Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Cue Up The Searchlight (trial run cont')

Cue Up The Searchlight (8 December 2010)

I. Reasons I Love My Job #4080

One of my regular customers calls me on the daily, to ask me some of the most unusual questions. Nice as hell individual, but a bit weird, and a bit much to take on a busy day. Well, today was a busy day. I’ve taken to my most impressive Lumberg impressions when I start my discussions with him:
“Hey, _____. What’s happening?”
“Hello, Nathan.”
“Hey _____.”
“Can I ask you a quick question?”
“_____, it’s a really busy day, and –“
“You live over in _____, right?”
“They’ve been having a lot of killings over there lately, haven’t they?”
“I’ll be honest, I haven’t been paying atten –“
“Do you think that’s Saddam Hussein?”
It’s been some twenty, twenty-five years since I’ve literally spit out a drink to laugh at something. After today, though, the counter goes back to zero days without incident.

II. 2B2O3

Now, in “We’re here, we’re queer, QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!” news …

"’We knew mercury could depress their testosterone (male sex hormone) levels,’" explained Dr Peter Frederick from the University of Florida, who led the study. ‘But we didn't expect this.’" [more]

III. A Practical Guide to Better Pentadactyl Living

The general public does not need the capability to respond to news articles. At least, not until we can get everyone on the same page with grammar, spelling, and rational, analytical thought. We live in a nice period of time where we can sit comfortably behind our computers and cluck our tongues at the misfortunes and maladaptive circumstances of the general public, but do we really need a forum beyond email and the water cooler – and the odd blog or two, ahem – to open our mouths and remove all doubt that we are, in fact, fools?

Here’s some recent fine examples of our anonymous humanity. All comments posted are [sic].

Five Columbia students busted for selling drugs at three frat houses and dorms
12/07/2010 12:52 PM
mama must be so proud. here is the problem these 5 morons took 5 spots at a great school, the 5 kids they beat out took 5 at another and so on. Somewhere 5 kids got screwed out of a college of their choice because of these baboons. Also why take 5 months for this operation? i absolutely guarantee the big pot sale took place late in the game, as did the more serious crimes. they (the cops) waited for more serious crimes to be committed. Is it legal? yup Is it ethical or smart... not so much. One mess up and a kid is dead or in serious danger. Once again..mama must be so proud.

Arrest made in Disney community slaying
newageblues at 9:23 AM December 07, 2010
"an argument fuelded by alcohol" leads to murder. Have you ever heard of "an argument fueled by marijuana" leads to murder"? I didn't think so. But you still think alcohol deserves its infinitely superior status to cannabis.
What a sick joke the law is, it deserves nothing but CONTEMPT and ridicule.

Is Hollywood mounting a war on Christmas?
It's more like the christian war on sanity. You people need to keep it to yourselves.
Posted by: Alice Dee 12/07/2010 at 09:59 AM

*It should be noted that the actual, factual URL of this story includes the phrase "santa-clause," not in reference to the film of the same name, or some sense of irony, but rather a reference to the actual Santa Claus (no silent "e," like in potatoe). It's a professional error, proving that the job of "editor" has apparently fallen victim to These Harsh Economic TimesTM.

Nation of whiners: We want everyone to feel our pain
true to a point, but the facebook generation has a forum for their whining while people in the past just had to suck it up. so it may just seem like there's more whining simply because that's all the twits do on fb and twitter.

Kevin Smith Has Another Plane Freakout
Darious M
22 minutes ago
Dear Kevin Smith. if you made better movies, maybe you could get your own plane..geeze there are hundreds of planes just sitting..waiting to be charted or bought....stop complaing...i charted a plane to florida..for my family...its not that difficult..

IV. Synesthesia

I watch an inordinate amount of children’s television for an adult my age. Probably enough to approach LD=50. So during my brain numbing flip-throughs I’ve seen a lot of talk for the Transformers: Prime animate series … no, fuck that, cartoon. They’re cartoons, man.

Apparently, there’s a fair amount of hope/hype behind this series, much like there has seemed to be behind every new Transformers series. I imagine that no small part of this hope/hype is that each update of the Transformers cartoon franchise will catch lightning in a bottle, like the original series (dubbed “G1” by some fans) did.
However, I will make this declaration, on behalf of my grass roots citizens:

No Scatman Crothers1, No Jazz.
No Jazz, No Peace.

Jazz has one voice, and it’s that of Crothers. To be fair to one of the more well-rounded, by design, characters in animation history, Jazz should be retired out of respect. There’s precedence for characters in animation to carry on without their original voice actors, but Jazz isn’t one of these. I mean, what, do you want to have shit-sounding Looney Toons all your life? Didn’t think so; same philosophy applies here.

