will put a report on what he said or maybe even a video. But if you are up during this time maybe you can have it on while getting ready for work and catch him.
My final word(s) on the Benoit tragedy
Skip this if you've reached LD=50 on this issue.
As I've said elsewhere, I'm having a hard time with this issue, and I've done some exploration, internally and externally, and I think I've narrowed it down to some bigger global issues.
1) I'm appalled at what translates as "journalism" nowadays. It's clear to me that, to be a reporter, all you have to do is specialize in op-ed writing and attack dog rhetoric. I haven't been this interested in "news chasing" since September 12, 2001. And in this quest - now, as it was then - I have stumbled across some of the most asinine connections, assumptions, and blatantly inflammatory half-truths.
According to various "newz" affiliates:
Whatever happened to journalism being based on reporting the facts, exposing the truth? Mostly, all I've read is leading speculation; I have yet to see a totally impartial report of just the facts. I'm disappointed with the inability of the once-reputable institution of journalism, if this is the best that they can do; the Benoit tragedy isn't an earth-changing event, but if even this event can't get a professional level of objectivity, then bigger issues are pretty damn destined to receive at least the same shoddy treatment, if not far less.
2) It also amazes me, how quickly a person's achievements are forever marred by negative behaviors or activities. Benoit was a great wrestler, and nothing will change that, whether he was a murderer or kind to dumb animals. But ... well, here's a "review" of the "Hard Knocks: The Chris Benoit Story" DVD:
(one star) Please take this down, June 26, 2007
By Kevin Donahoe Nealon
You are promoting a dvd for a double murderer...it is embarrassing
that you would actually keep this dvd on here...please take it down. That man deserves nothing but hell. Amazon is only hurting themselves by keeping this up.
Before the Benoit thing happened, the last review of the DVD was on May 31, 2007. There have since been 21 reviews, most of which are "one star" (out of 5) and condemn Benoit to hell for his actions. The problem I have is, these aren't reviews of product, these are reviews of the man and his actions (which are not, last time I was aware, for sale on Amazon). The logic of the douchebag above is equally great, because by his rationale, Amazon should also discontinue selling, say, a biography of Ted Bundy, because it is "promoting" a book for (sic) a serial killer.
I often make this criticism to my clients, when I'm attempting to illustrate how our society yields to unfairness: I could be the greatest therapist ever. Then, one day, say I drive to Wal-Mart, drive straight through the front doors at the maximum speed that my car will reach & not stop until I reach the part where they keep the milk. Then, when all the repercussions of my behavior have been dealt with, I could go back to being that same great therapist that I always was.
Before driving through Wal-Mart, no one (except the clients & colleagues) would ever know what kind of therapist I am. However, after the Wal-Mart incident, I'd be known as "that therapist who drove through Wal-Mart ... he must have been 'crazy' ... he has no business working with the mentally ill ... he's probably just as crazy as the people he works with," and I STILL wouldn't be known as the therapist that I would have proven myself to be. And more people would know about my mistake, than would people know that I'm good at what I do.
I believe that some people fail at being rational human beings; our priorities are continually being dictated in the fucking wrong direction. And I don't pretend to assume that I know what direction "our" priorities should be, but I know the direction we're going doesn't make sense. Sometimes, when we as a people are getting bombarded with tragedy and terror and destruction on a global scale, I wonder if we don't in some way deserve it.
Or maybe I'm just tired and bitching. Thanks for reading, anyway, if you made it this far.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Rate the summer movies that you want to see the most.
I am just curious what you all want to see and where they stand compared to the other movies. If you havew already seen one this summer and want to rate it then feel free to do so.
Mine are as follows:
1. Transformers
2. Live Free or Die Hard
3. Fantastic Four 2
4. Spider man 3 (I know you think it should be higher, but we have seen the formula with the director and actors.)
5. Pirates 3
6. Shrek the Third
7. Evan Almighty
8. 1408
9. I Know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry
10. Knocked Up
Other news!!!
[Paris Hilton is out of jail. Who cares?? The fact that this was on the same news channel over and over again and Benoit I think was on there a few times. But I mean it is Paris Hilton. so who am I to say anything.
Update on Benoit
From MSNBC-- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19424899/?GT1=10056
What are your thoughts on what you have read. Nate, what can you attest psychologically with your professional background???
The IKEA Experience
We take a break from sad wrestling news for a post that has been three days in the making.
Over the last week, I have been in the City of Brotherly Love. Aside from the usual touristy things (Independence Hall was great, even though the tour guide for Congress Hall was ignorant and rude), I took a trip to IKEA. To put this in perspective, this is a Swedish furniture store that is limited to major metro markets because of its size. The one I visited was larger than the Fort Henry Mall and even had its own parking garage.
IKEA has found an odd niche through which it exploits American insecurities. Sure, the USA has a great sense of patriotism and civic pride, but it also has never been able to shake the idea that the old world is somehow superior. IKEA has latched on to this in their marketing and their store design to reap the benefits at the cash register. Shop at IKEA to get the finest in European-designed crap. It makes you culturally aware if you purchase your love seat from IKEA, rather than from Rhoton and Smith or Sticks N Stuff.
(An aside. In Philadelphia, there are apparently a lot of rich people. I have seen at least 6 guys above the age of fifty walking around with a polo shirt and a popped collar. 3 of these men were in IKEA. I wanted to go up and tell them that they were not 18, but I figured they were rich and could sue me for suffering for pointing out the truth.)
