Kid Kash Appreciation Haiku Review
Mikey Whipreck & Tajiri vs. The FBI vs. Super Crazy & Kid Kash (ECW Guilty As Charged)
Kid Kash rolls up his
middle finger like a window;
third grade jokes kick ass.
Kid Kash vs. Paul London (TNA)
London, pre-Honor,
meets Kash, post-Tri Cities, in
a nice mat classic.
Kid Kash vs. Josh Cody (NSW First Anniversary Show)
Kash flies around the
ring, matching hold for hold with
Cody, at age twelve.
Kid Kash vs. Amazing Red (TNA)
Red would be more like
a wrestler I'd enjoy, if
he'd trim that red 'fro.
Kid Kash, Frankie Kazarian & Michael Shane vs. Hector Garza, Sonjay Dutt & Sonny Siaki (TNA Turning Point)
Kash holds his own here;
at least Siaki killed no
one ... not yet, at least.
Once again, VH1 manages to make a mockery of music that I love.
"The Hip Hop Award Show" is nowhere near what a true show that exhaults the love for rap music should be. Praising the old school is one thing, but one of the other sides of the coin is to present the talented up-and-comers that toil in the underground. Shit, last year they had Kid Rock, who's about as street as Kid Kash.
I thought VH1's hatred for black people was only reserved for episodes of "Dude, Where's My Ghetto Pass?" where they discuss who's got more street cred: The Michelin Man, the Pillsbury Doughboy, or the Hamburger Helper glove. I was wrong. And the best part is the actors and comedians who look like they'd rather be fucking people of the same sex and different races than be on this show.
As much as I love nekkid chicks, why can I not get into "Girls Gone Wild?"
I mean, I've seen porn, okay? I've seen strippers. I've even got a couple of DVDs with strippers on 'em ... "Hip Hop Honeys" and "Playboy Playmate of the Year 2004: Carmella DeCesare" (the runner-up in 2004's Diva Search ... why not?).
But I have no interest in checking out drunk college bitches showing titty and bush and crack, and acting all stupid as fuck. Maybe I'm just a player-hater who wishes I had thought of putting drunk college bitches showing titty and bush and crack on DVD first and selling it for $20, exploiting women with burgeoning drinking problems.
When the hell is Infinite Crisis supposed to come out? It has felt like it's supposed to be "coming next month" for the past six. And I've been reading through the "Omac" stuff, the "Thanagar/Rann" stuff, and I've been getting "Villains United," the magic miniseries, and some of the post-"Identity Crisis" tie-ins, and I'm only a fingertip closer to grasping exactly what in the fuck "Infinite Crisis" is going to be about.
Do people still ride Kevin Smith's dick? I wonder this because I heard or read or dreamed somewhere that there was a "Clerks" sequel coming out, which seems redundant because hasn't EVERY Smith film been a "Clerks" sequel?
Anyway, used to love Smith. "Clerks" was a favorite, solely because it was a fresh film about ... nothing. Keep in mind, Seinfeld was making a comic career out of this and starting to migrate his schtick to TV. So "nothing" was in. But it still holds up as a pretty funny film.
Then "Mallrats" came out, and I realized that Kevie can't plot for shit. Mostly just dick and fart jokes.
But, "Chasing Amy" was a great film. I almost get the sense that I'm watching a film by a different director entirely ... until of course that no-talent shithead Jason Mewes comes on the screen. The only sad thing about this is that the film is so much a love letter to Joey Lauren Adams, who apparently was told "yelling = emoting" in acting school, that it kinda gets sad. I can think of many a better woman to film praises to, and none of 'em have the voice of a smoked-out Muppet. The commentary on the DVD ... some sad shit, there. I wonder if Smith's wife ever turns her back on him for a second, for fear that he'll run to the nearest pay phone to call ol' JLA and talk about old times. "Remember that movie where you played the lesbian?" "Yes Kevin." "You know, I wrote that for you." "I know, Kevin." And so forth ...
