Saturday, July 23, 2011

Captain America 102: Advanced Captain America

A baker's dozen of craptastic characters introduced in "Captain America." Because they can't all be Batrocs, Falcons, and Crossboneses.

First Appearance: Captain America #187

Humanoid; wears an outfit that secretes scorching oil.  Fires “alchemical” blasts from his hands.  Served Dredmund Druid (poorly); destroyed himself like any good video game boss would, as Captain America parried the Alchemoid’s alchemical blasts to strike the polyhedrons – from which the Alchemoid derived his power – that encircled the combat arena in which they were fighting.

Current Status: Indifferent
Threat Level: Low

First Appearance: Captain America #428
Secret Identity: Bart Gallows

Vigilante; carries .45 pistols, a baton, and a tactical knife.  Wears a bulletproof facemask, which might be Kevlar, which would be highly impractical.  Drives a van fitted for vigilantism or whatever.  Don’t we already have the Punisher?

Current Status: 80% of synaptic nerve endings destroyed by Thunderbolts agents.
Threat Level: Redundant

First Appearance: Captain America #308
Secret Identity: Antonio Rodriguez (not to be confused with the Kensington Strangler)

Human-animal superhuman hybrid; Armadillo is perhaps one of the worst failures in villainy and heroism, since whichever path he takes usually ends up falling far short.  Dude couldn’t even jump to his death correctly.  Wrestled for the Marvel universe’s resident pro wrestling league, Universal Class Wrestling Federation.  Also was in the Marvel UFC analogue, Universal Fighting League.  Also was a successful wrestler in Mexico.  Apparently, wrestling was this dude’s calling.

Current Status: Incarcerated
Threat Level: Lucha libre

Black Crow
First Appearance: Captain America #292
Secret Identity: Jesse Black Crow

Native American mystic hero; in his secret identity, he’s a paraplegic.  Magic infuses him not only with the power to fight crime, but also enables him to walk and park in the regular parking spots.  Good at teaming up with other Native American heroes (like Red Wolf) against Native American villains (like Puma).  Held off SHIELD for twelve hours until captured and incarcerated for not registering for the Superhuman Registration Act.

Current Status: In the sweat lodge
Threat Level: Hey-yayaya, hey-yayaya

First Appearance: Captain America #422
Only Apperance: Captain America #422
Secret Identity: Victor Lillian

Enhanced vigilante; self-proclaimed protector of quality of life for New York City residents.  Dude has a staff that shoots … something; also wears a monocle over his full-cover face mask.  Oh, and he’s named for a lip moistener.

Current Status: MIA
Threat Level: Soft & moist

 Blue Streak
First Appearance: Captain America #217
Secret Identity: Don Thomas

Enhanced supervillain, former spy; achieves superhuman speed by way of his modified roller skates.  So serious was the threat of Blue Streak, when he showed back up in Captain America’s series – 100 issues later! – more attention was given to Captaian America’s new motorcycle helmet (which, admittedly, was pretty snazzy).  Killed by Scourge, along with a bunch of other scab supervillains.

Current Status: Dirt nappin’
Threat Level: Nil

First Appearance: Cptain America #183
Secret Identity: Carlos Cabrera

Garrishly-dressed gang leader (yes, this dude led a street gang of Latino thugs); his outfit consisted of talons on his gloves & spurs on his feet.  Somehow, he outsmarted a Scourge operative.  However, he was obliterated in a metahuman MMA event by Puma.

Current Status:  Cock-a-doodle dead
Threat Level: Late

First Apperance: Captain America #302
Secret Identity: Ferdinand Lopez

Mercenary; skilled with a certain type of edged weaponry, although I can’t recall what it’s called.  Member of Batroc’s Brigade.  Particularly skilled at killing with knives; throwing knives, small knives, double-edged knives, long knives, knives knives knives knives knives.  I think he was killed by some other super powered villain.

Current Status: Dull & rusty
Threat Level: NOT Danny Trejo

First Appearance: Captain America #307

Insane metahuman prankster-based hero/villain; flipped out at the death of his family (doesn’t everyone?).  He’s able to regenerate his injuries, since healing factors are pretty popular to have; also, anyone he makes eye contact with suffers from temporary insanity.  An Ambush Bug/ Deadpool level of superhuman, often distracting himself & his opponent with (attempts at) humor, often exhibits the self-awareness that he’s in a comic book, so, yay, another one of those.

Current Status: “Pleasantly loony”
Threat Level: Asshole

First Appearance: Captain America #325
Secret Identity: Ulysses S. Lugman

Fat crime lord; weighed in at 1068 lbs.  Bullets couldn’t penetrate his flesh.  Favorite technique for doing away with enemies or those who disappoint him: Suffocating them in the folds of his pancake titties.  Was, for some ungodly reason, replaced by a Skrull during the “Secret Invasion;” no word on what the overall master plan for that impersonation was, but I imagine it was quite poorly planned.

Current status: Morbidly obese
Threat level: Lapband

First Appearance: Captain America #160
Secret Identity: Silas King

Mutant; absorbed light to use as a concussive force.  Teamed up with a few other slack-asses from Project: Pegasus, one of which killed him by reanimating the corpse of a despised prison guard.  Did nothing of note with his time in Cap’s crosshairs.

Current Status: Not a Man of the Atom
Threat Level: Global warming

Team America
First Appearance: Captain America #269

More mutants, on motorcycles even; Cowboy, Wolf, Wrench, Hondo, and R.U. Reddy (yep, really) have no individual powers, but collectively they can imbue a person in the surrounding area with supernatural motorcycle powers, putting this person in a trance and in the guise of the “Midnight Marauder.”  Their powers were revealed in a showdown with Ghost Rider.

Current Status: Competing on the racing circuit as the Thunderiders; this probably had more to do with the film “Team America: World Police” than anything in the Marvel universe.
Threat Level: Training wheels

First Appearance: Captain America #272
Secret Identity: Edward Whelan

Rat-faced git; has the appearance, skills, and proportionate strength of a rat.  Major contribution was that he played a major part in Kraven’s last hunt of Spider-Man.  Has a propensity for kidnapping women, probably eating them too.  Has the ability to mentally control rats, making him the Aquaman of the sewers.

Current Status: Rabid
Threat Level: Hungry for cheese

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