Hail to the Chief

Hail, hail, baby. President Barack Hussein Obama. I can dig it.

After eight years of hearing educated people say shit like "I don't know why we're in Iraq, but I support what we're doing" and claims of us being in a "recession" being "bollocks," I'm going to take the opportunity to be a little unquestioning Statist for a while. If President Obama says or does it, it's the right thing. President Obama killed your dog? Good, your dog barked too much anyway. President Obama shit in your living room? Fine, your house smelled like your retarded dog and President Obama's shit smells like roses so he did you a favor. President Obama fucked your wife? She says it's the best dick she's ever had.

Support are President!!1!~one!

Seriously, thank fuck this day has come. No bullshit, but eight years ago on election day 2000, after the initial declaration of George W. Bush's victory, I said it would be terrible. Sure, I was basing my prediction on the premise that Bush was an intellectually incurious dry-drunk narrowly elected by a coalition of fundamentalist Christians, lunatics who have convinced themselves that that supply-side economics actually produce a "trickle-down" effect, and a small group of the super-wealthy who know how to manipulate the first two groups. But ol' Dubya would be a great guy to have a beer with!

So here we are. I'm not going to list the failures; if you've lived in this country for the past eight years and have a grip on reality at least as firm as this lady, you know what they are whether you want to admit them or not. Sure, there were some successes, like fucking shit up so badly that a black man with the name Barack Hussein Obama was just sworn in as President.

Oh, and also a reference to werewolves in the State of the Union address. I didn't think that would happen in my lifetime. I expected a black President at some point in my lifetime, but "human-animal hybrids" in the State of the Union? It's bad enough that President Bush constantly said shit like "is our children learning," although that's just misspeaking and it happens to everyone from time to time. But someone actually had to write down "human-animal hybrids" and then tell him to say it and he didn't ask "why would I say this?" And if he did ask why, then that means he didn't say "I'm the goddamn President of the United States of America, I'm not talking about the fucking dangers of 'human-animal hybrids' in the State of the Union address." But that was 2006 and by that point most people just didn't care anymore. Eventually the dumbassery overwhelms the senses and becomes background noise.

So here we are. I would never say it can't get worse. Things can always get worse. But, at least for a little while, things can look a little better. And as of an hour ago, it's Former President Bush and by God that sounds just as sweet as President Barack Obama.