SGM Month of Halloween Horror Movie of Oct. 7

"Wrestlemaniac" (2006)

Themes: Trapped victims; monstrosity
Synopsis (from the back of the box): For an amateur porn film crew traveling through Mexico, a wrong turn in the middle of nowhere leads to the ghost town called 'La Sangre De Dios,' where locals claim that deranged luchadore 'El Mascardo' still lives to rip the faces off his victims. Now the night is closing in, the clothes are coming off, and the ultimate death match is about to be unleashed.

---

I want to tell you this now, upfront, so that you can make the decision to keep reading or not: This movie is terrible.

Now, if you decide to stick around after that, I’ll now tell you that there are 10 reasons that I’ve been able to isolate to explain why this movie is terrible. And these occur in the first 30 minutes of the movie. Don’t worry, I watched the whole film; this is just a primer of what you can expect in the first thirty minutes.

1) The opening monologue by the film’s most obnoxious character, in which we are informed about what a “dirty Sanchez” is. (And no, I won’t recount this, but trust me, the internet will be more than happy to guide you.)

...

Okay, I'll tell you this much ... it involves a dick, shit, and that area under a person's nose. Now, have at it.

2) For porn actresses, Dallas, Debbie, and Daisy – Leyla Milani, Margaret Scarborough, and Catherine Wreford, respectively – would hold no interest for any self-respecting heterosexual male planning to rub one out on a lonely Tuesday evening.

3) Daisy, in particular, spends the whole film passed out from intoxication, doing nothing of import not only to the ersatz adult film in “Wrestlemaniac’s” plot, but also managing to make no impact in the main film, aside from being “victim number one.” In fact, later in the film, when the “big porn scene” is being filmed, she throws up in probably her single most important moment of self-awareness, ever.

4) Irwin Keyes.
Okay, this is actually pretty funny. The three actors receiving top billing in this film are Irwin Keyes, Leyla Milani, and Rey Misterio Sr. Milani is the female lead. Misterio is the villain. Irwin Keyes is listed on the back of the DVD case for his role in “House of 1000 Corpses.” Irwin Keyes was in “House of 1000 Corpses” for about five minutes. He was in “Wrestlemaniac” for ten minutes as “the Stranger.” This is Irwin Keyes, your “male lead.” For all of ten minutes. “The Stranger.” Irwin Keyes.

5) The intrepid filmmakers finally make their way to the location that they’re going to shoot their film. It’s an abandoned saloon, covered in dirt and grime. And these people – the director and the three female “porn stars” – are going to get naked and wallow their exposed genitals around in this environment. Well, that is …

6) If any of these “porn stars” actually got naked. Yes, this film that is supposed to be this hardcore, full-on, DP, ATM, balls to the fucking wall … features women who, at most, take their tops off. That’s the scene. The one scene of the adult film in question.

7) Leyla Milani’s hair is messy. But it’s almost like it’s fixed to look messy. Which is very odd.

8) What’s with the ass shots? Every scene that has a female in it begins with said female walking into the shot, followed by the camera in a tight close-up of their asses. Is that where En Mascardo is hiding?

9) Among our intrepid pornsters is a guy of Mexican descent who apparently is writing a doctoral dissertation on lucha libre, because, whether anyone asks him or not, he is ready with the most obscure trivia of lucha. This is probably what a road trip with Harry Knowles would be like, if Harry Knowles ate Bill Apter.

10) El Mascardo is one dirty sumbitch. There’s a good two inches of grime on homeboy through the whole movie. I think his mask was supposed to be white. He kinda looked like Jack Black from “Nacho Libre.” And yet for all of its foibles, I still would watch “Wrestlemaniac” again before watching “Nacho Libre” for the first time.

The one thing to like about this movie? The face removal scene. Yeah, the one face removal scene … in a film about a monster who removes faces from all of his victims as his modus operandi. Make that “one face.” But I guess “faces” makes for a scarier legend. I’d be more intimidated if someone told the story of “the monster luchadore who rips the faces from his victims’ skulls,” as opposed to the story of “the monster luchadore who ripped the face off some dude this one time.”

Rating: One count.