Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Staycation 2011: Day 2

8:30a – Fuck you Wells Fargo, and your takeover of Wachovia. I can see a call to corporate in the very near future; what I can’t see, however, is my fucking paycheck, that should have been cheerfully deposited in my account well before now.

Fucking transition of funds. So glad to see that doing all that bullshit to “get ready for the move” (their words) from Wack-ovia to Wells Fucko so far in advance would result in you still being shitty in the handling of my money.

10:00a – Incidentally, I missed the last half or so of Raw last night, right before Nash came to the ring, which is the one part that I wanted to see and yet didn’t have the foresight to record through DVR. The promise of Nash vs. Punk over an open mic on live TV is too great a pull to resist, and yet recaps indicate that it fell short of what my own expectations are. So, nothing missed; I’m off to Orangeburg to right a financial wrong.

2:00p – Motherfucker, Orangeburg is truly the devil’s fucking armpit! I got turned around several different times, so I ended up spending about four hours looking for one place, but I figured while there I’d go to about four or five other places looking for movies and shit. One such place was Wal-Mart, which, say what you will about the beacon of the Walton empire, once you’ve lived long enough in a place where the greatest retail presence is Dollar General, you will drop to your knees for a rollback on two-for-one garden shears, regardless of the presence of a garden in your life, or lack thereof.

I also ended up at Big Lots, which usually has a fair selection of movies for cheap, and this one was no different. Wait, didn’t I just buy some movies? Hey, don’t judge me, I don’t come to your house and pick apart your stamp collection or whatever. Anyway, picked up the Watchmen-attached “motion comic” “Tales of the Black Freighter,” an expanded collector’s edition of “Get Shorty,” “The Many Deaths of Ian Stone” (the last film produced by the late special effects guru Stan Winston), and “Man for All Seasons” (because I’m a sucker for medieval docudramas from the ‘60s & ‘70s … again with the judging!!!).

I noticed that there was a crazy, and I mean CRAZY!, abundance of copies of “Brokeback Mountain.” I took this as good evidence as any that Orangeburg is by no means a fan of the queerin’. This observation brought about the memory that, when Heath Ledger died, I read several comments on major news sites that some general public folk were stating that God had taken him because of his role in that film, which strongly conflicted with the other side of his death that some major news outlets were going for, the idea that, by getting into this psychopathic role of the Joker for “Dark Knight,” he was driven to death by some sort of psychological “demons.” When, in fact, he died because he couldn’t read the medicine bottle labels on whatever shit he was prescribed.

I actually spent a good bit of time at a couple of other places, snapping up movies hither and thither. Two Fred’s joints had “Romasanta: The Wolf Hunter” and “Houdini.” Also managed to grab the 2-disc edition of “Batman” from 1989.

2:15p – Oh, sonuvabitch! You know what hurts? A whittling cut! That’s what fucking hurts! I’m almost finished with this paper carousel I’m making for the little squirt, so while glue dries in all the essential places, I’m trying to smooth out these pieces of wood so I can make her some wind chimes for her very own (don’t tell her, it’s a secret!); she likes the ones at the window, and she asks almost every day if she can play with them, so she’s getting her own … if I can keep from cutting my fucking fingers off in the process.

3:00p – The alarm goes off to remind me that I have a meeting for the part-time faculty at USC at 6:00p. I am sitting here listening to the old SGM mixtapes mp3s, thinking that I’d like to remaster them, take all the good parts (or parts that I like, at any rate), redo them, re-remix them, take out the filler, and make them into one huge, 80 min. major audio experience. I’d maybe even break them up into tracks, for the recording of said file onto CD. But, first, I need to turn off that annoying ass alarm.

7:30p – Meeting of the adjunct faculty went off pretty well. I’m the youngest in the room, by a long shot. Everyone else in the room was in their early 50s at least. It’s funny to be the Flavor Flav of any group, to sit back and listen to how other adults spend their time; things like golf, coaching high school debate teams, traveling out of the country. One asked me about the copious amount of band-aids on my fingers, and I told them they were the result of whittling injuries incurred by carving a set of homemade wind chimes. “So, I guess that means technically, I stabbed myself.” Not even a sympathy chuckle. At least they served us brownies.

9:00p – Tuesdays, for as long as I can remember, have been the day that new entertainment media gets released, so, again, since I fuckin’ LOVE movies, I like to see what comes out that I might be interested in picking up. Decided I’d do something a little different, and see what comes out today that I wouldn’t pick up if you paid me. I think that would go a little something … like this:

- Ten Pimp Commandments: Hmm, I wonder what those would consist of? 1: Thou shalt not let thou bitches keep thine money? 2: Thou love shalt be quite unlike that of a square's?  What are these written on, stone hubcaps?  Kinda makes me glad that “pimpin’” is fading from the vernacular as meaning something “cool” or “interesting.” Nothing’s cool or interesting about the subjugation and practical enslavement of women for their use as mere sex objects. The final nail in this coffin will be when someone finally put a 9mm through the sternum of Kat Williams. Unfunny, Buckwheat-lookin’ motherfucker.

- Malibu Shark Attack: As much as the premise intrigues me, I’m guessing there will be little gore, little bloodshed, and therefore little reason to watch it.  This seems like it would be far inferior to "Swamp Shark."

- Jorge el Curioso: Yep, Curious George, in Spanish! In the next life, I want to be named Jorge (“Hor-hey”).

- Maryland Deathfest II: Electric Boogaloo? It amazes me that there was a Maryland Deathfest I. According to Amazon, this stars “Metal.” Well, goddamn …

- Amy Winehouse - In Concert 2007: Whew, 2007. If it was 2010, Christ, do not want! If I want drooling, monosyllabic, stumbling around, I would have never moved out of Newport, TN, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And as for watching drunks …

- Edison Death Machine: A zombie film, with the premise that super-scientist Thomas Edison invented a machine that could raise the dead. On the cover, there’s some notification that this thing won some award, and you might get excited that this was at some major movie convention like Cannes or Sundance, until you read the fine print and see that it won “Best Special Effects – Fright Night Films Festival.”

- Dave Grohl – Man with the Midas Touch: Midas touch? So, “the man with the completely unsatisfying sex life,” eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more!

- Bbuddah… Hoga Terra Baap: Cannot possibly be as interesting as this image makes it look:

Threat Level: Chuck Norris

- Smoke Screen: The inclusion of Jaime Pressly insures a complete stay-away mandate for me. Sweet Jesus, have you seen her old Axe commercials? “Axe cleans yore bawls?” Judas wept, that bitch sucked and fucked her way to Hollywood, and THAT’s the culmination of her efforts? Hell, she could have sucked and fucked me and she would have gotten the same results. But she didn't, and that’s perhaps why I don’t like her, HAW! …

- Everyone Loves Mel: Great, a Dollar Tree level animated film about a tortoise, voiced by Ernest Borgnine.

This has been “Ten Movies Coming Out Today That I Wouldn’t Watch, If They Were on TV for Free.” I’m your host, Reid Boccini.

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