Monday, June 29, 2009

Not to be Confused With, Day 3

... wherein Matt Dillon > Dane Cook, noir < big ol’ titties, Jeff Bridges < Jet Li’s lies, and creepy hermaphrodites > Howard Stern.

Employee of the Month (2004/2006)

Employee of the Month (2004)
Dir: Mitch Rouse
Synopsis: “Director/Writer Mitch Rouse (Comedy Central's® "Strangers with Candy") brings you an outrageous dark comedy reminiscent of the Coen Brothers.

“When David Walsh (Matt Dillon) wakes up, his life is the picture of perfection: a beautiful fiancée, Sarah (Christina Applegate), and a dream job as a manager of a bank - even his best friend Jack (Steve Zahn), an incompetent con artist, can't bring him down. That is, until his entire life dissolves into chaos.

“Nothing can prepare him for the twists and turns his day takes when a bank robbery and millions of dollars become part of the day from hell

Employee of the Month (2006)
Dir: Greg Coolidge
Synopsis: “For years Zack Bradley (Dane Cook) has been working hard at hardly working at the local Super Club. That's until a hottie named Amy (Jessica Simpson) becomes the new cashier. After discovering she's willing to date the next guy to become ‘Employee of the Month’, Zack takes on current titleholder (Dax Shepard) in a super-smackdown to see who will win the honor - and Amy's heart - in this outrageous comedy that proves you can't succeed at life and love till you get your shift together.”

Advantage: Employee of the Month (2004)

There is no lesser a cast list than that of the 2006 film. Dane Cook? Jessica Simpson? Andy Dick? Yes, sign me up for that, please! The only truly offensive casting decision made by the 2004 film is Christina Applegate as the “beautiful” fiancée. Surely they could have snagged a prettier, more down-on-her-luck actress to throw money at? Plus, who the hell dates a guy only because he gets “employee of the month?” I got “employee of the month” three times when I worked at Pizza Hut in high school, and all I got was to make out in the walk-in cooler that one time with Heather something. Oh, Heather Something, what might have been ...

D.O.A. (1950/2006)

D.O.A. (1950)
Dir: Rudolph Mate
Synopsis: "Frank Bigelow, an L.A. accountant, takes a vacation to San Francisco to relax and womanize for a few days when he is slipped a slow-acting poison for which there is no antidote. The doctor's prognosis: he has forty-eight hours to live. Forty-eight hours to find his murderer!"

D.O.A. (2006)
Dir: Corey Yuen
Synopsis: "Filled with non-stop action, eye-popping martial arts stunt, and hot, ass-kicking women, DOA: Dead Or Alive follows a group of super-skilled fighters from across the globe invited to a remote Pacific island to compete for the $10 million title of World's Best Fighter. Led by pro-wrestler Jaime Pressly (My Name Is Earl) and ninja princess Devon Aoki (Sin City), the finalists must band together to defeat their sinister host. Featuring the high-octane direction of Cory Yuen (The Transporter), DOA: Dead Or Alive delivers a jaw-dropping, pulse-pounding, heart-stopping finish!"

Advantage: D.O.A. (2006)

Yes, I can hear it already; “But D.O.A. of 1950 is a classic film noir that pretty much helped to establish the genre.” D.O.A. 2006, though, has a volleyball scene with four girls in bikinis that will absolutely leave your jaw resting comfortably on the floor. It’s a fun film to watch, and it just might be one of the best video-game-to-film translations ever. Plus it’s got Kevin Nash pretty much playing himself. To put it in terms of a Miller’s Analogy:
D.O.A. 2006 : Vivid Video :: Maxim Magazine : Hustler.

Fearless (1993/2006)

Fearless (1993)
Dir: Peter Weir
Synopsis: "San Francisco architect Max Klein can see clearly now. He's been transformed ever since he stared death in the face - and discovered he was unafraid. Peter Weir directs Fearless, the vivid story of how a near-death experience impacts the lives of three people. Jeff Bridges plays Max , more widely alive and Isabella Rossellini is Laura, struggling to find in Max the man she married. And Rosie Perez, is a fellow crash survivor Carla: alive, yet devastated by a grievous loss. It seems no one can heal her pain. But then she meets the one person who fearlessly knows how."

Fearless (2006)
Dir: Ronny Yu
Synopsis: "Inspired by the story of a real-life hero, Fearless is a thrilling masterpiece from action superstar Jet Li. When an ill-advised fight destroys the reputation of a renowned martial arts champion (Li) and his family, his difficult path to redemption will bring him face-to-face with the most ferocious fighters in the world. Orchestrated by Yuen Wo Ping, the legendary chreographer of The Matrix and Kill Bill, this sensational, riveting epic is being described as 'astounding and visually stunning with brilliantly executed fight sequences' (Pete Hammond, Maxim)."

Advantage: Fearless (2006)

Supposedly, this film was Jet Li’s last film. But then the advertisements cleared that up, emphasizing that this was Jet Li’s last martial arts film. This was quickly followed by a retraction, stating that this was going to be Jet Li’s last period martial arts film; I even have the sticker on my DVD copy that echoes this claim. So, what the fuck is up with “The Warlords?” Or “Forbidden Kingdom?” “The Expendables” better be fucking gold, Li, or you’re on my list. Either way, I’ll take a lying ass Jet Li film over a Jeff Bridges chick-flick snotfest anyday. Besides, Rosie Perez has no business acting in films that don’t alternately have her shedding clothes to offset the wretchedness of her performances, and for that purpose, I’ve got “Dance With the Devil” and “White Men Can’t Jump,” which will do just fine.

Private Parts (1972/1997)

Private Parts (1972)
Dir: Paul Bartel
Synopsis: "Check out who's checked in at the musty old King Edward Hotel in a seedy section of L.A.: Cheryl, a runaway teen who hopes to piece her life together. Little does she know that someone at the hotel has a nasty little penchant for chopping people into pieces. Welcome, happy campers, to one of the screen's most bizarre works of camp filmmaking. Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul, Lust in the Dust) directs, guiding this loopy foray 'with the fervor of a carny barker at a freak show' (Jay Cocks, Time). Murder, fetishism, a dotty aunt, a sham clergyman, corny cops, a Peeping Tom and a guy who's a girl who goes nite-nite with a blow-up doll that has a photo of Cheryl's face taped to it - they're among the feverish parts of Private Parts. If you're without reservations, drop by the hotel."

Private Parts (1997)
Dir: Betty Thomas
Synopsis: "There's only one way to describe Howard Stern: funny. Private Parts captures Howard at his most hilarious, in a bare-all, no-jokes-barred look at a true entertainment sensation. Based on the #1 bestseller, Private Parts follows Howard's amazing transformation from school nerd to media superstar. With the tireless support of his true love, Alison (Mary McCormack), Howard battles slimy broadcasting execs, bitter radio jocks, and his own self-doubts to emerge triumphant as 'The King Of All Media.' Featuring sidekick Robin Quivers and the rest of Stern's radio gang, Private Parts is as uncompromising, honest, and flat-out funny as Howard Stern himself."

Advantage: Private Parts (1972)

I never could and probably never will give two squirting shits about Howard Stern. The 1972 film is on the list of 101 horror films that you should see before you die. The 1997 film starts off with Stern's performance as Fartman at the MTV Music Awards. The decision here is easy.

No comments: