Friday, February 15, 2008

Here's some Nitro.

Ready for a review of Nitro? I didn't think so.

Well first of all let me say that it’s great to be here and to be able to contribute to SGM. I’ve been a regular visitor to the site for quite some time now and I’ve finally been able to put myself into a position to add a little something of my own. For those of you who don’t know, I’m originally from the Midwest. Central Ohio to be specific. (Go Buckeyes) When I was fifteen, I moved to East Tennessee, came up with Rev. Josh and Jake Palumbo in Morristown, and paid my dues working the bush league indie circuit at ETSU. Now I live and work in Brooklyn for a well-meaning, but often maligned evil corporation, which shall remain nameless. Actually no it won’t. I’m gonna air out some dirty laundry about The Job at some point as well. My original plan was to do a weekly review of WWE Smackdown, but I work a crazy schedule that usually keeps me from seeing Vince’s programming. However on a brighter note, I do have access to WWE 24/7. This is the greatest channel ever invented. Seeing as how WWE kind of sucks for the most part these days, I’m just gonna review old shit match by match and pretend like it’s not 2008, we are not in the seventh year of W’s administration, and Sting is still out to ‘get’ Ric Flair for what he did. Or whatever the case may be. You get the idea. Thanks for having me.

Yes the Monday Night Wars were great times to be a rasslin’ fan! Let’s take a trip down memory lane to June 2, 1997. Let’s watch some Nitro. The show begins with the nWo porno music as Scott Hall and Syxx make their way to the ring. Hall has both tag titles around his waist. I guess Syxx wasn’t allowed to touch the belts. Hall and Syxx remind everybody that the nWo is the reason TNT is the most watched channel since blab la blah bla. Hall asks Syxx if he remembers punking out Kevin Greene at Slamboree. A hearty laugh is had by all. Then Hall takes a dump on Ric Flair. He calls Flair a has-been, a worn out recording of your favorite song. The crowd isn’t happy. Suddenly JJ Dillon comes sprinting down the aisle toward the ring and Hall starts to take his shirt off, selling it like there’s gonna be a fight! Nope. It’s just time for a patented JJ Dillon announcement! Dillon tells Hall that he should be careful what he says about the Nature Boy. Dillon says he spoke to Flair on the phone just a few minutes ago! Hall laughs and asks how things are going in Charlotte. Dillon shrugs and says he doesn’t know because as we speak Ric Flair is 30,000 feet above the Earth in a Leer Jet rocketing towards Dayton Ohio! This kind of confuses me. What does that have to do with anything? Then I realize that Nitro is coming to us live from Dayton! Something nobody mentioned when the show came on. I love WCW! Then basically Dillon says that Hall must face Flair tonight or forfeit the tag team titles. A match is made.

The Nitro opening credits roll and the announce team of Tony Schiavone and Larry Zbysko welcome us to the show amidst a thunderous volley of pyro and light show, the heat from which is promptly killed by the entrance of Alex Wright. Schiavone sincerely tells us that the temperature in the arena has just plummeted upon the entrance of Wright’s opponent Glacier! The match is mercifully short as Glacier goes over in about two minutes via a superkick. James Vandenberg appears in the entranceway and he apparently has possession of Glacier’s prized Samurai helmet! This infuriates Glacier! But the distraction works as Mortis and Wrath appear from the crowd. Mortis, Wrath, and Alex Wright try the triple team on Glacier. But Glacier is so fired up about that helmet, that he downs all three men and chases Vandenberg out of the arena. Wow!

Joe Gomez makes his way to the ring and his hair looks fantastic. He’ll be taking on Buff Bagwell who is accompanied by Scott Norton. The match is a catch as catch can affair. I won’t even try to convey with words. Norton’s outside interference helps Buff go over whilst keeping Joe Gomez’s amazing heat alive.

We cut to Mike Tenay who lets us know that an ISKA (International Sport Karate Association) phenom, as well as former football standout Ernest “The Cat” Miller has shown interest in coming to the WCW! He’s even invited us to witness a karate sparring session next week on Nitro. I can’t wait!
Hugh Morrus makes his way to the ring but never quite gets there as Konnan brutally attacks him from behind with a BROOM. Oh the brutality. The trainer comes out and tries to convince Morrus to call it a night but Morrus decides that even though he’s not a hunnerd percent he’s gonna give the people what they want and have his scheduled match with Prince Iaukea! Sadly though this thing never really gets off the ground. Iaukea gets the easy win but I think Morrus might have had a chance if not for Konnan!

Mean Gene is standing by with JJ Dillon who lets us know that Ric Flair is in the building. Gene asks Dillon who will be the number one contenders for the tag team titles after the upcoming Great American Bash. Dillon says that the executive committee has researched this extensively and decided that it will probably be the Steiner Brohers if they win tonight against nWo Japan. Harlem Heat comes out and bitches about this development. But Dillon doesn’t want to hear it. He walks away. Just like the fans must be tempted to do.