IKEA designs their own furniture, so this isn't a regular retail store with brands like Sauder, Broyhill and Sealy. No, all you can buy here is IKEA brand. To get you to think that you are buying something that is unique, they "brand" each item with a Swedish name (in most cases) and stick it out there on display. Some of these items are probably things like the Swedish word for bookcase or sofa. An example is Ektorp, which evidently is Swedish for "cheaply-made chair and slip-cover." Others are things like "Koncis" or "Heat." Yes, IKEA names their hot plates Heat. Someone in marketing must have got a bundle for that one.
I will admit, that some of the items appear to be quality and that the prices can be affordable. But if you look around, you can find items that are foolishly-constructed and packaged with a Euro-name in order to get Americans to buy them and look hip and trendy. In the "IKEA Work" area (i.e. Office Furniture) they had a plastic rolling stool that was essentially a lawn mower seat on wheels. I sat in it. It wasn't very comfortable. I looked at the tag. It was the Traktor chair. If they had painted it green and slapped a John Deere logo on it it would have been more appropriate.
IKEA also gets you with the layout of their store. It is akin to a lab rat maze. You go in, go up the escalator, and you have to pretty much walk through the entire showroom to get to the downstairs escalator. There are maybe 2 or 3 "shortcuts" to fast forward at places, but there is no quick and easy exit. It is a very linear set-up that is frustrating. At least they have numerous chairs there.
IKEA has everything a person could want in their homes (note: sarcasm does not translate well over the internet), including a Swedish market where you can buy Swedish meatballs (I'm not joking). This makes one wonder whether, if a French competitor arose, would they offer French fries?
According to WWE.com
[It states that investigators believe Benoit killed his wife and son over weekend and then self on Monday. He did not make a house show on Saturday and Pay Per View on Sunday. They also say he sent some strange text messages, but did not elaborate on anything else. It is just a sad sad event.
Monday, June 25, 2007
I wonder if the storyline will continue?
Will McMahon's character still be dead even in the aftermath of this tragedy? What would you do? I mean he showed himself on TV and admitted that it was a storyline. So, what would you do?
Chris Benoit found dead by Atlanta police
Holy shit.
News available at this writing is that Benoit, his wife (Woman from WCW), and their son Daniel were found dead in their Atlanta home. No further details at this writing. Online speculation is on a murder/suicide.
References to Vince McMahon's death have been removed from the WWF website.
Tonight's Raw will be focusing on the life and career of Chris Benoit, instead of a "Mr. McMahon Memorial." Dunno if it'll still be 3 hrs. Guess I'll be watching Raw tonight after all.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
SGM Summer Reading List, 2007
As always, book reports are due by Aug 30th!
Controversy Creates Cash
Au: Eric Bischoff
Sasquatch: Legend Meets Science
Au: Jeff Meldrum
Ninjutsu: The Art of Invisibility
Au: Donn F. Draeger
Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th
Au: Peter M. Bracke
Meditations
Au: Marcus Aurelius
Lost Echoes
Au: Joe Lansdale
The Store
Au: Bentley Little
Sleazoid Express: A Mind-Twisting Tour Through the Grindhouse Cinema of Times Square
Au: Bill Landis & Michelle Clifford
My Tank is Fight! Deranged Inventions of WWII
Au: Zack Parsons
Found this, re: tomorrow's 3 hr RAW show
Courtesy of whoever 411Wrestling stole this news from:
"Steve Austin, Eric Bischoff, Jimmy Hart, and Charles 'Godfather' Wright are all scheduled to appear on RAW tomorrow. The plan is to do a heavy comedy show in hopes of turning the fans around on the Mr. McMahon death angle."
Yup. 'Cause when I think heavy comedy, I think those four.
Nah, really, "heavy comedy" was Stephanie McMahon feigning a mourning daughter; I bet, when Vince really dies, they'll be able to look back on lines like "I had to spend my first Father's Day without my dad," and laaauuugh.
Even funnier was when they were replaying this on Smackdown Friday, and HEAVILY edited out the boos from the audience during Stephanie's promo.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
I did it T-Shirt
[Ok, if there is anybody out there that thinks Vince McMahon is really dead, they need to make an appointment to see Nate at his work. You go to the WWE website and they are selling "I did it" T-shirts. I mean did they sell those when Eddie died?? Of course Luger bought one when Elizabeth died but that is another story.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Question about buying CDS
I recently have been buying CDs from Amazon and I have noticed several of them say they may have a drill hole or a small notch in the spine. Why is this??
Also, I asked Nate about old school hip hop rap. What do you all suggest? Please be CD specific.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
"Manhunt 2" release cancelled, and now I feel so safe!
"So Manhunt 2 has been banned from the UK and now it looks certain that the game won't ever see light of day in the US either. Even though the game was rated by the ESRB (unsurprisingly it got 'Adults Only'), both Sony and Nintendo refuse to touch AO-rated titles." [more and more]
Just a bit of history: Manhunt 1 was accused of being responsible in the death of an 11 yr old in England ... and was actually being made out to be more responsible than the 17 yr old who actually did the murder. Here's the punchline: The 17 yr old didn't own a copy of the game, the 11 yr old did. Cue Ed Boon in MK II: "Whoopsie!"
Manhunt 2, with its emphasis on stealth and snuff-like kills, already had an uphill climb to make. In a time when the game "Bully" was being called a "Columbine simulator" (which is bullshit, if you've played the game), this game seemed destined to be the bane of gaming's existence. The first game was hardcore and was rated an M. It featured a grand amount of swearing and violence, and the storyline (a death row inmate being filmed for the latest installment of a snuff film franchise) was gritty.
The walnut shell under the supermarket buggy of this game was, in my opinion, the Wii. You can't have a murder-based game on a platform that relies on the level of interactivity that the Wii has. I'm by no means a supporter of the Jack Thompsons of the world, but I'll concede that point.
