Remember that episode of "South Park," where the kids are anxiously awaiting the commercial for the "Terrence & Phillip" film, and when the commercial airs (in all its minimalist, unspectacular glory) the kids are whooping it up and running around in circles saying, "omigod, omigod" and calling their friends to share notes?
Um, yeah.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
"The Walking Dead" comic to be adapted to live action TV series
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Separated at birth?
See that dude up top? Not the one standing, the one on dude's shoulders?
I can has Bo Jamz?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Reverend Joshua versus The Crazy (Part Three)
(Also see Part Two!)
It's true, it's true! The big finish! Enjoy!
Money for Nothing (and the Crazy for Free)
Michael sent out one of his occasional emails detailing the latest installment of Obama’s Secret Plan to Destroy the World and apparently I sighed way too loudly as I read it because Michael flipped out and shouts about how I didn’t have to read the email if I didn’t want to, but the article he linked to was that Obama is going to raise taxes in January 2010 so high that he would have to cut everyone’s pay by a third. The original phrasing Michael used was “if you are still here in January, your pay will be cut by a third.” He specifically emphasized that he was referring to me and I thought it was odd that he was already planning for me not being there in January.
Unsurprisingly, there was no tax rate increase, but Michael apparently did recently cut pay, as evidenced by a Craigslist want ad recently discovered by my roommate. (Craigslist deletes ads after a period of time, so I archived this for posterity.) A year ago I would have said that I don’t know what kind of person would focus a want ad on the fact that he had just cut salaries; today, I can confidently say that I know exactly what kind of person does that.
Another email in August had a link to what at the time was just an early draft of the Health Care Bill. Anyone with any knowledge of current events or critical thinking skills was aware that there were at least six versions under review of which this was just one. Not Michael, though: “The Democrats are pulling a fast one trying to pass a Health bill and are lying to our faces right now. Here is the actual bill.” The email also included a huge list of “facts” about the bill, each “fact” referring to a page in the bill and whatever evil aspect of Obamacare it represented. As Michael bellowed through the office that everyone should read the email, he implied that the “facts” were from research that he had personally done. My general policy with Michael’s emails was to spot check them: pick a couple of points and do a quick Google search to debunk them just to make sure that I still lived on planet Earth.
The first “fact” from the email: “Page 22 of the HC Bill MANDATES the Govt will audit books of ALL EMPLOYERS that self insure!! WTF!!” I didn’t even have to research this: if a company decides to self-insure their employees – the employer assumes the direct risk for payment of employees’ benefit claims – of course the government is going to make sure that the employer can afford to do so, especially if mandates exist for health insurance. This is called “closing a loophole” and also protecting employees: the only thing worse than having no insurance is finding out that your employer never actually had the funds to cover the insurance that you thought you had. I double-checked the bill to see if there was something missing from this “fact” and it turned out there was: auditing books of employers who self-insure is part of an 18-month study of the efficiency of self-insurance, not a permanent aspect of health care reform. Two strikes on the first pitch.
I skimmed through more “facts.” “Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill – YOUR HEALTHCARE IS RATIONED!!!” Insurance companies decide what they will pay for based on various factors. You can call it rationing, risk management, cost-benefit analysis, or whatever you like, but it’s all the same. I was disappointed by the inclusion of this oft-repeated criticism, as Michael’s nonsense is usually of a higher caliber. “Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill – HC will be provided 2 ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise.” I did a simple search of the bill for the word “undocumented” and found that on page 143, section 143 it clarified: “no federal payment for undocumented aliens,” defining undocumented aliens as “individuals who are not lawfully present in the United States.” Two more pitches, two more strikes.
I skip forward to a “fact” in big red letters, so it must be important and certainly it has to be true if he’s going to call attention to it: “Page 304 L 17-19 BIG ONE HERE: Expedited Data Collection – Chapter 35 and…” it has a link to a page that no longer exists. Fortunately, Google archived it: the point here is that the Health Care Reform act would be able to use collected data in any way it sees fit, exempting the government from protecting the privacy of citizens. Here's the text of the bill on page 304, lines 17 through 19: “Chapter 35 of title 44, United States Code shall not apply to this section.” What is Chapter 35 of title 44, United States Code? It’s the Paperwork Reduction Act! The Paperwork Reduction Act has nothing to do with privacy laws, it's intended to ensure that the goddamned government wastes as little time, money, and - as the title of the law suggests - paper as possible. At this point there are more errors in the “fact” checking than there are “facts.” In compiling this list, Michael failed at reading and comprehension in every conceivable way.
But wait, there’s more failure: in researching that last “fact” I discovered that the list was compiled by this illiterate. Not only did Michael steal someone else’s work, but he stole research that was incorrect to the point of being a lie. You couldn’t possibly fit any more failure and stupidity into one email.
Ohhhh yes you can. The email included the warning that "If Health Reform passes, not only will your pay be reduced, but the Post Office ( which means the government) will run your Dr. office and our health industry, and we WILL sacrifice our elderly as all all socialized medicine does in every nation including England and Canada." Just...no. I'm done with this part of the story.
Denouement Part Two – Race to the Bottom
Michael spent a great deal of time, money, and energy in creating an Internet-based War/Battle Simulation/Social Networking Strategy Game Website with a storyline based on his particularly odd brand of paranoid delusional politics: United States of Earth. I don’t know anything about how the Game works because I never tried to play it, but the explanation I was given made it sound like an MMO based on a combination of Risk and Diplomacy board games. The plot and setting is familiar; it’s 2011 and Obama’s Secret Plan to Destroy the World damaged America so badly that Republicans won majorities in both Houses of Congress in the 2010 election, but Obama refuses to seat the new Congress and revokes the US Constitution, leading the American people to revolt. The player’s goal is to seize territories and government to eliminate the evil liberals/Federales/traitors boogeymen.
The first guy Michael hired to do website programming for USoE quit after two weeks because he could not get Michael to understand the limitations of web-based gaming and was tired of being instructed to do the impossible. The second programmer quit after being ordered to wash his hands because Michael witnessed him leaving the bathroom without washing his hands; this incident was aired publicly on the calling floor while employees were on live calls as Michael ordered his assistant to very publicly clean the programmer’s keyboard, mouse, and work area with Lysol while Michael stood around shouting about it. Granted, not washing your hands after you use the bathroom is nasty, but this can be handled quietly.
Before United States of Earth went live, Michael needed posts on USoE similar to the ones on Earthfrisk, presumably for the same reason: to make the game website appear to have legitimate traffic. Michael also wanted us to focus on creating Trivia Questions for the game, as players will answer those questions to earn points to create larger armies to win battles to win the Internet, fuck if I know why. Creating Trivia Questions is easy: set the StumbleUpon toolbar to Wikipedia-only and then dig something out of the entries that come up. However, creating Trivia is far more time consuming than simply posting links; each question is multiple choice, so it needs one real answer and three incorrect answers.
Michael’s inability to focus leads to an erratic demand for Posts one day and Trivia the next, then nothing is mentioned for two weeks, then a sudden demand for Posts that changes to Trivia later in the day. One October Tuesday evening, just before the end of my shift, Michael storms around the office bellowing his demands Trivia Questions for the site. I do what I can over the remaining three hours of my shift to add Trivia Questions to the site between calls, but in deference to the clients I focus on answering phone calls and providing customer service to the callers.
A little over an hour into my shift the following day, I receive an Instant Message from the Office Manager telling me to shut down both computers and come to her desk. I know it this can’t be good: the only reason I would need to shut down both computers is if I’m not going to be there for the rest of the day - or possibly ever again. The Office Manager tells me that my bounced calls have been high recently.
Let me explain: in most call centers, you take one call at a time. At Crazyhouse Office, you have calls coming in on top of calls you are already taking and you have to put the first caller on hold to take the next call and so on, with the system having a limit of nine calls per station at any given time. The extent to which calls overlap is related to how many client accounts you handle and the current call volume. If you cannot answer an incoming call quickly enough, the system automatically reroutes the call to another available operator, thus it is called a bounced call or “bounce.” Bounced calls are a legitimate issue, because calls need to be taken promptly and a missed call could mean a lost customer.
From conversations I had with a fellow employee over the previous months, I was aware that my bounced calls were higher than other employees; however I was also aware that my call volume was higher than other employees. I was never given any official assessment of my performance, nor had my performance been discussed in any type of performance review in months because there are no performance reviews. As to why there are no performance reviews is debatable; it could be a result of there being enough just enough employees to cover the call volume, meaning that no one in a position of authority has the opportunity to compile data and discuss it with CSRs. It could also be that Michael’s review of your performance is based entirely on his serotonin levels on any given day. Or possibly your voting record. But this is speculation.
