Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Not to be Confused With, Day 3
... wherein Matt Dillon > Dane Cook, noir < big ol’ titties, Jeff Bridges < Jet Li’s lies, and creepy hermaphrodites > Howard Stern.
Employee of the Month (2004/2006)
Employee of the Month (2004)
Dir: Mitch Rouse
Synopsis: “Director/Writer Mitch Rouse (Comedy Central's® "Strangers with Candy") brings you an outrageous dark comedy reminiscent of the Coen Brothers.
“When David Walsh (Matt Dillon) wakes up, his life is the picture of perfection: a beautiful fiancée, Sarah (Christina Applegate), and a dream job as a manager of a bank - even his best friend Jack (Steve Zahn), an incompetent con artist, can't bring him down. That is, until his entire life dissolves into chaos.
“Nothing can prepare him for the twists and turns his day takes when a bank robbery and millions of dollars become part of the day from hell.”
Employee of the Month (2006)
Dir: Greg Coolidge
Synopsis: “For years Zack Bradley (Dane Cook) has been working hard at hardly working at the local Super Club. That's until a hottie named Amy (Jessica Simpson) becomes the new cashier. After discovering she's willing to date the next guy to become ‘Employee of the Month’, Zack takes on current titleholder (Dax Shepard) in a super-smackdown to see who will win the honor - and Amy's heart - in this outrageous comedy that proves you can't succeed at life and love till you get your shift together.”
There is no lesser a cast list than that of the 2006 film. Dane Cook? Jessica Simpson? Andy Dick? Yes, sign me up for that, please! The only truly offensive casting decision made by the 2004 film is Christina Applegate as the “beautiful” fiancée. Surely they could have snagged a prettier, more down-on-her-luck actress to throw money at? Plus, who the hell dates a guy only because he gets “employee of the month?” I got “employee of the month” three times when I worked at Pizza Hut in high school, and all I got was to make out in the walk-in cooler that one time with Heather something. Oh, Heather Something, what might have been ...
D.O.A. (1950/2006)
D.O.A. (1950)
Dir: Rudolph Mate
Synopsis: "Frank Bigelow, an L.A. accountant, takes a vacation to San Francisco to relax and womanize for a few days when he is slipped a slow-acting poison for which there is no antidote. The doctor's prognosis: he has forty-eight hours to live. Forty-eight hours to find his murderer!"
D.O.A. (2006)
Dir: Corey Yuen
Synopsis: "Filled with non-stop action, eye-popping martial arts stunt, and hot, ass-kicking women, DOA: Dead Or Alive follows a group of super-skilled fighters from across the globe invited to a remote Pacific island to compete for the $10 million title of World's Best Fighter. Led by pro-wrestler Jaime Pressly (My Name Is Earl) and ninja princess Devon Aoki (Sin City), the finalists must band together to defeat their sinister host. Featuring the high-octane direction of Cory Yuen (The Transporter), DOA: Dead Or Alive delivers a jaw-dropping, pulse-pounding, heart-stopping finish!"
Yes, I can hear it already; “But D.O.A. of 1950 is a classic film noir that pretty much helped to establish the genre.” D.O.A. 2006, though, has a volleyball scene with four girls in bikinis that will absolutely leave your jaw resting comfortably on the floor. It’s a fun film to watch, and it just might be one of the best video-game-to-film translations ever. Plus it’s got Kevin Nash pretty much playing himself. To put it in terms of a Miller’s Analogy:
D.O.A. 2006 : Vivid Video :: Maxim Magazine : Hustler.
Fearless (1993/2006)
Fearless (1993)
Dir: Peter Weir
Synopsis: "San Francisco architect Max Klein can see clearly now. He's been transformed ever since he stared death in the face - and discovered he was unafraid. Peter Weir directs Fearless, the vivid story of how a near-death experience impacts the lives of three people. Jeff Bridges plays Max , more widely alive and Isabella Rossellini is Laura, struggling to find in Max the man she married. And Rosie Perez, is a fellow crash survivor Carla: alive, yet devastated by a grievous loss. It seems no one can heal her pain. But then she meets the one person who fearlessly knows how."
Fearless (2006)
Dir: Ronny Yu
Synopsis: "Inspired by the story of a real-life hero, Fearless is a thrilling masterpiece from action superstar Jet Li. When an ill-advised fight destroys the reputation of a renowned martial arts champion (Li) and his family, his difficult path to redemption will bring him face-to-face with the most ferocious fighters in the world. Orchestrated by Yuen Wo Ping, the legendary chreographer of The Matrix and Kill Bill, this sensational, riveting epic is being described as 'astounding and visually stunning with brilliantly executed fight sequences' (Pete Hammond, Maxim)."
Supposedly, this film was Jet Li’s last film. But then the advertisements cleared that up, emphasizing that this was Jet Li’s last martial arts film. This was quickly followed by a retraction, stating that this was going to be Jet Li’s last period martial arts film; I even have the sticker on my DVD copy that echoes this claim. So, what the fuck is up with “The Warlords?” Or “Forbidden Kingdom?” “The Expendables” better be fucking gold, Li, or you’re on my list. Either way, I’ll take a lying ass Jet Li film over a Jeff Bridges chick-flick snotfest anyday. Besides, Rosie Perez has no business acting in films that don’t alternately have her shedding clothes to offset the wretchedness of her performances, and for that purpose, I’ve got “Dance With the Devil” and “White Men Can’t Jump,” which will do just fine.
