Science Gone Mad Holiday Gift Guide

(‘cause sometimes, you don’t know what to get them bitches)

Introduction: We’re nearing Christmas, ya’ll. That means, in a few short days, we’ll be upon the busiest shopping day of the year. What, you thought it was that “Black Friday,” day after Thanksgiving bullshit? Hell nah, that’s playground shit compared to Christmas Eve; the number of people who put off getting gifts until the last possible minute is amazing.

Well, thank SGM for your holiday hookup. You know, seriously, we ain’t listing any stupid ass “Christmas sweater” bullshit here, either. What we have painstakingly put together is a list of gifts that are suitable for men, women, children, old, young, black, white or Samoan. Now, granted, it’s pretty damn near the Zero Hour, so realize the price categories below don’t reflect whatever taxes are all up in your area, plus whatever shipping and handling charges may apply – hint: you might wanna consider overnight, at this point, holmes – but hey, we did the leg work for you; all you gotta do is click and order. Or go to Wal-Mart; I hear they have tons of shit for sale these days.

$1-10:
• Boneyard (comic): This series by Richard Moore tells the story of Michael Paris, who inherits a cemetery from his late grandfather’s estate. What he finds is one hot vampire chick, demons and zombies galore, and an enemy far greater than the devil himself – the IRS! Get it for: Adolescents into those little Japanese books, adults who call ‘em “graphic novels” instead of comic books; chicks, who’ll dig the drama (disclaimer: SGM makes no promises that this gift may get you laid).
• Green Lantern Hal Jordan Plastic Bust Bank: Resin bank for storing money, featuring (arguably) perennial favorite GL, Hal Jordan. Get it for: Penny pinching broke asses with a comic book slant; retro-minded family & friends; little kids who still have to take out the garbage for allowance.
• Phase 10 (card game): A card game that caters to 2-6 players; similar to rummy, but can get addictive as hell. Get it for: That young couple that don’t want to have kids but still fuck indiscriminately.
• “Dead Street” by Mickey Spillane: The final piece of literary work by Mickey Spillane before he up and died. Get it for: Your dad
• The Complete Superman Cartoons – Diamond Anniversary Edition (DVD): The original Fleischer cartoons, in that noir-deco style that influenced later cartoons like “Batman: The Animated Series.” Get it for: Children; baby-boomer adults.

$11-20:
• Marvel Zombies Minimates (set of 5): Lil’ toy zombified versions of Captain America, Hulk, Spider-Man, Luke Cage, and Wolverine; from the comic series of the same name. Get it for: Horror movie fans; newer comic book fans; toy collectors.
• God Of War II CD: A collection of the music from the best-selling PS2 video game. Get it for: Hardcore gamers; fans of soundtrack or epic orchestral music.
• Pro Wrestling Guerilla Grab Bag (3 DVDs): Courtesy of Highspots.com, you can now get your choice of 3 PWG dvds for $20. PWG is the premiere left coast indy promotion. Get it for: Discriminating wrestling fans whose tastes can extend beyond WWF and TNA.
• Subscription to “Mass Appeal” magazine: Six issues per year; features include discussions on everything from rap music to video games to graffiti artists; if nothing else, you need it for RA the Rugged Man’s movie column. Get it for: Hip hop heads; your wigger cousin.
• Zoo Tycoon: Complete Collection (PC game): Incl. the original Zoo Tycoon, as well as two expansion packs – Dinosaur Digs & Marine Mania; also throws in exclusive endangered species add-ons. Get it for: Children to teens; casual gamers who may not venture too often into PC gaming territory.

$21-30:
• Lost Cities (board game): Two players explore archaeology’s fabled cities for fame and fortune. Get it for: Board game lovers who are tired of trivia games, kids’ games, and Monopoly; adventure gamers; video game heads that need to get from in front of the TV/ computer for half an hour.
• Transformers Soundwave bust: Tell me that Soundwave wasn’t the shit; go ahead, so I can call you a liar. Get it for: Animation fans; children of the ‘80s, who remember when cartoons were thirty minute toy commercials & weren’t supposed to teach you shit; people who think that “Transformers” movie was the bee’s knees.
• King of the Hill Season 1-6: One season costs about $25; for that, you get some of the most down-to-earth, well-developed storylines, humor, and in some cases better characterization than you get in some live-action shows. Get it for: Fans of more mature themed animation (like “Futurama” or “Family Guy,” not that Japanese tentacle rape shit); fans of “Office Space”
• “Shock! Horror! Astounding Artwork From the Video Nasty Era” by Harvey Fenton: This book has a hardcover like those movie adaptation books I used to order through those school book clubs back in third grade. It’s more of an art book for fans of sleazy horror & exploitation films. Get it for: Those who grew up in the ‘80s, during the videotape era, who probably saw (if not rented) a good number of these classic films; people for whom horror movies begin and end with “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th,” and “Nightmare on Elm Street.”
• “Sailboat in the Afternoon” (art poster): A very tranquil, serene print of an exquisite painting; yeah, I said “exquisite,” what you gonna say about it? Get it for: Vaginas; aficionados of oriental culture, or even just culture in general.

