Oh, wow, fuck moving.

Really. Fuck moving.

***

Our landlord at the apartment is a bitch; the kind of slumlord that wouldn't call the fire department if one of her rental properties was ablaze, let alone have the shower fixed when it starts leaking all the goddamned time. We had to turn the hot water off when it wasn't in use, leading to my wet ass leaving a trail through the apartment after I forgot and jumped in the shower. Woo, frozen balls. So we decided that we're probably not getting the deposit back, even though we left the place in better condition than my roommates found it, and concluded that since we'll only be there for half of July we'll skip the paying of the rent and just hit the road. About a week into July we receive a letter telling us that we owe rent plus $40 bucks in late fees and we laugh at the ingeniousness of our plan.

My roommates, being rich and having the white man's credit, go on vacation. A cruise in the Bahamas or the Caribbean, some place hot and shiny that I wouldn't travel to unless I was out of my mind. Kevin said I should be going with them. I can't swim and I hate the sun. I'd enjoy very few things less than that trip. They close on the house they bought, being now poor yet still having the white man's credit, the weekend before they leave. The plan is that they get back from vacation on Sunday and we start moving that night. Gotcha.

I've got the apartment to myself for a week. I remember what it's like to live by myself. Shitting with the door open. Showering with the door open. Making a mess in the kitchen and leaving it for three days. Loud TV and music. Good times.

Flights get screwed up. Jordan comes home by herself Sunday at 9 PM. Kevin is chasing the luggage from Asheville to Gray. No moving Sunday night.

Monday morning I wake up and they're already doing some last minute packing, including the goddamned coffee pot. Kevin asks if I wanted coffee. Fortunate morning suck need more sleep too fuck tired to call you dickhead stupid goddamn question Mountain Dew cigarette now. I mean, seriously. If I've just gotten out of bed and I ask if you've already packed the coffee pot the appropriate response is "No," but if you have packed it, then "I'm sorry" will suffice. Not a fucking survey about my morning beverage interests.

I go to work. While I am at work Kevin and Jordan plan to move some boxes, some smaller stuff.

I return from work. While I am at work everything has been moved except for some of my boxes and my bookshelves and clothes, the door wasn't locked and no one was there. Jordan comes in and says "Surprise! We have to move all of your stuff. Tonight." Apparently the landlord came by not long after I left and didn't like the answer she got from Kevin about paying the rent, so she sent a locksmith over to change the locks. An agreement was reached with the landlord to allow us to finish moving that day. Kevin, Jordan, and Kevin's dad moved everything they could, including my bed and desk, before Kevin went to work at four. After that point, Jordan and Kevin's dad finished up, except for my stuff, which we hauled in mine and Jordan's car and our friend Jeremy's truck. We finish that at about 11PM. I wake up the next day, on a mattress in the floor. Some of my clothes are in my dresser in the garage. Some of my clothes are in a garbage bag. Most of them are in a basket, dirty, as I expected to wash them Monday night in the apartment. I call in to work and spend the day getting settled in. That was fucking crazy.

***

Important life lesson: if a friend asks you if you want to move to Erwin, they are not your friend. They are an agent of the Devil and should be treated accordingly. And by treated accordingly I mean set on fire and kicked back into the depths of hell.

***

During my two week hiatus from the Internet I logged on once at lunch in the Internet Cafe at work and found my "books are fucking heavy" epiphany is now a universal truth. No wonder stupid people don't read; a TV is far lighter. Maybe they're not so stupid.

Also: Mike, I didn't mean to no-sell your question about the board. You asked that two days before the move and I didn't get DSL until Friday.