The Lost Weekend: Oct 28-30

Did I tell you that I quit watching WWF Raw a few weeks ago? After reading about the colon surgery skit on last Monday's show, I'm not only happy about my decision, but also I feel that I've inherited a moral superiority to some folks that seem to masochistically keep watching that shit.

Of course, much could be made about the fact that, even though I don't watch, I keep up with the results. Well, I do like to know what I'm missing from a show that I once watched religiously, and now can barely stomach. I don't want to miss that "big angle" or "great wrestler" that could singlehandedly turn things around. But I don't think we'll have to worry about that for quite a while.

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The SGM Hoss Report
Whatever happened to the big man in wrestling? As prominent as the Big John Studds, the Steve "Dr. Death" Williams, and the Van Vaders used to be, it seems that big name professional wrestling is relying more and more on the lighter middle- to cruiserweight wrestlers to push their product. John Cena is the current big name WWF champion. Jarrett is holding weight in a fed where the X-division reigns highly on the list of important contributions of TNA. However, the big man, the heaviest of heavyweights still lingers on. This is to review the contributions throughout the week of the big man ... the HOSS~!

(The number in parenthesis after each name is that wrestler's rank from last week. A "-" indicates a wrestler not rated.)

1) Rhino (-): Damn. The man first beats three other wrestlers in a balls-to-the-wall hardcore mayhem match ... goes on to defeat 9 other wrestlers in a Gauntlet match ... THEN defeats Jeff Jarrett to become the NWA World Champion. All this, and he did it off of no sleep, no food, no water, and no external light for 24 hours. That, wrestling fans, in a MANBEAST!!!

2) Batista (1): So now the lovefest with Eddie Guerrero is down and over with, and next up is a program with Randy Orton, who went from a feud with Undertaker to a feud with Roddy Piper? Yep, worth a drop to #2.

3) Monty Brown (5): Kills Lance Hoyt on his way to the NWA World Title. He also makes an appearance in some muscle supplement that airs ads during every commercial break on Impact. "Are you not ... entertained!!?"

4) JBL (6): Makes what appears to have been a pretty swell appearance on Raw, but follows that up with a loss in a major 5-way match that could have helped him in the voting for Taboo Tuesday. Plus, he punked out Masters by calling him a "gorilla," a JBLism that I actually would like to have watched Raw for ... but just that segment.

5) Abyss (7): Tanks out on the Monster's Ball, taking a sick swanton from Jeff Hardy, but does come back to beat Lance Hoyt (this week's two time loser) in the opening match on Impact. He's up for a match against Sabu at the next TNA PPV, and looked a little faggy running from a Sabu wrapped in barbed wire while holding a bag of thumbtacks that he's tasted more than his share of times.

6) Big Show (4): Yeah, he's in the running for the Taboo Tuesday and all, but does anyone really believe that he's going to get any votes? C'mon, it's the damn Big Show ... who's lost more than his share to both Cena & Angle. Show eats the loss in a big three-way that opened Raw and apparently lasted less time than a skit about things coming out of Jim Ross's ass.

7) Kane (3): And here's another hoss that lost a big money match that could have propelled him in the voting at Jaboo Tuesday. The reason he ranked lower than Show is that he managed to screw his back up during this match. Ordinarily, because he didn't get pinned, he would get put over Show in the rankings, but the back injury, combined with his hyped up return & downfall just 6 days later makes for a bigger drop. Ah, well, maybe this time next week we'll be talking about Show & Kane, tag team champs.

8) Bobby Lashley (-)/ Chris Masters (8) (tie): Remember just last week, when Bobby Lashley was the "Hoss to Watch?" Wow, that ended pretty quick. A war with the FBI v6.5 will gain you no ground. Well, except the bare bottom of the rankings.

Masters, on the other hand, lost a chance to move up when he got made a fool of by JBL. He feel for the oldest game in the book, which was in fact the exact same game that Masters pulled off one week before!!

Hoss to Watch
Oleg Prudius - I can hear you asking now, "Who the hell ...?" Jerry Jarrett defected from TNA to WWF in a move that I think WWF is making a bigger deal of than is really necessary. With Jarrett came the option to sign a wrestler named in the press releases simply "The Russian." Prudius is actually a Russian wrestler/MMA fighter. Ah, the MMA fighters ... great competitors ... who could forget the contributions of Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Tank Abbott, and Daniel Puder? Prudius, I can't wait to see you on Velocity, that show that doesn't even come on TV anymore.

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Turner Classic Movies has an absolutely outstanding Halloween lineup for Monday.
6:00 am - Nosferatu (1922)
7:30 am - Vampire Bat, The (1933)
8:45 am - White Zombie (1932)
10:15 am - Mad Love (1935)
11:30 am - Cat People (1942)
1:00 pm - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
2:30 pm - Village Of The Damned (1960)
4:00 pm - Birds, The (1963)
6:00 pm - Psycho (1960)
8:00 pm - Poltergeist (1982)
10:00 pm - Uninvited, The (1944)
12:00 am - Haunting, The (1963)
2:00 am - Horror Castle (1963)
3:30 am - Castle of the Living Dead, The (1964)

Me, I'm planning on staging a horror filmfest of my own, since I've seen or own the majority of those films on TCM. Showtime begins whenever I get home from work (unless I continue this pattern of congestion & don't go in).

~ 5:00 pm - Old Dark House
Movie 2: Tombs Of The Blind Dead
Movie 3: Maniac
Movie 4: Let Sleeping Corpses Lie
Movie 5: Dario Argento's Opera

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Daylight savings time ... Why just an hour? Why not a whole day? I'd like to get my Saturday back.

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Thanks to the Toys-R-Us Buy 2-Get 1 Free sale I shamelessly advertised last week, I have more freaking videogames than I know what to do with. Picked up a copy of "The Sims 2" for PS2 for this chick that lives in the house with me, plus about 9 other games for a grand total of $120. "Shop smart ... shop S-mart."

Resident Evil 4 - From what I gather, you're not fighting the tried and true zombie enemy, as you're fighting mind-controlled villagers and a guy with a long beard that looks like his name should be Rasputin, the Mad Monk. A slight departure, but no doubt an intriguing twist in the old pattern.

Kya: Dark Lineage - I kinda dig this little game, where you play a chick who is more than she seems. And really, what "ordinary person" in games isn't "more than they seem?" Except protagonists in Rockstar Games, where most of them are pretty much EXACTLY what they seem.

Shadow of Rome & Gladius - The former, a gladiatorial hack-and-slash, in which you can use the arms of your enemy to beat the hell out of them. The latter, a gladiatorial RPG that has a well-written storyline and what appears to be hours of gameplay. Unleash hell, Maximus.

Dark Cloud 2 - I don't dip very heavily into long-term RPGs, so I figured Dark Cloud 2, with its fancy-ass 5-star reviews all over the damn place, would do the job. And since it was technically a free one, why not?

Prince of Persia:Warrior Within & Hitman:Contracts - Well-rated sequels to some awesome games that I've played, but couldn't find copies of, so I went with their successors. Hitman I'm particularly ready to play, since killing people is really what I get videogames to do, anyway.