So now I’m getting an impromptu performance review covering some undetermined amount of time. When advising me of my high rate of bounced calls the Office Manager made a motion towards a piece of paper that had a column five numbers on it. I assumed these were the previous five days’ worth of bounces and protested that I had been added to a very large number of new accounts the previous week and was still familiarizing myself with them. The Office Manager claimed the new accounts were irrelevant and that I had been added to the accounts in order to bring my volume up to levels closer to other employees who had more call volume than I did. I wasn’t immediately looking to call the Office Manager a liar, but the numbers I had seen going back some months demonstrated that I was regularly taking a higher volume of calls than the employees she mentioned long before I was given the new accounts. In fact, I had long been taking a higher volume of calls than all but two or three others. The Office Manager mentioned that she had been instructed to look back over my numbers after Michael had noticed that I had not posted any questions to USoE the night before; because my bounces were so high I was being suspended for three days – without pay, naturally. I was furious and twice had to stop myself from screaming obscenities at the Office Manager because Michael was the true target of my rage and he conveniently wasn’t there.
I signed off on my Employee Warning Notice, which focused on bounced calls and doesn’t mention my alleged refusal to further contribute to the Internet Culture of the Workplace, then stalked back to the F-Train. I was still seething when I got home was not certain of what to do next, but after sharing yet another oh-so-hilarious tale of Crazyhouse Office for my roommates, I decided this: Michael would have to fire me if he wanted rid of me. In the meantime, the issue of bounced calls became a hot topic at the office, with regular updates on call volume and bounces being sent out throughout the day with the expectation of minimal bounces. It seems strange to tie the necessity of performance reviews to Michael’s hobbies, but it’s not my company.
When I returned from the three-day suspension, I saw an email from Michael saying not to worry about posting on USoE until the server issues were resolved and that a new server was being installed to handle the new traffic. The new traffic was a result of USoE being posted on Fark; for anyone unfamiliar with Fark, it’s a where people submit websites and news stories and the readership at large will comment on them. If something previously obscure, like USoE, hits the front page of Fark, the site is often overrun with traffic from people who saw it on Fark – the terms for this phenomenon are called “Farking” and being “Farked.” Michael found out USoE had been “Farked” and was allegedly quite pleased with “the publicity” until he read the comments that were being left on Fark about his masterpiece. For someone who takes his mythology seriously, it must have been quite a shock to read quotes like “This has to be a carefully crafted farce… I can only believe that this was concocted by a bunch of snickering undergrads out for the LULZ” and “These people are seriously unhinged” in reference to USoE.
I returned to work as usual the following Monday and The Office Manager took a moment before my shift started to ask me if I was ok and if there was any tension between the two of us. I assured her that I had no problem with her; she was just doing her job. And everything was fine until 15 minutes before the end of my shift on Wednesday, when Michael came by my desk and told me to finish my call, shut down both computers, gather my personal belongings, and come to the front desk.
Michael, the Office Manager, and I went to a conference room; Michael began with an odd question about my recent job searches and then detailed my allegedly poor performance. I noted that it was their failure that I had gone so long with allegedly poor performance without any intervening review to let me know that my performance was unsatisfactory. I also noted that my performance had improved once I was advised that it had been unsatisfactory. Michael suggested that my performance was a result of dissatisfaction with my job, demonstrated by how angry I had been about being suspended for three days, and referred to the fact that I had asked for time off for job interviews. I corrected him and pointed out that I had asked for a schedule switch on one day to interview for job that was a specific and possible career opportunity that I didn’t have high expectations of getting anyway. I didn’t really know how to address criticism for being angry about being suspended without pay for three days; that was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard him or anyone else say.
(I should note, in the interests of full disclosure and accuracy, that I did receive one performance review within my first month relating to bounced calls and I resolved the issue to the satisfaction of the Sales Manager who handled the review. I was not, at any time, advised of any threshold or standards of performance and the lack of further review gave me no reason to consider my performance unsatisfactory.)
At this point I determined that any further discussion was futile and a danger to my well-being and freedom as I was already beginning to see spots from anger and most of the words I could think of were obscenities, so I asked the obvious question of whether or not I was being fired and stood up to leave. Michael said that I was being terminated but, in a stunning twist, that if I would sit down and stay calm he would state that my termination was due to downsizing and position elimination, thus making me eligible for unemployment. If I left immediately I would be fired “for cause” and would unable to draw unemployment. So I sat down and then he said something about finding a job I enjoy and then scribbled a note about downsizing on a printout with the company name and employer ID. And with that, my tenure at Crazyhouse Office quietly came to an end.
Epilogue: Fark You, Buddy
United States of Earth did receive some publicity as a result of getting Farked, all of which occurred after my termination. Mother Jones, a very progressive Liberal magazine - who employs my favorite political blogger, Kevin Drum – interviewed Michael about the game and the anti-Obama storyline. Michael uses the second or third last name that I’ve seen - Russotto - in order to “protect himself” from people who, when looking for the main office of USoE, would find themselves directed by a big red sign to the front door of…you guessed it, Crazyhouse Office.
To be honest, I was quite disappointed with the MoJo interview. Here’s an opportunity for Michael to air his views in what will probably be the best opportunity he’ll see at a notable forum; more than that, it’s an opportunity to confront the hated “Liberal Media” head-on. When talking to David Corn - a legitimately bright journalist who regularly challenges and debunks absurd far-right nonsense – Michael, the man who stomps around the office shouting “THIS PRESIDENT IS DOGSHIT!” to a captive audience, is suddenly Mr. Middle-of-the-Road who dislikes each party equally and isn't an ideologue “advancing any partisan agenda.” This anti-Obama scenario is merely the first “stunt” to bring players to the game; a similar “Bush-themed” episode is in the works.
I did see the purpose in taking a moderated stance when discussing USoE for the publicity. If he’s looking to make the game commercially viable he can’t drive away potential customers. But then I found this interview Michael did with Two Stuttering Jerkasses and a Fuckwit (This is a YouTube link, just over minute long. Apparently there’s a longer version of this interview, but that YouTube clip is all of his nonsense I’m going to listen to for anything less than $14 an hour.) On an Internet radio show with an audience consisting of drunks who wear tinfoil hats, permanent basement dwellers, and what George Carlin called "guys in Army fatigues talking to God on a one-way radio" hosted by a couple of clowns who sound like they'd have trouble arguing with a kindergartener, Michael shows his true colors: Obama is evil and these Marxists “Czars” are infiltrating our government and using black helicopters, FEMA concentration camps, and Health Care Reform to kill the elderly. (I only listened to like 30 seconds of that interview so that may not accurately represent what he actually said, but I think I can safely assume that he did.)
And that’s my former employer in a nutshell: Glenn Beck with twice the crazy and half the charm, hiding behind fake names and confidentiality agreements so that he can preach to the chorus and a captive audience without having to risk being called on his bullshit.
I wrote this story to amuse and inform my friends and family, not as part of a crusade against an asshole who fired me and then suggested that he was doing me a favor by claiming my termination was due to downsizing so that I could draw unemployment. Any exposure of someone's political mythology to the harsh light of truth is unintended. Speaking of politics, I did occasionally refer to Michael’s politics as “far-right” and I want to make clear that I wouldn’t smear the Republican Party or modern conservative philosophy with his lunacy, but it is what it is.
I want to thank everyone who made it this far and I also want to suggest that newcomers dig around the archives here at Science Gone Mad. There’s some great work from my fellow Mad Scienticians - Nate, Ron B., Will, Buck, and Jake - all over this joint. Just pick a category over on the right and go. Bookmark us and y’all come on back now, y’hear?
~Fin~
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Nate's Word of the Day
morass (n. more-ass)
1. An area of low-lying, soggy ground.
2. Something that hinders, engulfs, or overwhelms.
(Yep, exactly what you can expect when you get morass than you can handle.)
Reverend Joshua versus The Crazy (Part Two)
(Also see Part One!)