Private Parts (1972/1997)
Private Parts (1972)
Dir: Paul Bartel
Synopsis: "Check out who's checked in at the musty old King Edward Hotel in a seedy section of L.A.: Cheryl, a runaway teen who hopes to piece her life together. Little does she know that someone at the hotel has a nasty little penchant for chopping people into pieces. Welcome, happy campers, to one of the screen's most bizarre works of camp filmmaking. Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul, Lust in the Dust) directs, guiding this loopy foray 'with the fervor of a carny barker at a freak show' (Jay Cocks, Time). Murder, fetishism, a dotty aunt, a sham clergyman, corny cops, a Peeping Tom and a guy who's a girl who goes nite-nite with a blow-up doll that has a photo of Cheryl's face taped to it - they're among the feverish parts of Private Parts. If you're without reservations, drop by the hotel."
Private Parts (1997)
Dir: Betty Thomas
Synopsis: "There's only one way to describe Howard Stern: funny. Private Parts captures Howard at his most hilarious, in a bare-all, no-jokes-barred look at a true entertainment sensation. Based on the #1 bestseller, Private Parts follows Howard's amazing transformation from school nerd to media superstar. With the tireless support of his true love, Alison (Mary McCormack), Howard battles slimy broadcasting execs, bitter radio jocks, and his own self-doubts to emerge triumphant as 'The King Of All Media.' Featuring sidekick Robin Quivers and the rest of Stern's radio gang, Private Parts is as uncompromising, honest, and flat-out funny as Howard Stern himself."
I never could and probably never will give two squirting shits about Howard Stern. The 1972 film is on the list of 101 horror films that you should see before you die. The 1997 film starts off with Stern's performance as Fartman at the MTV Music Awards. The decision here is easy.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Not to be Confused With, Day 2
... wherein car crash sex ain’t getting no Academy Award, you can’t tell the difference between fetid cave dwelling beasts and Rosario Dawson, two street fighting legends square off, and both Angelina Jolie and George C. Scott lose their children but take very different methods in finding them … wanna bet who has the better luck?
Crash (1996/2004)
Crash (1996)
Dir: David Cronenberg
Synopsis: “Take a psycho-sexual journey into oblivion with James Spader and Holly Hunter in this controversial film from acclaimed director David Cronenberg. Spader stars as James Ballard, a bored film director who explores new realms after a near fatal car accident introduces him to a world of sexually obsessed car crash enthusiasts. Unsatisfied by his marriage, Ballard joins Dr. Helen Remington and begins to explore the eroticism of the car the sexual violence of auto accidents. His quest eventually leads him to Vaughan, a renegade scientist overcome by the erotic power of the crash. CRASH is shocking, controversial and eerily possible.”
Crash (2004)
Dir: Paul Haggis
Synopsis: “This compelling urban thriller tracks the volatile intersection of a multiethnic cast of characters struggling to overcome their fears as they careen in and out of one another's lives. In the gray area between black and white, victim and aggressor, during the next 36 hours, the will all collide.”
There’s nothing in the 2004 film that you can’t find in, say, “American Beauty” or “Magnolia.” Yeah, Crash 2004 won the 2005 Academy Award, but did it have Rosanna Arquette sporting an ersatz vagina in her gaping thigh wound? Nope, and maybe it should have.
Descent (2005/2007)
Descent (2005)
Dir: Neil Marshall
Synopsis: “On an annual extreme outdoor adventure, six women meet in a remote part of the Appalachians to explore a cave hidden deep in the woods. Far below the surface of the earth, disaster strikes when a rock fall blocks their exit and there's no way out. The women push on, praying for another exit, but there is something else lurking under the earth. The friends are now prey, forced to unleash their most primal instincts in an all-out war against an unspeakable horror - one that attacks without warning, again and again and again.”
Descent (2007)
Dir: Talia Lugacy
Synopsis: “Maya (Rosario Dawson) is like many other college coeds, booksmart yet shy, curious about sex, yet scared to let herself go. One night she meets Jared (Chad Faust). When their courtship turns from romantic to horrific in a single violent act, Maya's world is ripped inside out. Shutting out everyone in her life, Maya loses herself to a dark throbbing underworld of experimentation. Lured by club DJ Adrian (Marcus Patrick), she awakes to a cold and vicious new strength. Will she be saved by its power or will Maya's desire for revenge consume and destroy her?”
The 2007 film is too much of that whole independent scene, “coming of age,” woman-thou-art-loosed style of film, for me. Interesting, then, that the theme is still generally the same as the 2005 film, only with hairless little cave-ape monsters. Yeah, I’ll take cave-ape monsters over the film that’s responsible for introducing butterface Rosario Dawson to the world. Can we put her in a fight to the death with Eva Mendes, and just shoot the surviving winner?
