When Zombies Attack #10 -- Cracker Barrel

The first in a sporadic ongoing series.

As someone who is always prepared for the worst, I have recently been searching for the best places to be when zombies attack. This is not an attempt to recreate the "How to Survive a Zombie Attack" phenomenon that hit a few years ago. As far as I am concerned, everyone knows how to survive a zombie attack (i.e. stay inside, don't have sex, and shoot for the head). Rather, this project is a list of the best places to survive a zombie attack. The places on this list have chosen tactical advantages and resources necessary to beat back an invading zombie army.

Cracker Barrel country store and restaurant is number 10 on the list of best places to be when zombies attack. By its very design (which is identical no matter which Cracker Barrel you are in), the place is an impregnible fortress against the living dead. Let's look at the advantages:

1. Food. You are in a restaurant for crying out loud! This is where you want to be if you have to buckle down for a month or so and wait out an unholy apocalypse. Assuming the power stays on, you should have a good supply of deep fried chicken, deep fried fish, deep fried potatoes, and deep fried salads to provide nourishment. If the power is out, the country store part has enough nonperishable candy to keep you on a sugar high for a good three weeks. Next to a grocery store, this is the place to be if you are hungry for something other than brains.

2. The Country Store. Since Cracker Barrel's entire premise is designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator, the country store would serve as a good distraction to the zombies who have managed to make it through the front door. All one needs to do is turn on some of the electronic wind-up crap they sell and place it near the door to keep the mindless victims of the netherworld amused for a good five hours. I'm convinced that the zombie attention span is about 10 times longer than that of a standard-issue mindless human, so this will buy you time to find another strategy for survival.

3. Access to weapons. Based on my experiences at the Cracker Barrel, there is no other place on the planet besides an army surplus store that has as many shotguns and hunting rifles as a Cracker Barrel parking lot. While getting them will involve leaving the safety of the main building, you are guaranteed to find numerous firearms within 30 feet of the back door. This will make your journey easier if you lose your appetite for fried foods on day 60 of the zombie siege.

The potential downsides to being in a Cracker Barrel do not outweigh the positives. For example, all Cracker Barrels have windows throughout, but most of these have shades that can easily be pulled. Since they don't have tablecloths, it will be more difficult to have things to douse in gas and light on fire to distract the zombies, but since the country store sells crappy quilts, this is not an issue. The only way that Cracker Barrel would be a bad place is if the zombies are all from the South. At that point, experts say, their only words would be "GRITS......NEED MORE.....GRITS!" Then, you would be totally screwed.