I opened up the ol' Inbox today to this gem:
Dear Joshua
Not only are you in violation of an agreement that you signed not to talk about the company in any way, but you are naming [Crazyhouse office] which was not your employer. You were employed by [Another Company, Not Crazyhouse Office]. [Crazyhouse Office Group] is an umbrella group for many companies around the country - all of which you have left yourself open to lawsuits from. You are advised to remove the article immediately. Failure to do so will result in many lawsuits from companies around the country, including your former employer [Another Company, Not Crazyhouse Office], which by the way, didn't protest your unemployment benefits. We may now do so, along with a lawsuit if you do not remove the article immediately since you were fired for cause and therefore are not eligible to get unemployment insurance. NYS will go after you for all monies already given to you.
We are giving you a few days before we notify each of the companies as individual entities who may also sue you for violation. We will share the info with them and join in the many lawsuits. We will also notify your hosting company of a violation of their terms of use in using free blog space to illegally disparage a former employer. Not only will your blog be removed, but they will also add testimony as they have a copy of the article and we do too.
We will acknowledge receipt of this message when the blog is taken down. Don't wait too long.
Your friend
Mike
Internet Lawsuit threat! For. The. Win. Man, I hope he totally doesn't tell the unemployment people that he changed his mind three months later and decided that I was fired for cause! I guess this Termination Notice with the reason for termination listed as "downsizing" is totally a forgery, probably by the same organization that forged Obama's birth certificate!
I planned to put the Strange but True Tale of Michael's Confidentiality Agreement in the third and final segment, but he totally spoiled it so I went ahead and included it part two. I may go back and change the name of where I worked to Crazyhouse Office. In fact, yeah, that's what I'll do. Hopefully this will avoid MANY LAWSUITS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY. And it is also funnier, plus the Interests of Accuracy are appeased.
This reminds me of the legal threats Something Awful receives from aggrieved crazy people. I guess that puts me in pretty good company. But enough about that crazy bullshit, it's time for PART TWO OF THIS CRAZY BULLSHIT:
The Internet and You
The nature of the business requires that employees have largely unrestricted access to the Internet. The clientele is constantly changing and – aside from refusing to aid in the battle against our planet becoming uninhabitable and also declining service for blatantly obvious scams and frauds – Crazyhouse Office will provide services to anyone who puts in the barest effort at appearing legitimate. Because the clients include some fully-legal adult services, you can’t run content filters; because new clients are always coming along, you can’t run URL filters. Well, you could run filters that a competent IT professional would regularly update, but that requires hiring a competent IT professional. So the end result is that employees have unrestricted access to the Internet.
The obvious downside to allowing employees full access to the Internet is the possible loss of productivity, which is why most employers either limit access to the Internet or fire unproductive workers regardless of what causes them to not do their goddamned job. Michael doesn’t like that every other company in the world either limits their employees’ Internet access or fires them for not doing their job. Michael’s solution: create Earthfrisk, a social networking site similar to MySpace or Facebook, and require employees to contribute. (See also Michael's blog at Earthfrisk.) Employees contribute by using the StumbleUpon toolbar to randomly find new websites based on settings and interests of our choosing and posting links to those websites on Earthfrisk between calls. This site was created and maintained at an alleged cost of thousands of dollars per month so that Michael would not have to fire employees for using the Internet. I guess it’s cheaper than hiring an IT professional to maintain filters and I don’t really see how this helps productivity but I’m not batshit insane.
Although Michael repeatedly stated that he created Earthfrisk with no intent to profit – he does not sell advertising space of any kind – my impression from looking at the site and some posts and comments he made on various technology-related websites attempting to subtly advertise Earthfrisk was that the original purpose of the site was to actually compete directly with MySpace and Facebook and that employee contributions were intended to give the appearance of legitimate traffic and usage. Earthfrisk is poorly designed, provides no unique services, and - due to Michael’s constantly-trumpeted personal beliefs - the content focused largely on crazy right-wing nonsense; unsurprisingly the site has not, as of this writing, gained much market share.
This bizarre Internet Usage Policy is where my first real problem at Crazyhouse Office arises. As I’ve established, Michael is largely unable to hold coherent conversation for longer than 45 seconds unless it involves Obama’s Secret Plan to Destroy the World. The only clear explanation I was given about the IUP was that if I found something that I liked via StumbleUpon, I was to post it on Earthfrisk. No quota or quality control was defined or mentioned; if you like it, post it. It made sense to me that we would only post things that we like or find interesting from the position of the site having credible, quality material. I asked for clarification on what should be posted and Michael reiterated: if you like something, post it.
I didn’t keep track of what or how often I posted during my first month because I was under the impression that my job was to provide customer service to callers and this Internet nonsense was a trick being played on me by a vengeful God. Given that we were fairly shorthanded, I was also focused more on answering calls than randomly surfing the Internet or posting to a poorly-designed, third-rate social networking site. What Michael didn’t bother to clarify during my interview, or training, or on the three separate occasions I asked for clarification, was that he does indeed require a certain level of participation on Earthfrisk and he allegedly let it be known that certain people were not maintaining this level. He did this, allegedly, by storming around the office and bellowing it while people were taking calls, after which he retreated back to his office without further explanation. Of course I had no clue what he was talking about because I’m on the goddamned phone and can’t pay attention to his gibberish so I make the critical error of thinking whatever he was on about was more irrelevant lunatic political bullshit. Eventually an email was sent out by one of the veteran employees noting that Michael wanted more posts; I let Michael know that I wasn’t finding much of interest and a large amount of what I was finding had already been posted by other employees, as the StumbleUpon database shared by all StumbleUpon users. He mumbled something to the effect that other employees had mentioned the same problem, so he was looking into it and not to worry about volume.
Two days later I was pulled off of the phone and informed I was being suspended for one day (without pay, obviously) because of what my roommate adequately described as “a lack of contribution to the Internet Culture of the Workplace.”
I was upset because I was explicitly told by Michael just days earlier not to worry about post volume and that he had continually been unclear about exactly what volume of posting he was looking for. Michael did everything he could during the meeting to avoid saying “just post anything” without actually saying “just post anything” although I read between the lines and decided that clearly he meant “just post anything.” He would send out a directive a few months later, after he launched his new Social Networking Strategy Game Website, that we should post at least once for every two sites we visit, which would have been helpful fucking information before I lost a day’s pay over it.
Escalating Insanity
I made certain to post often, without regard to value of content, after my suspension and things ran smoothly for a month or so. This would soon change. At the time my desk was located beside the windows on the other side of the office. After a few weeks I noticed that Liz, who sat directly on my left, had begun turning her monitors away from the window on my right. I assumed that she was having trouble with sunlight glaring on her monitors, which was odd because I didn’t have any problems with sunlight, but I didn’t think much of it until a meeting that Liz had regarding her performance.
Normally a performance meeting is held privately in a separate office where a supervisor or supervisors will have a discussion with the employee. Not at Crazyhouse Office; Liz’s performance was reviewed at the front desk on a conference call with the Sales Manager who telecommutes from Long Island. The discussion was a loud airing of grievances audible to the entire staff. After a rundown of her shortcomings as an employee, Michael asked Liz about her monitors. As it happens, Liz didn’t turn the monitors away from the window because of glare; Liz was turning her monitors away from me because she was concerned that I was looking at what she was doing on her computers.
The conversation was just loud enough for everyone to hear it but no one was able to follow the entire conversation because they were trying to take calls, which led a couple of employees to believe that I had done something wrong. Fortunately I was able to piece together that Liz was concerned that I was looking at what was on her monitors and she didn’t want me to see what she was doing. This was absurd, because there obviously isn’t anything she should be doing at work that other people shouldn’t be able to see, a point Michael made, and she also made sure to turn her calling-station monitor away even though there was nothing she could do on that computer that wasn’t work-related. The next day I was moved to another desk on the other side of the office. I was fine with this arrangement because my old seat was in a corner away from the air vents and a couple of warm summer days in the sunlight had nearly resulted in me melting. And since I couldn’t possibly see her monitors from my new seat, everything would be fine…
…until a week or so later when Michael informed me that Liz was accusing me of sexual harassment and that he needed me to write a statement claiming that I had never done any such thing. I, having never sexually harassed Liz, wrote a statement to that effect and gave it to Michael. Apparently she was making a similar claim against another employee and generally looked to be angling for a lawsuit. Liz disappeared a week later with no explanation given.
Denouement Part One or “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
Randomly, in the middle of the day in the middle of September, Michael sent his assistant around with some very important paperwork that all employees had to sign by the end of the day. Before I have an opportunity to look at the document, Michael’s assistant comes around again to retrieve the original paperwork and give us new copies. Apparently the first copy had at least three typos - I say “at least three typos” because the new copy had two typos - unless you’re familiar with the law and legally binding contracts, in which case the entire document is one long typo. Amusingly, one of the remaining typos is a misspelling of Michael’s last name.