So Manhunt 2 was going to be rated AO, and then it's cancelled. I'm a 32 year old male who is being told, by my government, that I cannot have a game that I'm (in my most humble of opinions) morally responsible enough to play and be entertained by. I have no intent to let a child play a game of this type, and I don't have an immature or underdeveloped personality or connection to reality that would result in my committing crime based on what a videogame tells me to do. Never mind that films like "Hostel" and "Saw" are made available on the shelves of Wal-Mart in "unrated" versions. Never mind I can see bared taint on "Nip/Tuck" and graphic facial burning on a stove eye on "The Shield." Never mind that the fucking local fucking evening news shows me more violence and twisted acts against our fellow man than I've seen in my whole 1000+ DVD collection, as well as my near-120 video game collection. Never mind that we live in a world where, in entertainment, gun violence and profanity are not as vilified as sex between consenting adults (i.e. pornography).
You know that this is all about deficient parenting. I'm being told what I can and cannot be exposed to because people can't parent for shit anymore.
Whoa, this is scattered. So many points of impact, so many words in the dictionary ... and yet the one I keep coming back to is "fuck."
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
More Tales of Terrible Journalism...
Now with Wrestling!
You'd think what would qualify as the dumbest article ever written about professional wrestling would be found within the Intertron Wrestling Community or at the very least from a xeroxed fanzine printed in a Kentucky basement. But you'd be wrong.
The dumbest article ever written about professional wrestling was written by Darren Rovell and was published by CNBC.com. You know, CNBC.com, it's the online arm of NBC's cable business-news channel CNBC. You know, CNBC, the last place you'd imagine an article about professional wrestling, let alone the dumbest article ever written about professional wrestling.
And of course, the inspiration for the dumbest article ever written about professional wrestling is the dumbest storyline ever written for professional wrestling: the Death of Vince McMahon.
It's actually the second article Rovell has written for CNBC.com concerning the storyline death of Vince McMahon, which is just as shocking as anything else going in this article. The first article examined the impact that the angle was having on the WWE's visibility, which is a no-brainer. Of course it is. Google searches for WWE and McMahon were up, WWE.com page views were up. WWE stock values declined, but that's probably more to do with John Cena yet again retaining his title than McMahon's fake death. Also touched on was the interest that the mainstream media had about the angle. Answer: none. Shocking.
But Rovell didn't let the story die there. After receiving a response from the WWE's PR department that didn't break kayfabe, Rovell took this tack:As you can see, WWE is clearly differentiating between Vince McMahon, the chairman and the character. I’m not a hard core wrestling fan, but do all the shareholders and fans really know the difference between the two? I would bet not.
The rest of the article is a Q&A with two people familiar with laws that regulate stock trading and public companies about the possibility that this angle could fraudulently misleading shareholders and the possible consequences thereof.
Look, I'm not gonna shit anybody here: some wrestling fans are goddamn dumb. But even Joe Sixpack knows that if Vince McMahon, noted personality and owner of a billion-dollar industry-leading organization, were blown up in his limo on live television for real it would be front-page 24-hour-a-day-on-CNN news. So when the lead story anywhere other than WWE.com and 411mania wasn't McMahon's fiery death, he got the point. And because Joe Sixpack knows, deep in his heart-of-hearts, that wrestling isn't real, he probably assumed that it was all part of the show anyway.
To be sure, Rovell is being condescending so that William Q CNBCReader III doesn't think Rovell is one of those dirty slobs that watches professional wrestling, but he could at least be polite and give someone enough credit to assume they can tie their own shoes.
On top of that, the statement underscores the need for articles about professional wrestling to be written by people who have a working familiarity with professional wrestling. While it's always a good idea for any writer to be familiar with the subject of their work, it's especially true for an odd niche culture like professional wrestling. Something that an outsider can't understand is that this angle is so ridiculously stupid that it requires a suspension of disbelief that no one can manage. Even the markest-of-the-marks with an IQ of 6 who cries out "it's still real to me, dammit" calls bullshit when they see Vince McMahon "killed" in an exploding limousine.
Beyond all that, what chance is there that a WWE stockholder isn't familiar enough with the WWE to know what they're getting into when they buy WWE stock? Is there a realistic chance that some daytrader in Des Moines with a few hundred shares of WWE stock in his portfolio ran across a blurb in the Des Moines Birdcageliner about McMahon's death? And what's the worst that happens then? His monocle pops out and his top hat flies off?
I can't imagine how slow news has been at CNBC lately for that gibberish to be published.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #9
Super Mario Bros
Do-do-doo, do-do-doo, doo ... *boing, boing*
"Sorry Mario, but our princess is in another castle!"
Maybe there's something to that theory that video games are bad for you; I mean, this game taught us that dropping 'shrooms was good for us. And I can hear you now ... "Who said they weren't?" But regardless, this is the game that pretty much revolutionized the platform action game.
This is also the game that puts the nail in Luigi's chances of ever being a major player of Nintendo's Mafia. He played second banana in "Mario Bros," but when he was again only accessible by Player 2 in "Super Mario," that was it. After that, it didn't matter that he was selectable in "Super Mario 2," he would forevermore be the Luca Brasi. Unless he was fucking the Princess, then he'd be the Fredo.
Quote To Live By, 16 June 2007
We hot shit, yo, don't say you is when you isn't/
Like jerking off with your left hand, that shit just feels different. - J.J. Brown
SGM Super 30: Video Game #10
Sonic The Hedgehog
Yep, this thing's still going strong.
I cannot stress this enough ... as much as I love it, don't let "Sonic 2" be your first entry into the Sonic series. To this day, I can't make it through Sonic The First because I'm stuck trying to pull off a spin dash attack (pressing down and revving up by pressing the jump button like a crackhead), a move that wasn't introduced until Sonic 2. You'd be surprised at how much of nothing a spin dash attack does in Sonic 1.
