SGM Four by Four

Top 4 wrestling match stipulations that I love:
1) Falls Count Anywhere: I always liked the way that most of these matches will go all over an arena, into a parking lot, into the locker room, into the bathroom, and will almost always somehow end up back in the ring. I've seen one match end in a pinfall outside the ring - Sting vs. Cactus Jack, I think - but for the most part, center ring. 2) Steel Cage: Fuck pussified leave-the-cage-to-win rules; pinfall or submission, motherfucker. 3) Ladder Match: You really have to have some wrestles who are serious about taking mad punishment to enjoy a match like this. There's a match between Van Dam & Christian that was televised on Raw that had me in stitches, because Van Dam does everything he can to leave himself wide open to accidental ladder bumps that probably had him shitting teeth for a week. But he got paid, and he has a DVD coming out and I don't, so who's the teeth-shitter now?? 4) Russian Chain/ Dog Collar: Kinda-sorta the same thing; lacks the additional flavor of a bullrope/leather strap match, where you have to drag your opponent to every corner of the ring, and the villains always seem to win by poor planning by the hero, and damn it all if we don't have some rich pretty boy carrying the belt and representing us poor folks that he talks shit about.
Top 4 magazines I like to read on the shitter:
1) Retro Gamer: I got issue 10, and I'm reading the complete history of Infocom, who perfected the genre of interactive fiction, and they released games that had personality and heart and you didn't feel like a big stupid fuckface for wasting a half a day playing them, not like now, where you can feel like a big stupid fuckface for jacking pretend cars and being a pretend thug and not getting the laundry done, you three-day-old-sock wearing bastards. 2) Scratch: If the world was rap music, I'd more than likely be the guy who works the crowd on the other end of the stage from where Jay-Z or 50 Cent or Flavor Of Da Month is, and I'd probably get his throwaways, but I'd dream of being the DJ, in a class by himself, able to pick his poison of any young hoochie who steps his way, with a twist in her hips and probably pierced belly button and a sun tattoo on her back. 3) ReadyMade: If I had a house with a big backyard, I would be at Lowes, getting lumber, plexiglass, and tons of screws to put up a modular dwelling to hang out in when the wife starts looking for someone to cut radishes or whatever it is that women make men do. Plans cost $35, but hanging out in it costs much more, pal. 4) Sketch: This mag : comics :: those little backstage fuckups : wrestling, and I enjoy both equally well.
Top 4 things that I hope will happen in 2005:
1) I make more money: At this very writing, I'm sitting here looking at a cell phone provided to me by the state of South Carolina for the express purpose of providing after-hours contact with a therapist to six clients in a DBT program. This means I'm to be accessible 24-7, to these six people. And the talks are that the group needs to be expanding soon. If that doesn't scream, "Push more funds my way," then the fact that I do as much in the way of responsibilities as my supervisor (except, you know, supervision), and that I'm now the senior clinician, and that I'm a clutch player, and that I'm remaining consistent on my productivity, then maybe it'll take getting my Ph.D and threatening to take my skills elsewhere for them to see I'm worth at least 10% more a year than I am right now. 2) I don't get killed: I currently have three folks on my caseload that have been in prison before, and are court-ordered to treatment. One is a convicted murderer; the other, wide as a door and attempted to stab a secretary; the third, a guy who's dad let him buy an AK-47 (to which I responded, "That's the stupidest thing anyone's ever told me," to which he responded, "What was I supposed to do? He asked me for it!" To which I said, "I'm sorry ... that was the second stupidest thing anyone's ever told me"). Well, those non-compliant bastards are all going to be getting root-to-show-cause summons in the mail next week, so all three will probably show up on the same day, and it'll be a race to see who splits my wig first. 3) I get Libby's website up and running: So that girl can put her purse-making skills to good use. 4) "Night of the Creeps" comes to DVD: Eh, why not?
Top 4 books I have yet to read, even though I've had them > a year:
1) "Tishomingo Blues" by Elmore Leonard; 2) "If Chins Could Kill" by Bruce Campbell (autobiography); 3) "Live From New York" by Shales & Miller (oral history of Saturday Night Live); 4) "Hero With A Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell
Top 4 Golden Age horror mad scientists:
1) Dr. Pretorious (Ernest Thesiger, "Bride of Frankenstein"); 2) Dr. Neimann (Boris Karloff, "House of Frankenstein"); 3) Dr. Gogol (Peter Lorre, "Mad Lover"); 4) Dr. Vollin (Bela Lugosi, "The Raven")