Saturday, September 18, 2010

Scored one for the working man Friday

File under "Nate vs. the creditors."

I was working on some stuff when my cell goes off and it's a number I don't recognize. I'm thinking it's someone from some company representing some other company that's wanting my money (that I still don't have), so I don't bother with it. Buuut ... it's a local area code, so I'm curious. Well, they leave me a message.

"Hi, it's Jennifer. You and me had talked about having lunch together ... give me a call back."

Okay, let me clarify at this point: No, no, and no. Don't know her (don't know no Jennifer, not one that matters as of the last 10-12 years), don't know how she'd get my number, and sure as hell didn't say squat about lunch to her, whoever she is.

I plug this unknown number into my internet here, and boom-boom-boom, I get some info back. That it's not, as I initially thought, a business but a personal cell phone. Not only that, but I get a household composition ... a salary range ... initials of the cell owner (J**** T****) ... and a satellite view of the neighborhood AND HOUSE where this person lives. Nothing really any more specific than that (like an address), but trust me, that's enough.

So I call bitch back. Asked for Jennifer, mentioned the lunch thing, and waited. She's from some debt collector's office, and she immediately starts in on how they'll turn me in to the credit bureau, how I could be arrested for evading my debts ... all bullshit.

I butt in with asking her if she's calling from work. She says yes. I ask to speak to her supervisor, because I "want to be removed from their call list, or I'll send a cease and desist letter their way." She says to me, "I'm the only person you need to speak to."

I say, "Well, that's okay. How about I meet you at your house?" She: "No, that won't happen." Me: "Why not? It's truly a very beautiful house; I like the white trim around the windows, especially with those shutters, what is that, gold?" She: "What?" Me (chanelling my deepest, most sinister voice): "Your house ... I'm looking at it right now."


Dead silent. "That's too much house for just one person ... you must be married?" (According to the website I was looking at: yes.) Silent. "What would your husband say about you calling some guy to meet him for lunch, when you're supposed to be at work?" Silent. "That would certainly bring catastrophe, especially to a little family of six. But I guess at four children, you don't really call that a 'small family,' right?" (Number of children confirmed on aforementioned website.) Dead silent. "All boys, all girls, or a healthy mixture of both? I bet a healthy mixture. Do they go to school around here ... I mean, close to home?"

No response. I heard her breathing get a little strained; I've pretty much convinced myself that she was crying.

"Riiiight ... Don't call me again. Please. If I need you, I've got your number; I'll call you." AND SHE HUNG UP FIRST!

It's been a long time since I felt that good, but, wow, that felt great!

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