But, this game had to come first and succeed, in order for my favorite entry to be developed. Therefore, it holds a place of honor.
And hey, at least this game doesn't have Miles "Tails" Prower.
Sensational or Scary--take your pick
Sensational or Scary Sherri died and was 49 years old, I believe. I cannot help but wonder who this happened. I remember seeing her at the Hall of Fame induction in 2006 and she was acting really off the wall, but that does not mean anything.
Anyway, another wrestling loss at a young age.
[Type rest of the post here]
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Speaking of Shoddy Journalism
I like to stay in contact with the area I grew up in.
Although I haven't lived in east Tennessee in going on six years now, my parents are there and I still have friends in the region. I try to check in with my folks daily (since I'm an only child and all) and my friends periodically.
I do, religiously, check in with my hometown newspaper the Kingsport Times-News. The Times-News was never a first class paper by any means. After all, their former sports editor used to put the golf scores at Ridgefields above the fold and things like the World Series below it. But my biggest problem is that their website is absolutely horrible in that they are trying to make the site a community forum. What does a community forum do you ask?
Click on any news story and it will become apparent, as this misguided endeavor is on every page. A community forum allows country folk with digital cameras to upload asinie pictures of their family that no one wants to see. Once they are online, they go into a random picture generator that runs at the top right (your left) corner of every news story. This means that, when you want to read a story about the shootout at Club Limelight or the three car accident on I-81 that killed two, you will doubtlessly see a picture of some toothy three-year old child smiling into their grandpa's camera and looking like a reject from the Gomer Pyle show. My personal favorite of these are when you click on stories about child molestation and see a pic of some old man holding a little girl on his lap. This has happened on more than one occassion.
The Times News website has no filter at all as far as I can tell. You get such wonderful captions as "Here is Ashley just being herself" or "Peyton loves his papaw." This is simply brutal and takes away from the value of the website infinitely.
Why do I need to see the picture of a preschooler from Chuckey when I am trying to get my news? I don't think I really want to see a picture of a hummingbird at some guy's bird feeder in Church Hill at any time. If I was a Chemical Engineering graduate entertaining a job offer from Eastman and I saw that site, I would turn down the offer in three seconds.
The Times-News. Weakening economic development one job candidate at a time.
Terrible Journalism
I ran across this article on the Something Awful forum:
Game 'with no end' spurs parent concern. It's a quick 'n' dirty news/fluff/hit/piece about the concern that children will spend all of their time playing video games like World of Warcraft because MMORPGs have no scripted endings.
After reading the article and some of the thread, where people quickly came to the same conclusions that any sane person would, I sent an email to the author of the piece:"An online game similar to Dungeons and Dragons has some parents wondering when their child will hit the off button and step back into reality."
Probably right about the time that the parents step in and turn the game off, like parents are supposed to do. Why wasn't the emphasis of this piece about the fact that there's a woman who lets her kid play video games 17 hours a day? Instead of fearmongering about video games, an easy target over the last 20 years, why not expose this woman's lack of parental control over her own child? The game has to be purchased for a minimum of $19.99 with upgrades costing $39.99, a monthly subscription fee of $9.99 has to be paid in order to play the game, and the kid is most likely using a broadband internet connection that costs at least $29.99 per month. Oh, and the computer on which it is played, that's a minimum of $499.99 for the most basic of computers. Unless the kid has a job, which is unlikely given his age and lack of time to work given the time he spends playing the game, who is paying for all of this? The videogame fairy or the kid's mother?
I'm pretty sure shitty parenting is going to destroy our society, unless the Bush Administration gets there first.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Last night's RAW
Okay, we gotta talk.
2.5 hours of decent wrestling television, only to end it with the worst battle royal ever - where even the commentators were unanimously coaching the wrestlers to team up against the other brands - and then ... then ... boom. Vince McMahon gets in a limo, which explodes when the door shuts.
Double-you tee eff? Where in the hell could they possibly be going with that?
(If you haven't seen it, read a recap, STAT, 'cause for real, you might either think it was great TV [although not great WRESTLING TV], or it sucked a big bag of donkey goobers ... I don't know how anyone could be on the fence with this one.)
Friday, June 08, 2007
Will, I know this is the news you've been waiting for!
From Amazon.com:
The story of young Ricky Stratton and his millionaire father, Edward, who lives very much like a young boy himself, in a house filled floor to ceiling with toys. Still, Edward takes raising Ricky seriously, and tries to avoid spoiling him while still letting him enjoy his childhood.
Book it now
The Grammy for Best New Artist and possibly Best Pop Vocals....
Amy Winehouse. Hands down, bar none, period.
Listen to "Rehab," the first track off of her album.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
WKRP in Cincinnati: the Complete First Season SGM Review
When I was between the ages of 6 and 11, the kitchen in our house was too small for my entire family to sit at the dinner table, so we ate in the living room and of course watched TV. WKRP is one of the shows that I associate with that time period. It probably aired on TBS, but I think everything was on TBS back then, much like how in my childhood I thought Foreigner recorded every rock song you'd hear on classic rock radio. Foreigner and Journey, actually.
The three most memorable aspects of the show were, in order: the opening theme song, Loni Anderson, and Howard Hesseman as Dr. Johnny Fever. Speaking of the opening theme, WKRP had a different the closing theme, more of a typical 70s rock song, which, according to Wikipedia, did not have actual lyrics. They were jibberish that the composer recorded as a guide for the vocal melody (Kurt Cobain does the same on most Nirvana demo songs, evidenced by the Box Set) and were left intact because it actually sounds cool. One word that you can pick out is "bartender." Yadda yadda bartender, hooda hooda whatsat, a'ight. Fuck if I know.
