My Wrestlemania 24 predictions

Wow, I bet I'd really give a crap if I'd, y'know, even watched WWF this whole year?

Beth Phoenix & Melina vs. Ashley & Maria: Y'know, at least TNA is doing something right with their women's division and promoting real wrestling instead of this, which will no doubt be some boring ass garbage. And my standing rule for WWF womens wrestling is, I don't give a shit unless I see some tit. I predict: The ones who showed their pussies to the anonymous public will win, to continue to promote WWF's doctrine that if you whore yourself out, you too can be successful. So congratulations, Ashley and Maria.

Batista vs. Umaga: When Umaga was wrestling Cena for the World Title, back in 2007, I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have carried the strap for a few months. But that didn't happen, and here we are. I predict: Batista so got dis.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair: I read that this is for Ric Flair's career. He's the only active wrestler to get inducted into the Hall of Fame, and that's this year. I predict: Oh yeah, Shawn Michaels and the power of Christ will break the Nature Boy, creating a fine Wrestlemania moment to put in the hype videos, to replace the Benoit/Guerrero moment.

Finlay vs. JBL: A Belfast brawl is probably like a Chicago Street Fight, which is like a Hollywood backlot brawl, which is probably like a Philadelphia street fight, which is similar to an Eight Mile street fight, which is kinda like a Texas Death match, etc. Hey, it just occurred to me that this is the first Wrestlemania in a while that hasn't had any McMahon direct involvement; that said, this is where it'll be. I predict: Thank you, Fit Finlay.

Money in the Bank: Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, CM Punk, Kennedy, MVP, and Jericho: They only put Shell-toe Benjamin out there so that he can do something highlight reel worthy, but they don't put any serious energy on him, which sucks. Nitro and Carlito are about useless, so they ain't getting any. I'm thinking that Kenneth Kennedy already blew his chances by way of an atrocious 2007. I'm on the fence about MVP, but I'm thinking that Matt Hardy will blow in and shatter Mr. Porter's dreams. That leaves Punk and Jericho ... Jericho has blown his comeback since he's showed back up, so that leaves ... I predict: CM Punk, which will be pretty cool if he can gain the WWF title at the same time Samoa Joe is holding TNA heavyweight gold, provided TNA doesn't fuck him over at Lockdown.

Chavo Guerrero vs. winner of a 24 man battle royal: Is Khali in this? I predict: The Great Khali, if he's in this.

Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather: So, Pacman Jones goes to TNA and gets shit on, but Mayweather goes on to 'Mania, and we're supposed to think it's the greatest thing ever? This is why I don't really follow the IWC. I predict: The goddamn Big Show better win ... I've always dug Big Show and his crazy ass antics, from his Giant days up to now. he's fit, he's healthy, and he should be in line to carry the world title for longer than a transitional period.

Edge vs. Undertaker - Smackdown World Title: I have bet against the Undertaker for the past few years, and I've learned my lesson each time. That being said ... I predict: Edge! I mean, seriously, 'Taker's gotta lose that streak sometime right? And if it wasn't Randy Orton or Batista who was worthy of ending the streak, if EDGE isn't worthy of ending it, at this point who the hell is? Besides, Edge has his own streak too, so this could be the start of another 'Mania run for a different superstar.

Randy Orton vs. Triple H vs. John Cena - RAW World Title: Why the hard-on for Triple Threat world title matches these past several years? I guess it throws doubt onto what could be considered foregone conclusions, but still, unless it's a 3-Way Dance (elimination style), I don't really care for the stipulation that much. I predict: I was going to first say "Triple H," because he sired an heir to the McMahon dynasty, but then I've been wrong before when it came to Triple H winning, back when he tapped to Benoit at the Big Dance. No, fuck it, Triple H wins.

Now, we'll reconvene in a few days and see how my powers of prognostication fared. I did alright with TNA's Against All Odds, so let's see if I can keep my streak alive!