Street Fighter (1974/1994)
Street Fighter (1974)
Dir: Shigehiro Ozawa
Synopsis: “A tough mercenary martial artist (Sonny Chiba) is hired by the mob to spring a convicted killer from prison. But after he succeeds, his criminal employers renege on their payment. He becomes a one-man army as he takes on the mob to reclaim what is his.” (Courtesy of HK Flix.)
Street Fighter (1994)
Dir: Steven de Souza
Synopsis: “Based on the best selling video game, this film hurtles beyond imagination with explosive action, humor and amazing special effects. (Jean-Claude) Van Damme is Colonel Guile, the Allied Nations commando who leads an elite team of street fighters against the forces of the mad General M. Bison. Bison, who has hatched an evil plan for world domination, takes dozens of relief workers hostage and gives the world only 72 hours to respond to his twisted demands. In that time, Guile must find the captives and confront Bison in an electrifying battle fate the fate of the free world.”
Jean-Claude went on the personal redemption route with the recent “JCVD” (which does NOT stand for “Just Caught Venereal Disease,” in case you’re wondering. And while both films offer enough off-beat martial arts goodness for the average fan, the fact that this was Raul Julia’s last film is somewhat disconcerting. Besides, Sonny Chiba punches fracture some thug’s skull in the 1974 version, and in case you’re left in doubt, you see the punch in x-ray vision. I think the actor playing the thug died after that; true story, swear to god.
Changeling (1980/2008)
Changeling (1980)
Dir: Peter Medak
Synopsis: “George C. Scott and Trish Van Devere star in a thriller that challenges the viewer to solve its mystery. It’s a haunted-house adventure complete with séances, nocturnal grave-diggings, ghostly spirits, and an ancient puzzle jealously guarded by a devious man (Academy Award winner Melvyn Douglas). Scott is splendid as the man who becomes an unwilling instrument of a ghost’s revenge and learns to trust no one. Eerily entwining a detective story with the mystery of the supernatural, The Changeling delivers solid entertainment and a frightening good time.”
Changeling (2008)
Dir: Clint Eastwood
Synopsis: “Los Angeles, 1928. When single mother Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) leaves for work, her son vanishes without a trace. Five months later, the police reunite mother and son; but he isn’t her boy. Driven by one woman’s relentless quest for the truth, the case exposes a world of corruption, captivates the public and changes Los Angeles forever.”
Angelina Jolie and her fugly innertube lips can take her adopted United Colours of Benetton ad and go straight the fuck to hell. If the 2008 film were a true story … if it were a true story, Jolie would just go to whatever Orphans R Us she frequents and get some Honduran boy named Paco to replace the son she lost. That’s probably why she didn’t win the Oscar this last time, because she couldn’t act disappointed in losing something disposable; after all, you don’t take a hamster to the vet, and you don’t take a lighter that you bought off the counter at a gas station to the repair shop. 1980, for the win.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Not to be Confused With, Day 1
... wherein torture porn meets regular ol' run-of-the-mill porn, poisonous snakes abound as teens run in fear of "Mr. Jangles," two grandmasters of classic horror phone it in, and Tobe Hooper offers a line of dialogue that Buck should appreciate.
Girl Next Door (2004/2007)
Girl Next Door (2004)
Dir: Luke Greenfield
Synopsis: “Eighteen year old Matthew Kidman (Emile Hirsch) is a straight-laced overachiever who has never really lived life-until he falls for his hot new neighbor (Elisha Cuthbert). When Matthew discovers his perfect ‘girl next door’ is a former porn star, his sheltered existence spins out of control. ‘It's Risky Business meets American Pie’ (Premiere Radio Networks) in this ‘witty, wickedly sexy’ (Access Hollywood) comedy about growing up fast and going all the way...with The Girl Next Door.”
Girl Next Door (2007)
Dir: Gregory Wilson
Synopsis: “In a quiet suburban town in the summer of 1958, two recently orphaned sisters are placed in the care of their mentally unstable Aunt Ruth (Emmy winner Blanche Baker of Holocaust). But Ruth's depraved sense of discipline will soon lead to unspeakable acts of abuse and torture that involve her young sons, the neighborhood children, and one 12-year-old boy whose life will be changed forever. William Atherton (Die Hard), Catherine Mary Stewart (Night Of The Comet) and Grant Show (Melrose Place) co-star in this devastating drama adapted from the controversial best seller by Jack Ketchum that Rue Morgue Magazine called ‘one of the most disturbing reads in the history of horror literature.’”
Advantage: Girl Next Door (2004)
While I’m sorely disappointed at the relative dearth of titties and jayjay on display in 2004’s film – a film about porn, no less – hey, porn & titties still ain’t nothing to sneeze at. 2007’s film, while a good film, is one of those that’s just depressing to watch.
Venom (1982/2005)
Venom (1982)
Dir: Piers Haggard
Synopsis: “It was supposed to be the perfect crime: the sexy maid (Susan George of Straw Dogs), a psychotic chauffer (Oliver Reed of Revolver) and an international terrorist (the legendary Klaus Kinski) kidnap a wealthy ten-year-old boy from his elegant London townhouse. But they didn't count on a murdered cop, a desperate hostage siege and one very unexpected houseguest: a furious Black Mamba, the most lethal and aggressive snake known to nature. It can attack from ten feet away. Its bite brings excruciating death, and it is on the loose. Now, terror knows no antidote... and the ultimate in slithering mayhem is Venom.