Going in to watching this DVD, I expected to be greatly disappointed by something that I once liked inevitably not aging well. The Dukes of Hazzard did age well; the song "Turtle Power" from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie did not. Surprisingly, WKRP did age well. Like any good sitcom, it relied on tight writing and an ensemble cast. Everyone played their character right; the bumbling GM, the sleazy sales manager, the burnout DJ, the clueless newsman, the shy but pretty female producer, the relatively sane programming director-as-ringmaster and the hot whore with the heart of gold. In retrospect, Gordon Jump was the best performer in the series as the spineless general manager Arthur Carlson, getting the most laughs with his reactions and ability to play within the scenes, but Loni Anderson had the looks and Howard Hesseman had the hipster, so there's your memories. The typical format of the show is about the constant struggle of the station to stay afloat after the format change from oldie standards to rock 'n' roll, although the station wasn't successful before the format change.
It's also cringe-inducing to watch the pilot episode of just about any series as you get a convoluted plot that just happens to allow each character to introduce themselves in brief. If I ever write a TV show the pilot will just have every character take turns talking about themselves (actually, I just remembered there was some crappy show that did something similar, got canceled and tried a revival on YouTube, so nevermind). WKRP sets the series up more conveniently and convincingly by having the new programming director, Andy Travis, arrive and find out about each character as he familiarizes himself with his new co-workers. After eight episodes the series went on hiatus while the network decided whether or not to greenlight more episodes. The network chose to go ahead with the series, so we get the contrived clip show where the station owner demands to know how the new format change is going so that Carlson and Travis can tell funny stories about funny things that happened in the lead up. Most memorably, Carlson decides to drop live turkeys from a helicopter as a Thanksgiving stunt because he thought turkeys could fly. If you're wondering, turkeys cannot fly. They can, however, drop from the sky.
One thing I was interested in was how Fox handled the music in the show. The original show used licensed hit music of the time appropriate for a contemporary rock station, but the licensing at the time didn't include future use in home video (or DVD) releases. (Wonder Years hasn't been released on DVD for that reason. Considering Wonder Years was chock full of classic rock baby-boomer anthems the licensing of that show would cost so much they'd have to sell a copy of each season to every man, woman and child in the United States just to break even.) Fox didn't relicense the original songs and chose to dub in rock-sounding stock music over the original tracks. Fortunately this was done seamlessly without damage to any dialogue that was spoken over the music, which was a fairly common occurence in the series.
The video quality of the episodes is also high. One or two sequences have odd color bleeds, but it transfers well for a TV show shot on video in the late 70s.
The featurettes are interesting looks into how hot Loni Anderson was in 1978 and how the series creator was opposed to writing a slapstick comedy (episode "Fish Story"), which turned out as the highest rated episode of the season (although not as funny in retrospect as various other episodes).
And finally, Jan Smithers was severly underrated in terms of attractiveness as shy director Bailey Quarters.
I give WKRP in Cincinnati: The Complete First Season a 2 3/4 count. If you're a fan of sitcoms or WKRP specifically, this is a quality product.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Monday, June 04, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #11
Mortal Kombat II
"FINISH HIM!"
Aw, yeah. The blood! The fatalities! The characters -- Baraka! Shao Khan!
This is one of those "sequel is better than the original" instances, where the second game far exceeds the expectations established by the first. The storylines are more developed, the arenas are more fully realized ... man, this game was the shit back in the arcade days.
Legendary cultural phenomena are at their most successful when they develop their own mythology, and the MK universe has mythology in spades. And the enduring quality of Mortal Kombat as a gaming series can easily be traced to this game. Gods, monks and wizards abound ... oh, yeah, and shitloads of ninjas (Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Noob Saibot, Smoke, and Reptile).
The game's available on the "Midway Arcade Treasures 2" collection, and it's an unlockable in the "Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks" game.
A whip around the news horn
Located inside:
- How many millions is putting your dork in a mousetrap worth?
- What's next for the gorilla pimp of assisted suicide?
- At what point will we have online gamers playing real-life simulators where characters sit and play online games?
- And, how many moves does it take to solve a Rubik's cube?
"[M]uch to his emotional tranquillity and to his physical harm, [Perry Caravello] was severely injured when the trap literally went on his manhood." You ask me, a dumbass who gets his dick caught in a mousetrap -- on purpose, no less -- deserves whatever "humiliation" that the good lord can muster up. [more]
"On Sunday, Mr. Kevorkian discounted his critics and said he did not care what his legacy might be in the assisted-suicide movement. 'I did it right,' he said. 'I didn’t care what they did or didn’t do. When I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right.'" Frank Sinatra couldn't have said it better ... thankfully, Kevorkian didn't kill him. [more]
"Second Life has always aspired to recreate society; as it has grown in popularity and population, it has, quite naturally, begun to attract some of the internet's seedier characters. A disturbing behavioural science experiment has begun. William Golding would have been thrilled to witness his plotlines played out in the darker corners of our online islands, where the savagery of avatars drives some to riot and others to assault each other." Is it irony that one of the leading programming firms mentioned in the article is "Endemol," i.e. "end 'em all?" [more]
"26." And 42 is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. [more]
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Deep Discount DVD 20% sale is on now! (Jun 1 - 17)
When checking out, use the coupon codes listed below:
DVDTALK
USATODAY
NYTIMES
SUPERSALE
PRICESEARCH
LATIMES
ESPN
YAHOO
JIM
XM
GOOGLE
BARGAINFLIX
COUPONPOST
YAHOO
DEALNEWS
I've already made use of the XM code to get Murder on the Orient Express, The Munsters 2-Movie Franchise set, and Bowling for Columbine. And there's a lot more time between now and the 17th.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Game systems
Ok, what game systems do you currently have?
