[Comics] I paid for Garth Ennis' newest ivory backscratcher!

I hadn't been to Atomik Comics in going on two years, so one of the first things on my to-do list now that I've got a good job and a cash flow that isn't inhibited by a marijuana habit was to get my ass down to ye olde comic shoppe. Where, in two trips, I have spent approximately one hundred and twenty bucks. And that's not counting what I'll be spending on the Ennis' Punisher trades I put on order, some of which, I have deduced, may not be what I needed. That's what I get for not knowing what I needed when I went in there.

So, in the last month I picked up the Tulip figure from the Preacher line that I put on hold sometime in mid-2003, the fourth and fifth Hitman trades, the six-issue Ghost Rider "Road to Damnation" series, the six-issue Punisher series "Slavers", the first four issues of the five-issue Punisher vs. Bullseye series and the Punisher "Red X-Mas" one-shot. I think I also picked up the herp from having Garth Ennis' penis in my mouth, considering that of what I bought, only the PvB and the one-shot weren't lining Ennis' pockets. And of course, there are the Punisher trades I ordered and the ones I will order ("Born" for sure). For fuck's sake, at least New England Comics hasn't published any Tick books in the last two years, so I won't be spending any money on that.

Now for some reviews.

Ghost Rider "Road to Damnation"

Garth Ennis loves to make fun of Christianity, particularly the Catholic variety. I love to make fun of Christianity, any variety in particular. So I don't have any qualms when Ennis twists Christian theology around his warped pen to fire off a tale in which the Angels of Heaven are no better than the Demons of Hell. But, it gets old. (Don't tell anyone I said that, though. I'll get kicked out of the Atheist's Club.)

Here's the deal: Johnny Blaze finally had to pay the Piper and now spends his time in the torment of demons. Meanwhile, a filthy capitalist, confined to an elaborate robotic walking contraption because of a drunk-driving accident, creates the perfect condition in which to loose Kazann, a vile demon from deepest, darkest Hades. Kazann has, of course, grand designs for a new Hell on Earth and is mysteriously aligned with Malachi, one of more prosperous Angels of the Host. Heaven has sent its' champion, Ruth, a ruthless she-warrior who will stop at nothing to send Kazann back to Hell. Hell also has a mercenary on Kazann's trail, a morbidly obese, beer-drinkin', Cadillac-drivin' good-ol-boy named Hoss(!).

Malachi doesn't want either Hoss or Ruth to get to Kazann, lest they find out his horrible secret. So fellow Angel, and presumably younger sibiling, Daniel gives Malachi a tip: free Ghost Rider from Hell and send him after Kazann. Malachi offers Ghost Rider his freedom if Rider can send Kazann back to Hell before anyone finds out about their alliance. Rider accepts the offer and is quickly on Kazann's trail. He soon finds himself allied with Hoss, trying to beat Ruth to the place in Texas (of course) where Kazann has arisen. And there's a big battle and chaos ensues and Ghost Rider gets screwed in the end and at three bucks a book this is worse than the short Punisher story arc where Frank Castle goes out West that was pretty much the same as the Hitman story arc where Tommy Monaghan goes out West.

Two count, just because it's Ghost Rider, who I've always dug, and because the artwork by Clayton Crain is pretty damned good.

The Punisher "The Slavers"

The best thing about Ennis' Punisher books is that we generally get straight to the fuckin' blowin' shit up and the killin' of the lowlifes. So this one starts out with a young lady firing a handgun at a crowd of scum in a torrential downpour. Bodyguards bust out after her into an alley, leaving a wounded drug-dealer standing behind his limo. Directly in the scope of Frank Castle. Unaware of what happened to their boss, these thugs have caught their female assailant and plan to have their way with her before they leave her lifeless body in a pile of garbage. Forgive them, father, for they know not who stands behind them. Speaking of forgiveness, line of the arc is on page 12 of the first book: "Whatever he was jabbering, it wasn't English. Pavla [aforementioned drug dealer] was Albanian, maybe he was too. But I'd know the Lord's Prayer in any language. Gave him a moment. To just before the line about forgiveness." (Gunshot, exuent thug.)

Bodyguards quickly dispatched, the young lady begs for the Punisher's help. Castle isn't interested, being the stoic killing machine he is. The young lady tells Castle she knows who he is, that she's seen him on TV. The men he killed, they and others were responsible for killing her baby. Before she can explain further, a couple of uniforms show up. Castle disarms them fairly harmlessly and takes the young lady somewhere safe so she can explain: she is a sex slave, brought here from Moldova by an organized sex trafficking ring. When she tried to escape, her baby was murdered and pictures were emailed to the social worker who helped her. The drug dealer Castle killed was part of that ring and he was in the right place at the right time. The young lady's tale lights a fire in Frank Castle; Frank Castle will now light a fire in others (and possibly light others on fire).

The sex ring is run by a ruthless Eastern European mercenary and his horrible cunt of a wife. The death of Pavla at Castle's hands concerns them greatly, as well it should, but they are concerned about the mercenary's also-mercenary father finding out, because he lives in the old country and likes to do things old school, meaning taking care of it himself. He is a completely remorseless, fearless old man who would take it upon himself to deal with the Punisher one-on-one, unaware that the Punisher is the stuff nightmares are made of. Of course, the European has a mole in the NYPD, who convinces a higher-up to play up Castle's attack on the officers in order to turn public opinion and the NYPD against the Punisher.

From there we have some twists and turns and it finishes with Frank Castle having killed a bunch of assholes in glorious, fulfulling fashion. Because he's that kinda guy. It was a pretty inspired story, although an easy target. Sex slave traders who kill children to keep the slaves in line aren't in the least sympathetic. But it is fun to see them killed mercilessly. At the end Castle says this was the first time in a long while where he really hated his prey and it showed.

Three count. Fresh storyline, Frank Castle rules and Leandro Fernandez' artwork is very gritty, which is perfect for this arc. Steve Dillon's bright, crisp, clean visuals wouldn't have worked as well.

The Punisher "Red X-Mas"

Quick little one-shot by Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray, penciled by Mark Texeira.

Castle murders some Mob big shots, so their wives bring a vicious Italian assassin to finish the Punisher once and for all...and she's a hot piece of ass! Castle catches her, where she reveals that she took the job because she admires and that she will tell who hired her...for the price of a single kiss! Castle makes the deal, commences to putting the wood to her...then kills her! Castle kills the ringleader of the Desperate Housewives, but lets the others live on the condition that they...donate generously to charity! And leave the country! Merry Christmas!

Two count. It was almost worth the four dollars for the scene with the assassin. She offers the information and it shows the kiss on the last panel. On the following page it says "The next morning" and it shows her landing on the top of the car. Frank Castle, ladies man.

Punisher vs. Bullseye isn't finished yet, but it's turning out to be a lighthearted little story. When it's done I'll review it.