Once I finally look at the document I notice that it appears to have been written in Microsoft Notepad and is clearly based on someone’s poorly-thought out idea of what a legally binding document might look like if there weren’t hundreds of years of work that went into creating a common idea of what a legally binding document actually is. Ostensibly the purpose of the document is an agreement to protect the confidentiality of Crazyhouse Office’s clients and their customers – a Confidentiality Agreement, if you will. However, a close examination reveals that the document’s true purpose is to protect “certain ideas and information relating to [Michael]” from being disclosed “without the express written consent of the Discloser [Michael] …and to prevent the Confidential Information from falling into the public domain or into the possession of unauthorized persons.”
Now the reason I think this may be more about protecting Michael’s Confidential Information and not the Clients or their customers is because of the Summation that appears in the middle of the document clarifying that “the recipient will NOT discuss ANY personal information ABOUT [Michael] UNLESS it pertains to preforming [sic] your job…will NOT discuss any personal information pertaining to [Michael] that you have learned in the past or will come to know in the future to ANYONE for ANY REASON outside of work, PERIOD.” And yes it did include the words in all caps. Crazyhouse Office gets a cursory mention in the final third of the first Summation. The second Summation spells out the consequences: “if you break any term of this contract YOU WILL be FIRED and YOU WILL be sued to the fullest extent of the law. Even if you QUIT or are FIRED you can STILL be sued for disclosing any confidential information of [Michael], or the companies listed in this contract.”
Fun fact: notably, one of the circumstances under which the recipient is no longer obligated to protect Michael’s Confidential Information is if the information “was ordered to be publicly released by the requirement of a government agency.”
Secret fun fact: I haven’t been ordered to release this information by the requirement of a government agency…or have I?
Generally legal documents don’t have summations in them because the whole point of an attorney is to pay them a lot of money to do that for you. It’s kind of a racket. Speaking of having an attorney double-check this gibberish, I looked over the document and decided that I needed to take a good goddamned look at this and maybe even have an attorney look at the agreement before I signed it. It appeared to be very broad to the point that I was concerned that I might be signing away my right to tell people that I have a job. I know it’s preposterous, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do: act craaazy. When Michael’s assistant asked if I was ready to sign the agreement, I said that I would like more time to look at it. I also mentioned that I might see if the attorney I previously worked for would mind looking over it. Michael’s assistant sighed and walked away; five minutes later Michael came over to tell me that he “would give me a chance” to have my attorney look at the agreement, but I needed to leave for the rest of the day and that the agreement had to be signed before I could return to work.
I called the attorney I had previously worked for and asked if she would mind reviewing the contract; after reading the agreement her first question was “your boss is crazy, isn’t he?” After we discussed the agreement, my understanding was that it was poorly constructed, clearly based on some sort of template found online or in a book, and that I should sign it without hesitation if my continued employment was at stake. Everything the agreement covers is either protected under existing privacy laws, such as tax returns and medical records. Aside from that, publicly-stated anti-government paranoia and a fundamental misunderstanding of Science isn’t Confidential Information.
In the meantime I found out that others had not signed the agreement, but after I was sent home Michael left for the day without pursuing the issue any further. This began to concern me and I wondered if the entire incident had been a set-up to see who would balk at signing because apparently Michael’s fucking paranoia was contagious and had begun to seep into my head. I returned the next day and signed the agreement, as did everyone who hadn’t signed it the day before, and that was the last it was mentioned.
Continued in Part Three!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Reverend Joshua versus The Crazy (Part One)
[Editor's note: Original references to whoever it was that I worked for have been changed to "Crazyhouse Office" due to legal threats detailed in Part Two.]
Crazyhouse Office was not a normal workplace environment where experiences common to many members of the workforce require no elaboration. A penny-pinching boss that cuts out stocking the break room or an idiot co-worker breaks the printer trying to remove a paper jam – these are things anyone can understand on their own merits. Not here. Aside from my laziness, the hardest part about finishing this was that most incidents demanded a full explanation.
There was a lot of rewriting, too. Every paragraph eventually turned into a word salad of twists and turns and run-on sentences. The final draft is probably the fourth revision; I’d estimate at least ten- thousand words went in and seventy-four hundred came out. If there is any part of this entire tale that you don’t understand, feel free to ask for elaboration. If there is any part of this entire tale that you don’t believe to be true, just wait until the lawsuit. Finally, and two months behind schedule, I give you a story in three ridiculous parts: Reverend Joshua versus The Crazy.
In The Beginning
Just like the rest of the country, Brooklyn wasn’t the easiest place to find a job in early 2009. Most of what I saw were awful desperation jobs, door-to-door sales trying to trick people into signing up for programs that allegedly “save money” on utilities. It’s easy to spot this bullshit, because major corporations like Comcast pay people decent money to sit inside climate-controlled buildings to call people with legitimate offers of savings and upgrades. And I’m fresh off the boat from Tennessee, I’ll be damned if I’m walking the streets of Brooklyn with no idea where I am or whose door I’m knocking on.
There was, however, a promising ad I kept seeing on Craigslist for a call center in DUMBO: the highest paying call center in America, recession-proof because they take work from other companies when those companies downsize. The ad focused on the Crazyhouse Office’s very laid-back atmosphere with an emphasis on not tolerating racism or homophobia, plus a couple of cats roam freely around Crazyhouse Office and take precedence over employees and any possible allergies. I sent my resume and placed a follow-up call the next day; the person I spoke with said they would send a note to the HR department. I saw the ad again a week later and again I sent my resume and placed a follow-up call the next day; this time I was told that they were not hiring. The following Monday I saw the ad a third time, posted at noon on for an Open House at 3PM the same day because they needed to hire immediately.
I walk into the office and introduce myself to the woman at the front desk. She isn’t an employee, so she directs me to another woman a few feet away. Before I can speak with the actual employee, a man walks up to me and says that he will guess my name. I don’t remember what he guessed - Gary or something, damned if I remember - but he wasn’t even close, so he introduces himself as Michael and begins the interview. He starts by explaining that Crazyhouse Office is a Virtual Office that provides reception, secretarial, and mail drop services to companies that want to reduce expenses or cannot otherwise afford office space and/or employees. It is largely a straight-forward call center, except that you handle multiple clients and are expected to be familiar with varying procedures across all accounts.
Michael further explains that the inability to fully research every prospective client occasionally results in scam artists and other unsavory characters perpetrating frauds of varying sorts. In order to protect employees from enraged victims of dishonest clients, employees are required to use pseudonyms on the phone and the mail drop location is not the same as the call center location. People victimized by the clients will never know the real name or location of the operator or operators they spoke with. However, Michael refuses to allow employees to refer to one another by their real names while on the calling floor, so everyone only knows one another by their pseudonym. And because the mailing address is the suite adjacent to Crazyhouse Office with a sign on the door that says “NO ENTRY - USE OTHER DOOR AT [CRAZYHOUSE OFFICE SUITE NUMBER]” with an arrow pointing to the front door of the office, any enraged victim with murderous intent will be directed to the office where they will ask for a pseudonymous person who is only known to other employees by their pseudonym.
The interview continues as Michael looks at my resume and sees that I have a great deal of experience with phone jockey work. He then tells me that he doesn’t like to hire men because they don’t handle irate calls very well. I note that I’ve held several phone jobs without issue and can handle irate calls very well, which was apparently the magic phrase to overcome his highly-illegal gender-based hiring preferences, because then he asks when I can start.
As Michael introduces me to the rest of the office he asks me what my political views are. I’ve just moved to New York, one of the most socially and fiscally liberal states in America, from Tennessee, one of the most socially and fiscally conservative states in America and it did not occur to me that admitting that I was a liberal who voted for Obama would be a terrible, terrible mistake.
Michael tells me that electing Obama is the worst mistake this country has ever made. Michael says that he is liberal himself, but not a Liberal, but also not a Conservative, because he doesn’t like either Democrats or Republicans, because he “doesn’t buy the bullshit.” It sounded as retarded spoken aloud as it does written out here.
As he took me around the office and introduced me to my new co-workers he expanded on his view of the current political landscape, predicting that Americans would be so sick of Obama’s liberal agenda by 2010 that they would vote Republicans back into a majority in both Houses of Congress but Obama would refuse to seat the new Congress and there would be an all out armed revolution.