5 things to know about Jazz:
1. His vehicle “disguise” is modeled after a Martini Porsche 935.
2. Jazz has in fact been deactivated, but while in this state served as a minion to the Decepticons, making him the first “robot zombie” in Transformers canon.
3. Jazz helped bring the term “ginormous” (and autocorrect didn’t even kick in, how ‘bout that?) to contemporary lexicons in “Transformers: The Movie,” by way of his description of Unicron.
4. In Portugal, he is called Lero-Lero.
5. Jazz was once trapped in the 1970s, where he was forced to assume the disguise of a Cadillac El Dorado owned by a pimp.

Episodes in which Jazz is featured.
G1 1984: Episode #1 - More Than Meets The Eye (Part 1)
G1 1984: Episode #2 - More Than Meets The Eye (Part 2)
G1 1984: Episode #3 - More Than Meets The Eye (Part 3)
G1 1984: Episode #4 - Transport To Oblivion
G1 1984: Episode #5 - Roll For It
G1 1984: Episode #6 - Divide And Conquer
G1 1984: Episode #7 - Fire In The Sky
G1 1984: Episode #8 - S.O.S. Dinobots
G1 1984: Episode #9 - Fire On The Mountain
G1 1984: Episode #11 - The Ultimate Doom: Part 1 - Brainwash
G1 1984: Episode #12 - The Ultimate Doom: Part 2 - Search
G1 1984: Episode #13 - The Ultimate Doom: Part 3 - Revival
G1 1984: Episode #14 - Countdown To Extinction
G1 1984: Episode #16 - Heavy Metal War
G1 1985: Episode #17 - Autobot Spike
G1 1985: Episode #18 - Changing Gears
G1 1985: Episode #20 - Attack Of The Autobots
G1 1985: Episode #21 - Traitor
G1 1985: Episode #22 - The Immobilizer
G1 1985: Episode #23 - The Autobot Run
G1 1985: Episode #24 - Atlantis, Arise!
G1 1985: Episode #26 - Enter The Nightbird
G1 1985: Episode #27 - A Prime Problem
G1 1985: Episode #28 - The Core
G1 1985: Episode #29 - The Insecticon Syndrome
G1 1985: Episode #30 - Dinobot Island Part 1
G1 1985: Episode #31 - Dinobot Island Part 2
G1 1985: Episode #35 - Megatron’s Master Plan Part 1
G1 1985: Episode #36 - Megatron’s Master Plan Part 2
G1 1985: Episode #37 - Desertion Of The Dinobots Part 1
G1 1985: Episode #38 - Desertion Of The Dinobots Part 2
G1 1985: Episode #39 - Blaster Blues
G1 1985: Episode #41 - The Golden Lagoon
G1 1985: Episode #42 - The God Gambit
G1 1985: Episode #43 - Make Tracks
G1 1985: Episode #48 - Kremzeek!2
G1 1985: Episode #51 - Prime Target
G1 1985: Episode #57 - The Key To Vector Sigma Part 2
G1 1985: Episode #58 - Aerial Assault
G1 1985: Episode #61 - Cosmic Rust
G1 1985: Episode #62 - Starscream's Brigade
G1 1985: Episode #64 - Masquerade
G1 1985: Episode #0 - Transformers: The Movie
G1 1986: Episode #0 - Scramble City
G1 1986: Episode #66 - The Five Faces of Darkness (1)
G1 1986: Episode #70 - The Five Faces of Darkness (5)
G1 1986: Episode #73 - Dark Awakening
G1 1986: Episode #76 - Forever Is a Long Time Coming
G1 1986: Episode #91 - Call of the Primitives

1Scatman Crothers died November 22, 1986.
2During this episode, Jazz was voiced (inferiorly so) by Wally Burr.

V. Cortical Musings
Nate’s Shower Thoughts:
Isn’t ALL soap technically "antibacterial?" Then, why is that a selling point on soap products?

VI. The Perfect Fifth

Billy Mays’ autopsy report.

VII. Conclusion

What what! “The American Journal of Science Gone Mad” gets one step closer to reality!


Rev. Joshua said...

The Billy Mays autopsy report was a weird thing to read. I still miss that guy, telling me how great some crap was. Cocaine is a helluva drug...

Hopefully a lot of people will take advantage of creating printed copies of their blogs, leading to that service getting cheaper and offering more options. The idea of creating The American Journal of Science Gone Mad inspired me to find some quality articles and tag them appropriately. Book It!

Nate said...

I totally forgot about that "Infant Mental Health" seminar. I still, to this day, can't believe that was a for-real, really real training.

This makes me want to read back from the beginning. We spun gold here, I tell ya; GOLD!!

Rev. Joshua said...

Yeah, I spent a lot of time last night reading random articles from various tags. We could print volumes of quality work on various topics and themes. There's a lot of good, good stuff that we've cranked out and I just noticed that tomorrow is our six year anniversary. Awesome!

Ron said...

The title of the first journal should be "Scheduled for Deletion"