Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Jake is going to need to pick up the pace

if he wants to be rap's fat Elvis.

Deeply depressed rapper Eminem has become a virtual recluse, comfort eating his way towards obesity. The once skinny Slim Shady...has ballooned up to 14.5 stone (203 lbs). Eminem...survives on a diet of calorie busting Mexican takeaways and heart clogging fillet minion steak. He thinks nothing of eating the same food day in day out, ordering from a nearby posh restaurant and paying for his army of hangers-on...He usually gets up at dawn but instead of working on new songs in his home studio he lolls around watching TV or playing mind-numbing computer games.

I'd be smartass and say that if I had Eminem's money I'd loll around all day watching TV or playing video games, but I do that anyway and I don't have Em's money. I suppose this is the logical result of growing up in a trailer park and then achieving and almost-improbably sustaining wild success nearly overnight. I'd feel bad for the guy, but there are worse ways to go.


Nate said...

I'd feel badd, too, if he didn't fall into that category of "performers that will hopefully get what's coming to them." And if Eminem dies on the toilet, grasping lovingly on a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, hey, he probably got what was coming to him.

Rev. Joshua said...

I don't know that Eminem necessarily has anything coming to him, but that's just me.

Ron said...

Is 203 really that heavy? I've got him by like 15 pounds.

That seems akin to saying a size 2 is fat on an actress.

Jake Palumbo said...

I'm with the Rev. on this one, I don't think Slim Shady has anything coming to him. If anything, that's probably the natural progression, i.e. "Where do you go from here?"

After you've went from being Michigan trailer trash who can't feed his daughter, to accomplishing everything Em did in less than 10 years, and you've got the bank to live for the rest of your life...where the fuck do you go from there? I guess you eat Doritos and play Xbox. Way too much.

According to Royce da 5'9" (who might be biased since they fell out and all), Eminem has no real friends in the music biz, save for Proof who was killed this past year. I've heard in interviews w/ certain folks that privately, he is a really weird, quiet dude that few people really know.

While admittedly I haven't really liked much of his recent music, his first couple of albums were no joke. He was EVERYBODY'S favorite rapper when he dropped. Period. Dude was just that nice.

And for the record, I am doubling my efforts to become rap's fat Elvis. I'd planned this whole less-intoxicants-more-excersize thing for '08, but no one will beat me to the 1st Chris Farley death in hip-hop.

I've arranged to buy some fishscale, I've contacted several ho's I went out with last year, my assistant is searching for the nearest Golden Corrall, and I'm going to try and get collared for something this weekend, try and use my PBA card to get out of it, and spend 72 hours in lockup. When I get out, I want one of you to give me the classic "It used to be about the music, maaaaaaaan" intervention.

Rev. Joshua said...

Is 203 really that heavy? I've got him by like 15 pounds.

That seems akin to saying a size 2 is fat on an actress.

According to the article, Em is 5' 7". If I recall correctly, you're taller than I am and I'm 5' 11". I weigh about 190 pounds and most of it is in my abdomen and my chest is a bit flabby, but my arms and legs are still thin. Someone 4 inches shorter than me with an additional 10-15 pounds is probably going to look like a pear, especially if that weight is fatty tissue and not muscle mass.