Introduction
Zombie films are the bastard sons of horror movies nowadays. It used to be vampire films, but now we’re in the heart of the zombie renaissance; hopefully, the downswing is not far after. Zombie films are easy to make; there’s very little characterization that has to be done, and the fear inherent in zombie attackers is not found in the suave and debonair menace (i.e. vampires), the beast that lurks within man (i.e. werewolves), or even the hidden dark motives of your everyday man on the street (i.e. serial killers). Nope, all the zombie has to have is teeth and numbers; a filmmaker just has to have an abundance of green paint, Karo syrup (chocolate syrup, if the Karo supply at the corner store dries up), and a horde of friends with a few free hours on the weekend.
Zombies can amble or sprint. Zombies can die from a grievous head wound, or they can live long after they’ve been chopped to bits. They can feast on flesh, or they can specifically dine on brains. They can talk or mumble incoherently. They can be studied as scientific specimens, or they can be targets of the military. They can be our families, or they can be us.
The best zombie films, unquestionably, have the best zombies. And the best zombies stand out in some specific way, and in a lot of ways stand out from the human cast they are paired against. When I was compiling this list over the course of the past week (watching more zombie films than anyone has a right to, mind you), I was originally going to keep it to just the characters that were zombies from their first appearance to their last appearance. Then it occurred to me that sometimes, a human character that becomes a zombie can elevate that film by the carryover of their character traits to their newfound zombie status.
And for a matter of definition: Zombies are the characters who have died and have come back to life, for whatever reason. So you won’t see characters who have been possessed (no "Evil Dead" characters), characters who are more akin to ghosts (it hurt me to have to trim Jack from "American Werewolf In London," as well as The Man from "Carnival Of Souls"), nor any that have been taken over by aliens (only one zombie character from "Night Of The Creeps" shows up). I’m also leaving out voodoo zombies, which, again, rules out some of my favorites from "White Zombie" and "Sugar Hill" (the ‘70s film, not the Wesley Snipes film). Now, I did make a small conceit with one character – the "Zombie Baby" – since he’s the product of two zombies who had sex. And really, how often does one get to write that sentence in a lifetime?
Anyway, here’s my ranking, based on weeklong observations and with apologies to Raven Mack, of the Top 25 Pound-For Pound Zombies In The Motherfucking World:
- Tar Man (Return Of The Living Dead)
The template by which all zombies should be measured. The actor who ushered in this role - Alan Trautman - was a puppeteer, and he came up with the shuffling, ambling gait of the Tarman, as if the bones were just barely hanging on by rapidly deteriorating tissue. Trautman was so thin that the Tarman skeletal structure was able to be applied on his frame, then the makeup applied on top of that. An eerie effect, and when added to that call to arms of "Braaaiiins!" you have cinematic history. - Julie (Return Of The Living Dead 3)
Hot zombie chicks who put sharp objects in their bodies to stifle the pain that being dead creates, and aren't afraid to show off their titties while clad in leather ... yep, you just made #2 on the list. - Underwater Zombie (Zombi)
Oh, so your zombie can break through boarded up doors, survive an onslaught of bullets, and scream "Brains!" until his heart's content? Yeah, well, my zombie ain't afraid to fight a tiger shark, so top that! Of course, seeing as the zombie in question manages to dentally tear a chunk off the shark, given what we know of zombie virus transmission, does that mean that off the coast of Italy swims a zombie shark? - "Send More Paramedics" (Return Of The Living Dead)
This zombie wins the award for "most likely to succeed." Seeing his opportunity to increase the food supply, this fella here commandeers an ambulance CB and bellows yet another great line in a film full of 'em: "Send ... more ... paramedics." And of course, the oblivious EMTs fall right into the trap. The next guy who tries this - "Send more cops" - is just riding on the coattails. - The Conquistadore (Zombi)
Another iconic image of zombie cinema. Check out posters & movie boxes for pics of this guy. - She (Cemetery Man)
Again, the rule here at SGM is "Titties uber alles." (That oughta be a universal truth.) And this is another display of how undeath can't stop the titty bum rush. I think knowing that Rupert Everett's gay somehow diminishes this slightly, but it can't kill my late-night fantasy booking of She vs. Julie (#2) in a graveyard mudpit match. - Bub (Day OF The Dead)