Cut to an inspirational vignette from DDP in a gym. He says he went 0-79 in his first 79 matches as a wrestler. He appears to be intoxicated. He says he went from losing all those matches to beating Randy Savage last month. I can almost smell him through my TV. He says he can do it again at Great American Bash. He staggers out of the gym into the night.

Masahiro Chono and some other Jap come to the ring. They will be facing the Steiners. Rick and Scott. Not Big Poppa Pump Scott but the “Me and my brother Rick…” Scott. Schiavone tells us no less than three times that this is a BIG TIME match. Oh the other Asian is The Great Muta. He was wearing a mask when he came out so I didn’t recognize him. And there was no graphic with their names. And Schiavone didn’t bother to say their names. Pretty watchable match. Lots of big power moves and suplexes. Then the Harlem Heat runs in and costs the Steiners the match! JJ Dillon comes out and Harlem Heat confront Dillon. Since the Steiners lost, Harlem Heat must be no. 1 contenders. Dillon stutters and stammers about extenuating circumstances. And it’s clear that JJ Dillon hates black people.

It’s time for hour number two! Zbysko has been swapped out for Bobby Heenan and things are looking better already. Then we have a 47 minute recap of hour one. Mean Gene is standing by as Ric Flair comes out dressed to the nines and high on crystal methamphetamine. Flair screams and raves like a lunatic that Hall’s biggest mistake was coming to TV without Kevin Nash. WHOOOOOO!

Dean Malenko and Mr. Wallstreet wrestle each other for five solid minutes. Malenko goes over with his patented Texas Cloverleaf to retain his US Heavyweight Title. Jeff Jarrett is ringside and he’s not happy about this. Jarrett cuts a promo, and demands a match with Malenko next week. Malenko agrees. Mongo McMichael comes out and verbally slaughters both Jarrett, Kevin Greene, and the English language all at once. What a program!
Harlem Heat are in the ring to wrestle Ciclope and Damian. The Steiners come out to return the favor from earlier. They help the two lowly little Mexicans find a win. And that’s not my spin. Brain really plays up the fact that these nobodies came all the way from Mexico to beat Booker and Stevie Ray.

Hall comes out with Syxx. Flair makes his entrance with a Scarlett and Gray robe. It’s gotta be a nod to all the Buckeyes fans in the audience. From jump street, it’s obvious that these two men are a cut above. The crowd is at pay per view level noise as Hall starts with the patented toothpick to the face. Flair lays in with punches and chops that Hall sells for everything he’s got. Nobody sells better than Scott Hall. Nobody. These guys really lay into each other. Hall and Syxx break out Cheating 101 and it’s great. Flair fights back. Hall’s chest is hamburger. Eventually Syxx’s interference is too much and the ref disqualifies Hall. Syxx and Hall destroy Flair despite the bell. Steve McMichael comes in for the save and the crowd boos McMichael. Jarrett is there out of concern for Flair as well.

Cut to the booth where the announcers break down the ramifications of tonight’s show. nWo music hits again and Macho Man comes out with Gene Okerlund under protest. Savage demands a chance to speak. Okerlund threatens to get in contact with his attorney Mark Goldfarb after we get off the air tonight. This is very humiliating for Gene Okerlund I guess. Savage threatens to knock out Mean Gene if he doesn’t hold the mic while Savage cuts his promo. They go to the ring. Miss Elizabeth is there too. She looks great when she’s alive. Savage bullies Mean Gene in the ring. JJ Dillon comes out for the thirty-seventh time tonight. Nobody cares. Dillon says that Savage is never to put his hands on a WCW announcer again and demands that Savage apologize to Mean Gene. Dillon calls MG the Dean of Wrestling Journalists. Dillon uses the word ‘alcove’ in his promo and Macho Man promptly punches him in the face. I’m assuming it’s out of confusion. Several security guards and Eric Bischoff run in to pull Savage off. Bischoff screams at Dillon that he brought this upon himself. He’s unleashed the madness! “Snap into this!” he screams as we’re out of time.
And that’s all we have for this episode. You’ll have to forgive any typos or insensitivities because prior to my review of Nitro, I was drinking Jack Daniels to prepare me for my review of Nitro.


Jake Palumbo said...

Nice intro, you left out the part about being a devout Mormon though.

Yoooo...Joe Gomez!!! He was gonna be #5 in my Top 10 Jobbers From WCW Saturday Night. Damn, I really need to finish that, 6 months later...

WWE 24-7 IS in fact the dopest innovation in television today, and one of the few reasons I feel OK paying the cable bill. I wave my private parts at those who don't have it. So welcome aboard, and keep this retro rasslin' coming, cause I don't want to swallow the pill that it's 2008 either.

Nate said...

Glacier ... Blood runs cold.

That shit's good times.

Rev. Joshua said...

Nice start. I like the idea that Randy Savage punched out J.J. Dillion in a confused rage.