“Sterling Hayden (The Killing), Nicol Williamson (Excalibur) and Sarah Miles (Blowup) co-star in this gripping suspense thriller directed by Piers Haggard (Blood On Satan's Claw) and featuring some very real - and extremely deadly - Black Mambas!”
Venom (2005)
Dir: Jim Gillespie
Synopsis: “Venom is a fright-filled voodoo thriller loaded with a sizzling cast of the screen's hottest young stars! Set deep in the eerie swamps of southern Louisiana - Agnes Bruckner (Murder By Numbers), Jonathan Jackson (Tuck Everlasting) and Meagan Good (Roll Bounce) are among a group of teenagers trying to uncover the truth behind a friend's mysterious death. What they find is an evil force more deadly than anyone could have imagined! Now they are the ones running for their lives! Also starring Bijou Phillips (Almost Famous) and Method Man (Garden State) - critics everywhere hailed this chilling and thrilling horror tale!”
Advantage: Venom (1982)
The villain in the 2005 film is unofficially named Mr. Jangles; it’s not mentioned in the film, but all of the promo material used the name to identify the main villain. It’s because he carries a set of vehicle keys; seems he’s a truck driver or some such. No matter; the film sucks horribly. Venom of 1982 doesn’t excel too much farther, but it has Sterling Hayden, Oliver Reed, and Klaus muthafuckin’ Kinski, so it wins out.
Shock (1946/1977)
Shock (1946)
Dir: Alfred Werker
Synopsis: “This post-World War II suspense thriller sets off an emotional roller coaster after the psychologically fragile wife of a POW (Anabel Shaw) witnesses a brutal murder from a hotel window while waiting to be reunited with her husband (Frank Latimer). By the time he arrives, she's nearly comatose with shock. The hotel's psychiatrist (Vincent Price) is called in to help. But just as she begins to recognize him as the murderer she saw, he realizes she was a witness to his crime. So he arranges to take her to his private sanitarium where he and his nurse-mistress (Lynn Bari) can insure that no one takes the young woman's ravings seriously and they can secretly administer enough "treatment" to silence her forever. Meanwhile, her husband and the police begin to suspect that everything is not as it seems and as they get closer to the truth, this complex mystery takes some unexpected twists!”
Shock (1977)
Dir: Mario Bava
Synopsis: “When a family moves into a home with a shocking secret, their lives become a nightmare of homicidal hallucinations as their young son begins to communicate with the spirits of the dead. Remodeled in madness and painted in blood, they soon discover that domestic bliss can be murder...when home is where the horror is.”
Advantage: Shock (1977)
I like the 1946 film well enough, but it’s as dry as three day old toast. Mario Bava injects this Exorcist rip-off with zest and life to spare, so it beats out its 1946 counterpart, even with Vincent Price in a starring role.
Eaten Alive (1977/1980)
Eaten Alive (1977)
Dir: Tobe Hooper
Synopsis: "The Starlight, a decrepit hotel run by Judd (Neville Brand), receives few patrons. Perhaps it's the owner's violent mood swings. Or perhaps it's the man-eating crocodile in the backyard. But one dark steamy night finds the Starlight visited by a runaway prostitute (Roberta Collins, Death Race 2000), a young couple (Marilyn Burns and William Finley) and their child (Kyle Richards, Halloween), a dying father and his daughter (Mel Ferrer and Crystin Sinclaire), and sex-obsessed Buck (Robert Englund, A Nightmare on Elm Street), all of whom will experience an unforgettable night of terror at the hands of Judd and his pet croc."
Eaten Alive (1980)
Dir: Umberto Lenzi
Synopsis: "A girl risks her life and plunges into a jungle hell in search of her missing sister. Throughout her perilous journey, she must fend off hungry cannibal tribes and avoid being served up as a sacrificial lamb for a good old-fashioned suicide cult! From Umberto Lenzi, director of Cannibal Ferox, Man from Deep River and Black Demons. Features an all star, international cast of genre favorites, such as Robert Kerman (Cannibal, Holocaust, and Sam Raimi's Spider-Man), Janet Agren (Rat Man and Hands of Steel), Ivan Rassimov (Jungle Holocaust, Mario Bava's Shock), and Me Me Lai (Jungle Holocaust, Man from Deep River)."
Advantage: Eaten Alive (1977)
Ooh, a vintage Italian cannibal film vs. a post-TCM offering from the great Tobe Hooper. But there’s no beating a film that introduced us to Robert Englund, especially with the line, “My name’s Buck, and I’m rarin’ to fuck.” Oh yes, Eaten Alive 1977, a winner is you.
Girl Next Door (2004/2007)
Girl Next Door (2004)
Dir: Luke Greenfield
Synopsis: “Eighteen year old Matthew Kidman (Emile Hirsch) is a straight-laced overachiever who has never really lived life-until he falls for his hot new neighbor (Elisha Cuthbert). When Matthew discovers his perfect ‘girl next door’ is a former porn star, his sheltered existence spins out of control. ‘It's Risky Business meets American Pie’ (Premiere Radio Networks) in this ‘witty, wickedly sexy’ (Access Hollywood) comedy about growing up fast and going all the way...with The Girl Next Door.”