The first zombie to begin to regain self-awareness. Of course, all this means is that he tries to shave himself and picks up a gun and shoots his enemies. But, it's a start, and it paves the way for greater evolution in later zombiedom, which unfortunately culminates with Big Daddy, who we'll talk about later. - Zombie Baby (Dead Alive)
I'd have to rank this much higher than the zombie baby of the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake. I mean, just a headbutt from Dead Alive's undead youngster would be enough to end any match with a much better opponent. - Father Thomas (City Of The Living Dead)
Any zombie that can make his victims vomit up their intestines and liver, well that's a zombie that's alright by me. - Freddy (Return Of The Living Dead)
"I know you're there, 'cause I can smell your braaaiiins ..." - John Ellman (Walking Dead, 1936)
One of Karloff's many turns as a "living dead" (not techically a zombie) character. See also: "The Man They Could Not Hang," "The Man Who Lived Again," "The Man With Nine Lives." "The Walking Dead" comes on TCM on Oct. 27 @ 10:30pm. - Inspector Clay (Plan 9 From Outer Space)
Inspiration for one of the best Halloween masks I've ever seen. - Karen Cooper (Night Of The Living Dead)
This would be the little girl in the basement in "Night," who eventually ends up stabbing her mother to death, then feasting on her mom's intestines. The actress has a website, which is very ... well, self-promotional. Isn't this what MySpace is for? - Mother (Dead Alive)
Which is worse, a chunk of skin detaching from your face, pus spurting into your company's pudding, or your ear falling off your head into your own pudding and you absent-mindedly eating it? - Jesus (Last Temptation Of Christ)
Ahem ... - Michael Jackson (Thriller)
Double ahem ... - Cemetery Zombie(Night Of The Living Dead)
Ah ... the first. The first "Romero" zombie to ever grace the screen. He kills Johnny, chases Barbara, and shows up in the third act to drag Barbara through the window to be devoured. - The Boy Scouts (Cemetery Man)
Kinda puts a whole new spin on that "when he eats his first Brownie" joke, y'know? - Old Woman (Return Of The Living Dead)
Billed as "1/2 Woman Corpse," this is the character that establishes the groundrules for the "post-Romero" zombie. Why they eat brains ("Not people ... brains"), what it's like being dead, the whole nine. - Mercer (Dead Next Door)
Zombie as supercop? Book this jerk against Maniac Cop today! - Psycho Zombie (Night Of The Creeps)
This would be the reanimated corpse of the ax killer from the beginning of "Night Of The Creeps." It's a nice, effective setpiece for Detective Cameron to wrap up a loose end from his life. Pretty well-written for a b-movie. - Orville (Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things)
Yep, that's Orville. He sits there. He's dead. The living make fun of him. They use him for their movie. Yep, it's Orville. He comes back to life. AHHHHH! And, cut! Print! That's a wrap. If you can get this film for $6 and under, don't pass it up. - Big Daddy(Land Of The Dead)
Any zombie that gets top billing, and doesn't bite one fucking human ... is a piece of rotting shit, I don't care how "evolved" he may or may not be. It's criminal that Big Daddy bites not one single victim ... I mean, John Leguizamo, sneering non-actor that he is, is a zombie for 16 seconds and he bites more people than Big Daddy does in the whole movie. Ridiculous. - Yakuza Boss (Versus)
Ah, the Asian zombie. It could be worse, they could hop all over the goddamn place, like the zombies in the mid-90s zombie movies. - The Man(Raw Meat)
"Mind the doors!" Okay, I get it, he's a zombie who's lived in the London tube system for years, and he's only managed to pick up the conductor's instructions as the words he has relearned. But the whole movie's dialogue near the end is "Mind the doors!" "Where is he?" "Mind the doors!" "Oh, God!" "Mind the doors!" It ranks right up there with the Fly's "Help me! Help me!" that probably seemed more menacing & scary in the script, than it ended up being on the screen.
Movies watched to compile this list:
Night Of The Living Dead
Dawn Of The Dead
Day Of The Dead
Dead Next Door
Return Of The Living Dead
Return Of The Living Dead 3
Night Of The Creeps
Versus
Zombie
Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things
Let Sleeping Corpses Lie
Kung Fu Zombie
Dead Alive
Cemetery Man
City Of The Living Dead
Land Of The Dead
Raw Meat
Shaun Of The Dead
Plan Nine From Outer Space
Walking Dead
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