"Milk is chillin', Giz is chillin', what more can I say? ..."

Just got around to spinning the CDs my girl snagged for me to celebrate the 3-0. Rap music helped keep me relatively docile in the home I grew up in, at a time when heavy metal was the rebellious music du jour; trust me, you want to be rebellious, be a lower-middle class white kid in the South listening to Public Enemy, spitting lyrics like, "Get the green, black and red and/ Gold down, countdown to armageddon." Nowadays, kids spit 50 Cent lyrics in order to pretend to be down, while I worked around inmates busting freestyles in solitary that would eat 50 Cent up and spit out nickels.

Anyway, here's a short list of a song off each CD I scored for my birthday; these tracks hit me at just the right time that I believe they deserve some spot on the mixtape that is my life.

1) "I Don't Care" by Audio 2 (CD: What More Can I Say?)
Ah, 1988; sixth grade was awesome. I tried to round up a couple of guys - David Williams & Joe Brown - and we formed a rap duo called the Bad Boys. We actually recorded a tape of six songs, primarily composed of rap lyrics in the style influenced by the artists of that time (but somehow lacking the influence of, say, a Rakim). We actually made a rap song about a device called "Mr. Audio," a stoplight that emitted a siren whenever the lunchroom volume got too loud.

There was a talent show that year, and this was one of the tracks that we were going to cover, along with "You Gots to Chill" and something by the Fat Boys, I think. Joe was going to breakdance, while David provided the beatbox & I spit lyrical. Never happened though, as we decided that the old gym floor was popularity enough for us. The Bad Boy legend reigns eternal, untouched by mainstream hype, even at NGS, whisker biscuit.

2) "Hit And Run" by Tha Alkaholiks (CD: Coast II Coast)
This album's a far cry from "The XO Experience," that's for sure. But for straight old school, mid-1990's style, not a bad contribution. Tash is always pretty solid, and it features a nice opening segment by X to the Z, before the plague of superstar guestshots and main event producers made him forget all about his Likwit Crew bretheren.

Yeah, I said "old school," instead of the more media-approved "throwback." I was listening to the local black R&B/rap station that played "another throwback rap classic,." which ended up being "Party Up" by DMX, which is neither "throwback," nor "classic," and barely meets the accepted definition of "rap." The revolution against "throwback" begins here.

3) "Cold As Ice" by M.O.P. (CD: Warriorz)
I got people I work with that, when I reveal my love for the rap music, always ask me if that means I like Eminem, or Kanye West, or Lil Jon. I'd love to have this track playing in a manner like the ever-present theme music that follows Slade around in "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka," although I'd probably opt for a Bumpy Knuckles track, 'cause that motherfucker's an-gry.

Violent as shit lyrics, over a Foreigner hook; the slick, streetwise 22 yr old mother of two that drop secretarial science at the front desk of the clinic is always asking for a sample of what I think is good rap music. This is going on there, right damn now, 'cause even ballistics won't be able to tell how the .44 ragged 'em.

4) "Kookies" by MF Doom (CD: "Mm ... Food")
I haven't heard much by this guy, except in his younger days when he was Zeb Love X from KMD (you know, the other guy in 3rd Bass' "Gas Face"). But, from what I've heard, if anyone can out-Kool Keith Kool Keith, it's Doom.

I mean, if you can tell me another rapper out there who can weave the closing credit music of Sesame Street, laced with classic Marvel Fantastic Four cartoon samples, under lyrics about getting caught looking at internet porn, all in the context of types of cookies, brownies, crackers and other such desserts, then goddamn, sign them to a record deal quick.

5) "Reign Of The Tec" by the Beatnuts (CD: "Intoxicated Demons - The EP")
From 1993, the beginning of a period when I was heading off to college and turned my back on hip hop because I though alternashit music was the way to the labian fields. Man, shit, if I knew then what I know now, I'd have invested in an urban clothing store on the corner of the street off campus. And I would have catered to all the young sorority white princesses that are desperately looking for something fresh and new to embrace, and that something would have been me, with my ear for hot lyrical joints & solid beats that make the hootchies holla.

But no, it was one long dry season with me and that first Pearl Jam album. Fucking Eddie Vedder with his freaky Joker faces, didn't get me no play at all. Not like the 'Nuts would have.

6) "Break U Off" by Kool Keith (CD: "Deisel Truckers")
Ah, speaking of Kool Keith. This is why there is only one teacher and many disciples.

Where MF Doom stalks vajayjay online, Kool Keith makes the ladies swoon about stalking him and making him their one and only. This doesn't indicate the Kool Keith that once showed up 2 hours late for a concert, then refused to go on, but while the promoter was announcing the cancellation of the show (to a near-riotous crowd), Keith hires a portly Latina to go onstage and beat the shit out of said promoter, and then rocked the mic to a white hot crowd. I don't know if this is true, but it should be, because Keith Turbo is the man. Even if the Undertakerz album was balls.

7) "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan (CD: "Wu Tang Forever")
This is the new "Mystery of Chess Boxin'" for me; each Wu member gets a bar and spits the eternal wisdom of Shaolin by way of NYC.

If I wasn't such a pussy-whipped shadow of my former self, I'd call the 900 number listed in the album insert that is under Ol' Dirty Bastard. But 1) it's probably converted to an overseas porn line, and 2) I already made a goal to keep my paper tight, and calling fucking porn hotlines to fucking 3rd world Jamaica ain't a good start. So the true story of the Wu may never be known.

Or will it?