"Dogma" was garbage. I firmly believe to this day that Smith made up the whole "Catholics have made death threats against me." Mainly, because if he did, it would draw attention to his film and make people think it's supposed to be controversial, when the only controversial thing in it is the shitdemon, and the only thing that made me (a non-Catholic ... but an Episcopal, so close) want to kill was that I wasted a perfectly good day watching that shit. Alan Rickman at his lowest point; hell, dying in "Die Hard" beat that. God is Alanis Morrisette? Sorry, suspension of disbelief quit about an hour prior to that.
And then there was "Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back." You'd have to get a Craftmatic adjustable bed and get the "V" going to give yourself the kind of self-gratifying blowjob that Smith was giving himself with this film. "Hey, fans, spend 8 bucks to see all the friends I know, and hear my characters talk about the comics & movies I love, so I can present a story about characters that I'll vow to put down after this film, only to make myself a liar about two months later."
Kevin Smith, this middle finger's for you, you pudgy no-talent, slack-ass hack bastard. Eat a dick, straight up.
Stables in wrestling are an important part of driving storylines. With an appalling lack of credible stables in wrestling right now, it's no wonder why feds like WWF are being criticized for their lackluster plotting and angle development. Stables don't appear to be an easy thing to develop. They have a particular symmetry and structure that, for some reason or another, seems difficult for the majors to grasp.
Of course, one of the earliest and best stables, the Four Horsemen, is the be all, end all of stables against which all others are measured. The last "great" stable (so the WWF would have you believe) was Evolution. HHH, Flair, Batista, and Orton ... they weren't no Horsemen. They were barely the Dungeon of Doom.
Looking at stables across the board, there are some common themes that build the prototypical stable:
1) You have to have a figurehead, a World champion contender (if not the champion himself). The Hart Foundation had Bret Hart, the Horsemen had Flair, the NWO had several (Hogan & Nash, for starters).
2) A tag team pairing. One of the best was Anderson and Blanchard, who wear among the few tag teams that held the two major tag belts in America. Team Canada in TNA has this down pat, as any pairing can pose a credible threat to any other teams.
3) A midcarder that can make a credible run for the secondary belt. If not this, then a member than can take the losses and majority of first pinfalls in multi-man tag matches. Ace Steel, a winner is (not) you.
4) A manager/valet wouldn't hurt. It doesn't necessarily have to be a manager who wrestles, but that will sometimes be the case anyway (JJ Dillon, Bobby Heenan).
5) A nice manageable, round number. Four Horsemen ... Triple Threat ... the Triad. Nice round numbers; this is why the Dungeon of Doom sucked ... this is why NWO started to suck. In stables, expansion isn't always the best strategy. However, rotating memberships, that doesn't hurt. Trading Lex Luger for Barry Windham ... aces.
Bobby Heenan's family was an exception to some of the rules up there, but damn, the Heenan family rested almost squarely on the strength of Heenan alone. Heenan ruled, it didn't matter if you had Haku, Andre, Luger, Hennig, Flair, Terry Taylor or the fucking Repo Man. Heenan could do no wrong, and his mere presence could make you think that Iron Mike Sharpe had a chance in hell of winning gold.
Ring of Honor seems to have the stable thing down pretty well, as they have given us the Embassy, the Prophecy, the Second City Saints, Generation Next, the Rottweilers, Special K, and the Carnage Crew. Of course, I have no idea if these groups are still around, as I'm focusing solely on the 2004 era of ROH. Forgive my outdated ignorance, should this be the case.
That's what TNA should do in their national debut, to set themselves apart from the pack. Get a stable of some of their competitors and put 'em on a collision course with the upper card. Just off the top of my head:
- Jarrett & AMW seem to be making a sturdy group.
- Raven & the incoming Dudley Boys would make a nice counter-group.
- Team Canada would work, but Bobby Roode needs to make that move toward the World title to make 'em credible.
- 3LK needs to get disbanded right away ... Put Road Dogg back with Billy Gunn. Deport Konnan. And tag up Killings & Skipper.
- Call Lo Ki, reform Triple X with Daniels, add Alex Shelley & maybe Homicide ... Or an incoming Charlie Haas.