Girl Next Door (2007)
Dir: Gregory Wilson
Synopsis: “In a quiet suburban town in the summer of 1958, two recently orphaned sisters are placed in the care of their mentally unstable Aunt Ruth (Emmy winner Blanche Baker of Holocaust). But Ruth's depraved sense of discipline will soon lead to unspeakable acts of abuse and torture that involve her young sons, the neighborhood children, and one 12-year-old boy whose life will be changed forever. William Atherton (Die Hard), Catherine Mary Stewart (Night Of The Comet) and Grant Show (Melrose Place) co-star in this devastating drama adapted from the controversial best seller by Jack Ketchum that Rue Morgue Magazine called ‘one of the most disturbing reads in the history of horror literature.’”
While I’m sorely disappointed at the relative dearth of titties and jayjay on display in 2004’s film – a film about porn, no less – hey, porn & titties still ain’t nothing to sneeze at. 2007’s film, while a good film, is one of those that’s just depressing to watch.
Venom (1982/2005)
Venom (1982)
Dir: Piers Haggard
Synopsis: “It was supposed to be the perfect crime: the sexy maid (Susan George of Straw Dogs), a psychotic chauffer (Oliver Reed of Revolver) and an international terrorist (the legendary Klaus Kinski) kidnap a wealthy ten-year-old boy from his elegant London townhouse. But they didn't count on a murdered cop, a desperate hostage siege and one very unexpected houseguest: a furious Black Mamba, the most lethal and aggressive snake known to nature. It can attack from ten feet away. Its bite brings excruciating death, and it is on the loose. Now, terror knows no antidote... and the ultimate in slithering mayhem is Venom.
“Sterling Hayden (The Killing), Nicol Williamson (Excalibur) and Sarah Miles (Blowup) co-star in this gripping suspense thriller directed by Piers Haggard (Blood On Satan's Claw) and featuring some very real - and extremely deadly - Black Mambas!”
Venom (2005)
Dir: Jim Gillespie
Synopsis: “Venom is a fright-filled voodoo thriller loaded with a sizzling cast of the screen's hottest young stars! Set deep in the eerie swamps of southern Louisiana - Agnes Bruckner (Murder By Numbers), Jonathan Jackson (Tuck Everlasting) and Meagan Good (Roll Bounce) are among a group of teenagers trying to uncover the truth behind a friend's mysterious death. What they find is an evil force more deadly than anyone could have imagined! Now they are the ones running for their lives! Also starring Bijou Phillips (Almost Famous) and Method Man (Garden State) - critics everywhere hailed this chilling and thrilling horror tale!”
The villain in the 2005 film is unofficially named Mr. Jangles; it’s not mentioned in the film, but all of the promo material used the name to identify the main villain. It’s because he carries a set of vehicle keys; seems he’s a truck driver or some such. No matter; the film sucks horribly. Venom of 1982 doesn’t excel too much farther, but it has Sterling Hayden, Oliver Reed, and Klaus muthafuckin’ Kinski, so it wins out.
Shock (1946/1977)
Shock (1946)
Dir: Alfred Werker
Synopsis: “This post-World War II suspense thriller sets off an emotional roller coaster after the psychologically fragile wife of a POW (Anabel Shaw) witnesses a brutal murder from a hotel window while waiting to be reunited with her husband (Frank Latimer). By the time he arrives, she's nearly comatose with shock. The hotel's psychiatrist (Vincent Price) is called in to help. But just as she begins to recognize him as the murderer she saw, he realizes she was a witness to his crime. So he arranges to take her to his private sanitarium where he and his nurse-mistress (Lynn Bari) can insure that no one takes the young woman's ravings seriously and they can secretly administer enough "treatment" to silence her forever. Meanwhile, her husband and the police begin to suspect that everything is not as it seems and as they get closer to the truth, this complex mystery takes some unexpected twists!”
Shock (1977)
Dir: Mario Bava
Synopsis: “When a family moves into a home with a shocking secret, their lives become a nightmare of homicidal hallucinations as their young son begins to communicate with the spirits of the dead. Remodeled in madness and painted in blood, they soon discover that domestic bliss can be murder...when home is where the horror is.”
I like the 1946 film well enough, but it’s as dry as three day old toast. Mario Bava injects this Exorcist rip-off with zest and life to spare, so it beats out its 1946 counterpart, even with Vincent Price in a starring role.
Eaten Alive (1977/1980)
Eaten Alive (1977)
Dir: Tobe Hooper
Synopsis: "The Starlight, a decrepit hotel run by Judd (Neville Brand), receives few patrons. Perhaps it's the owner's violent mood swings. Or perhaps it's the man-eating crocodile in the backyard. But one dark steamy night finds the Starlight visited by a runaway prostitute (Roberta Collins, Death Race 2000), a young couple (Marilyn Burns and William Finley) and their child (Kyle Richards, Halloween), a dying father and his daughter (Mel Ferrer and Crystin Sinclaire), and sex-obsessed Buck (Robert Englund, A Nightmare on Elm Street), all of whom will experience an unforgettable night of terror at the hands of Judd and his pet croc."