We return to the front desk where he introduces me to the woman that doesn’t work there, Liz, who it turns out was hired just before I arrived. She was at the front desk (normally occupied by a secretary) reading Michael’s personal blog about whatever paranoid right-wing conspiracy bullshit Michael was up on at the time. Michael says that Liz is also a libertarian like he is who “doesn’t buy the bullshit” and admits to both of us his concern that Obama is going to come after him personally because Michael was personally involved in the investigation that uncovered that Obama was born in Kenya, not Hawaii, and that the birth certificate issued and certified by the State of Hawaii was not only a fake but that anyone who wants a Hawaiian birth certificate can get one from the Internet. This too sounded as retarded spoken aloud as it does written down.
I didn’t bother to mention the birth announcement from the Honolulu Register published days after Obama’s birth nor the fact that any state that freely issues birth certificates for anyone who wants one would certainly require the intervention of the United States Senate in order to satisfy the Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution seeing as a birth certificate is the most important document a citizen can possess.
Michael continues to harangue us with batshit-insane political rants for about 10 or 15 minutes and I don’t even remember how that ended except that I was suddenly riding the F Train home concerned with the very real possibility that I had accidentally joined a cult – and I start tomorrow.
Training Day
Training initially involves studying the various states and time zones of the United States, which are generally things that should be learned in elementary school and I was pretty sure that this was a waste of time and money until later on when a co-worker thought Mexico was a state. Regardless of the value of this exercise, it would be great if it was at the starting hourly pay rate, but training is paid at a flat-rate of fifty dollars per day. Michael emphasizes that training can take anywhere from three days to two weeks, depending on how quickly you pick up the instructions. I spent seven weeks training to phone jockey for Cingular and that was handling clients for one major corporation; Crazyhouse Office has hundreds of clients and I can be on the phone in three days? I don’t see a problem with this.
After a few hours “studying” the various States and their Time Zones, I am given a quick overview of the calling station software and directed to study some accounts. No real direction and/or objectives are given: just study the accounts and at some point someone with experience will show me how to further use the software and the equipment. They will do this when they have the opportunity to stop taking calls; unfortunately there is very little opportunity for anyone to stop taking calls because the office is critically understaffed. After someone found the time to show me how to use the software and equipment, I was again left alone to “study” accounts. Years of experience with phone-based jobs, coupled with not being retarded, allowed me to pick everything up quickly and I was on the phone full-time after three days.
It takes about 45 seconds of speaking with Michael to learn that he is capable of coherent conversation unrelated to Obama/the Socialists/the Marxists’ secret plan to destroy Capitalism/America/the World for a maximum of about 45 seconds. Fortunately it turns out that when you start on the phones full-time, he doesn’t really bother you. I also learned that no one else in the office, aside from Liz, cares about his nonsense. Everyone just nods and smiles and hopes he goes away; this was quite the relief, but I made the critical error of thinking that he will fade completely into the background.
“Crazy Man Michael”
I was initially assigned to a seat by a window; Michael likes to keep the office relatively cool, so he opens the window for fresh air. The cold weather here lasted fairly well into May, so Michael asked if I was okay with sitting by the open window; I said that I was and that I like a cool environment myself. I made the mistake of continuing with small talk by noting that I had just moved to Brooklyn from Tennessee and, while I do like the cool weather, it was kind of depressing that the weather had been so shitty here in New York at the same time the weather back home was mild and dry. This gives Michael an opportunity to let me know that Global Warming is a hoax and here’s how he knows: Newsweek printed an article in the 1970s about some scientists who were concerned about Global Cooling. He pulled up his blog and, from there, a scan of the article which he insisted that I read.
After I read the article, Michael asked what I thought about it. I pointed out that regardless of whether or not the Earth’s temperature is rising as a result of natural climatological cycles or man-made activities, current Global Warming theories are not invalidated by the existence of previous theories that suggest cooling instead of warming. I didn’t bother to mention that the Global Cooling concerns came from a small group of scientists that had misinterpreted a very small amount of data which had long since been debunked or that what little media exposure Global Cooling received at the time was largely a result of standard media sensationalism. Likely expecting some Al Gore-style facts and analysis response that he could counter with more gibberish, Michael didn’t know how to process a rebuttal that discounted his premise entirely and wandered away silently.
Michael’s concern about the “lies of Global Warming” extended to the business itself, as indicated by a press release Michael put out trumpeting the fact that Crazyhouse Office had turned down a potential client who raised funds and awareness for Global Warming due to Global Warming being a hoax. However, he once spent thirty minutes arguing in favor of Evolution with his assistant, so clearly Science is not Michael’s enemy. Amusingly, Michael wasn’t even able to properly argue on behalf of Evolutionary Theory, but I imagine the intricacies of macro- and microevolution elude anyone who thinks Obama is planning to deputize AmeriCorps volunteers as his own private, domestic army. The kind of hippies that join AmeriCorps wouldn’t touch a gun if you taped a bag of pot and incents to it, but certainly Obama will have them running around enforcing orthodoxy.
Michael’s paranoia regarding the Federal Government has driven him to embracing all of the poorly-thought out Libertarian/Neoconservative viewpoints from Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and the rest of the far-right Tea Bagging fringe that lost their goddamned minds when the Scary Black Man With The Funny Name was elected President. He subscribes to theories alleging that the Federal Government has created internment camps for domestic political dissidents under FEMA, a claim which goes back to the early days of the Clinton Administration. Michael repeatedly charges that President Obama is a socialist trying to destroy capitalism and is at the same time controlled by Wall Street financiers. Michael demanded that anyone who received the Swine Flu vaccine let him know so that he can stay away from them because the government is trying to killing citizens with either the Swine Flu or the vaccine or both. I will give Michael credit for one prediction: he claimed some months ago that Obama would declare the Swine Flu a national emergency. He also predicted that Obama would force everyone to take the vaccination. He was also outraged that the Swine Flu vaccine contained live germs, which is generally how vaccination works.
His social skills are greatly retarded in the clinical sense of the word; he doesn’t seem to have the ability to differentiate between what is and is not appropriate behavior, especially in the workplace. To a large degree his inability to understand appropriate behavior isn’t even regarding what most people would consider morally offensive so much as the wrong time and place. Michael was storming around the calling floor one morning, upset about something Obama did or didn’t do, repeatedly bellowing “this President is dogshit.” Later that same day, Michael reprimanded an employee for saying “fuck” too loudly because “the callers might hear it.” In fact, Michael does most of his interoffice communication by storming around the calling floor, bellowing instructions to people who should be focused on speaking with callers, rather than using email or Instant Messenger.
Michael’s paranoia leads to him running what I assume is an entirely legitimate business like a Mafia front. I uncovered the Global Warming press release as I was doing Google searches to learn more about my employer, who used an entirely different name on the press release as he does for running Crazyhouse Office. Michael would turn up with a third name later in the story. Crazyhouse Office actually operates under two different names with a payroll under an entirely different company registered in the state of Florida and at one time had an office in Nevada that Michael never mentioned.
What Michael knows about the imaginary world doesn’t translate well to Crazyhouse Office; he rarely seemed familiar with much about any of our clients, call volume, or the constant need for new equipment. The best example of Michael’s poor familiarity with what actually goes on with the office is when he hired too many people in response to a temporary spike in call volume. The call volume was for a client that was working on a Federally-mandated deadline, after which they would no longer need Crazyhouse Office’s services. But all Michael knew was that call volume was through the roof, so he frantically hired eight new employees, four of which would start the following week; the remaining four would start two weeks later. There was not enough equipment for the first group to go live when their training was complete, so they received an extra week of “training” while Michael took the opportunity during the downtime to force both classes of new hires to watch online videos explaining President Obama’s Secret Plan to Destroy the World in great detail.
Once the first class took the phones it became apparent that call volume would not require the office to retain half of the new hires, so Michael fired the entire second class. Instead of just admitting that he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, he made a big production of telling the people he terminated that The office was being forced to downsize because of a new tax that President Obama had just signed into law and then went so far as to inform one of the veterans that he was also going to have to fire some of the people who had just started. I assured my coworker that Michael was full of shit; accordingly there was no tax that had been signed into law nor were any of the first class of new hires fired.
Continued in Part Two!
Saturday, January 09, 2010
January a good month for DVD releases
Everyone knows I like movies, right?
After the year 2009 rounded out in such disappointing fashion, January seems to be bringing the goods in the form of horror, comedy, blaxploitation reissues, and one of the unsung classics in kung-fu films.
