Review: "King Kong" remake v2.0

or, 8 Reasons Why Peter Jackson's "Kong" Remake Sucked Curdled Milk From A Rotten Tit In The First Three Hours (Out Of Four)

1. Jack Black. Worse yet, Jack Black's "Carl Denham as mad genius" close-ups.

2. In the original "Kong" film, Fay Wray portrayed Ann Darrow as damsel in distress; portrayed by Naomi Watts, Ann Darrow becomes some random slutty monkey fucker.

3. The film decides to include as much CGI monkey-on-dinosaur gore violence, but fails to include the scene out of the original "Kong" where the giant ape sticks his finger in Ann's hoo-haa and sniffs it (which Naomi Watts' Ann Darrow might have LOVED that).

4. Never hire a group of people who would be capable of making some of the worst decisions you'd never think were possible. Friend covered in gigantic cockroaches? Grab a machine gun and shoot at him. Fleeing the gigantic gorilla with your girlfriend in tow? Climb down the vine that dangles precariously over the side of a cliff and ends hundreds feet up from nothing. Big monkey trying to rape you? Run towards him, not away from him. Giant snake in the river about to attack your boat? Shoot at it with your machine gun, but follow its path while still shooting, even when it goes under the makeshift raft that you're standing on. The film clearly ignores Darwin's basics, like, oh, survival of the fittest ... and none of those bitches are fit.

5. A huge bottle of chloroform thrown & shattered in the face of a giant monkey will not knock him unconscious. Chloroform has a very rapid rate of evaporation, and if it's not held in its liquid state (say, by pouring it in a rag), it dissipates incredibly fast.

6. Kong's fight against three Tyrannosaurus Rexes (or, Tyrannosauri, if you prefer), as he holds Ann Darrow in his clutches, is high fucking comedy.

7. We're three hours into this film's four hour running time, and still in the fucking jungle. The original film is 104 minutes, and half of that is in the fucking jungle.

8. Adrian Brody did this film hopped up on ambien or that green butterfly shit or some other such narcotic sleep meds, 'cause he just looks so sleeeeeepeeeeee ....

Wow, the interesting part is, I only watched about 30 minutes of this four hour opus, and was able to cull out eight reasons why this movie is the screaming, runny shits. I bet at the end, Ann Darrow tries her best to rescue Kong, instead of what you and me and Fay Wray's Ann Darrow did or would do, and that's run like a motherfucker in the general direction of Canada until the coast is clear.