Billy Mays is a whore!!

This goony goomba is all up on my television, yelling about pretty much everything that could possibly be manufactured, from food prep to shit that cleans shit. And I’m left wondering if there’s nothing this dude won’t sell.

Here’s the shit dude has pimped, just in the past hour (on Spike, during the 6pm CSI ep):

Samurai Shark – I love knife sharpening tools, especially their commercials. Like this one, where the butcher knife is “so dull it won’t cut this sponge.” So, Lil’ Mr. Squarepants, you won’t be Spongebob Shitpants because of this knife … but wait! A few quick whips through the Samurai Shark – whip, whip, whip – and bam! Filet o’ Sponge! Whoo-hoo …. except … when the person cutting the sponge whips the knife through the Samurai, his/her hand goes off-screen for a moment … and there’s not telling how fast that “moment” really is, because there’s a quick splice to the next whip of the knife through the Samurai. That’s pretty suspicious. Almost as suspicious as the scissor sharpening scene, where the person tries to cut through cloth, only nada! But then a few whips through the Samurai – whip, whip, whip – and them shits cut through cloth like a boy from the wrong side of the tracks through a high school sophomore virgin. Whoo-hoo … except … when the person using the scissors cuts the cloth the first time, they use their left hand. Go grab your scissors, right now, and try to cut a piece of tissue paper with your left hand … can’t do it, can ya? Try your right hand now … much better, right? Well, not surprisingly, the person in the commercial had a much easier time when they use their right hand … oh yeah, AFTER sharpening their scissors on the Samurai.

Mighty Putty – Okay, Mighty Putty is this putty that comes in a tube; you cut off a chunk, wad it up, and stick it to whatever you want nailed, drilled or screwed – but you don’t wanna nail, drill, or screw it – you can use this putty. However, I’m a little fuzzy on its claims. See, it says that Silly Mighty Funky Putty can “support up to 350 lbs.” Later in the commercial, it connects these two metal clamps together, and the clamps are connected to two chains. One end of the chain is attached to something off-screen, the other chain is attached to a semi, and now, instead of supporting 350 lbs, it can now “pull over 8000 lbs!” I realize there’s a difference between “support” and “pull,” but … there’s also a sizable difference between 350 and 8000. But wait, bitches! Act now, and you get five more tubes of this shit. Wanna play a funny trick? Put Mighty Putty in the vagina of an ex-girlfriend.

Vidalia Slice Wizard – Accompanied by these gloves that you can wear, rub on potatoes, and the skin comes off. But the Slice Wizard will slice, dice, julienne like no one’s damn business. And apparently, if you make one veggie tray, it’s paid for itself!

Now, the funny thing is, when his commercials come on Galavision during lucha libre, the Spanish interpreter has a much more laid back approach to his vocalizations of Mr. Mays. Which is very soothing, because damn, Billy Mays screams at the camera, because apparently there’s a study from some state college sociology department that shows a distinct correlation between a pitchman’s vocal volume and number of units sold. That’s the only explanation I got.