Jan 12
Big Fan (2009)
Paul Aufiero (Patton Oswalt), a 35-year-old parking attendant who lives at home with his mother, is the self-described world s biggest New York Giants fan. He spends his off hours calling local sports-radio stations where he rants in support of his beloved team. One night, Paul and his best friend Sal (Kevin Corrigan) spot Giants star linebacker Quantrell Bishop and follows his limo to a strip club. Paul decides to approach his hero but things don t go as planned. The chance encounter brings Paul s world crashing down around him as his family, the team, the media and the authorities engage in a tug of war over Paul, testing his allegiances and calling into question everything he believes in. 86m
- This movie, judging from trailers I've seen, looks to be a great acting turn from Oswalt. Basically a more down-to-earth version of "The Fan" (1996), minus every improbable twist from that film, "Big Fan" looks like it shares a lot in common in spirit (if not just in personnel) with "The Wrestler" (indeed, the director of "Big Fan" was the screenwriter for "The Wrestler").
Urban Action Collection (4 films)
Black Belt Jones (1974)
Robert Clouse, director of Enter the Dragon, returned with this blaxploitation actioner starring Jim Kelly as an instructor at a martial-arts school in the Watts section of Los Angeles. Teaming with former Bond girl Gloria Hendry, Kelly saves the school and Hendry's dad (Scatman Crothers) from the Mob. Eric Laneuville, Malik Carter, and Love Boat bartender Ted Lange are also onhand. Kelly was one of the subgenre's most popular heroes at the time, starring in films like Black Terminator and Black Eliminator by the score.
Black Samson (1974)
William Smith and a gang of white drug-dealers try to muscle in on black nightclub owner Rockne Tarkington in this silly blaxploitation film. What they don't know is that Tarkington -- who has a pet lion -- is skilled at martial arts and will not give in without a fight. Abby's Carol Speed co-stars with skinflick vet John Alderman. Director Chuck Bail returned with Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold.
Hot Potato (1976)
Karate expert Jones (Jim Kelly) is sent to Thailand to free a politico's daughter (Judith Brown) from enslavement to an evil war monger (Samuel Hiona).
Three The Hard Way (1974)
The "three" alluded to in the title are played by Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly. Letting their fists do all the talking, the hard-nosed trio takes on a neofascist organization. It is the avowed purpose of this all-white hate group to "cleanse" Los Angeles, Detroit and Washington DC of all blacks. To do this, they plan to poison the drinking water with a secret formula that affects only African Americans.
- Otherwise known to me as "A Fistful of Jim Kelly," I'm looking forward to any improvement this release may have over my "legitimate" copy of "Black Belt Jones" I already have ("legitimate" in this case meaning that it came from an online company who assures its patrons that their films are "new, factory pressed, and shrink-wrapped"). Also, even though I've heard it's actually only a so-so film, I have wanted to see "Three the Hard Way" for a long time.
Jan 19
Nothing comes out this day that I'm extremely eager to purchase, but there are a few honorable mentions to speak of:
Kingdom of the Spiders - Dunno if I'll upgrade my copy of this film to the newer release, but it's tempting. William Shatner as a vet named "Rack," coupled with a downbeat ending, makes this hard to pass up.
Scooby's All-Star Laff-a-Lympics, Vol 1 - I have a soft spot in my heart for this series; in my youth, I used to root for the Really Rottens, against the Scooby Doobies and the Yogi Yahooies. However, since this is one of those stupid four episode, volumized series releases, I think I'll pass.
Jan 26
Bad Biology (2008)
Acclaimed director Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case, Brain Damage, Frankenhooker) is back with a twisted tale of love and weirdness. Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other's existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a truly god-awful love story.... With bizarre special effects by Gabe Bartalos, a hip-hop soundtrack from Prince Paul, and shot in glorious 35mm, Bad Biology is guaranteed to shock even the most desensitized of audiences, and sure to become a modern cult classic. 85m
- Written and produced by RA the fucking Rugged Man - only the greatest rapper of all time - Henenlotter brings the crazy shit that only the likes of him, Cronenberg and Jesus Franco could concoct. Already have this one on pre-order. Here's a bit of a spoiler, just to give you an idea of what to expect ... the "very unusual beings" of the story are a woman with seven clitorises (clitori?) and a guy who's been injecting his wedding tackle with steroids to inadvertently produce a monster with an unfortunate streak of independence. The trailer ... shit, man, track that thing down, but for god's sake NOT AT WORK.
Five Element Ninjas (1982)
When a quintet of nasty ninjas -- hell-bent on world domination -- nearly massacres an entire clan, its lone survivor must take the path of revenge. He meets up with an old master well-versed in the ways of the ninja. Now armed with secret knowledge and newfound friends, he must battle the awesome power of the Five Element Ninjas (gold, wood, fire, water, earth).
- Previously known as "Chinese Super Ninja," this film was one of the earliest kung fu films I'd ever seen. I remember it getting heavy rotation on either Night Flight on USA or USA's Up All Night back in the day. The focus of the ninja teams on various styles of fight based on the elements is very well-handled, and their dissection of the heroic clan's strongest fighters makes for one of kung-fu cinemas most renowned entries. This one's often overlooked in favor of the classics like "Five Deadly Venoms," "36th Chamber of Shaolin," and "King Boxer."
Pontypool (2008)
Shock jock Grant Mazzy has, once again, been kicked off the Big City airwaves. Now, the only job he can get is the early morning show a CLSY Radio in the small town of Pontypool, which broadcasts from the basement of the town's only church.
What begins as another boring day of school bus cancellations, due to yet another massive snow storm, quickly turns deadly. Bizarre reports start piling in of people developing strange speech patterns and evoking horrendous acts of violence. But there's nothing coming in on the news wires. So ... is this really happening?
Before long, Grant and the small staff at CLSY find themselves trapped in the radio station as they discover that this insane behavior taking over the town is being caused by a deadly virus being spread through the English language itself.
Do they stay on the air in hopes of being rescued? Or, are they in fact providing the virus with its ultimate leap over the airwaves and into the world? 96m
- This has been a much beloved horror film since its unveiling in 2008's Fantasia Film Festival. Sharing some of its plot devices with Stephen King's "Cell," it is a truly innovative take on the zombie film ... which is what it is, despite the director's pretentious assertions to the contrary.
Saw VI (2009)
Special Agent Strahm is dead, and Detective Hoffman has emerged as the unchallenged successor to Jigsaw’s legacy. However, when the FBI draws closer to Hoffman, he is forced to set a game into motion, and Jigsaw’s grand scheme is finally understood. 90m
- Okay, y'know, don't look at me like that. I can feel your look. Yes, the Saw series is about as abominable as it gets, movie-wise, horror movie-wise, horror franchise-wise ... I'll give you that. The first one and the second one were easily the highlights of the series. However, take all that stuff that these films are known for, then throw in the contemporary issue and indignant social commentary on the state of our current health care system. And I'm totally not even shitting you.
Honorable mention:
Parker Lewis Can't Lose, The Complete Second Season - The first season was released, and where was I?? I LOVED this show when I was younger, but there's a reason the '90s are over, and unfortunately I'm afraid that his show won't have aged well to meet the expecations of my fond memories for it.
Also in January
Pro Wrestling Guerrilla: PWG Sells Out Vol. 2
A three-disc set from the west coast's premier independent wrestling company! Featuring 23 hot matches, from established big timers (Samoa Joe, CM Punk), beloved indy superstars (Chris Hero, Necro Butcher), and soon-to-be major stars in the making (Bryan Danielson, the Young Bucks). Twenty-three matches is not too shabby, and if this matches the quality of PWG's Volume 1 release, then this is a set you definitely have to get. (Available for pre-order from Highspots.)
Friday, January 08, 2010
Monday, January 04, 2010
The Monday Night Wars 2010
What side you on?
Not since March 26, 2001, have at least two wrestling organizations gone head-to-head with such anticipation as they are tonight.
On one side, you got the WWE nee WWF's flagship Monday Night Raw. Recently, the show has taken to stunt-casting methods of keeping their ratings high. Instead of offering great wrestling & quality athleticism, the McMahon family strategy has been to bring in "guest hosts," serving in a faux booking capacity. These stints have ranged from inspired (Bob Barker, Trish Stratus, Shaq) to feeble (Jeremy Piven, Al Sharpton, those two NASCAR guys).