ICO - "A boy with horns is born into a village ..." Already worth the $7 I dropped on it.

Shadow of the Colossus - By the "ICO" folks, and it's actually similar in theme to "Blood Will Tell," the game I spent all summer playing. You have to unearth 16 (I think) mountainous colussi, find a way to mount their bodies, and kill them. Each colossus is its own level, which is an interesting concept; can't wait to play it through one good time. (Currently, I'm on "Viewtiful Joe," "God of War," and "Bard's Tale," all at the same time.)

(At this point, I realize how damn hard I work at my mental health therapist job, as well as my professor job, and I don't go around bragging about all the shit I get with my money. But, if I was ever robbed, I'd probably kill the person who did it, 'cause I can't stand lazy motherfuckers who try to get shit at the expense of other people's security and safety. If I made less money and/or had less interests, I'd be just as happy with what I had then.)

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Zen of Science Gone Mad
The transition between summer and fall, when the merciless sun shines but the breeze whips through the air to keep your head cool. The glide of shoes over a waxed floor. Falling asleep on the couch after a long day. The students "getting it" for a change. A client expressing gratitude for hard work done. Nudity in horror films. Samoa Joe vs. CM Punk from "World Title Classic". A backrub. Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" and the "Hagakure."

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Slow week, which is odd for a Halloween week, but everytime I turn around I'm seeing more and more Christmas stuff, which only reminds me that the end of the year is only 2 months away. Pbbbt. Who needs to be rushed? The new year will come, regardless of whether we rush it or not. So let me get the jump on this trend to speed up our holidays before someone beats me to it, and wish everyone here a safe and happy St. Patrick's Day.

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Ricky Morton -- Prisoner for Life?

The legal situation surrouning the incarceration of one Richard J. Morton, professional wrestler and Southern icon, continues to amaze. While the eyes and ears of the national media await indictments in the Valerie Plame CIA leak case, the real judicial tragedy is taking place in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.

Ricky Morton is, if media reports are true, hopelessly imprisoned without the possibility of parole, bail, or a reduced sentence. Freedom activists and human rights groups have combined their forces to open http://helprickymorton.org . In the tradition of other politically-motivated freedom sites like freemumia.org, freepeltier.org, helprickymorton.org attempts to elevate the social consciousness of its readers and educate them on the harshness and improporiety of the judicial system.

The introductory page of helprickymorton.org lays out the case for freeing Ricky Morton as soon as possible. To quote "As many of you know Ricky is currently jailed in Murfreesboro, TN and will not be released until we can raise $74,465 in his behalf. Ricky is not a dead beat dad, he's just a victim of adverse circumstances beyond his control."

As any thinking individual knows, nearly $75,000 is a difficult sum for anyone to raise in a short time. With the exception of Oral Roberts, who extorted 8 million dollars from an unsuspecting audience after having a near-death experience with a 900 foot Jesus figure, very few individuals have been able to draw anywhere near this amount of money anytime soon. One notable exception is William Jefferson Clinton, whose legal defense team raised millions of dollars to fight indictments stemming from the Monica Lewinsky and Whitewater scandals. Since Clinton is ultimately responsible for the incarceration of Ricky Morton to begin with, it is unlikely that the former President will lend a hand to bailing Morton out of jail.

Helprickymorton.org continues to establish a strong, airtight case for Morton's release. They argue that "Ricky is the primary caretaker of his four year old son Kerry James. This little boy is currently with his grandparents and missing his daddy more than words can describe." Followed by the standard anti-prison excuse that "Ricky has also been waging a battle outside the ring with various health issues
that have him on several medications. We are worried that his condition will get
progressively worse if he doesn't receive proper medical treatment."

Reading helprickymorton.org leads one to believe that the Tennessee penal system is harsh, brutal, and indubitably unfair. For these reasons, the good people of the United States must rally to Help Ricky Morton. Clinton, scared that the helprickymorton.org drive will cause a groundswell of public opinion to free the former Rock N Roll Express member. Using his residual influence as former President, and his connections with longtime Tennessee politician Albert Gore, Jr., Clinton is doing everything in his power to keep Morton incarcerated until after the 2008 Presidential election, when another scion of the South will rise to draw Dixie back into the Democratic Party where it belongs.

Fortunately for the good people of the United States and Ricky Morton himself, the webmaster of helprickymorton.org and the Tennessee wrestling community is taking direct and forceful action to raise the $75,000 necessary to free the once-great icon of Southern masculinity. For only $20, you can buy a copy of Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine autographed by Ricky himself. Another $20 will place your bid on an autographed poster of the Rock N Roll Express, prominently showcasing Robert Gibson's lazy eye and the terrible decade of fashion that was the 1980s. A bid of $40 gets you a copy of the autobiography of Jimmy "Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant, a barely literate pro wrestler that has shocked and awed crowds for decade with his downward spiral of weight loss and bad facial tatoos.

Helprickymorton.org has a vision. If they only sell 3,750 posters or guitars, Ricky will be a free man yet again. If they sell 1875 copies of the Valiant autobiography, Ricky will walk amongst us once more. The airtight strategy to raise money by exploiting Morton's Southern icon status is ingenious and will doubtless lead to the exoneration of Ricky Morton, as the massive amounts of wrestling fans will come to the assistance of one of their most beloved heroes.

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Ricky Morton -- Political Prisoner

The recent incarceration of one Richard J. Morton, professional wrestler and cultural icon of the modern South, disturbs me greatly. Specifically, I have issues with the Tennessee Judicial system and its punative and confiscatory nature. Jailing Mr. Morton without serious hope of restitution seems a very draconian sentence that does not fit the crime. His prison term is simply another effort to keep the white man of the South down

Mr. Morton, for those new to the region and this forum, was one-half of the Rock N Roll Express. The RNRE had a successful tenure the mid-80s in both the National Wrestling Alliance and World Championship Wrestling as a "face," or good guy, tag team. Capitaliing on their image as good ol' southern boys, the RNRE took advantage of Southerners predisposition to support all things related to Lynryd Skynrd and Foghat. Claiming to be the spirit of Southern rebelliousness, the RNRE grew their hair long, wore stylish ripped jeans and colorful wrestling attire, and entered the ring to Southern rock. In a business dominated by Southern stereotypes designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator, the RNRE had found a successful formula and were virtually unstoppable.

The RNRE was on top of the world in the late 1980s. Engaging in a series of "feuds" with their top rivals, the Midnight Express, the RNRE were among the most prominent teams in a sport dominated by individuals. Mr. Morton became the public face of the group as his partner, Robert Gibson, had both a lazy eye and serious issues with public speaking. Rather than scaring children and confusing their fans, Morton did most of the pre- and post-match boasting and, in the process, became regarded as one of the industry's top sex symbols. Women and children adored him for different reason. A RNRE look alike contest generated the most fan mail ever received by Turner Sports and stands as a testimony to the popularity of Ricky Morton.