Eaten Alive (1980)
Dir: Umberto Lenzi
Synopsis: "A girl risks her life and plunges into a jungle hell in search of her missing sister. Throughout her perilous journey, she must fend off hungry cannibal tribes and avoid being served up as a sacrificial lamb for a good old-fashioned suicide cult! From Umberto Lenzi, director of Cannibal Ferox, Man from Deep River and Black Demons. Features an all star, international cast of genre favorites, such as Robert Kerman (Cannibal, Holocaust, and Sam Raimi's Spider-Man), Janet Agren (Rat Man and Hands of Steel), Ivan Rassimov (Jungle Holocaust, Mario Bava's Shock), and Me Me Lai (Jungle Holocaust, Man from Deep River)."
Ooh, a vintage Italian cannibal film vs. a post-TCM offering from the great Tobe Hooper. But there’s no beating a film that introduced us to Robert Englund, especially with the line, “My name’s Buck, and I’m rarin’ to fuck.” Oh yes, Eaten Alive 1977, a winner is you.
[Movies] Same Title, Far Different Story
or, "Not to be Confused With"
I’m flipping through the channels one day, and on the schedule for an evening viewing is “The Walking Dead.” I am a classic horror film fan from way back, and any chance to see Karloff in a role during his prime is an opportunity I don’t pass up often. I schedule my day around the movie, making sure that I have nothing planned during the two hour block the movie is scheduled for. Imagine my surprise, then, when I find myself watching Eddie Griffin play himself in a Vietnam-era war drama about an abandoned clutch of black soldiers. Granted, that “The Walking Dead” was playing on BET should have signaled something amiss to me, but I digress.
Much later, I found myself anticipating a showing of the film “Gladiator.” I hadn’t seen this film since it had hit theaters, and Russell Crowe was pretty badass in it; the line, “On my mark, unleash hell,” still gets to you. However, the magic time for the film rolls around, and the scene fills with scenes of gritty urban decay. Hold on, though, I’ve seen this one before: This is 1992’s “Gladiator,” a tale of two streetfighters scraping by in the ghetto, not the multi-award winning Roman epic. Not nearly as disappointing as the “Walking Dead” debacle from before, but still, a shock to the senses of what I was expecting. But you can’t beat the 3rd Bass track for the former film.
These two events began to fester in my brain. I started wondering how many films out there had the same titles, although their stories were far different from each other. When I set out to research this, almost immediately I came upon a title that illustrated exactly what I was looking for: “Kicking and Screaming.”
“Kicking and Screaming,” filmed in 1995, is about disenfranchised college students who graduated, with nowhere to go but down. “Kicking and Screaming,” filmed in 2005, is a Will Ferrell mug-and-holler vehicle about a soccer dad. This pair illustrated my point exactly. I wondered, how many people go into video stores, or go online to their DVD rental venue of choice, and seek out “Kicking and Screaming,” and regardless of which one they may be looking for, find themselves sorely disappointed?
So I dug around online, in the DVD retailers and the video rental sites; on the movie information databases and the obscure trivia message boards. What made the search difficult were the number of remakes, sequels, prequels, “re-imaginings,” et cetera, ad nauseum that clouded my search. Those weren’t what I was looking for. Nor was I interested in cataloguing the numerous versions of classic literature interpreted for film; yes, Geoffery Wright’s “Macbeth” of 2007 is far different than the (far superior) "Macbeth" of 1971 as helmed by Roman Polanski, but a rose by any other name, ya heard?
For the next week, I’ll be presenting my findings on these types of films, and I’d almost submit that there are enough titles herein to suggest a new genre. Of course, maybe this will serve as a resource for anyone who might be looking for a film of one name, only to be presented with a film of another. Of course, there will be my usual run of commentary & geeking out on stats, but overall, of the thousands and thousands of films produced every year, sometimes you get titles to films that are the same, even though the films are very different. This is their story.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
More movie news
(It’s been slow at work.)
"Machete" becoming a feature film
Oh my god, I am cry.
“Dead Snow” opens today; early word has it being perhaps the best Nazi zombie film ever made. In a world where a film like “Shock Waves” exists, that might be saying a lot.
And, a rhetorical question: Is there something wrong with me, that I don’t find Megan Fox to be any more attractive than any other actress, but in fact find every picture of her that’s recently hit the media to depict her as some vapid slut? (However, I do get some mileage out of a fantasy lezzing out between her and Sasha Grey.)
Media outlets seem to be stretching the realms of credibility a bit, intent as they are on proclaiming Ms. Fox to be the second coming of Angelina Jolie, which calls to mind one of my favorite epithets: “That’s like winning the ‘Prettiest Whore on the Corner’ pageant.” From what I’ve seen, the line between Fox & Jolie appears to begin and end at their unusual fascination with subpar skin art, coupled with their ill-advised decisions to get the names of ex-significant others inked on their bodies (et tu, Billy Bob?).
(Now, I catch myself wondering how much mileage I can get out of a fantasy lezzing out between Megan Fox and Angeline Jolie? Hm, Fox is 23, Jolie is 34 … that’s almost like she’d be making out with her older sister, dude; that’s fucked up, and I may be fucked up sometimes, but I’m not that fucked up.)