And in a parting thought: Were the Midnight Express a stable, in addition to a tag team? Reason I ask is because wouldn't Big Bubba have counted as member #4?
... 2 Cold Scorpio: "I saw Scorpio job to Val Venis in the latter's RAW debut in Nashville. While making a name for himself as a high-flyer, his wrestling ability was overshadowed by his greatest gimmick: Flash Funk. The "sanitized pimp" character further stereotyped African-Americans as sexually promiscuous and helped Vince McMahon portray him as an outsider to the dominant culture."
... Bad News Brown: "One of the greatest moments of Wrestlemania history was when Roddy Piper came to the ring painted half-black. Brown was either genuinely surprised at this or really sold some racial venom well. There was nothing in the feud that called for this, so I have always hoped that Piper did it as a public statement against some kind of race card that Brown played in the locker room."
... Booker T: "This man has single-handedly done more to elevate black wrestlers to the mainstream than any other person except for maybe the Rock. Of course, his history of robbing some Wendy's Restaurants while growing up in Houston also delegitimized any of his accomplishments, especially when the WWF...er...WWE played them up as part of his character a few years ago. His street cred as a convict helped build further racial stereotypes and gave segments of the audience the chance to say "See! All African-Americans really are criminals." In some ways, its hard to fault McMahon, since the events were public record thanks to the Smoking Gun and any attempt to cover them up would have looked bad. Of course, playing it up as part of his face character shows that Vince will do anything he can to make a buck.
"Hands down his worse gimmick was GI Bro. His pairing with Golddust was pure brilliance."
... D'Von Dudley: "The ECW version of the Dudley's were outstanding. The whole Dudleyville concept, and Sign Guy Dudley in particular, were hilarious and provided some good comic relief in Philly. Their use in the WWF, however, have not been so fulfilling. Instead of playing up the racial equality implications, the WWF has completely downplayed it. While still referring to D'Von and Buh-Buh Ray as brothers, the announcers simply do not explain it.
"D'Von's stint as a preacher is only the second time that the WWF has tried to bring in a character that is symbolic of the hold of the black church on African Americans (the first, of course, was Reverend Slick), but his heelish role made this gimmick almost unwatchable.
"The Dudleys will go down in history with some of the best harcore matches of all time, especially the TLC series against the Hardy's and Edge and Christian."
... Elix Skipper: "His head is enormous! Blame Canada."
... Ernest Miller: "My life would have been complete if, in one of his tag matches with Glacier in WCW, he had punched the canvas and everyone in the ring fell down....although I thought he was a bit too small to play the Jax character from MK all that well."
... Godfather: "One of the catchiest opening lines in the soundbite era of the WWF. The Hoe Train gimmick was outstanding...much more fulfilling than Flash Funk's Funkettes. One of the greatest Raw moments has to be when Lord Steven Regal chose the hoes of wrestling the match. He was wasted as the Goodfather, and his team-up with Venis really should have been called Supply and Demand."
... JYD: "Typical in his portrayal in the WWF. The man came to the ring in chains! Let's not play the slave card there at all.
"Grab them Cakes was the best song on the Wrestling Album...and JYD's appearance on American Bandstand was....not the best ever, but maybe the best ever for a wrestler."
... Kamala: "He freaked me out as a kid."
... Koko B. Ware: "The Birdman will stay in my memory forever for the time on Saturday Superstars that his bird took a crap in the ring. To a 10-year old who thought it was not pre-determined....that was hilarious."
... Mark Henry: "So the only time a black man can date a white woman is when she is 80-some years old? The giving birth to a hand deal was absolutely uncalled for. At least she didn't give birth to a buggy full of Sean Stasiak posters like Stacy Kiebler did."
... New Jack: "Arguably my favorite black wrestler. The stuff he did in ECW was outstanding. I was watching the ECW House Show in Asheville when a slow match started with some new group called the Baldies. So I made my way to the concession stand. As I am getting my change I hear the gunshot from Natural Born Killers go off. By the time I got to my seats (down a flight of stairs) New Jack already had the stapler out on PN News.
