Wrestlemania results & predictions analysis

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Match One: Finlay vs. JBL - Belfast Brawl
What I said: Thank you, Fit Finlay.
What happened was: Damn you, Fit Finlay. I also was sort of expecting a Hornswoggle turn, as well as some McMahon shenanigans, but alas ... nothing. Not a bad "hardcore"-type match, and there was a nice sequence where Finlay dove through the ropes only to eat a trashcan lid shot in midair, courtesy of JBL. JBL ultimately pulls off the win, and in my book the upset. (1/0)

Match Two: Money in the Bank - Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, CM Punk, Kennedy, MVP, and Jericho
What I said: CM Punk, which will be pretty cool if he can gain the WWF title at the same time Samoa Joe is holding TNA heavyweight gold, provided TNA doesn't fuck him over at Lockdown.
What happened was: Punk won, and while the fuckery of Samoa Joe is still pending, I look forward to what awaits in the future for the MitB winner. It can't be any worse than last year, for sure. And for almost crippling your damn self for my entertainment, Shelton Benjamin, you're still my hero. (2/1)

Match Three: Umaga vs. Batista
What I said: Batista so got dis.
What happened was: Batista so had dat. I expected a lot more out of this match, and while Umaga seemed down for whatever, Batista might as well have been Caesar the Somnabulist out there. (3/2)

Match Four: Chavo Guerrero vs. winner of a 24 man battle royal
What I said: The Great Khali, if he's in this.
What happened was: It weren't Khali, it was Kane, and it weren't a match, it was one chokeslam and a three count. Hope that wasn't the match that you came to see. (I'm calling this at 4/2.5, 'cause I did call Chavo losing.)

Match Five: Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels
What I said: Oh yeah, Shawn Michaels and the power of Christ will break the Nature Boy, creating a fine Wrestlemania moment to put in the hype videos, to replace the Benoit/Guerrero moment.
What happened was: This was billed as a "career threatening" match (despite Ric Flair's repeated insistence on telegraphing his loss on pretty much every major hype appearance that he attended). Funny thing is, for Shawn Michaels it really was career threatening, 'cause I swear he split his pelvis on that moonsault into the announce table. This was a very good match, although I could have done with less NAMBLA at the end. (5/3.5)

Match Six: Beth Phoenix & Melina vs. Ashley & Maria
What I said: The ones who showed their pussies to the anonymous public will win, to continue to promote WWF's doctrine that if you whore yourself out, you too can be successful. So congratulations, Ashley and Maria.
What happened was: Ha, ha, on the contrary: Showing your tits and ass and shaven bushes will get you NOWHERE. And even God showed that he doesn't appreciate WWF women's wrestling, as the lights just - boom! - went out. Snoopy Dogg Doggy was the Master of Ceremonies for this one, which only made it that much more entertaining, but he at least got to tongue kiss Maria. I'm disappointed that Snoop's detached conjoined twin glory whore Don Magic Juan didn't make the trip. (6/3.5)

Match Seven: Randy Orton vs. Triple H vs. John Cena - RAW World Title
What I said: I was going to first say "Triple H," because he sired an heir to the McMahon dynasty, but then I've been wrong before when it came to Triple H winning, back when he tapped to Benoit at the Big Dance. No, fuck it, Triple H wins.
What happened was: In fact, 'twas young Randall Orton, and the way they handled it, I can't hate on that. Didn't see it coming, played on Orton's strengths, and ended a solid nigh-15 min match that was just packed. (7/3.5)

Match Eight: Big Show vs. Floyd Mayweather
What I said: The goddamn Big Show better win ... I've always dug Big Show and his crazy ass antics, from his Giant days up to now. he's fit, he's healthy, and he should be in line to carry the world title for longer than a transitional period.
What happened was: Sigh. The goddamn Big Show didn't win, but that match was a lot better than I thought it would be. First off, love Show's "Shhhh" chop in the corner. Second, Show on a rampage is great fun to watch ... see when he attacks one of Mayweather's cornermen after getting fed up with Mayweather's stalling, and also check the sequence where Mayweather's posse tries to get Mayweather to the back and Show chases them down. But FUUUUCK the "brass knuckles" punch to the jaw ending ... don't you know those things are sold as "belt buckles" in Gatlinburg, TN? Hey Show; Jericho 2k8 says "welcome back to the midcard." (8/3.5)

Match Nine: Edge vs. Undertaker - Smackdown World Title
What I said: Edge! I mean, seriously, 'Taker's gotta lose that streak sometime right? And if it wasn't Randy Orton or Batista who was worthy of ending the streak, if EDGE isn't worthy of ending it, at this point who the hell is? Besides, Edge has his own streak too, so this could be the start of another 'Mania run for a different superstar.
What happened was: Shit fuck damn. You'd think I'd learn to not bet against Taker, but hell, one day I gotta be right. Me and Will got into a debate on what Taker's numbers meant (Will was on the "won-loss" side of the numbers, I was on the "number of matches-number of losses" side), so we were going back and forth on what the numbers would look like if Taker lost (15-1 vs. 16-1). Ultimately, it didn't fucking matter: 16-0 is the order of the day. But Edge looked great, with all the insane counters to everything Taker threw out. Good end to a pretty damn good 'Mania. (9/3.5 ... number of matches/number of correct predictions)

Overall, out of nine matches, I correctly guessed 3.5, for an accuracy rating of "shitty" (38.89%, if you want a real number).

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Phrases that I quickly got sick of, and if there were a drinking game, you'd have been fitshaced faster than Kane beat Chavo:

1) On Randy Orton: "the youngest WWE World champion in history"
2) On Undertaker: "15-0"
3) On Edge: "the ultimate opportunist"