I have a PS2 and a Gamecube. I never play the Gamecube. I do enjoy the PS2 and I am playing God of War 2 as we speak. I am also excited that the WWE 2008 game will be available for the PS2. My question is what system is the best? I have played a Wii and I really want one. They are interactive and puts you more into the game. Do any of you have a PS3 and if so, is it worth the price tag???
Just curious.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
[TV] Best TV show title ... ever
If you can honestly bypass a show called, "101 More Things Removed From The Human Body," you are not human.
It's a documentary I saw on TLC tonight; it showed some pretty gnarly shit being surgically removed from people's abdomens, faces, and appendages. Some of the more fun, and graphic, stuff was a javelin from a chick's foot, a 132 abdominal hernia, and a blinking LED light that is visible to the naked eye when looking at the child's stomach in which it's resting.
But during the show, a counter lists other items, but doesn't cover these. Therefore, the show loses points because it glosses over some of the more interesting potential entries, like "a massager," "hand grenade," and "unicycle."
Of course, this makes me recall a ghastly thing I saw on a surgery show once, where a roofer fell off a house and was impaled through the ass on some shrubbery. I mean, the shrub trunk went right up dude's ass. Woof.
28 Weeks Later
Spoilers and my review follow the jump, so read only if you have seen it/don't want to see it.
Rarely have I been as disappointed as I was after seeing this movie.
28 Days Later was a great, great movie. The powerful opening sequences with the guy walking around a deserted London looking for people, taking pound notes from dead people, and searching for civilization set the tone for the film. The soldiers topped it off with a contrast to how depraved humanity can be even when it is normal (thanks to Christopher Eccleston's role as Major West). They did it in a subtle way, though. The fight for survival took precedence and sucked the viewer into the film. Even when Eccleston offered Jim the chance to join the depravity, it was still about survival, not about an aggressive military or a warped mankind.
28 Weeks Later takes the good reputation and name of the original and tramples it into the ground.
I don't know if it was the same creative team or not, but either way the guys who made the first one should be followed around with a crowd of 10-20 people chanting "You Sold Out" at all times. When they are in church, "You Sold Out." When they go to Starbucks to have a triple latte smufrledick crunch punch, "You Sold Out." When they are in the club getting tipsy, "You Sold Out." Everywhere they go, they should hear this until 28 Months Later comes out (and you know there will be one, even though there probably shouldn't be). Then, they should hear it louder and more frequently.
28 Weeks Later takes place almost exclusively in London, aside from an opening sequence in which the Infected attack a cottage in the countryside full of survivors. The violence is shot a bit differently than in the first one, but it isn't bad. Standard zombie-fare. After a brief sequence that chronicles the aftermath of infection, we are taken to Gatwick airport, where a group of civilians are coming to repatriate the country. Reconstruction has thus far been limited to "The Green Zone" (no, I'm not kidding, they really call it the Green Zone), which is essentially the Isle of Dogs in London. The group in charge of Reconstruction? The U.S. Army, of course.
Without summarizing everything, Infection returns when a woman is rescued from outside the Green Zone by her children (who were in the US during the outbreak). Turns out she is immune to Rage, but is a carrier. One of her kids is immune to it, one isn't. Her husband, a survivor and a civilian, somehow has an all-access pass to any facility in London, even classified military structures. He sneaks in to see her, feels guilty for leaving her behind, kisses her, becomes infected, and hilarity ensues.
The problem with this movie is that it is too implausible. Yes, it is a zombie movie, but that isn't the part that is implausible. The actions of the U.S. military, who is apparently supposed to be the bad guy in this more so than the Ragers, are so asinine and unbelievable so as not to be taken seriously at all. For example, when Infection first breaks out, the Army quarantines all civilians (ok, so far), but they do this by locking them in an underground garage and turning off all of the lights inside. To top this off, they don't secure the exits and a Rager makes it in. More hilarity ensues.
Because they are on an island, and Ragers can't swim (a fact established in the opening scene of the movie), the Army doesn't fall back across the river and set up a choke point. No, they shoot everybody, whether they are a Rager or not. This includes the Army sniper who leaves his post to try to get the two children to safety and a group of non-Raging civilians who are running around to protect said two children because the Army doctor (the only one, I might add) realizes that the boy is immune and could be used to find a cure. To top it all off, an Apache helicopter shoots at a Volvo station wagon driving through the deserted streets of London to avoid a poision gas attack by the Army. Since we all know that people on Rage are the best drivers, you would think that the Army would try to help them, instead of senselessly killing them. Total non-starter.
So, in conclusion, this movie should have been rewritten more to the spirit of the original. I like my metaphors as much as the next guy, but this whole U.S. Army is bad is simply overdone. And no, I'm not objecting to it because I'm patriotic or what not, I'm objecting to it because it has no coherence. Only three soldiers in the whole movie have anything remotely resembling common sense, and they have to disregard orders to show it. Of course, they succeed in accidentally bringing Rage to France and, ostensibly, the entire European continent, so expect that sequel in a couple of year.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Everything that is wrong with where we are from
You know, I used to rebel when That Other Site used to show pictures of hillbillies and act like it was something to be proud of.
I would change the background to Foghorn Leghorn and other various and sundry things in those days. Especially when the one of the guy balancing a beer can on top of a sleeping hillbillies head was made the POW for the 14th time in history.
If you want to see why I despise those so much, click on this link. It is a story from the Times News. Note the 300 pound woman in a mu-mu, the boy holding the dog, etc., etc. The only stereotype missing is a rebel flag, and I bet if you look hard enough one is tatooed on a guy's arm in the pic.
