Toby Keith - "High Maintenance Woman"

I have heard the musical equivalent of the Apokalypse.

I've never been one to stomach recent country music ... hell, up until recently, I couldn't stomach ANY country music, but the older stuff kinda grew on me. But Toby Keith is one that, for some reason I can't explain, I would love to see ass-raped with a Cactus Jack-style barbed wire 2x4. Which is weird, because it takes a lot of energy to want to see someone ass-raped with a rusty razor-wire wrestling implement; that goes WAY beyond the general apathy that I reserve for all the rest of post-Garth country musicians. I think it might have started with the video starring him and Willie Nelson as police officers on a manhunt for a child rapist ... but to back that up would involve doing a Google search, and I'm just too tired this evening.

But Keith was on the Colbert Report last night/ this evening (I just caught the repeat), and granted, this might have been a repeat of a much older show with the WGA strike, but hey, any old book that you haven't read is a new book to you. And Colbert was just kissing his ass, and other than ol' Tobe dodging the question over whether or not he'd kick the fat Dixie Chick outta bed if she went all unpatriotic, the interview was very soft. And then, Toby Keith sang his song, "High Maintenance Woman." The setup was, to paraphrase, "It's a song about a high class woman and a maintenance man who's in love with her, and how she won't have anything to do with him."

Okay, here's the lyrics, and I'm not even fucking joking:

I see her layin' by the poolside every day
She ain't got a lot on
She ain't got a lot to say

She wouldn't look my way
But buddy, what do you expect
I'm just the fix-it-up boy at the apartment complex

And she'll go out dancin' 'bout seven-fifteen
Climb into the back of a long limosine
I know where she's goin'
She's goin' downtown
I'm goin' downtown too, and take a look around

She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't hooked it up yet
But I'm tyin' hard as I can
It's just a high maintenance woman
Don't want no maintenance man

I'm just sittin' 'round waitin' on a telephone call
After water pipe exploded in the living room wall
If your washer and dryer need a repair
You know the hadyman's waitin'
And he'll be right there

Twenty-four hours
Seven days a week
If it's gettin' clogged up ot maby startin' to leak
Just ring up my number, baby, give me a try
You know I got all the tools
And I can satisfy

She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't asked her out yet
'Cause I don't know if I can
You see a high maitenance woman
Don't want no maintenance man

She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't hooked it up yet
But I'm tryin' hard as I can
It's just a high maintenance woman
Don't want no maintenance mad
Ain't no maintenance woman
Gonna fall for a maintenance man

Honest to God, have we hit the all time low for creative output? Is this the best that can be done? I have read about this theory that creativity is really a function of an ether of ideas, that the truly inspired are able to reach into this ether and cultivate an idea into a product, be it a book, a machine, a film, a therapeutic approach, whatever. So, how shallow has this pool become that "High Maintenance Man" was floating on the surface, just waiting for Toby Keith to come along with his skimming net?

I rank this up there with "My Baby Daddy" as something that masquerades as "music," but is really a thinly-veiled earhole rapist.

(I don't know what the hell is up with my "rape" references today, ya'll.)

On the subject of earhole debauchery, click here and I'll give you $50 if you can make it 15 seconds past the part where Fergie fucks up the entry to this Bond song. I swear, when I hear it, I hear, "Live live and live and let and let die let let die;" it's like three different versions of the song playing at once. And good lord, don't watch the video, her gyrations are being investigated by FEMA for being a possible source for cancer of the tuberculosis of the AIDS of the eyeballs. (Thanks, Patton Oswalt.)