Rules of Engagement

NP: Three Days Grace -- I Hate Everything About You

When a relationship ends, to continue the battlefield metaphor from below, there are awkward moments that take place between the opposing armies. These may be brief phone calls, they may be extended visits necessitated by work, school, or another activity. For some people, no matter how clean the break was, they are very difficult to deal with.

I am one of those people.

Those moments of co-existence can run the gamut of emotions. From hate to love, from scorn to longing. There is never a set pattern for these things. Just like two enemy armies, though, there are rules of engagement that I try to follow in these.

1) Do not be negative. I'm generally a very negative person. Although I have changed that in the last year or more, I still have tendencies to see the bad. For me, it is of the utmost importance that I maintain a positive face and not flinch.

2) Be agreeable. The relationship is over. If it is going to restart, it will restart on its own. There is no need to make it clear that the relationship is over. Two rational, sane adults should know it is over. If the person is crazy, chances are you wouldn't be meeting with them in the situation.

3) Do not be spiteful. Yes, the previous period has been painful, even if the pain lasted for about an hour (as in this case), but there is no need to take it out on the other person. Just go in, do what you have to do, and don't dredge up the past.

4) Maintain clear boundaries. This reason is why I will never date anyone I work with or am in the same program with ever again. I made the mistake once and I will never break it again. For the healing process, you need a period of isolation. As the battlefield post says, you will be constantly reminded of the relationship when it ends...so you need a safe place to stay until things calm down.

Well, as you can probably guess, I had my first interaction with C just a bit ago. It was the "prisoner of war" exchange. It was in the parking lot at church. She had wanted us to go together, I agreed and then chnged my mind. I went to early service, she went to late, and we met in the middle to exchange items.

In the course of a five minute exchange, she violated every one of my four rules of engagement. She reiterated that she holds me in a low opinion, she informed me that she "made the right decision," she also informed me that she had been hanging out with people in my program and they, to a man, had told her that they couldn't believe that she would ever date me.

You see, I ticked her off when I refused to go to church with her. She wanted to set the limits and define the relationship. I refused to let her. I needed my isolated time. To her, the fact that I was "rejecting" her threw her peace out of balance. She, I guess, had hoped that I would be over here all miserable and, when she found out that I was ok (because I followed the rules of engagement), she couldn't take it. So out she lashed.

I've been lashing out about her too. I've lashed out here (albeit in very general terms), and I've discussed the situation with about 5-7 of my closest friends. None of them know her. For her to try to "take the fight to me" and start dealing with my friends shows how shallow she is. Of course, I did not tell her a word that my friends said about her. I left in peace....she went into church in an indeterminate state.

This is once in my life that I can stand up in front of God, the World, and the Internet and say that I did the right thing. That I was the better person. Moral of the story: Always follow the rules of engagement.