Friday, June 12, 2009
In movie news …
Two bits caught my eye, while reading news online during lunch.
Liam Neeson & Bradley Cooper cast for A-Team film
There is only one answer for who should play Sergeant Bosco Albert Baracus: Ving Rhames. And Liam Neeson is as inspired a choice to play Hannibal as, say, Dennis Quaid was for the role of General Hawk in the "GI Joe" movie.
Holy crap, “The Expendables” looks like it’ll be the best action film ever made!
I mean, seriously, read that cast! If you aren't at least moderately impressed, then you have no love for action films. Five words:
Fuck you, Tarantino’s "Inglourious Basterds."
UCLA pans James Franco, gets F’d in the A as result
To supplement Buck’s post, I bring you this bit from the other coast:
Actor James Franco, star of 'Milk' and 'Pineapple Express,' cited scheduling conflicts and withdrew from making the commencement speech at UCLA. Students at the school had waged a Facebook campaign against his selection.
His replacement? Linkin Park guitarist Brad Delson. [more]
I want to meet the individual who thought that James Franco would make a good choice for a commencement speaker, in the first place.
But then a greater thought occurred to me: It’s a commencement speech, not a treatise on peace being presented to the United Nations. It’s some dude or chick waxing philosophical about why being all growed up and taking responsibility for yourself doesn’t suck as bad as the news makes it out to be. Is James Franco any better or worse than Brad Delson? Are either of them any better or worse than Gustav Arellano, Cliff Galiher, or Allen Adham, UCLA grads all?
Bah, fuck ‘em. The chick in that NPR piece must have seriously been butthurt when Delson was picked after Franco bowed out. At the end, where she says, “I would think that everyone would just be happy enough to graduate” ... yeah, that’s sincere. Where were those sentiments when you were going on your anti-Franco campaign? Bet you’re wishing for James Franco now, eh?
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Let's All Laugh At NYC's hipsters.
Now I'm not saying I want NYC to return to the bad old days when crack was king and the crime rate made New Orleans look like East Cupcake Iowa, but anybody who lives here can tell you that rent and property values are out of control. Read on.
Parental Lifelines, Frayed to BreakingBy CHRISTINE HAUGHNEY
NY TIMES
June 8, 2009
For the past five years, Ernie DiGiacomo has been able to count on parents to guarantee the $1,500 to $2,500 rents he charges for the 15 apartments he owns in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. When he called renters who had missed payments, he often heard, "My parents will send you a check."
But in the past six months, the parents are pulling back financial help, he said, and as a result, he has watched more renters move out.
"Most of them are moving back with parents," Mr. DiGiacomo said.
Luis Illades, an owner of the Urban Rustic Market and Cafe on North 12th Street, said he had seen a steady number of applicants, in their late 20s, who had never held paid jobs: They were interns at a modeling agency, for example, or worked at a college radio station. In some cases, applicants have stormed out of the market after hearing the job requirements.
"They say, 'You want me to work eight hours?' " Mr. Illades said. "There is a bubble bursting."
Famed for its concentration of heavily subsidized 20-something residents - also nicknamed trust-funders or trustafarians - Williamsburg is showing signs of trouble. Parents whose money helped fuel one of the city's most radical gentrifications in recent years have stopped buying their children new luxury condos, subsidizing rents and providing cash to spend at Bedford Avenue's boutiques and coffee houses.
For 18 months after graduating from Colby College, Jack Drury, 24, lived the way many Williamsburg residents do: He followed his passions, working in satellite radio and playing guitar. He earned money as a bicycle messenger and, on occasion, turned to his parents for money.
But as the recession deepened last fall, his parents had to cut the staff at their event planning company to 30 workers from 50. Asked for his help, Mr. Drury cast aside his other pursuits and started work as a project manager for his parents. But he still plays the guitar in two bands, Haunted Castle and Rats in the Walls.
"My future is in the family business," he said. "Music is just for fun."
The real estate market, too, is shifting as wealth evaporates. Ross Weinstein, a managing partner of the Union Square Mortgage Group, has worked with hundreds of Williamsburg apartment buyers in the past two years.
"A lot of the money came from family," he said. "That piece, it's gone for a lot of people."
In the boom years, Mr. Weinstein said, 40 percent of the mortgage applications he reviewed for buyers in Williamsburg included down-payment money, from $50,000 to $300,000, from parents. About 20 percent of the applications listed investments that gave the young buyers $3,000 to $10,000 of monthly income.
But in the past two months, Mr. Weinstein said, he has handled two to three deals a week in which the parents cut back their down-payment help.
The number of sales in Williamsburg dropped nearly a quarter in the first three months of this year compared with the same period a year ago, according to HMS Associates, a Brooklyn appraisal firm. And in three recent cases, Mr. Weinstein said, owners sold their apartments in short sales - selling for less than the bank is owed, to avoid foreclosure - because they were no longer receiving parental help.
Mr. Weinstein has been advising two brothers in their late 20s who wanted to buy a $700,000 apartment with $250,000 from their parents. But their parents' investment portfolio has lost so much value that they now can give only $50,000. Since the brothers make about $45,000 a year each, they are now shopping for a $500,000 apartment.