Unfortunately, popularity is a fickle beast. Morton's fame began to fade at the same time that another southern male, William Jefferson Clinton's began. The Oxford-educated Governor of Arkansas based his 1992 presidential campaign with a clear cut strategy to appeal to the common voter. He remains the first and only presidential candidate to appear on the Arsenio Hall show. He made well-publicized appearances at NASCAR races and worked with the Arkansas television producers who created Designing Women, a late-80s staple of Southern humor.

Clinton and Morton entered 1992 on a collision course. Clinton's attempt to cast himself as a Southern good ol' boy who resonated with the working class directly clashed with Morton's presence as Southern wrestling icon. If Clinton was to be successful and win the states of the old Confederacy from the Reagan coalition, he would have to become identified as the hero of the Freebird-listening crowd. That was the core of Morton's identity, and the cultural spectrum of the South did not have room for both Clinton and Morton.

From 1991 on, Morton found his path to success blocked at every turn. His popularity began to fade in WCW due to controversial booking decisions. Both Dusty Rhodes and Ric Flair, two wrestlers with a great deal of backstage clout and their own share of Southern identity, thwarted Morton's attepts to become a bona fide main eventer. After his run in WCW ended, Morton attempted to work for a rival company the World Wrestling Federation. His career there was cut short, along with that of his protege, David "Kid" Kash, due to McMahon's disdain for all things Southern in pro-wrestling. Rumbles from behind the curtain believe that Clinton used his presidential office to delay an FCC investigation of the WWF if McMahon would fire Morton.

After Clinton left office in 2000, Morton's top political rival moved to Harlem, New York and cast off his image as Southern working-class hero in favor of the "First Black President" gimmick. His bloodlust for Ricky Morton, however, continued. Clinton used his residual power to keep Morton from acquiring employment at all but the smallest wrestling promotions throughout the South. Living a semi-nomadic existence in East Tennessee, Morton struggled to make his life meaningful again.

Now, in 2005, Clinton's final maneuver has signaled the death knell of Morton's career. A child support case that has laid dormant since 1991 has been resurrected by a judge in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, and Morton has been jailed until which time as he can pay a sum of $73,000. As a washed-up pro wrestler, Morton can not even imagine such a sum, yet the judiciary of the Volunteer State is forcing him to pay this amount. Insiders believe that Clinton and his Vice-President, Tennessee political Albert Gore, Jr., have attempted to use their power to keep Morton imprisoned until another Southern icon can emerge to bear the standard for the Democratic Party in 2008. This situation, and the political implications, bear close scrutiny in the coming days. Stay tuned to this site for further updates.

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The Lost Weekend - Oct 21-23

(Insert witty opening statement here.)

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The NBA implemented a new dress code of "business-casual" to promote a new, more professional look for the players, as opposed to the look of neanderthal cavemen who destroy everything in their path, which was promoted by that Pacers-Pistons brawl last season.

Reading this news, it appears that most of the players (notably black players, I'm observing) are really pissed about this change. The code apparently says that players cannot sport doo-rags, hats tilted sideways, t-shirts and jerseys, or big dookie gold chains. Players are expected to be representing the league when they are on league time (i.e. throughout the season, sitting injured on the bench, and on airplanes to away games).

This wasn't a problem for the Magics, the Isaiah's, the Ewings, and god forbid even the Barkleys. But for the Duncan's, the Iverson's, the Stephen Jackson's? Well...

-Said Tim Duncan: "I think it's a load of crap. I understand what they're trying to do with the hats and do-rags and jerseys and stuff. That's fine. But I don't understand why they would take it to this level. I think it's basically retarded. I don't like the direction they're going, but who am I?"

Yes, Tim, you're absolutely right. It is retarded to expect professional basketball players to act & dress like ... hmm, professionals? Dressing professional is retarded ... right, so I guess the Dawn of Hope residents look like Fortune 500 execs?

- Allen Iverson: ""I feel like if they want us to dress a certain way, they should pay for our clothes."

Hello, you shithead, they already are paying for your clothes, to the tune of millions of dollars a year.

- Stephen Jackson: "I have no problem dressing up (business) casual because I know I'm a nice-looking guy. But as far as chains, I definitely feel that's a racial statement. Almost 100 percent of the guys in the league who are young and black wear big chains. So I definitely don't agree with that at all."

Bwaa-hahahahaha! It wasn't even one news article out before someone started waving the race card. Jesus tapdancing Christ, it's getting so you can't do anything in the world today without someone thinking your infringing on their racial heritage. Oh, wait, Puff Daddy & Jay-Z are out wearing suits and casual business wear ... are they the victims of some vile racism too? And don't forget, Jackson, about 500 years ago, being young and black and wearing big chains ... you know, wasn't really that great a fashion statement.

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The SGM Hoss Report
Whatever happened to the big man in wrestling? As prominent as the Big John Studds, the Steve "Dr. Death" Williams, and the Van Vaders used to be, it seems that big name professional wrestling is relying more and more on the lighter middle- to cruiserweight wrestlers to push their product. John Cena is the current big name WWF champion. Jarrett is holding weight in a fed where the X-division reigns highly on the list of important contributions of TNA. However, the big man, the heaviest of heavyweights still lingers on. This is to review the contributions throughout the week of the big man ... the HOSS~!

(Now, understand that I've taken a brief hiatus from watching WWF product, simply because Raw, the flagship of the company, has grown to insult me by relying on tactics better suited for 6-8 years ago, but have no business on my TV in 2005. That said, I will be relying on newsreports of the shows to get an idea of who's coming up in the hoss game.)

1) Batista: Remains the WWF World Champion for Smackdown! since April 3, 2005. Shame that the apparent quality of SD! doesn't exactly make this achievement that great. However, Eddie Guerrero made Lesnar look even better. Speaking of ...

2) Brock Lesnar: Lesnar remains New Japan's heavyweight title holder. Rumors of him being involved in TNA are apparently way off base, and will be until 2010, when his no-compete clause settlement with WWF expires for American competition. By that time, expect him back in WWF, dancing with the Mariachis and destroying midgets until sundown.

3) Kane: The big Fred machine came back, and I think if I was actually watching Raw, I would have automatically known the outcome of the battle royal the minute he came out. So he scored a berth in the running for Cena's title, good for him. I figured it was time for the annual "let's push Kane for the title for a little while, just for fun" run. Of course, anyone who puts down money on the chances of a Cena/Angle/Kane main at Taboo Tuesday might as well just hand their money over to me. I see Kane/Big Show vs. Cade/Murdoch ... "so long tag titles, we hardly knew ye."

4) Big Show: He also scores a high spot for Taboo Tuesday, defeating Edge to be considered as a candidate for a World Title shot against Cena, with Angle seconding. But, see also "Kane, Big Red Machine, The" for my beliefs on his chances. Sorry, that main is Cena/Angle/Michaels, anything else is just worked balloting. Imagine Big Showbowski to team with Kane ... I'm also calling a turn between to two, to set up the umpteenth Kane/Big Show angle. Shame Ray Traylor (rest his soul) already made off with BS's dad's corpse ... maybe Kane can rape it, given his cadaver love.

