Moviegoers in Gainesville Suck pt. 1,042

NP: Pearl Jam -- Do the Evolution (Live in Mexico City 7/3/03)

Since I moved to Gainesville in August 2002, I have yet to have a positive movie going experience. Regardless of the movie, or the theater, there is always one or two individuals who feel led to break one or all of the rules of civility that govern the ritual of communal movie watching. In most towns, the Steve-Martin-as-Inspector-Clouseau pre-movie ad telling patrons to turn off their cell phones would be enough. In Asheville, we had the Pepsi-Girl-Who-Talked-Like-Jack-Palance telling us not to smoke or talk loud and that generally did the trick. In Gainesville, it would be more effective to show a five minute documentary with the cast of Napoleon Dynamite telling people basically to sit down and shut up. The problem is, most people here still wouldn't listen.

This weekend, the viewing choice was Underworld Evolution. It was opening weekend, so I expected a big crowd. I had the tickets early and we got to the theater about 20 minutes early. We get a seat and, knowing that something was soon about to dampen the night, we realized what it was. We had chosen the two seats in front of the three biggest rednecks in Alachua County.

Being fron East Tennessee, I should be able to deal with rednecks. One would think that I have enough of a tolerance built up over time. These folks, however, made our rednecks look like guests at a Ruth Criss Steakhouse on a Saturday night.

We knew it was going to be a long movie when the two male rednecks decided to yell a very loud "DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNN" during the commercial for TBS at the point when the guy in the underwear gets hit in the jimmy with a kickball. Funny, yes. DAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNN worthy? Not quite.

From that point, we got commentary from these guys on everything. If it had been witty commentary, it might have been tolerable. Instead, we got gems like "I'm only playing sports games from now on" after the trailer for "Stay Alive." I tried to tune the guys out from that point on, even though redneck A gave a constant running commentary to redneck b about his battle with a "giant jawbreaker." It required him to leave the theater for napkins twice, so it must have been a humdinger of a jawbreaker.

If that wasn't bad enough, there was a girl in the front of the theater who thought it was her duty to take pictures of the people next to her using a flash camera. So, in totally random spots, the movie's narrative would be broken up by a bright light from the front of the theater. even the rednecks were mad about that one. Maybe we should have formed an alliance and kicked the Flash Girl out of the theater.

Oh, and the movie? It was just ok. I hadn't seen the first one. The werewolf changes were pretty cool but the storyline was kinda hard to follow without prior knowledge.