[Lucha] Ten reasons why I love AAA lucha libre on Galavision, pt. 1

... besides the hoochie ring girls.

1. Aero Star’s three insane dives: The luchadore named Aero Star is, in a word, incredible. In fourteen more words, he’s the most fantastic high flier I’ve seen since the glory days of WCW’s cruiserweight division. He has three main dives that, even though I’ve seen them over and over again, I don’t get sick of them, and yet I pray ever time he takes flight that he doesn’t fuck himself up, because it would be extremely easy:

- “The torpedo:” A plancha, where Aero dives through the ropes onto his opponent on the floor, flying head first, his body almost perfectly straight, with his arms firmly held at his sides;

- “The Nestea plunge:” A leap from the apron, where Aero bounces off the middle rope, his back to his opponent(s), and he bounds backwards, his arms out in T-formation, toppling his opponents (and even teammates); and,

- “The cannonball:” A splash of sorts, where he jumps backwards toward his opponents, who are again on the floor, and Aero curls his body into a tight roll, as if he’s were flying off the diving board into a pool, and he doesn’t unfold his body until he lands.

Any three of these dives are incredible to watch, although all three could, if not performed perfectly by Aero and his opponent, would lead to a broken neck, broken spine, or any variety of destroyed limbs or internal squishy shit. And perhaps that’s why I watch Aero Star matches with the same interest that I watch “World’s Wildest Police Chases.”

2. The ongoing saga of Billy Boy/ Fabi Apache/ Gran Apache: Here’s the scorecard, before we get started: Billy Boy is romantically linked on and off with Fabi Apache, in both shoot and kayfabe terms. Gran Apache is Fabi’s father. I’ve been watching lucha regularly for the past two years, and I have seen Billy Boy sent packing because he lost a loser-leaves-town match against Gran Apache; the subsequent appearance of a masked luchadore named Alfa (who happened to have the same build as Billy Boy); a burgeoning mentor/student relationship build between Gran Apache and Alfa, as well as a teased romance angle between Alfa & Fabi; Alfa unmasked to be *gasp* Billy Boy; an injury angle from Gran Apache to attempt to get Fabi back to the rudo side; the in-ring debut of Fabi’s sister Mary; the strain in the relationship between Billy and Fabi due to some in-ring miscommunication that has led to some key defeats; and, very recently, a tag match between Gran Apache (who hates Billy Boy and mistrusts Fabi) and Fabi (who is angry at Gran and mistrusts Billy), against Billy Boy (who hates Gran and loves Fabi) and Mary (who hates Billy, is jealous of Fabi, and loves Gran). I'm waiting for the certainly impending kidnap of Baby Apache (Fabi and Billy Boy's kid) by Gran Apache.

Exploding limos and leprechaun sons, my fucking ass.

3. Billy Mays commercials: Oh, thank you, Spanish language, for being elusive to the tongue of Billy Mays. English Billy Mays commercials have him screaming at me like a crazy douche. Spanish Billy Mays, however, is reserved, calm, confident in his product … he sells the Simonize system like an old hand, charming and beguiling as he scratches the hood of his car with a scouring pad, and, not missing a beat, he covers the scratch boldly, wildly, with a sweep of his hand that suggests a crazy cool with the ladies. Oh, Spanish Billy Mays, somewhere tonight, you’re fucking a woman you don’t even love.

A caveat: This reason I love lucha appears to have a limited shelf life. I watched the most recent show, and as Galavision tilted lazily into commercial, my weekend afternoon stupor was interrupted by, “YO SOY BILLY MAYS!!” Fuck! Who the hell taught that fucker Spanish, even if it was just to say “my fucking name is?” The only follow-up to “YO SOY ...” I will accept will be from a pint-sized hermaphrodite, humping the air with reckless abandon to the tune of some ear-splitting dance-house jungle rave beat, screaming, “YO SOY LA PEQUINA BILLY MAYS!!” Actually, now that I think about it, Galavision, make that shit happen!

4. Career redemption: Yes, Mexico is where you can go to forget your troubles. And if you were a hotshot pro wrestling wunderkind from the mid-90s to early-double 00s, Triple A can make you strong again. I never thought that I’d see the day that I’d cheer for the exploits of Sean Waltman/ X-Pac, but sure enough, when he comes out with Konnan’s Foreign Legion faction, accompanied by the former Ryan Shamrock, looking like someone folded an innertube in half and stapled it to her mouth, I’m marking out more than I ever did when he was stateside. See, X-Pac in America takes your fan appreciation for granted; he comes out, sticks out his tongue, crotch chops and yells “suck it,” and he thinks that it’s 1998 all over again and that will guarantee him a cheer. But nope, in Mexico, he has to work for his fan love, and work he does, the likes of which he hasn’t reached since the glory days of the 1-2-3 Kid.

Likewise, Juventud Guerrera shows more motivation in front of his home country crowd than he used to in WCW, and at least he doesn’t have to speak any English to try to get over. And Super Calo, Juve’s former WCW brethren, has proven to be infinitely more entertaining in AAA, even since losing his mask at Triplemania 2007.

But the real breakout star, following a lackadaisical stateside performance in WWF, has been Kenzo Suzuki. Kenzo in WWF was held back by the “WWF formula,” which apparently consisted of tight time constraints, safe power moves, and very little playing up to the fans. In AAA, Kenzo’s broken out with a personality that could have carried him straight to a WWF world title. He mimics his opponents (sometimes even his teammates), he exaggerates the setups of his moves to maximize their apparent impact and the crowd reactions, and he works well as a foil for the efforts of his technico opponents. Granted, he also randomly breaks out a disturbing testicle-based offense, but thankfully, not in every match.

5. El Guapos VIP, ESPECIALLY El Guapito: El Guapos VIP is comprised of Scorpio Jr., who at this point in his career does NOT, I tell you, look like a “junior” anything; Zzz ... zzz ... zzz-zz ... zzz-zz-Zumbido!; and El Guapito, who is a little person but has more pimp in his little-little finger than most heavy duty, economy-sized playas. And trust me, El Guapito > Hornswoggle x18, and has probably turned away more pussy than any three of us combined have ever seen or read about in men’s magazines or high school health class textbooks. The crew also includes Decnniss, which we’ll forgive them for, since they had to up their dancer/stripper cowboy quotient when Alan Stone was thrown out of the group as a result of his loser ways.

But the Guapos need to be watched by any fan of tag team chemistry. In fact, in a perfect world, I’d book a Jim Crockett Sr. style tag tournament, and book the Guapos all the way into the finals to face off against ... hmm, I’ll say LAX, who won a hard fought victory over the Havana Pitbulls to make it into the finals; the Guapos got a bye because they were supposed to face the Briscoe brothers, but either Jay or Mark (whichever one’s the one made of fragile porcelain) got injured and they had to forfeit.