Halloween Movie Countdown: Week 2 (Rating The Fridays)

(So I'm a day late ... wanna fight about it?)

"Friday the 13th" as a film series has been around as long as I've been alive. That feels weird to say. In fact, all of the slasher genre horror films have been. But "Friday the 13th" was the first to make an icon out of its main character. When Jason Voorhees dons that hockey mask in Part 3 ... you know you have a winner. (Granted, Jason was almost upstaged at the last minute by a film called, "Alone In The Dark," in which a main villain attacks a family adorned in said piece of hockey protective equipment; the film was lensed prior to "Friday the 13th Part 3," but hit screens after Part 3 ... who says 13 ain't lucky?)

Anyway, Jason's lumbering ass has been in a total of 11 films to date, slaying bitches and swanging machetes like there ain't no tomorrow (well, except in Part 1, where he basically was lying in the middle of the lake). I started thinking about this canon of films, and the parts I've loved and hated of each one, and I thought, "How does each one rate against the other?" Well, I'm glad I asked.

11) "Jason Takes Manhattan": No, no no no! This is serious "jumping the shark" territory. I can't believe this concept made it out of the meeting; apparently, the '90s were full of self-absorbed fuckers who found the concept of a hockey masked killer too kitschy, so they had to drop him down a few pegs. Stupid stupid concept ... and retconned into even stupider territory when "Freddy Vs. Jason" establishes a very interesting premise of Jason as a hydrophobic.

10) "The New Blood": Ever wondered what a fight between Jason & Jean Grey would be like? Woe-ho ho, then you probably never got laid. And you won't thinking thoughts like that. I don't thing I've even seen this one all the way through ... does he kill the chick in the end? Someone post the answer to that in the comment section, if you would.

9) "A New Beginning": This pissed me off when I first saw it. There was a period in the mid-80s when Marvel & DC would hype heavy duty stories using the major villains like Joker, Mysterio, Two-Face, Green Goblin, etc. Only, in the end, the villain wouldn't be the real person, only a minion or complete stranger compelled to be the villain for the sake of the story in that issue. Wow, hated that then ... hate it now.

8) "Freddy Vs. Jason": I actually like this movie a lot better than its ranking might suggest, but in comparison to the reat of the films, it barely treads water. Freddy is back to pre-"New Nightmare" mode, they try to flesh out some new concepts, but the cast manages to felch out those same concepts. This one loses a few major points solely for that scene where the group of teens pieces together the Jason-Freddy connection. "Oh my God, that must mean that ..." "Freddy is using Jason to scare the kids of Elm Str-" Fuck, insert Lewis Blackesque eye crossing & finger twitching right the fuck here. But, the cornfield rave that turns into "A Jason In The Rye" scene ... boss.

7) Friday The 13th Part 2: Nothing much to say, other than there's tons to love in this sequel - burlap sack head Jason, his mom's severed head in a shrine ... oh yeah, when my mom's head is severed by a camper trying to save her life, you can bet I'm gonna hang onto that.

6) "Jason Goes To Hell/ The Final Friday": I like the idea of Jason's evil being an essence that corrupts a person. It leans hard on "New Beginning" territory, and doesn't ultimately make a whole lot of sense, but it's a pretty interesting & scary premise, plus the scene where Jason impales the chick riding her boyfriend and cleaves her in half is particularly nasty.

5) "Jason Lives": SPOILER alert! The ending of this one, where the hero throws a chain to a rock over Jason's neck and sinks him in the bottom of the lake ... that would have made an ideal ending to the series, 'cause irony sells, baby.

4) "The Final Chapter": I like this one from front to back. I just want to add, though, that it's the first of two films in the series to have "final" in the title.

3) Friday The 13th: Oh hells yeah! The granddaddy of them all! Kevin Bacon! Titties! Pot smoking! Mystery & intrigue! Blood! Archery! Dead bodies reappearing in the final scenes to drive the last victim closer to the villain! O formula, where art thou? Incidentally, did you know that this film has the same body count as "House Of Frankenstein?" Sure does ... so eat that, MPAA!

2) "Jason X": In the words of Eddie Murphy's barber character in "Coming to America," "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, who's next?" That's to anyone that has a disparaging word to say about this film being ranked so high ... and above the first installment, no less. "Oh, what a fucker!" I hear you saying. But I contend that there's nothing in this film that is not just the coolest shit ever. Now, if they can somehow work out a film version of the 2-issue comic series, "Jason vs. Jason X?" That's a license to print money.

1) "Part 3D": This is the one. The first hockey mask ... the ludicrous 3D shit (oh, to have been in the theater when the joint passing scene came up) ... the most creative kills ... the machete ... the ante on the gore table going up. It's all here, and then some. Oh, and I think this is the one with the rap music playing over the end credits. And if it isn't, well hell ... I'll pretend it is and now it's the best fucking film in the universe (if there's no consistency in the "Friday" film canon, there's no reason to have it in my stupid little write-ups on slasher films).

The Closer
Man, the only way to make the "Friday the 13th" franchise even better, at this point, is to merge it with Ice Cube's "Friday" franchise. Seeing Johnny Witherspoon and that old "that place is currrrsssed" dude trading lines, that would make me one happy chappy.