5) Monty Brown: Steals the win in the big six-man tag match on Impact 10/22, killing AJ Styles with a Pounce from nowhere. He's looking solid going into his World title hunt, which should strongly commence after his destruction of Lance Hoyt at "Bound For Glory." Were I writing this on Sunday, post-PPV, he'd probably rank higher on the list than #5.

6) JBL: His stock may have dipped some since he lost the World title, and he may not have been able to do shit for Batista in the ring, but his bullying persona, combined with this decimation of Rey Misterio, seems to fit well. It would be amusing if Misterio & JBL were picked for the same side in the Raw vs. Smackdown tag hyped for TabTues. But the sheep will probably pick Matt Hardy ... pbbbbt.

7) Abyss: Kane-Lite continues to destroy and make me a happy man. Shame he can't translate this into a TNA title shot. Chalk me up to one person who'd be extremely pleased with an Abyss/Samoa Joe match. Book it, STAT!

8) Chris Masters: So, have we given up on the Masterlock Challenge? No one can break it?? C'mon, surely someone can ... anyone? Hello? All I hear is crickets chirping.

Hoss to watch
Bobby Lashley: Ahmed Johnson 2005 looked pretty solid in the two matches I was priveleged to see him compete in. Now, if only he can break out the botches and accidental concussions & multiple self-inflicted injuries, and we'll have a return to my favorite black wrestler of all time.

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[Comics] Infinite Crisis #1

The Good:
Wonder Woman, murderer - 'Bout damn time, too. Although it really puts into question the wisdom of writing Max Lord as the killer of Blue Beetle, if the plan was for him to get offed so soon.

Geoff Johns - He ain't no Marv Wolfman, but he can handle multi-character stories well enough.

Everything old is new again - The Titans to Freedom Fighters transitions was very well done. Now, do I honestly think any of these folks are truly dead/ won't be somehow resurrected in some later storyline? Hell no.

"The last time you inspired anyone was when you were dead."

The Not-so-much:
Seven issues do not a maxi-series make - I like the almost 2 yr setup of this storyline, don't get me wrong. But when it finally went down, I feel like I'm coming into the middle of something, instead of wholeheartedly being down with the whole story.

Earth-2 Superman? - Double-you tee eff? You gotta be joking me. I just don't see that working. That singlehandedly made this thing feel like "Secret Wars 2," to me.

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Scary Movie Madness: Horror Films coming out Oct 25 2005

A complete overload of giallo next week, it appears.

• Bird With the Crystal Plumage
  
• Cannibal Holocaust
  
• Day Of The Triffids
  
• Dead & Buried
  
• Doctor Blood's Coffin
  
• Dominion: Prequel To The Exorcist (Yes, there's already one out, called "Exorcist the Beginning." That was done by a different director, with a different storyline. "Dominion" is the original director's vision. I read about this in Fangoria ... the whole thing smells like a work for more money to me.)
  
• Frankenstein's Bloody Terror
  
• House Of Wax (Not the Vincent Price one. Not worth your time. Seeing Paris Hilton get killed provides as much visceral thrills as watching her get fucked. And having seen the latter, I can only imagine her acting is just as shitty in the former.)
  
• Kadokawa Mystery & Horror Tales
  
• Munsters Complete Season 2
  
• Nail Gun Massacre
  
• Seven Deaths In The Cat's Eye
  
• Spider Forest
  
• Strip Nude For Your Killer
  
• Terror Beneath The Sea
  

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Amazon.com is running a Buy 2-Get 1 Free sale for all videogames. Sell your first born, get copies of "Psychonauts," "God of War," and "Shadow of the Colossus." That last one, PSM ranks that bad boy pretty damn high. The first two I have, and are very solid gaming experiences. Although you could probably hit the Toys R Us stores and get better selections, as Amazon keeps you pinned in to the same price categories.

Me, I think I'm going the cheap way out this time and going for some twenty bones games.

Sale ends the 29th of Octoberpus.

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Junkyard Dog & Rodney Dangerfield are your 2005 Hennig Cup winners!

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TNA Bound For Glory
Bell time: 7:30PM

Match Lineup

NWA World Title Match
Jeff Jarrett (c) -vs- Kevin Nash
Special guest referee: Tito Ortiz

(Note: News reports have come out saying that Nash was rushed to the hospital this weekend, and he may not be in shape to compete. Don't know how this affects the show.)

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TNA X Title Match
30 Min Ironman Match
AJ Styles (c) -vs- Christopher Daniels

(I still say that 30 minutes does not an Ironman match make, but hey, Styles/Daniels I at Against All Odds was alleged to be a great match, so we'll see.)

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NWA World Tag Team Title Match
America's Most Wanted (James Storm/Chris Harris)(c)
-vs-
The Naturals (Chase Stevens/Andy Douglas)

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Ultimate X Match
Winner is the #1 contender to the X division title
Petey Williams -vs- Chris Sabin -vs- Matt Bentley

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Monsters Ball 2
Jeff Hardy -vs- Abyss -vs- Rhino -vs- Sabu

(People have been bitching about the stips for this, where the four wrestlers are "locked in a room for 24 hrs with no light, no food, no water, then released to unleash psychotic holy hell on their opponents." People are too damn "smart" for their own good, I say.)

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Samoa Joe -vs- Jushin "Thunder" Liger

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X-Division Four-Way Match
Sonjay Dutt -vs- Austin Aries -vs- Alex Shelley -vs- Roderick Strong

(I don't know much about this match, but I know from having watched enough ROH that you have in this match 3 members of Generation Next in Aries, Shelley, and Strong. Hmmm ... Doesn't look good for Dutt. I hope this means Jack Evans shows up.)

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Lance Hoyt -vs- Monty Brown

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3 Live Kru -vs- Team Canada

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Simon Diamond, David Young & Elix Skipper
-vs-
Apolo, Sonny Siaki & Shark Boy

(Right here's your "free 30 minutes," plus a number of promos to get the show started.)

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Again, another weekend down, another article out.

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SGM Review: The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior

I've been a wrestling fan for as long as I can remember; my formative years consisted mainly of TBS' Saturday night wrestling programming comprised of Georgia Championship Wrestling and various other Southern staples of the NWA variety. The WWF was something of a rarity to me back then, for whatever reason. I vaguely remember digging the Junkyard Dog and the Hart Foundation and knowing "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and others from the Saturday morning cartoon. Hazy memories of watching the infamous "evil twin screwjob" match between Hogan and Andre on Saturday Night's Main Event float through my brain like so much detritus. I didn't watch much wrestling between 1990 and 1994, but when I returned to the fold my programming of choice was the WWF, although in a two year period between the Royal Rumble in 1994 and whenever it was that the WWF turned all of the non-Monday night programming into recap garbage I was watching approximately twelve hours of wrestling a week from all three of the big three promotions (WWF, WCW and ECW), plus renting various wrestling tapes from the local rental stores to catch up on all that I missed when I was away.