On the other side, you have TNA Wrestling (I have found that I can't just say "TNA" in mixed company without adding the "Wrestling" qualifier ... for obvious reasons). They've been building their fanbase slowly but steadily over the course of several years. They started with weekly pay-per-view outings, wound up on a cable network (Sports South), lost that, gained Spike TV and cradled themselves in a nice niche on Thursdays. With a combination of young talent (AJ Styles, Samoa Joe) and established superstars (Kurt Angle, Sting), TNA Wrestling has secured a fair share of the wrestling fanbase that is less interested in the "entertainment" side of the sport of wrestling.
Tonight, TNA Impact goes outside of their element to the tune of two: It ventures away from its Thursday comfort zone, and it's a live show (where Impact is usually taped weekly). There's a twist to the tale, this time: Hulk Hogan has thrown his support behind TNA's brand, and for better or worse, it's created some interest. Tonight marks the beginning of this newer era of TNA's inception.
To counter this, Raw has established a solid show. You have two major feuds culminating in-ring tonight, featuring young and established talent alike. Degeneration X (HHH & Shawn Michaels) take on Big Show and Chris Jericho for the Unified tag team titles; previous meetings between the two teams have obvious inspiration from all involved, and it's produced some quality matches. Also, you have Kofi Kingston facing Randy Orton, a feud that saw a remarkable brawl between the two to cap off the WWF's most recent Madison Square Garden show. Oh, and tonight's guest host for Raw is Bret Hart, making his first appearance on Raw in twelve years; in front of a live camera, with all that energy built up from the ol' "Montreal Screwjob," scripted or not, will be interesting to watch.
As if the pot weren't sweet enough, young wrestling fan, you also have tonight's Ring of Honor show, on HDNet, which will be their first show coming off of one of Ring of Honor's more popular outings, "Final Battle 2009."
So, here's your wrestling television schedule for tonight; previews provided by those respective organizations --
Ring of Honor
HDNet, 8:00 - 9:00pm
Here is a preview for the next episode which premieres on Monday, January 4th at 8pm EST:
*Pick 6 Series Match: Davey Richards vs. Roderick Strong
*Eddie Kingston vs. Claudio Castagnoli with Prince Nana
*Rhett Titus vs. El Generico
*"The King of Old School" Steve Corino in action
*Highlights from Final Battle 2009
TNA Wrestling: Impact
Spike TV, 8:00 - 11:00pm
The biggest name in professional wrestling history, Hulk Hogan, will make his first live appearance on Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling’s “TNA iMPACT!” in a live 3-hour special on Spike TV Monday, January 4, 2010 at 8:00PM ET/PT.
Joining Hogan for the three-hour live “iMPACT!” will be TNA World Heavyweight Champion “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles, Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle, Mick Foley, Kevin Nash, “The Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe, “The Boss” Bobby Lashley and “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan.
MATCHES ANNOUNCED FOR MONDAY'S LIVE "iMPACT!" BROADCAST ON SPIKE TV
- For The Knockouts Championship: Tara defends against ODB
- For the Knockouts Tag Team Championship: Sarita and Taylor Wilde defend against Awesome Kong and Hamada
WWE Monday Night Raw
USA, 9:00 - 11:00+pm
On the next edition of Monday Night Raw, Unified Tag Champions DX defend against Jeri-Show, while Kofi Kingston and Randy Orton settle their volatile rivalry at the start of 2010. Plus, the iconic Bret "Hit Man" Hart makes his return to WWE as guest host.
What am I watching? While it'll be hard not to just focus on ROH and WWE tonight since Thursday will have an encore of tonight's Impact, I am probably going to end up flipping back and forth between the two major shows - Impact and Raw. Poor ROH gets lost in the shuffle, but I love the effort, that they've countered the appearances of Hart and Hogan with Steve Corino. That shows moxie.
The matches announced so far are no-brainers: I'd rather watch DX/ Jericho & Show and Orton/Kingston, even though the only athlete in all six of those wrestlers that I even give two shits about is Big Show. The Knockouts, while fun to watch on their own merits, don't compare.
The most interesting part of all is how tonight's being marketed. WWE is all about telling you what to expect, with their matches and with Bret Hart's return; it's all in the presentation. TNA, however, is being very quiet about who or what to expect ... they only just announced their (women's) matches in the middle of last week, there's some rumor of an X Division cage match (which isn't mentioned on their site), and there's all kinds of rumors about who's going to show up, with names from RVD to Scott Hall to former TNA gold standard Monty Brown being mentioned.
No matter what, it'll be a cool night for watching wrestling. I'm washing the dog early and settling in around 7:30pm, with the phone off the hook and the snacks well within arms distance.
200 movies from 2009
There was a lot of crap that came out to theaters this year.
The list focuses mostly on films that made at least some form of a respectable run in American theaters, even if they were on a limited basis. If I heard about it playing in American screens on NPR, saw a trailer for it on that HDNet channel that shows trailers for upcoming films, saw an ad for it on TV, or read about it in one of any number of websites/magazines that I peruse, I included it here. This also includes only films that were released in 2009, not films made in 2009 to be released in 2010 (such as "Extraordinary Measures").
Then I crunched some numbers to have some fun with the stats.
The list:
1. (500) Days of Summer (7/17/09)
2. 12 Rounds (3/27/09)
3. 17 Again (4/17/09)
4. 2012 (11/13/09)
5. 9 (9/9/09)
6. A Serious Man (10/2/09)
7. Accidental Husband (3/27/09)
8. Adventureland (4/3/09)
9. Aliens in the Attic (7/31/09)
10. All About Steve (9/4/09)
11. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (12/25/09)
12. Amelia (10/23/09)
13. Angels & Demons (5/15/09)
14. Antichrist (10/23/09)
15. Anvil! The Story of Anvil (4/10/09)
16. Armored (12/4/09)
17. Astro Boy (10/23/09)
18. Avatar (12/18/09)
19. Away We Go (6/5/09)
20. Baby On Board (6/9/09)
21. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (11/20/09)
22. Bandslam (8/14/09)
23. Bart Got a Room (4/3/09)
24. Battle for Terra (5/1/09)
25. Big Fan (8/28/09)
26. Black Dynamite (10/16/09)
27. Blind Side (11/20/09)
28. Blood: The Last Vampire (7/10/09)
29. Boondock Saints II: All Saints’ Day (10/30/09)
30. Box (11/6/09)
31. Bride Wars (1/9/09)
32. Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (9/25/09)
33. Bright Star (9/16/09)
34. Brooklyn’s Finest (11/27/09)
35. Brothers (12/4/09)
36. Brothers Bloom (5/15/09)
37. Brüno (7/10/09)
38. Capitalism: A Love Story (10/2/09)
39. Cheri (6/26/09)
40. Christmas Carol (11/6/09)
41. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (9/18/09)
42. Coco Before Chanel (9/25/09)
43. Collector (7/31/09)
44. Confessions of a Shopaholic (2/13/09)
45. Coraline (2/6/09)
46. Couples Retreat (10/9/09)
47. Crank: High Voltage (4/17/09)
48. Damage (10/5/09)
49. Dance Flick (5/22/09)
50. Dead Snow (6/19/09)
51. Did You Hear About the Morgans? (12/11/09)
52. District 9 (8/14/09)
53. Drag Me to Hell (5/29/09)
54. Dragonball Evolution (4/10/09)
55. Duplicity (3/20/09)
56. Education of Charlie Banks (3/27/09)
57. Everybody’s Fine (12/4/09)
58. Extract (9/4/09)
59. Fame (9/25/09)
60. Fantastic Mr. Fox (11/25/09)
61. Fast & Furious (4/3/09)
62. Fighting (4/24/09)
63. Final Destination (8/28/09)
64. Fired Up (2/20/09)
65. Food Inc. (6/12/09)
66. Fourth Kind (11/6/09)
67. Friday the 13th (2/13/09)
68. Funny People (7/31/09)
69. Gamer (9/4/09)
70. Gentlemen Broncos (10/30/09)
71. G-Force (7/24/09)
72. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (5/1/09)
73. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (8/7/09)