The parents still wish they could help, Mr. Weinstein said, but "right now, they're in a situation in their life where they need to ensure their own security."
It is an adjustment that many have to deal with. Eric Gross, 26, a construction worker, was going to buy, with help from his father, a $600,000 one-bedroom condo with city views at Northside Piers, a luxury building, he said.
But his father, who works in the auto industry, said he had to reduce his contribution. "He's pulling back the lifeline," Mr. Gross said.
So Mr. Gross is scaling back, shopping for a $300,000 apartment, said his real estate agent, Binnie Robinson of AptsandLofts.com.
It can be hard to see the signs of financial troubles in Williamsburg because residents are so loath to show that they had money in the first place. Robert Lanham, author of "The Hipster Handbook," said in an interview that many newer residents tried to blend in with the area's gritty history and dressed "half the time like they're homeless people."
But parental help was obvious in the intersection of residents with low-paying jobs and $3,000-a-month apartments.
"You can put two and two together, that they have money coming in from somewhere else," Mr. Lanham said.
The culture of the area often mocks residents who depend on their families. Misha Calvert, 26, a writer who relied on her parents during her first year in the city, now has three roommates, works in freelance jobs and organizes parties to help keep her afloat while she writes plays and acts in films. There is a "giant stigma," she said, for Williamsburg residents who are not financially independent.
"It takes the wind out of you if you're not the independent, self-reliant artist you claim to be," she said, "if you're just daddy's little girl."
The cutbacks for the more privileged residents are a welcome change for locals who have struggled to support themselves without parental help.
Katie Deedy, 27, an artist, works two bartending jobs to shore up her designer wallpaper business. Gazing out from the bar at the patrons playing darts and sipping bloody marys during a Sunday shift at the Brooklyn Ale House, she described how refreshing it felt not being the only local resident trying to live on less.
"If I'm going to be completely honest, it does make me feel a little bit better," she said. "It's bringing a lot of Williamsburg back to reality."
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
When Mental Health Goes Wrong
Gentlemen, I submit that psychology & psychotherapy has officially slipped off its chump.
Please review the following:
Title of Workshop: "Infant Mental Health 101"
WORKSHOP OVERVIEW: Ways to develop proficiency in the treatment of young children will be discussed. You will also receive exposure to evidenced based practices for children ages 0-5 and the principles of Infant-Parent Psychotherapy.
TARGET AUDIENCE: Clinical staff who work with children ages 0-5.
DATE: Thursday, June 11, 2009.
TIME: 10:00 AM to 12 Noon.
This ranks right up there with animal therapy, paranormal investigation, and Schrodinger’s cat as far as snake oil remedies that you can’t necessarily prove nor disprove.
What exactly constitutes “infant mental health,” if not solely neuropsychology and developmental psych? I’ve been around my share of 0-5 yr olds, and I can tell you that to conduct mental health services with them, to the extent that I understand it, would be pretty damn difficult to diagnose, let alone treat.
For example, let’s take any 0-5 yr old child that you can think of. Now, answer these questions at home, while I answer them for my own example:
- Does the client exhibit disorganized speech? (Yes.)
- Does the client exhibit disorganized behavior? (Yes.)
- Does the client’s behavior appear 1) goal-directed or 2) marked by a maladaptive level of impulsivity or spontaneity? (Number 2.)
- Is the client oriented to person, place, time, situation? (Marginally; client able to differentiate between mother & father w/ approx 30% accuracy, but displays significant gender confusion; poorly oriented to place/location; poorly oriented to date, time, day, year; minimal ability to identify situations/events.)
- Does the client display affective lability, i.e. free & uncontrolled mood expression? (Yes.)
- Does the client display effective reality testing of their environment? (No; client talks to self, exhibits spontaneous speech indicative of response to internal stimuli, indicating possible presence of auditory hallucinations.)
- Describe client’s level of attention & concentration. (Client displays high distractibility to minimal environmental cues.)
- Describe client’s level of recall & fund of knowledge. (Client has moderate level of short-term recall success, poor remote recall; client exhibits age-appropriate level of intellect, pending results of further testing.)
- Describe client’s presenting level of thought process & content. (Client exhibits multifaceted delusional beliefs, including grandiosity on a major scale, w/ ideas of reference – speaks to the television as if it is speaking to them; appears to have occasional intrusive thoughts that result in uncomfortable emotional reactions.)
Okay, what we’ve described here is no longer an infant, but a chronic and severely mentally ill person, clinically referred to in the field as “pretty fucked up.”
What treatment is there to recommend for this at-risk population? Individual therapy? We’ve established that this client’s fund of knowledge and ability to express and process information is highly impaired. Group therapy? The self-centered quality of this client’s functioning might preclude this approach from being successful. How about a structured day group program? Y’know, like a “day care?” That could work. Then, there’s always the tried-and-true use of play therapy; that might be successful, since these clients, pretty fucked up as they may be, do like them some playing.
So, the treatment plan is as follows:
Barring any glaring developmental or neurological deficits, the best treatment approach for these fucked up little clients, ages 0-5, is to put them in day care, where they can play with other fucked up little clients.
And this is what the department of mental health spends money on, in these Harsh Economic TimesTM.
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