One part of that history that I missed was the Ulitmate Warrior. I knew of him mainly from the first WWF arcade game, Superstars, where the Warrior would press slam his opponent out of the squared circle and onto the protective blue mat that surrounded the ring. I eventually saw most of his big matches from the four major PPVs of the era: the Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, Summerslam, and Survivor Series, plus other random appearance on the old Coliseum Video compilation tapes. Crappy matches abound when dealing with the Warrior; he was a 'roided up body with coked up eyes, poofed up hair and whacked out interviews who ran like a madman into the ring, bounced around for about two minutes with a few ragdoll tosses of his opponent thrown in for good measure, got the pinfall and then ran back to the dressing room. And that was that.

What catching up on the early 90s in professional wrestling through the haphazard renting and borrowing of tapes lacked was continuity. I would occasionally rent tapes in an order that followed certain feuds, usually the Undertaker or Bret Hart, but most of what I knew about the Ultimate Warrior was disjointed. A Wrestlemania here, a Survivor Series there. This Summerslam, that Royal Rumble. And given his relatively short tenure in the WWF, four quarterly pay-per-view appearances didn't tell much of the story at all. The rest was filled in as I discovered the Internet Wrestling Community, a group of retarded, basement-dwelling homos with their own water-brained ideas for how professional wrestling should really be. Various retellings of this incident or that incident when the Ultimate Warrior ran howling from the business that made him a star, looped out of his head on psilocybin or LSD or a mixture of coke and steroids; stories that in a business with no objective truth have no objective value. The truth is whatever the last person to tell you about it says it is; if you weren't there, it didn't happen.

But the Ultimate Warrior has a perverse appeal, even to someone like myself who has fairly refined tastes in professional wrestling. A man with a short shelf life, in the big picture of history and the small picture of the single match. Blazing, adrenaline rushing entrance music, the sprint to the ring, the shoulder block, the second shoulder block, the third shoulder block, the press slam, the flying press, the pinfall. The mesmerizingly insane promos about outer space and dead Warriors of the past and unborn Warriors of the future and fuck knows what else the voices in his head were shouting at him at any given moment. And, as with all wrestlers who were ever given the top billing on any show that drew more than fifteen people, an over-inflated sense of self-worth. No humility, no understanding of the business, nothing about Jim Hellwig that should in any way endure him to anyone who has ever watched the Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels Iron Man Match at Wrestlemania XII or Chris Benoit and Edde Guerrero bust their asses in a wrestling ring and enjoyed every minute of it.

So when the WWE announced the release of "The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior" on DVD, I knew I had to see it. Not just see it, but own it. Prior to this weekend I owned not one single DVD containing professional wrestling. I, who have watched at least ten-thousand hours of professional wrestling in my lifetime, had not purchased any professional wrestling on the best medium for archival footage yet offered, promptly bought "The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior" for $16 dollars at Wal-Mart. Then I went home and watched as the WWE did everything possible to bury Jim Hellwig for no other reason than that was as they were wont to do. To remake history in their own image.

The reality is, there was very little for the WWE to do to bury Jim Hellwig but to tell the truth. Or at least, the ostensible truth, what they want you to know as they will presumably be the last people to tell you about it. Honestly, I know to take what Vince McMahon says about Hellwig holding him up for more money at SummerSlam '91 and Hellwig's disappearance in 1996 with a grain of salt. The same goes for what Triple H says about his experience with Hellwig at Wrestlemania XII and anything Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff say about anything, especially that relating to whatever the WWE wants them to talk about now that the WWE is the only game in town for two limelight addicts who have only ever gotten limelight from one business.

Jim Ross is a company man and so are Bruce Prichard and Gene Okerlund. Ted DiBiase is more or less in the same boat as Hogan and Bischoff. The only man whose opinion is given on this DVD that I'd believe without thinking about is Bobby Heenan and even he sounds unneccesarily angry about Hellwig's rise in the business.

The story starts with the Warrior's beginnings in a tag team with the man who would eventually be called Sting, the Blade Runners. Jerry Lawler tells a story of how green they were when they worked the Memphis territory, although he knew they would both be stars one day. They move on to the Warrior's days as the Dingo Warrior in WCCW and the UWF, then to his signing with the WWF. McMahon didn't plan to use the Warrior name, as the Road Warriors were popular at the time and one of the von Erich boys was calling himself the "Modern Day Warrior" in Texas. A discussion with Prichard led to McMahon expressing the desire to promote him as "more than a Road Warrior, more than a Modern Day Warrior, the...Ultimate Warrior." And thus McMahon both stripped him of his previous identity and gave him a new one, more or less the same yet different.

From there they explore the origins of the entrance, his feuds with Hercules Hernandez and Bobby Heenan, "humorously" explain the concept of Parts Unknown, the surprise victory over the Honky Tonk Man that began his run with the Intercontinental Championship, his feuds with Rick Rude and Andre the Giant and his strange interviews. The first half of the story ends at Wrestlemania VI with the "passing of the torch" from Hogan to the Warrior. Warrior's entire existence and identity will forever be linked with Hogan because of this match and his subsequent, almost immediate, decline in the business. This match is notable for many reasons, least often mentioned is that it involved two men who believed the world consisted of two distinct people: Little Warriors and Hulkamaniacs. Both men were clearly under the influence of many drugs at the time, but only one went on to write a song about a young Hulkamaniac dying and going to Heaven, damned to an eternity of Hogan matches. Score one for the Warrior.

The only person that seemed to grasp that the point of the Warrior "hailing" from Parts Unknown was that it would be stupid for the Warrior to be from Los Angeles or Des Moines was DiBiase, which is such an obvious point that trying to make fun of it is just as dumb as the idea of the Warrior "hailing" from Des Moines. And no one seemed to grasp that part of the Warrior's appeal, or at least his identity, were his rambling promos of almost Lewis Caroll-like insanities that gave the impression that the Warrior truly was a descendent of greater entities, sent here to vanquish evil. Not just another dude from Venice Beach all juiced up with a shiny body.

At this point they've put over the idea that the Warrior rose to a prominent position due to charisma and look rather than ability, which is more stating of the obvious although they did give credit where credit was due in pointing out his charisma and look. It's clear that they really went around the barn to find material to bury the Warrior when a simple post-it note's worth of writing would explain this whole thing: "Jim Hellwig was a crazy body-builder who was booked to be a World Champion." Thank you, good fuck night.

Fortunately, they didn't stop there as they covered with the feud with "Macho King" Randy Savage, giving them the opportunity to include the full Wrestlemania VII "Retirement Match" with one of the greatest finishes ever: Savage drops the Elbow Smash on Warrior FIVE TIMES only to have the Warrior kick out and eventually proceed to give Savage three big shoulder blocks followed by a pinfall victory in which the Warrior pins Savage with a single foot on the chest. They edited out the part where Miss Elizabeth kicks Queen Sherry's ass, which sucks, but this is about the Warrior, not Savage.

Unfortunately, they didn't stop there as they recounted his feud with Iraqi-sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter (not a single mention of how stupid an idea an Iraqi-symapthizing Slaughter was), the SummerSlam '91 "controversy," Warrior's subsequent return at WrestleMania VIII, the rumors of the Warrior's death and replacement, his feud with Papa Shango complete with footage of the "green vomit incident" (!), his return in 1996, his departure in 1996, his subsequent lawsuit for the rights to the name "Ultimate Warrior" and how Hellwig legally changed his name to "Ultimate Warrior" to attempt to acquire the intellectual rights to the name, WCW's Ultimate Warrior clone "Renegade" (no mention of his suicide later in life), the Warrior's WCW debut, the rematch at Halloween Havoc, his departure from WCW and a brief overview of the Warrior's "legacy" in professional wrestling.