Charles Nelson Reilly, RIP
Welcome to the big guest panel in the sky.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/05/28/reilly.obit.ap/index.html
Sunday, May 27, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #12
God Of War
This game has a lot of ingredients for a whopping ass great game. Lessee ...
- The story is wrapped steep in Greek mythology, already a wealthy platform from which to launch a game that's this epic in scope;
- Kratos is probably one of the best characters in gaming history ... a character who's an ultimate killing machine could run the risk of getting one dimensional, but Kratos is very well written;
- Gameplay mechanics are kept simple yet engaging ... boss battles consist of mini-games that determine the battle outcomes;
- And, you can't beat a game that gives you a sex mini-game:
In the beginning of Act 2, there are 2 women in your bed when you are inside your ship. If you jump on the bed, A circle will appear above the bed, indicating a Mini-game. Press Circle, and the game will start. All you see is the vase, but as you get further, the vase will shake more and more, until it falls and breaks. you have to press the buttons as it commands it. closer to the end, you have to rotate the Left Analog Stick. If you win, the first time, you get a large amount of Red orbs. Everytime afterwards, you get 5 more.
Courtesy: Gamespot
Saturday, May 26, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #13
Kung Fu Master
For a kung fu "master," our hero's offensive and defensive repertoire is pretty damn limited: A kick, a punch, a jumping kick and a jumping punch, and that's about it.
You are the Kung Fu Master, who embarks on this mission to save your kidnapped girlfriend. Really, the tendency to become a kidnap victim really highlights the weakness of the female gender in videogames. But she's trapped in a tower, and you get to rescue her. Kung fu goons attack you as you progress on each floor; you punch and kick them away, and if the goons come two at a time, a jump kick will disperse them effeciently. If the goons catch you, they hump you until you lose precious fighting energy. A knife thrower shows up from time to time to test your skills. At the end of each floor is a "boss" character:
The first floor - A stick fighter;
The second floor - A boomerang thrower;
The third floor - A giant;
The fourth floor - A wizard that has a tendency to disappear, or form doubles to confound you;
The fifth floor - Another kung-fu master (which means another guy proficient in punch-kick-jump kick fighting skills).
The format of the game is influenced by the Bruce Lee film, "Game of Death." This film was partly finished before Lee took a break to film "Enter the Dragon." Before "Dragon" was released, and therefore before "Game" was finished being filmed, Lee dropped dead. This part, of course, is not reflected in the game "Kung Fu Master."
While not the greatest side-scrolling fighting game, it was pretty damn influential.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
666th POST! WOO HOO!
Seriously, that's awesome, so let's start this off with a link to this: a quickly penned rant about Jerry Falwell and religion. (CAUTION: POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE)
That fat, racist, misogynist, homophobic, knuckledragging, mouthbreathing fuck is still dead and I'm still happy about it.
(The essay is archived as-is in the format of the original site in case anyone is wondering if I redesigned the Multimedia Empire; the only working link is to the cleaned up, expanded version of the essay.)
-----
I went to NYC. It was awesome. I took pictures. They are not so awesome. I don't understand cameras all that well.
Raw photos.
Selected shots edited to look better.
-----
I like the new banner. That thing creeps me out and I was literally relieved to find out that was a hoax. Also, I received the WKRP in Cincinnati DVDs today. Watched the two-part pilot. Better than I remembered, to be honest. I can't believe Ron B. hated on it. It's neat receiving mail someone addressed to SGM Research Laboratories.
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"SGM: Putting the OG in blog." I bet some cocksucker is already using that tagline. Fuck 'em. It's ours now.
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Oddly enough, That Other Site is not dead yet.
Monday, May 21, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #14
Ghosts 'n' Goblins
This game out-Castlevania'd Castlevania. Besides, who's a bigger villain, Dracula or Satan?
Anyway, the start of the game is nigh legendary: Your character (retroactively fitted with the name Maximo) is chilling in the woods, gettin' wit' his girl, chillin' in his drawers, when this demon from hell swoops down and scoops the chica up. The question of whether we're talking either pre- or post-coital bid'ness here before the demon makes his entrance, well that's no question at all; if you'd just gunked up a girl's funky monkey, would you waste time saving her from the devil? Hey, I got mines, I don't need the drug trip of Venus flytraps shooting shit out their mouths and zombies. So, Maximo must think this girl's got the golden cooze, 'cause he goes through Hell (literally) to save the chick.
And the worst part is, you beat the game once, you have to beat it a second time to really win the game. You ask me, Maximo, I think it's time to find another girlfriend.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #15
Metal Slug
War is hell. But war against a Neo-fascist regime conspiring with a combination outer space slash occult force that's determined to dominate mankind? That's just double-hell.
Side scrolling? Check. Moderate platforming? Check. Rescuing hostages? Check. Assorted weaponry, like shotguns, flamethrowers, and missle launchers? Check and check. What the hell is this, Contra?
To me, Metal Slug had the most personality of all the stand-up arcade shooters that were out there. Chief among its appeal was the ability to command armored mobile weaponry, from your everyday tanks, to camels and elephants, to this weird subway spider thing that launched an electrified harpoon into your enemies. The bosses almost assured that you would be spending at least one life per round; the thing that I always thought sucked is that you only saved the hostages you rescued if you survived all the way through the game, losing no life at all ... damn near impossible, even on "easy" during the first scene.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
[NBA] DET 95 - CHI 85
Detroit moves to the Eastern Conference Finals.
Rasheed Wallace is a shitass.
Tayshaun Prince is a god among men.
That is all.
Fearless Prediction
In case you were wondering what I thought about the GOP nominee for 2008.