$31-40:
• American Werewolf in London Mini Bust: This resin bust commemorates one of the best werewolf transformations in cinema history, framed by the “pentangle” (sic) in the bar scene. Get it for: Fans of werewolf lore, the supernatural, horror films; collectors of table art, conversation pieces, or comic book/ film memorabilia.
• Sony DRU170C Retail DVD/CD Burner: Inexpensive upgrade to your standard CD or DVD-writable drive; serves both purposes for CD and DVD writing. Get it for: That motherfucker whose birthday’s coming up, and he’s still rocking a 2000 desktop computer (I’ll … I mean, he’ll appreciate it.)
• WWF Royal Rumble DVD box set volumes: Volumes 1 & 2 capture some of the more enjoyable cards from WWF’s history. Relive Austin’s one-man elimination show in 1997, Shawn Michaels’ inspirational crap from 1996, Demolition Smash and Ax starting out as #’s 1 & 2 and beating the shit out of each other for 90 seconds, and Ric Flair’s first WWF title victory. Get it for: Today’s wrestling fan, who’s too smart for his own damn good; people who have forgotten how fun wrestling can be.
• “A Critical History & Filmography of Toho’s Godzilla Series” by David Kalat: Pretty self-explanatory, but this is a McFarland reference book, so you can expect a more detailed exposition of what might first appear to be throwaway films, but have more subtle subtexts than you’d expect. Get it for: Kaiju fans who want a more refreshing look at the genre than the thousandth “Godzilla as representative of the souls lost at Hiroshima” analysis.
• La Parka commercial wrestling mask: A fairly sturdy replica mask of the popular WCW/TNA/AAA star. Get it for: Lucha libre fans; WCW fans that just can’t let it go; that couple that wants to experiment in the bedroom, but doesn’t want to break out handcuffs and Sybians just yet.

$41-50:
• Doo Wop Box (CD box set): Four disc set of classic doo wop & soul music, released from retrokings Rhino Records. Get it for: People who listen to rap music and seek out the samples to hear the full songs; people who fuck while listening to old school R&B; your grandparent of choice.
• Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker: Makes ice cream; ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Get it for: That relative that hosts the summer BBQ.
• Fat Albert Animation Cel: Several scenes available, incl. a very sharp cel featuring the Brown Hornet. Get it for: Those who remember when Saturday was good for cartoons, instead of this “Dora the Explorer,” “My Gym Partner’s a Monkey” shit; Will
• Kagan McLeod – 8 Immortals Character Sketches: Features the character sketches that McLeod did for his book “Infinite Kung Fu,” a collection of which will be out from Top Shelf Comix in 2008. Get it for: Fans of pop art, as well as original comic book sketches and art; art lovers who appreciate the almost expressionistic style of kinetic art that some comic artists can pull off.
• UFC fighting gloves: Segmented palm/ open finger gloves, which make for better grappling with increased digit joint protection and flexibility. Get it for: UFC, MMA, Pride, K-1, or boxing fans: people who think they’re a lot more badass than they really are.

$$$ ain’t no object (up to $200):
• The Avengers – The Emma Peel Megaset (DVD): Diana Rigg was hot shit in her leather get-ups; I’m not one for British spy drama, but damn, this stuff represents the best of early popular spy fiction. Get it for: James Bond fans; those who don’t get some of the jokes in “Austin Powers” movies; fans of contemporary spy shows.
• 9 Ring Wu Tang Combat Steel Sabre: A cut of Shaolin weaponry, a nonbendable Wu Tang saber with nine metal rings embedded into the blade’s blunt edge. Get it for: People with an extensive kung fu film collection.
• Hawthorne Scary Movie Halloween Villages: Miniature replicas of the Crystal Lake Cabin from “Friday the 13th,” 842 Elm Street from “Nightmare on Elm Street,” and the Hewitt House from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Get it for: Your horror film lovers who are sick of the same old poster/ dvd/ online gift card purchases, but you can’t afford authentic or replica movie props.
• Brunswick Globe Bowling Ball: A Brunswick professional bowling ball, with a scale representation of the Earth’s surface on it. Get it for: The relative with a God complex or who’s too narcissistic for their own good; alternately, the relative with a Napoleon complex (you win, either way).
• Trumpet: A traditional b-flat brass trumpet. Get it for: A jazz lover; that person who wants to pick up a new hobby or skill; the spouse/ significant other that can’t eat pussy for shit (this’ll learn ‘im).
• NBA Customized Replica Jersey: Know their favorite team, and get them their name and day of birth on a home jersey, or get them a jersey of support for their favorite non-all-star player (Pistons, #22 Tayshaun Prince, for example). Get it for: Well, a basketball fan; a baller who thinks his game’s all that.

What, are you rich?
• Dissecting microscope: NOT the microscope that requires slides (that’s a compound microscope); this is the one that requires a decent light source, and magnifies items for fine detail, not cellular aspect ratios. Get it for: Nerds; college students; fans of CSI-type shows.
• Ableton Live 7: This DJ/ audio editing equipment beats the hell out of that free Audacity stuff, I'm sure. Get this for: Producer wannabes; producer gonna-bes.

---

Alright, we hooked you up. When your family & loved ones are thanking you for being so thoughtful, you know how SGM does it. Feliz navidad, yo.