The only interesting moments I found in the latter half of the disc are Hogan recounting a story about wanting to break Hellwig's leg in the locker room for daring to hold the WWF up for more money in such a dastardly manner, my sincere desire to witness Hogan's brutal death increasing exponentially as a result of this story, Hogan later expressing his love for the man Jim Hellwig, my sincere desire to witness Hogan's brutal death increasing exponentially as a result of this contradictory comment, Eric Bischoff denying that the Warrior was brought into WCW solely to return "the favor" to Hogan from WM XII, my sincere desire to witness Hogan's brutal death increasing exponentially as a result of this outright lie, Bischoff attempting to denigrate Warrior's wrestling ability in the same sentence in which he says "Hogan...[can't] neccesarily have a great match with everybody. He's gotta be in the ring with someone who compliments his style, who compliments his character," and my sincere desire to witness Hogan's brutal death increasing exponentially as a result of this absurd statement. And the "green vomit incident" with Shango.

Again, this DVD is using a million-dollar sentence to express a ten-cent idea. Hellwig was a shitty wrester, but even Stevie Wonder could see that. He was charisma and look, but so was half of the WWE roster in the late 80s and early 90s and even today. He was an asshole, but so is everyone who has ever worked the main event at WrestleMania, except for Steve Austin and the Rock and maybe Bret Hart before Goldberg broke his brain.

The bonus matches are a jobber squash, probably his TV debut (Wrestling Challenge, 1987), Honky Tonk Man (SummerSlam, 1988), Hogan (WM VI, 1990), Rick Rude (SummerSlam 1990), and Randy Savage (WM VII, 1991). The bonus segments are a story about Warrior almost breaking Lawler's hip in Memphis, a commercial for Warrior University and McMahon talking about its' failure, Christian's version of the WM VI promo about Warrior telling Hogan to hijack his own plane which isn't nearly as funny as one might expect and DiBiase recounting an autograph signing where the Warrior is an asshole.

I can't say this isn't worth watching, but I passed up the opportunity to buy the Undertaker retrospective, which I would have probably loved like it was my own child, or the Road Warriors retrospective, which I also would have probably loved like it was my own child, which I also saw while at Best Buy on Friday, but I decided against it and picked up this at Wal-Mart. I saved about seven dollars with this purchase, but most likely shaved years off my life on Hogan-related fury alone.

Two and a half count.

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You've got questions, I've got answers.

Why doesn't Hallmark make a "I'm sorry I slipped it up your bottom" card?

Because they know you're not really sorry that you slipped it up her bottom and they have enough bullshit to peddle as it is without insulting someone's intelligence. They have, however, considered a "I wouldn't have taken it out if you hadn't screamed like a banshee" card, but they realize that this is also too obvious of a sentiment for anyone to believe you cared enough to spend money in order to express it.

This has been SGM's "Answers to rare rhetorical questions" segment, funded in part by viewers not quite like you who are decent enough to send in donations.

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Procrastination

NP: Could he Dig Without Arms -- Forth Effect

This week is officially been declared "Disertation Editing Week" by yours truly. You see, the ability to churn out a chapter every three weeks leads to the need for heavy editing before the product moves on to a professor's desks. Some things I have learned after a close read of the first 15 pages of chapter 2.

1) John L. Lewis was an egotistical son of a bitch

2) There are only so many synonyms for "support," "faction," and "group." I think I have used all of them

3) Active voice is much better than passive voice

4) Things blur together when you spend too much time on them

5) It is easier to work in a coffee shop in the morning when it is dead, rather than when it is busy and kids are talking.

Ok....I'm going to break into some more observational humor. I'm at a table next to the window, with my back to a wall. I have one neighbor...a table in front of me with two girls. These girls are very, very loud. They also seem to hold well-formed opinions on things that know nothing about. They appear to be trying to study, as one has a TI-83 calculator (Thanks Office Depot!), but the fat girl sitting with her side to me, will not shut the hell up at all. I mean....I expect people to talk in a coffee shop (unlike the library from two posts prior), but this girl needs an off button in the worst way. She also has more chins than a shaving academy. As I typed that....she stuck her highlighter up her nose. I wish I had the vocabulary to accurately describe that to the blogosphere, but I just can't.

Lots of students attend the University of Florida, and these girls appear to know all of them. At least they have discussed half of them and what they wore out this weekend. I'm hoping that they have a 6:15 class, but the chances of that are looking slim.

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The Lost Weekend - Oct 16 2005

Wow, one week in and already I seemed to have dropped this little project. Actually, though, blame paperwork, as it goes when you write therapy notes and lectures for about 8-10 hours on end, you have a tendency not to want to write an article, no matter how much you like doing that. Anyway, here we are, on the 16, and it's a whole new weekend. Huzzah.

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Why doesn't Hallmark make a "I'm sorry I slipped it up your bottom" card?

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Taylor Behl? Yeah, I'd fuck her ...
(God, I can only hope that shows up on a search engine.)

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Just had the pleasure of watching two movies that I just got from the best online movie store in the freakin' world, Deep Discount DVD.

Thriller, or They Call Her One Eye: Good lord, you want to know where Tarantino steals all his ideas? Just look at grindhouse and foreign cinema. "Thriller" is basically "Kill Bill" if Elle Driver was the bride & didn't talk, with some hardcore sex thrown in (you see insertion, which was quite unexpected) to punctuate the tragic storyline. It's revenge at its most visceral and most basic ... Christine Lindberg is one hot chickie, color-coordinated eye patch, monster bush and all. She plays a girl who gets throw into a world of prostitution, and from day one plots her way out; for her disobedience there are consequences though, like the scene where her eye is gouged out. When that magic day of redemption comes, buddy, blam. It's one raw film (it's subtitled "A Cruel Picture").

*Note: There's a yellow covered DVD edition called the "Vengeance Edition," which is the film minus the graphic sex scenes (for sale in retail chains like Best Buy, which I guess shy away from selling graphic sex).

Dog Soldiers: Coop clued me into how cool this film was while it was on the way in the mail. Judas wept, what a film! SAS troops vs. werewolves ... blood, gore, and violence abounds. About 3/4 the way through, I was wondering if this'd be the first werewolf film I'd see w/o a transformation scene (which would have been balls), but I was pleased to see that wasn't the case. Fantastic acting on the parts of all involved, and an incredible amount of suspense is maintained almost from the first scene to the last. Definitely one to watch/buy, and pair it with "Ginger Snaps" for a double feature for Halloween, and I assure you there'll be no disappointment.

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Thanks Raw 10/10 ... for showing me the light. See, when a zombie like Linda McMahon becomes your top heel, it's time to throw in the towel. Therefore, I'm officially giving up on watching WWF for the next 30 days ... let's call it an experiment I'm undertaking.