Fred Thompson.
Write it down. Fred Thompson.
The man will beat Guiliani and McCain because he is simply a better communicator than the other two. He is saying things on his radio "report" (which can be found
here) that are direct and clear. He knows how to use new technology better than the other candidates and seems to have more to say than they do. He also has experience in DC dating back to Watergate and a term and a half as a US Senator. This is not a mere actor playing the role of a politician.
Also, be on the look out for Ron Paul. This guy is a whackjob of the first order. He is a Congressman from Texas who is trying to run as a devout libertarian and assume the "Reagan Legacy." He is this year's Howard Dean. He has about 5 people sitting in a warehouse in Texas trying to drive up Internet traffic and e-mailing everyone who criticizes him. The man couldn't lead a 4-H club to the county fair, much less the free world.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
That is Good News!
I'm interrupting my vacation in NYC to make the following important announcement: Jerry Falwell is dead.
Unfortunately, my old Charter user account where I archived old essays and assorted missives has finally been removed, so I can't link to an old piece I did after 9/11 where the fat cocksucker blames the attacks on liberals, queers, feminists, Jews and the ACLU, but this is fucking great news. I almost wish I believed in Hell so I could hope the fat bastard burns in the hottest depths, but I'll be satisfied with his coversion to worm food.
Praise Jesus.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #16
Diablo
"The sanctity of this place has been fouled!"
If this isn't the be-all, end-all of dungeon crawlers, I don't know what is. The in-game interface couldn't have been easier to use. Plus, the randomization of the game's dungeon areas each time you played was a nice little twist that added much replay value to an otherwise outstanding game.
And even though he was only the first major villain, the Butcher still scares the shit out of me.
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #17
Spy Hunter
Great, now the midi version of "Peter Gunn" is in my head.
I dug this game, although not as much as "Bump 'N Jump," as far as racers go. Although, I have to say the appeal of driving a car with a smokescreen, oil slick, and front-mounted machine guns was enough to get a few quarters out of my pocket.
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #18
Ratchet & Clank
Ratchet & Clank deserves to be ranked up there with the Sonics, the Marios, et al, as this game was instrumental in redefining the platform genre.
Ratchet is a smart-ass cat/squirrel hybrid with the biggest hands I've ever seen on a videogame character. Clank is his clever robotic hetero life mate. Along with an arsenal that includes a gun that turns your enemies into chickens, a huge metallic boxing glove, and a glove that fires inflatable decoys that lure your enemies away from you, this game brings the pain.
It's a very well-written game, and, like some of the most successful pieces of entertainment out there, appeals to young and older gamers alike. The dialogue is humorous (albeit not drop-dead funny), and the exchange between Ratchet and Clank feels pretty natural for a videogame of this type.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Sleeper
I just listened to the podcast, which I apologize for sleeping on. Good inclusions and it sounds like you've got the fades between tracks down. I was caught off-guard by the fade-in at the end of the MOP track and the last track was a good choice to go out on. I favor the Mad Scientific ending now that I've listen; without it the podcast felt naked and abrupt.
Also, the cryptic descriptions keep the Retarded and Ignorant Asshole Association off our backs, but I'd like to know what tracks I'm listening to. We need a way around that.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Why Academe is a Dual-Edged Sword
I love working in the realm of ideas, whether it be teaching, research, or writing. At times, though, there are downsides.
The academy has become fixated on the concept of "diversity." This is not news. However, it has gotten to the point now where people are not even trying to hide it anymore.
On a prominent academic announcement site (kind of like Craig's List for scholarly opportunities) we find this gem, posted yesterday. Here is the title:
"Urgently needed a female commentator for an AHA panel entitled 'Conquest of the City -- Patterns of Monarchic Ceremonial Employment of Urban Space'"
I have had urgent needs for females before I suppose, but one wonders why a female commentator is necessary? Are they expecting this woman to engage in some sort of ritualistic demonstration to go along with the theme of the panel? Will she ask the audience to eat cake?
Then, once inside this post, which in all fairness sounds like a laudable and worthy panel topic, you find this:
"Four male scholars studying imperial processions and ceremonies are looking for a female commentator to gain acceptance for their panel at next year's AHA."
Ah yes. The big, bad American Historical Association won't accept a panel unless it has a female. As if, for some reason, a presentation is intellectually dishonest if it is composed on males only. The feminine voice evidently is short hand for a differing set of ideas or opinions to broaden the panel and make it somehow more genuine.
At times, I just have to shake my head.
Another school related shooting
When the VA Tech shootings went down one of the earliest thoughts I had was the fervent hope that the shooter had never even heard of video games, let alone played them regularly and for fuck's sake not Grand Theft Auto. The last thing the video game industry needs is a high-profile incident for media whore, anti-gaming crusader, and alleged attorney Jack "Douchebag" Thompson to attach his blood-sucking maw in his quest to wipe the world clean of simulated evil. Because as we all know, violence did not exist before the advent of video games. (Homosexuality was also created in 1959 as a Communist plot to destroy America, but that's beside the point.)
Imagine my dismay when today's shooting, which left a paltry one person dead, turned out to be not just possibly inspired by video games, but was a direct result of a dispute over a game console.
Goddammit.
Fortunately it appears that post-VA Tech-shooting-fatigue has set in, as the story isn't linked on Drudge anymore and I had to dig three pages deep at USA Today to find a link. Plus the Fort Dix Caper and the Kansas vs the Natural Disasters stories seem to be keeping it off the front page. All the same: goddammit.
UPDATE: Added like to Jack Thompson's Wikipedia entry, changed name from Jack Armstrong. For some reason I cannot remember this asshole's last name correctly.
