Wrestlemania 23 review

I was sick, thanks to my liver enzymes being 6x higher than anyone else's who may be reading this, unless you have cirrhosis or hepatitis (neither of which I have, har-de-har), so I didn't get to watch this with my boys.

Ken Kennedy wins the Money In The Bank - A 2 1/2 count. Can't say I didn't call the outcome, even though on here, I had 3 guys picked to win it. But my money was on Kennedy the whole time. His post-match interview made my wife a huge fan, between "blah blah blah blah BLAH~!" and "Misteeeeeer Money in the Bank .... bank." Oh yeah, and "Nice guys always finish last ... thank GOD, I'm not a nice guy," which should be a Quote to Live By. I kept thinking how much more interesting a ladder match would be if they used one of those 8-ladders-in-one things that's always getting pitched on QVC.

Khali d. Kane - Whew, a sub-1 count.
My wife: "This is the 'gotta check the laundry' match."

My wife, re: the Great Khali: "His chin gets in the ring about a foot before he does."

My wife, re: the Great Khali: "I'd rather watch Khali fight Big Show."

My wife, re: the Great Khali: "Look at his teeth. I bet he has trouble with corn on the cob."

My wife, re: the Great Khali: "Why does he go by the name of a dog?" Me: "A dog's name?" My wife: "Yeah, like Lassie; wasn't Lassie a collie?"

(I think this was her first time seeing the Great Khali.)

Chris Benoit d. MVP - I'm saying this is a 2 3/4 match; if the crowd was more into it, and there was a better storyline going into it, it would have been a 3 count, hands down. MVP looked AMAZING, definitely bringing his Mania game to the dance. Good psychology, good use of 10-15 minutes of match time, good counter- and chain-wrestling, this one may have had it all.

Undertaker d. Batista to become the World Heavyweight champion - 2 3/4. Strong brawling match, but again, the outcome was mighty expected. The powerslam through ECW's announce table was nice. During the Taker/Batista punch exchange, the crowd worked in a nice "boo" / "yay" / "boo" / "yay" chant. And yes, they were saying "yay." Who says "yay" anymore?

ECW old school d. ECW new breed - 2 count. This was just there. I started thinking that, if I actually thought Sabu was going to be asked to stick around for a while longer, I'd love to see him and Khali as a tag team. Sandman clotheslined Elijah Bjork over the top rope and Bjork's braids EXPLODED! No POOOUUUNNNCE-AH! at the big dance, though.

Lashley d. Umaga, so Trump d. McMahon - 2 count. Actually, not a bad bit of brawling between Lashley & Umaga, so by itself it would have probably been a fine match. Umaga made me super happy by spiking Austin, and it played out psychology-wise as what Austin deserved for fishhooking Umaga's eye ... Umaga thought he was swinging at Lashley. This unfortunately led to some overbooked shit, but in the end, Mcmahon went bald & looked like a drive-by bukkake victim with all the shaving cream on his head and face, and Austin stunned Trump. Austin's shirt should read, "Arrive. Pretend it's 1998. Leave."

Melina d. Ashley - 1 count. I kept begging during the all-girl brawl, "C'mon titty, c'mon TITTY!" Alas, nothing.

Cena d. Michaels - 3 count. This match delivered and then some, but honestly, it could have learned a thing or two from Benoit/MVP, namely selling (Cena's leg has mutant healing powers) and a bit of pacing, as Cena & Michaels padded out their near-30 minutes on the grand stage with a whole lot of stalling. They must have known Cena would get the ass-end of the fan response and said, "Uh uh, fuck that," and Michaels built up Cena as a hero, which I kind of expected. The piledriver(!) on the steps(!!) came out of nowhere. Cena goes to make up with his boyfriend Shawn at the end, but Michaels is all "Hell, naw, my job was to make you look good and that's over so I'm going to go read the bible," and Cena's all, "Well, I salute you, even though I've never seen a minute of military service," and now there's gonna be drama on Monday night.

In the off chance this is the last Wrestlemania I ever see, I can't say I was disappointed.