74. Girlfriend Experience (5/22/09)
75. Gomorra (2/13/09)
76. Good Hair (10/9/09)
77. Halloween II (8/28/09)
78. Hangover (6/5/09)
79. Hannah Montana: The Movie (4/10/09)
80. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (7/15/09)
81. Haunting in Connecticut (3/27/09)
82. He’s Just Not That Into You (2/6/09)
83. Homecoming (7/17/09)
84. Hotel For Dogs (1/16/09)
85. Hurt Locker (6/26/09)
86. I Can Do Bad All By Myself (9/11/09)
87. I Hate Valentine’s Day (7/3/09)
88. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (9/25/09)
89. I Love You Beth Cooper (7/10/09)
90. I Love You, Man (3/20/09)
91. I Sell The Dead (8/14/09)
92. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (7/1/09)
93. Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (12/25/09)
94. Imagine That (6/12/09)
95. Informant (9/18/09)
96. Informers (4/24/09)
97. Inglorious Basterds (8/21/09)
98. Inkheart (1/23/09)
99. Invention of Lying (10/2/09)
100. Invictus (12/11/09)
101. It’s Complicated (12/25/09)
102. Janky Promoters (10/16/09)
103. Jennifer’s Body (9/18/09)
104. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Experience (2/27/09)
105. Julie & Julia (8/7/09)
106. Killshot (1/23/09)
107. Knowing (3/20/09)
108. Land of the Lost (6/5/09)
109. Last House on the Left (3/13/09)
110. Law Abiding Citizen (10/16/09)
111. Limits of Control (5/1/09)
112. Love Happens (9/18/09)
113. Lovely Bones (12/11/09)
114. Madea Goes to Jail (2/20/09)
115. Management (5/15/09)
116. Me and Orson Welles (11/25/09)
117. Men Who Stare at Goats (11/6/09)
118. Michael Jackson: This is It (10/28/09)
119. Miss March (3/13/09)
120. Monsters vs. Aliens (3/27/09)
121. My Bloody Valentine (1/16/09)
122. My Life in Ruins (6/5/09)
123. My Sister’s Keeper (6/26/09)
124. New in Town (1/30/09)
125. New Moon (11/20/09)
126. New York, I Love You (10/16/09)
127. Next Day Air (5/8/09)
128. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (5/22/09)
129. Nine (12/18/09)
130. Ninja Assassin (11/25/09)
131. Not Easily Broken (1/9/09)
132. Notorious (1/16/09)
133. Observe and Report (4/10/09)
134. Obsessed (4/24/09)
135. Old Dogs (11/25/09)
136. Orphan (7/24/09)
137. Outlander (1/23/09)
138. Pandorum (9/25/09)
139. Paranormal Activity (9/25/09)
140. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (1/16/09)
141. Perfect Getaway (8/7/09)
142. Phoebe in Wonderland (3/6/09)
143. Pink Panther 2 (2/6/09)
144. Pirate Radio (11/13/09)
145. Planet 51 (11/20/09)
146. Ponyo (8/14/09)
147. Possession (1/23/09)
148. Post Grad (8/21/09)
149. Powder Blue (5/8/09)
150. Precious (11/6/09)
151. Princess and the Frog (11/27/09)
152. Proposal (6/19/09)
153. Public Enemies (7/1/09)
154. Push (2/6/09)
155. Race to Witch Mountain (3/13/09)
156. Road (11/25/09)
157. Saw VI (10/23/09)
158. Sherlock Holmes (12/25/09)
159. Shorts (8/21/09)
160. Shrink (7/24/09)
161. Slammin’ Salmon
162. Soloist (4/24/09)
163. Sorority Row (9/11/09)
164. Spread (8/14/09)
165. Star Trek (5/8/09)
166. State of Play (4/17/09)
167. Stepfather (10/16/09)
168. Stoning of Soraya M. (6/26/09)
169. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2/27/09)
170. Sunshine Cleaning (3/13/09)
171. Surrogates (9/25/09)
172. Taken (1/30/09)
173. Taking of Pelham 123 (6/12/09)
174. Taking Woodstock (8/28/09)
175. Terminator: Salvation (5/21/09)
176. Tetro (6/12/09)
177. The Goods (8/14/09)
178. The International (2/13/09)
179. Thirst (7/31/09)
180. Time Traveler’s Wife (8/14/09)
181. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (6/24/09)
182. Transylmania (12/4/09)
183. Two Lovers (2/13/09)
184. Tyson (4/24/09)
185. Ugly Truth (7/24/09)
186. Unborn (1/9/09)
187. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (1/23/09)
188. Uninvited (1/30/09)
189. Up (5/29/09)
190. Up in the Air (12/4/09)
191. Vampire’s Assistant (10/23/09)
192. Watchmen (3/6/09)
193. Whatever Works (6/19/09)
194. Where the Wild Things Are (10/16/09)
195. Whip It (10/2/09)
196. Whiteout (9/11/09)
197. World’s Greatest Dad (8/21/09)
198. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (5/1/09)
199. Year One (6/19/09)
200. Zombieland (10/2/09)
Trends:
Total remakes (including “reinvisionings,” “reboots,” and sequels to remakes, as well as TV adaptations): 19
Percent of all films: 9.5%
Horror remakes: 8
Percent of all remakes: 42.11%
Percent of all films: 4%
Comic book films: 2
Novel adaptations: 20 (Inkheart; Killshot; Coraline; He’s Just Not That Into You; Confessions of a Shopaholic; Informers; Angels & Demons; Cheri; Public Enemies; Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince; Julie & Julia; Time Traveler’s Wife; Taking Woodstock; Where the Wild Things Are; The Vampire’s Assistant; A Christmas Carol; Men Who Stare at Goats; New Moon; Fantastic Mr. Fox; The Road; Invictus)
Animation: 16
3D: 8
Films featuring Amelia Earhart: 2 (Amelia; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian)
Films based on toy lines: 2 (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; GI Joe: Rise of Cobra)
Number of films about mall security guards: 2 (Paul Blart: Mall Cop; Observe & Report)
Number of Tyler Perry Madea films: 2 (Madea Goes to Jail; I Can Do Bad All by Myself)
Too Much: Nicholas Cage; Tyler Perry; Megan Fox
Not Enough: Wesley Snipes; Bill Murray; Anna Faris
Sequels Bloody Sequels: 20
Movies in numerical order*:
Year One - Two Lovers - Fourth Kind - District 9 - 12 Rounds - Friday the 13th - 17 Again - Planet 51 - Taking of Pelham 123 - (500) Days of Summer - 2012
*movies with numbers as part of the titles; excludes numbered sequels
[DVD] "Lesbian Vampire Killers"
This movie came out on DVD last week - "Lesbian Vampire Killers" - and I have no interest in it at all. That is, except for the following conundrum that keeps plaguing me ever since I knew of this film's existence (for which I can thank Fangoria Magazine):
Is this a movie about lesbians who kill vampires, or vampire killers who target lesbian vampires? If the vampire killers target lesbian vampires, do they leave "regular" vampires alone, i.e. heterosexual female or male vampires?
VH1's Black to the Future
Because there is no facet of the universe that VH1 won't cover, and employ every D-list (and lower) celebrity in doing so ...
There was an episode of the ol' "Chappelle Show" where Dave Chappelle was showing sketches that didn't make the cut (except by making this show, they did ... that should have been a foreshadowing of things to come), and one of these sketches was Dave's revisionist look at "Def Comedy Jam," except it was supposed to be a "Def Comedy Poetry Jam," (even though there's already been one of those for real). One of the poets is Dave himself, dressed in African gard and standing before some bongos, and he carefully explains that "White people .... *bonka-bonka-bonka* ... do this ... and black people ... *BONK BONK BONK* ... do that ..."
That sketch embodies the entirety of every episode that I watched of "Black to the Future." I watched 1.5 of them before I got sick of things like, "Yeah, when the Million Man March came to town, all the white people was grabbin' they kids, running away screamin' 'They comin', they comin'!'" Or how you don't see no white people drinking forties (bullshit!). Maybe someday we can stop mining the bottom of the racial barrels for laughs ... but not anytime soon, if VH1 can help it.
Next up: VH1's Injunuity - A look back at influential Native Americans in popular culture. Tonto, Tatanka, John Redcorn ... and that's all I got.
The "Fall of the Hulks" is nigh!
When in the hell did "Incredible Hulk" become as complicated as your average "X-Men" spin-off? Now we got red Hulks, green Hulks, cosmic Hulks, blue Hulks, son-of-the-Hulks, and two She-Hulks.
The Alpha and Gamma issues of this storyline were really good to read, though. Let Bendis and Yu ruin the other sections of the Marvel Universe with their shitty art and storytelling, conversely, and gimme a resolution to the saga of the Rulk!
We ain't done yet!
It's 2010. And if I can keep my internet bill paid in full, here's where you'll find me.
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