WWF moved back to USA, and for the second week in a row it's like 1999 all over again. The McMahons are far enough out of touch with their fanbase that they aren't even good enough to book a shitty show, much less a good one.

Last Monday's Raw was abysmal. But, at least for the next 30 days, I'm giving up on the show, so that I won't have anything to complain about neh-more. Bwah-ha-ha!

Unless TNA starts sucking the meatpole ... which it hasn't ... yet ... *dumh dumh dahhhhh* Of course, if this does start to happen, at least I can always count on DVDs from ROH, TNA, and the superstar editions from WWF.

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Is Wikipedia for real?
(Each word leads to a different article ... some may be NSFW.)

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While working my way through the Undertaker legacy DVD set (revisiting disc 2 of 3 as we speak), I can honestly say that you can never hear the man's opening theme song too much. Not at all; almost, what, 20 yrs in the game and the man's really changed very little in anything ... his gimmick, his promos, his moveset, his angles, his entrances ... how much you want to bet he NEVER lets go of his Wrestlemania winning streak?

I still say the Inferno match fun to watch. Why this has never made it into a WWF video game is a disappointment ... unless it has made it into one of those Acclaim abortions or the THQ Smackdown games that I can never get the hang of.

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October has rocked the block for rap album releases this year. Just the tip of the iceberg:

Blackalicious - "The Craft": Some of the work on here isn't as reach-out-&-grab-you as their previous work on "Blazing Arrow," but they work that same album's "one whole composition composed of each track" concept neatly. "Power" sounds suspiciously like "Hey Yahh" by Outkast, which makes me cringe. Yes, I may be elitist as fuck, but I truly think that the Black Eyed Peas were better before "Elephunk" (because then came that song about some chick's ass), and Outkast were better prior to "Stankonia" (because then came Andre Benjamin's acting career). - 2 1/2 count

Strong Arm Steady - "The Collection Vol. 1": Krondon is probably my new favorite rapper, no matter how much like Rondo Hatton he looks. Maybe it's because he's just "too big headed to stop" ("What Is It"). He turns in one of the most sparkling joints in "Million," and his flow, while not necessarily the most lethal, certainly is life-threatening. And I for one will always mark out over any combination of Planet Asia, Xzibit, and Phil tha Agony. - 2 3/4 count

Danger Doom - "The Mask & The Mouse": The collab between Danger Mouse & MF Doom that Adult Swim's been harping about since mid-August is finally here. It has some really good tracks ("The Mask," "Old School"), and some interesting concepts ("Vat of Urine"), but interjections by Aqua Teen Hunger Force characters, a short running time (a little over 30 min), and self-censoring keep this one from being the classic I was hoping it would be. - 2 count

M.O.P. - "St. Marxmen": Hadn't heard much about this release, although I have heard that M.O.P. have been scoped out by 50 Cent for his G-Unit. Oh well, I still like 'em. Firing squad!! - Rating pending.

Public Enemy - "New Whirl Odor": "Rebirth of a Nation" was supposed to come out first, but legal stuff is keeping it on the shelves until Jan 2006, so N.W.O. (minus Kevin Nash & Stevie Ray, hopefully) is coming at us from Slam Jamz. No advance words on what to expect, but I hope against watered-down PE funk; maybe Flav will apologize on wax for almost aborting all that PE had done right with his VH1 garbage. - Rating pending.

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Of course, missing last week, I missed putting up the horror movie DVD releases for the week. Here's what came out last week ...

• The Dark
• Frankenstein Island (Ooh, John Carradine = workrate!!)
• Hammerhead (A Sci Fi Channel favorite)
• High Tension
• Hookers In A Haunted House (I could get behind the philosophy behind remakes if they'd remake this one, starring Misty Mundae [may be NSFW]
• Undead

And, in the interest of the possibility that I might miss next week, here's what's coming out then, too ...

• Dark Shadows, The Revival - The Complete Series
• Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium
• Season of the Witch
• Ghost Hunters - Season 1
• Land Of The Dead
• Saw (Uncut Edition)

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Super Saturday Funtime Review Saga
(Doyou taisaku-ma supa rebyu-fan)

Return Of The Living Dead: Necropolis

What Worked:
- "Send more security guards."
- Peter Coyote ain't your uncle, he's your daddy.
- Tazing the victim to tazer the zombie is even cooler when the victim is a 10 yr old.
- Oh shit, they killed the kid! Hot damn, that's something you don't see everyday ...
- The cyber zombies were too cool for school; worlds ahead of the primitive work they were doing with the cybernetic enhancements on the living dead in "Return 3."

What Sucked:
- "Have you ever wanted to get it on with a triple-jointed Sagitarius gymnast?"
- Just when you thought Zeke's dialogue couldn't get worse, he busts out the post-mortem soliloquy.
- Poor attention to continuity; In "Return of the Living Dead 1-3," headshots do nothing to stop the living dead, but suddenly for this installment they do.
- Did 4-eyes just say, "Bring it, biotch?"

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Return Of The Living Dead: Rave To The Grave

What Worked:
- The naked devil girl during the drug dealer's trip.
- When the zombie chick starts going down on her boyfriend: "I usually have to take you to Olive Garden first."
- The INTERPOL guys were a nice addition.

What Sucked:
- Network television censorship, saving my virgin eyes from numerous tittie shots.
- Uncle George bites it early.
- The apparent disregard for time frames when it comes to how long it takes folks to become zombies ... some turn instantaneously, some take days and days. No rhyme or reason to this, either ... that's just lazy.
- The lack of continuity from the previous film to this one ... why do the same characters not know what's going on, when they were involved heavily in zombie shenanigans from the prior film?
- Tar Man 2k5; Alex Trauman, you are sorely missed, my man.
- Apparently, "brains" in Lithuania translates into "chunks from the backs of victims' skulls," as very little actual "brain" munching went on, for the sake of "skullchunk" munching.

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TNA: Impact on Spike! (Oct 15 2005)

What Worked:
- That bomb ass funeral segment; from the WWF jabs (check out the guestbook before the segment kicks into high gear, as well as a Katie Vick reference), to some nice subtle and not-so-subtle humor (the price markdown of the 3D merchandise was a nice touch), to Team Canada~!, the whole thing just freaking worked.
- Sabu vs. Rhino, in what, a rematch from their "One Night Stand" match?
- Very nice build toward the Bound For Glory PPV on the 23rd; in just three short weeks, I know who's facing who, who's involved in what general storyline, I know my faces, I know my heels ... the booking hasn't been too bad, and it seems to have settled into a comfortable groove, following the first show which was criticized for being a bit rushed.

What Sucked:
- AJ Styles almost frugged up a fine main event with his slip off the top rope. An accident, I understand, but it still sucked.
- Daniels' fucking collar; where the hell'd he dig that thing up from? I've watched TNA on & off since it's inception, and this is the first time I'd noticed that thing. You're telling me he waited 'til now to break that out?!
- Oh, Mikey Batts & Jerrell Clark, how far you have fallen ... I would have dug a feud between this team and the Naturals back in the day, but when Monty "Goddamn" Brown takes you out, you have no chance.
- That damn fat-burner commercial, playing in every other break. I think I would have preferred a return to the Girls Gone Wild commercials, I don't care if Tracy Brooks does make a reference to dropping trou'.

