Today's Comics Ain't Shit

(or, "Use Your Illusion, II," Track 1)

I was reading an issue of a book called "Jack Cross," written by Warren Ellis. And it starts very high-spirited, like comics should, like Ellis stories should. This was issue four. Issue four of this "ongoing monthly book" was its last.

So, bored, I picked up JLA #3. Now, for those unaware, this is the third (or fourth, depending on how you look at it) incarnation of the JLA series. But that's not counting the ongoing "JLA: Classified" series that's out there. Or the "Justice" mini that's being done by Alex Ross. Or that "Formerly Known As The Justice League" abortion that crops up from time to time.

Part of the way through, I realized, "You know, fuck this." Comics today can eat a dick, straight up.

I used to really enjoy the Avengers when I was younger. Loved 'em; the stories, the art, fucking fantastic. Then they made the West Coast Avengers. Actually, that I didn't mind. Then they moved the Avengers off to some pocket universe (i.e. marketing ploy) where Rob Liefield reigned supreme ... until his books were late as shit and Marvel realized why they canned his ass in the first place. (But, Liefield is comicdom's Scott Hall; he always shows up when you least expect it, and things always end up the same.) So then the Avengers get their own revamped book ... and it's pretty tight. Then, Brian Michael Bendis fucks up continuity, kills Hawkeye (who's back, by the way), and revamps the Avengers again. Just in time for "Civil War."

I thought about this today, perusing my comic stash from Planet Comics in Anderson. "Powers," Vol 2, issue #lackadaisical storyline. "Ninja Scroll" #2, but already I've heard that this book is slated for shutdown 'cause the creators have other obligations, so there's a storyline I can't bother getting into. Punisher & Punisher War Journal, vol's 6 & 2, respectively (if you count each relaunch as a volume). And one of the Civil War spinoffs, "Frontline," with multiple storylines moving slower than a slug's bowels.

I picked up some fantastic reading, in the form of collected volumes of fringe or vintage reprints. Here's some of the better stuff I've picked up recently:

"Y: The Last Man" - All men on Earth die except one. Hilarity ensues. No words I have can do what I've read so far justice. I'm plenty impressed with it, and I'm just on the third collection. Expect more than a few lesbian characters and gratuitous titty shots. It's a very tightly paced road story, with many, logical reasons made available for these characters to be traveling across country.

"Walking Dead" - Imagine a zombie movie that never ends. Character development and story are the key here. Similar to "Y," you see how life evolves in the aftermath of mass tragedy. And trust me, it's hard to tell who gets squirrellier by their circumstances, a planet occupied by only women or a world where the dead feast on the flesh of the living.

"Marvel Essentials" - Oh my, yes. Throw me some vintage "Defenders," please. Think I'll have a taste of "Tomb of Dracula," too. Hey, who brought the "Super Villain Team-Up?" Love it! And someone's bringing "Power Man & Iron Fist" over? Superb!

I've pretty much had it with what's passing for sequential art entertainment nowadays. There's too many fucking creators thinking that their latest recycled concept of our favorite characters is worth a shit, only to find that no one gives a shit, but without closing storylines, they up and leave a once-worthwhile title floundering, until some new shithead decides to pitch a whole new idea, buuut ... it might require a relaunch. So comic shops are littered with tons of #1 issues, but very few #100s, and more "innovative" (read: hacked out) relaunches & new titles coming out every week.

Seriously, do we need: yet another Aquaman series (newsflash: Fishman doesn't fucking sell!); another Green Lantern; Warlord(!); Iron Fist; another Punisher; Jonah Hex; Ant-Man(!!); and another Dr. Strange (newsflash: Rabbit Out Of A Hat Man doesn't fucking sell!). Shit, JSA #1 comes out next week, and that shit was out in the 1950's!.

And this list is what's coming out in the next two weeks. The above represent titles that were in print, in the 100s or 200s issues, when my age was a single digit. Now? Warlord #10; Iron Fist #1; Jonah Hex #14, and so on.

I think comic books as serialized entertainment are done. Now, we just need self-contained mini- or maxi-series, because, unless it's something along the lines of a "Y," "Preacher," "Walking Dead," or something equally spectacular. I'm also fond of the Essential series, and I'd love to see a day that the Essentials come out in color rather than black and white, for the same low price that they go for now.

But, in closing, the thing that bothers me the most is that, of all the titles that get the relaunch/revision treatment, no one has looked at the easiest, most compelling title of them all: "House of Mystery." A horror anthology, with a host and segues and an opportunity for multiples of creators to really shine. And with horror (and pseudo-horror) entertainment on the rise, there's no reason it wouldn't sell.

But hey, what do I know? I read funnybooks.