Raw Homecoming - It should have stayed gone.

I tuned in about fifteen min late, so I just missed Randy Orton putting down Roddy Piper & Mick Foley.

The 30 min Ironman match started okay, despite the overall lack of cohesive psychology ... Michaels superkicks with the injured leg? Angle tries to go after the uninjured leg? Then an unresolved draw ending? Not a promising start. And one aside here: 30 min do not an Ironman make. But, see, that wasn't so offensive. I mean, it worked for the 30 min it went, and it was a solid match regardless.

Next up was Vince McMahon, dissing Austin. And all of a sudden it's 1999 all over again, and no one told me. This was the most irritating, predictable, poorly written segment that I have seen, not only in the 3 hrs I watched this show, but in the past three years. First Vince, then Shane(!), then Stephanie(!!!), then Linda(!!!111!!one hundred eleven). Fucking atrocious.

And that was the point that I stopped giving a shit.

The Edge/Hardy match, the "Money In The Bank" ladder match, a/k/a the "Foregone Conclusion" match, started off with the most contrived, ridiculous spot I've seen in a while (the "sandwich" spot, I'll call it). It wasn't anything special, as I had a hard time getting behind Hardy when I just knew-knew-knew that he was losing. He gets tied up ... Edge wins. What a shock. Now, if tying someone up in the ropes during a ladder match is NEVER done again, then I'm convinced, even in the halfhearted kayfabed world, that the rest of the WWF locker room is stocked with completely oblivious idiots.

Next, we get to see Mae Young in her bra. Wonderful ... we truly have returned to 1999.

Oh yay! Naitch & Aitch meet Chia-Head & Narcissist Jr. I'm predicting a heel turn. Goddamn, Triple H really is trying hard to out-Nature Boy Ric Flair, right down to his saggy bitch-tits. And shaking his arms on his way to the ring ain't helping. After about 2 hrs of the most average wrestling match on the whole show, HHH *gasp* TURNS ON FLAIR!!!! Flair busted open! Oh sweet God, what could this mean??! No, for real, I don't even care. You can't make me. I refuse to be convinced that Helmsley turning on Flair will do anything for Helmsley, Flair, or me the wrestling fan. And the fun keeps going ... they show the "WWE.com exclusive" footage, except that it's on USA, which really flies in the face of that term "exclusive," you know.

Conway out against the geriatric farm ... the only thing I found worth marking out for here was the iron claw by Kevin Von Erich. Motherfucker, THAT was pretty cool.

The bra & panties match: As the tits were getting to the ring for their match with the other tits, JR told us that the Homecoming show has "extra time." This isn't a good thing. Yeah, a buncha plastic alien-looking women, along with Victoria, stripped down to their underwear. And I'm on the internet, and just for fun, I'm going to look for Christy Hemme's nude pics from her Playboy shoot. Wow, that bitch is fine. See, who needs bra & panties matches when you're an adult and can have access to published nudity?

Thanks, Cole & Taz, for reminding me not to turn the channel "because this isn't Friday Night Smackdown." Seeing as how it's not Friday ... this ain't UPN ... this ain't ... oh fuck it, it's just not worth the effort. Batista, Rey Rey Layman, and Benoit vs. JBL, Eduardo Guerrero, and Christian in six man fun; they keep teasing this Raw/Smackdown tension, and that would be cool if it lead to a whole pay-per-view of Raw superstars facing Smackdown superstars. Why not? It's not been done before, despite their ongoing "rivalry." Oh, shit; I can't believe Bischoff TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT ON THE SMACKDOWN GUYS! Sweet Jebus, is there no depth to his villainy???!?!

(If Chloe Sevigny doesn't show her tits in "Domino," it won't be worth the ticket price.)

Hogan vs. Austin?? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought the latter was too injured to go anymore, and the former really can't go anymore. Love how they cut him off. How much do you think they paid him for those 15 seconds ... plus the posedown ... and the walk to the ring, of course?

And now, the "main event" (wow, I'm exceding the quota on quotation marks to emphasize how underwhelmed I am at this shit): Cena vs. Bischoff. Please let Cena lose ... wait, haven't we already seen this, only replace "Cena" with "Austin" and "Bischoff" with "McMahon," rewind about 1.5 hrs, and put something worth a damn on here. Although, you know, this is better than Cena/JBL at 'Mania 21.

Oh my ... a Smackdown mugging? Very nice. I like it ... I called it, too. Micheals took on Mysterio ... haw!

Hmmm. They had three hours to work with ... and they put on 5 matches. This is about as many matches as they put on with 2 hours. Thumbs straight down, man ... completely unimpressed.