Ricky Morton -- Prisoner for Life?

The legal situation surrouning the incarceration of one Richard J. Morton, professional wrestler and Southern icon, continues to amaze. While the eyes and ears of the national media await indictments in the Valerie Plame CIA leak case, the real judicial tragedy is taking place in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

Ricky Morton is, if media reports are true, hopelessly imprisoned without the possibility of parole, bail, or a reduced sentence. Freedom activists and human rights groups have combined their forces to open http://helprickymorton.org . In the tradition of other politically-motivated freedom sites like freemumia.org, freepeltier.org, helprickymorton.org attempts to elevate the social consciousness of its readers and educate them on the harshness and improporiety of the judicial system.

The introductory page of helprickymorton.org lays out the case for freeing Ricky Morton as soon as possible. To quote "As many of you know Ricky is currently jailed in Murfreesboro, TN and will not be released until we can raise $74,465 in his behalf. Ricky is not a dead beat dad, he's just a victim of adverse circumstances beyond his control."

As any thinking individual knows, nearly $75,000 is a difficult sum for anyone to raise in a short time. With the exception of Oral Roberts, who extorted 8 million dollars from an unsuspecting audience after having a near-death experience with a 900 foot Jesus figure, very few individuals have been able to draw anywhere near this amount of money anytime soon. One notable exception is William Jefferson Clinton, whose legal defense team raised millions of dollars to fight indictments stemming from the Monica Lewinsky and Whitewater scandals. Since Clinton is ultimately responsible for the incarceration of Ricky Morton to begin with, it is unlikely that the former President will lend a hand to bailing Morton out of jail.

Helprickymorton.org continues to establish a strong, airtight case for Morton's release. They argue that "Ricky is the primary caretaker of his four year old son Kerry James. This little boy is currently with his grandparents and missing his daddy more than words can describe." Followed by the standard anti-prison excuse that "Ricky has also been waging a battle outside the ring with various health issues
that have him on several medications. We are worried that his condition will get
progressively worse if he doesn't receive proper medical treatment."

Reading helprickymorton.org leads one to believe that the Tennessee penal system is harsh, brutal, and indubitably unfair. For these reasons, the good people of the United States must rally to Help Ricky Morton. Clinton, scared that the helprickymorton.org drive will cause a groundswell of public opinion to free the former Rock N Roll Express member. Using his residual influence as former President, and his connections with longtime Tennessee politician Albert Gore, Jr., Clinton is doing everything in his power to keep Morton incarcerated until after the 2008 Presidential election, when another scion of the South will rise to draw Dixie back into the Democratic Party where it belongs.

Fortunately for the good people of the United States and Ricky Morton himself, the webmaster of helprickymorton.org and the Tennessee wrestling community is taking direct and forceful action to raise the $75,000 necessary to free the once-great icon of Southern masculinity. For only $20, you can buy a copy of Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine autographed by Ricky himself. Another $20 will place your bid on an autographed poster of the Rock N Roll Express, prominently showcasing Robert Gibson's lazy eye and the terrible decade of fashion that was the 1980s. A bid of $40 gets you a copy of the autobiography of Jimmy "Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant, a barely literate pro wrestler that has shocked and awed crowds for decade with his downward spiral of weight loss and bad facial tatoos.

Helprickymorton.org has a vision. If they only sell 3,750 posters or guitars, Ricky will be a free man yet again. If they sell 1875 copies of the Valiant autobiography, Ricky will walk amongst us once more. The airtight strategy to raise money by exploiting Morton's Southern icon status is ingenious and will doubtless lead to the exoneration of Ricky Morton, as the massive amounts of wrestling fans will come to the assistance of one of their most beloved heroes.