rasslin

Monday Nitro fresh out of the can!

The show opens with a limo pulling up to the United Center. The nWo gets out and everyone is smoking cigars. The crowd pops when Dennis Rodman gets out of the limo. The nWo takes approximately seven hours to walk into the ring. Hogan wastes no time on the mic. He says that him and Rodman are going to kick Luger and the Giant’s asses at the next pay per view, just like the Bulls shut down the Utah Jazz. Hogan keeps on saying “Brah” at the end of every sentence. Dennis Rodman gets the mike and I shit you not repeatedly challenges Lex Luthor to come down and face him in a fight. Now I know WCW was going all out here to put together a big time pay per view main event, but come on! They are teasing a match with the six time NBA rebounding champion vs. the only human to ever best Superman! I’m in.

Zbysko, Schiavone and Tenay welcome us to Nitro as the opening bell sounds and we’ll have Mortis with James Vandenberg taking on Glacier. Schiavone invites you to order the repeat broadcast of last night’s Great American Bash as it was the most brutal pay per view in the history of our great sport! As you already know, Glacier is on a quest to get his samurai helmet back from Vandenberg. Apparently he failed to do that last night and he’s out to retrieve it here tonight. Glacier promptly squashes Mortis for the 123 but Wrath jumps in and beats him down! Mortis and Wrath are ready to handcuff Glacier to the ringpost but out of nowhere comes Ernest Miller! Miller with big roundhouses on the bad guys and he clears the ring. Thank God for WCW security led by Doug Dillinger as they come in and restore order to the ring! Commercial break…

Back in the ring, Mean Gene is interviewing Medusa. Gene asks Medusa if it’s sunk in that she lost a retirement match last night. She says she’s a woman of her word and she lost the retirement match so she’s on her way out. Bla bla….

Dean Malenko is coming to the ring. He gets on the mic and calls out Eddie Guerrero. Instead Chavo Guerrero comes out to accept the challenge. Zbysko says that the problem with Guerreros is “there’s so many of ‘em, when you beat one you gotta beat fifty of ‘em.” I guess this is angle is supposed to be a microcosm of our immigration problem. The match is pretty damn good as Malenko goes over with the Texas Cloverleaf. Eddie comes out to watch from the entryway. Commercial…

In the ring we have La Parka wrestling Super Calo. Tenay says that La Parka is known as the largest of the luchadores. Zbysko says that neither man wants to lose this match because “once the word gets back to Mexico, he’ll be humiliated.” As if news of the defeat will only reach Mexico City via pack mule or some guy hitching in the back of a pickup truck, possibly buried under some straw. Super Calo gets the win and La Parka is furious. Super Calo gets blasted with a chairshot.

Mean Gene is interviewing Lex Luger and The Giant. Luger talks a bunch of crappy shit. Giant spits all over Mean Gene’s microphone. It’s horrible. Commercial…

The Amazing French Canadiens with Col. Parker take on Harlem Heat. The Canadian National Anthem is attempted, but Harlem Heat interrupt that. Harlem Heat wins pretty easily here. Commercial…

Mean Gene is with JJ Dillon. We already know Dillon is a blatant racist and he reinforces it here. He tells Harlem Heat that they are not going to be number one contenders for the tag team titles even though they beat the Steiner Bros. last night at the pay per view in the number one contender match. Because they won by DQ, the executive committee thinks the match was inconclusive and they’ll have to wrestle the Steiners yet again. Commercial…

nWo music hits and the Outsiders head toward the ring with Syxx. Apparently Syxx is going to be defending his Cruiserweight title against Rey Misterio Jr. Schiavone recounts the time Nash threw Rey Rey into the side of a trailer like a lawn dart and a merry laugh is had by all. The match goes back and forth and the Outisders use every opportunity to take cheap shots at Misterio. Rey is about to win when the Outsiders enter the ring. Rey kicks Nash over the top rope but Syxx slaps on the Buzzkiller and wins by submission. Kevin Nash Jackknifes Misterio for good measure, then cuts a promo. Nash says the Wolfpac is the strongest beast in the jungle. Scott Hall says that Flair and Piper are a joke and the icons are dead. Hall tells Chicago to welcome a real icon to the ring as Macho Man comes out with Miss Elizabeth. Macho Man talks about how he was on top of his game last night agsinst DDP. DDP interrupts the gloating from way up in the stands with Kimberly. DDP says he made a few phone calls and found himself a tag partner, and he wants to take on Hall and Savage at Bash at the Beach. Kimberly is hotter than anybody in the building. DDP is a dirty grease monkey. Commercial…

Ultimo Dragon is facing Lionheart Chis Jericho for our “wrestling” segment of the night. The match is underway with a catch as catch can volley of wrestling maneuvers! Dragon hits the Tiger Suplex for the 123. We cut to Lee Marshall at a Nitro Party in Macon GA. for the 1 800 collect road report.

Mean Gene is in the ring with Rowdy Roddy Piper. Piper basically calls Dennis Rodman a fag. Piper wants to know why Flair let him down at the pay per view. Piper calls Flair out and here he comes. Piper wants to know why Flair disappeared during the fight with the Outsiders. Flair basically gives a bullshit excuse and tries to make amends. I’m confused here because Flair doesn’t really offer any valid excuse as to why he left Piper alone against the Outsiders. But Piper seems convinced and amends are made. Weird.

Mongo McMichael and Jeff Jarrett vs. Scott Norton and Buff Bagwell. Scott Norton seems like the kind of dude that isn’t really “in on the business” and you can tell by the way he punches Mongo in the face. Repeatedly. And the way he elbows Jeff Jarrett in the neck. Repeatedly. The match takes a huge swerve as Mongo piledrives his own partner, Jarrett. Double J is left lying in the ring as the nWo gets the win.

nWo music hits AGAIN as Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman head to the ring to take on Lex Luger and The Giant. After two minutes of stalling, Luger and the Giant hit the entryway. In the ring, the match begins as Hogan ties up with Luger and Rodman attacks the Giant. Giant immediately grabs Rodman around the throat and hoists him up for the chokeslam. Hogan lowblows Luger and saves Rodman. Giant grabs Hogan and throws him in the corner as Rodman drops the Giant from behind with a shot to the head from Hogan’s world title. The crowd pops huge as Rodman drops wimpy elbows on the Giant. Hall and Nash come in and the spray paint is used on Luger and Giant. The crowd litters the ring with garbage as the nWo celebrates their victory. We’re out of time!

I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. I know I sure didn’t. The best matches oon the card were part of the lowest angles. Jericho’s match was great. Dean Malenko’s match was pretty good too. But I guess they had no place in WCW’s big plans. My personal favorite parts were Kevin Nash’s powerbomb on Rey Rey and Scott Norton’s working style. I swear Scott Norton doesn’t know that wrestling is a work.