"The entrance in the middle of the match made New Jack's character. Its unpredictability kept you watching ECW, and the variety of weapons provided a weird mix of comedy and agony. My personal favorite was the plastic lawnmower, or the tray from Ryan's Steakhouse. The time he came to the ring with a "NOT GUILTY!" sign on his shopping cart is one of my top ten favorite moments in wrestling....right above the time when Juventud Guerrera tripped over the ring steps."
Dug Turner Classic Movies' Robert Wise spotlight programming today.
Particularly, they showed a classic film, the adaptation of Stevenson's "Body Snatcher," starring Karloff & Lugosi in their final on-screen pairing. A classic, creepy film, the likes of which they just don't make anymore.
There were exactly 7 pairings for these classic film ghouls: "Son of Frankenstein," "Invisible Ray," "Black Cat," "The Raven," "Black Friday," "Body Snatcher," and some god-awful film that pairs Karloff, Lugosi, and Lorre and some band leader who I've never heard of.
If I could convince my wife to make it, I'd have a football or hockey jersey with "Devil Bats" on the front, "Lugosi" on the back, and the number 41.
Grading exams today. The short answer questions ... sweet damn.
The question: "You live in ancient Greece and you have just died. According to your myths and traditions, trace your steps from the point of death to your final resting place. Include all the sights you can expect to see, the perils you expect to face, and the people you will meet. Be as complete as possible."
Around the horn with some answers:
"When you die you go through the fields of Elysion (sic) to the river of Stix (sic) where you wait on the coin of life which gets you across by the riverboat Captain Sharon (sic ... supposed to be Charon). You then preced (sic) on to the castle where you have to pass the 3 headed dog."
"Thantos (sic) is the God of Death who I would meet first. I would be sent to Hades, which is not hell by the place you go while it is being determine where you will go next. There is a hell in the Greek world and also a place where Gods will go." (Actually, there isn't a hell in the Greek world.)
"if buried properly I have a coin under my tongue to pay for passage across the river Styx all the people are dead" (Methinks someone sandbagged that one.)
"Your wait at Styx to enter Hades. Meet Thanatos."
"Heart stops, rigor mortis occurs, hypostasis, and then body decomposes." (A little too literal of an interpretation of the question.)
"Death -> Burial -> Styx -> Sharon (sic) -> three headed dog -> Gates -> hades" (I love the capitalization of "gates" but not of "Hades".)
Then there are the little things, like how many people misspell "Styx:" "Styks," "Sticks," Stix," "Stux." Someone referred to Charon as "the little man with the boat;" one cat goes the extra mile and assumes that Charon is "skelatal-faced" (sic). Someone referred to Hades as "Hale," which I think is "Hell" spelled phonetically in the south.
And my absolute favorite:
"I die and then I am taken to a place where my loved ones can view me and say their goodbyes. After my funeral I will be buried in a cemetary where my body will rest. My soul will be in Heaven until Jesus comes back to earth." (When I give her zero credit for this answer, does that mean I'll go to hell?)
Will posed an excellent question about the best new TV shows that are on this season. Well, I don't watch much in the way of TV. But I tell you what I'll not be watching.
"Weekends at the DL" (Comedy Central): Or maybe it's evenings at the DL. Well, whatever it's called, I won't call it "that show I really like, where the guy has D-list celebs like Andy Dick and anyone that has ever busted funny on 'Best Week Ever.'"
"The Showbiz Show" (also Comedy Central): David Spade, busting on celebrities that are only slightly more useless than him. Man, shit like that makes me wish "Stipperella" and "The Mullets."
Let me get this straight: "Pimp My Ride" will hook a person up with a whole new cosmetic upgrade on their vehicle. But, when your shitty vehicle is leaking oil into the driveway, into the parking lot, or basically losing quarts of lube on a daily basis, you're shit outta luck. But at least you have an Xbox in your backseat.
Thank God Xzibit is a pretty decent rapper, or else his money is about one more season from not coming in anymore.
And yet, the week still has two days left. Man, if I didn't love my job, fuck my job. Two more days of Lost love... Keep tuning in.
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