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Okay, that's it for me. Thanks for reading. Catch you on the Darkside ... vote for your team in the 2005 Hennig Cup!

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Things that suck....

NP: So Much Trouble In The World -- Bob Marley

Only one thing that sucks today. When you have a nice table set up in the library working, and three engineering students come up, take the other side of the table, and begin to discuss loudly how to solve problems.

Dumbasses.

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South Central Rain

NP: Saturday Night Live

It was a rainy, depressing day in the 352. For some reason, in the last 2 weeks I've heard the R.E.M. song "South Central Rain" five or six times. Random songs call for random facts and opinions.

Random Opinion 1: Saturday Night Live is a shadow of its former self. Napoleon Dynamite is hosting tonight and the show has just not been funny. Right now, they have a sketch where the full moon causes Napoleon Dynamite to turn into a werewolf....but it really just makes him have a moustache. How this premise got out of the writing room I have no idea. If this is the best idea that a group of comedy professionals could come up with, the humor industry is in sad, sad shape. Maybe weekend update will save it, but I doubt it.

Random Fact 1: Writer's block is gone. I skipped that passage and moved on...and shot out five pages tonight at Starbucks. Unfortunately, I am now too caffinated to go to sleep....so it looks like its time for more FIFA 2004.

Random Fact 2: FIFA 2004 is the best soccer game ever produced. It beats Sony's World Tour Soccer and blows the Winning Eleven series away out of the gate. I'm in career mode and I carried Cambridge United to the League Two championship and the Vans trophy in my first year....then West Ham (!!!) made an offer for me. For some reason, Teddy Sheringham isn't on the roster. I have to keep them in the top half of the table to keep my job...but for some reason Man City and Tottenham Hotspur are in the Championship.

Random Opinion 2: SNL just got even worse. Its Bill Frist and Tom Delay in a Thelma and Louise sketch. The writing is even worse than the werewolf sketch. I remember when political satire used to be funny.

Random Fact 3: I need to do laundry.

Random Fact 4: The Braves and Vols let me down. Now, all I need is the Dobyns-Bennett Indians to lose in the playoffs and my fall sports lineup is complete.

Random Opinion 3: R.E.M. was so much better with Bill Berry.

Random Fact 5: R.E.M. was so much better with Bill Berry.

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Writer's Block

NP: Shipwrecked -- Sky Cries Mary

Writer's block is absolutely, positively the worst thing a graduate student can deal with, aside from losing your funding or not having health insurance. I have a very tight writing schedule that I HAVE to follow in order to be finished before the dissertation director leaves for his new job in Manchester. This means PRESSURE, PRESSURE, PRESSURE.

For example, take today. I have to write 8 pages today in order to stay reasonably close to on track. 8 pages is a lot. I have done 9 in a day before but had to do seriously heavy editing on it the following week. So far, I have one in about an hour and a half. That's not good. Yesterday, when I was unblocked, I did 3 pages in 2 hours. I'm in bad shape today.

I am stuck, for all intents and purposes, at one particular passage. I keep going back and forth from the theoretical to the specific and my transitions are getting repetitive. You see, politics in the 1940s and 1950s were like Survivor is today. People would form alliances within their own parties and hold those alliances through an election cycle. Once the cycle ended, there would be a brief (8 month or so) period of shuffle where the alliances fractures and were rebuilt. On Survivor, this happens whenever there are an odd-number of contestants. If there are 7 people, it usually breaks down to a 3-3-1 situation...who ever the one goes with wins the next two votes until it is a 3-1-1. Then, the two singlets can flip one of the majority (usually the one in the weakest position) and make a new 3-2 majority, or both get picked off.

That is exactly what the Republican Party did after the election of 1948...only I can't write in my dissertation that "The Taft and Stassen organizations teamed up to swing moderates from New Mexico, Indiana, and Montana to gain control of the RNC just like Boston Rob, Amber, and Rupert did on Survivor:All Stars." That just want fly. It is the single most-difficult passage I have had to write and it looks like it is going to derail my entire schedule. Ugh, gag, and vomit.

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The Case Against Humanity: McDonald's as Social Microcosm.

I don't have a lot of faith in humanity. Shocking, I know. Spend a few months working at McDonald's and you'd agree.

Don't get me wrong. It's not just that general "what the fuck am I doing working at McDonald's" feeling. It's more than that.

The first evidence comes from my fellow employees. Not to say that they're all worthless, because some of them aren't. The better workers tend to be a few years older or considerably older than I am, complete with common sense, a useful skillset and a work ethic. But those people are few and far between, who for some reason, never needed to set their personal career bar higher than burger assembly and have been able to happily maintain their position. And still, they strike one as poor souls ground into a barely lifeless shell by years spent toiling in the greasy kitchen of culinary hell. But they are what they are.

No, the problem is with the workers my age who apparently apply for jobs as sport, then compete in such contests as "see who can show up for work the least," "miss the most days before getting fired," and "complain the most about how hard a job that requires little more than existing as a skillset." One girl complained about not getting a break while she was on break. She's a gold medalist.

But the evidence doesn't end there. No, exhibit b is the people that, day after day, absolutely have to have their Mickey D fix. Without fail, these people return to McDonald's time and time again to gorge themselves on 99-cent double cheeseburgers and 2-for-1 bacon, egg and cheese biscuits. There's a Wendy's next door and a Chick-fil-A across the street, even a fucking Taco Hell on the corner adjacent, all of which offer, to varying degrees, superior alternatives to the godforsaken, alleged food-like substances McDonald's peddles. Even more disheartening is that the least popular item, in terms of sales, that McDonald's offers is the item most likely to evoke the sensation of actually consuming food: Chicken Strips. Surprisingly, the Chicken Strips are a high quality chicken product, which explains a) the high price and b) the lack of sales.

And it's not just the lack of quality in the food-like products, it's also the preparation. I realize that, in terms of eating outside of your own home, ignorance is bliss, but if you expect that a teenager making minimum wage in today's world of 3-dollar gallons of gas and 20-dollar CDs is in the slightest bit interested in the safety regulations meant to protect you from gastric disorders, you get what you deserve. Now, I've worked in two other restaurants, which were legitimate fine-dining experiences, complete with well trained chefs and gays. (Ironically, one of those chefs, a graduate of Johnson and Wales University, claims the goddamned Big Mac as her favorite food.) So let me say this: in terms of restaurant experiences, it is far better to have your salad tossed by a middle-aged gay man than to have the prettiest teenager handle your meat in the grill area. Keep that in mind on your next lunch break. Actually, just keep that in mind.

As absurd as all that has been, the most insane piece of evidence is this: a shocking number of medical professionals eat at McDonald's as regularly as the general public. My brother-in-law recently had to make a trip to the emergency room and was recognized by at least two people, a nurse and a doctor, from his position as manager at McDonald's. To paraphrase Lewis Black, I don't know much (this is where he usually says "but I do know this," and I won't claim to know something that medical professionals don't because it would probably involve professional wrestling or rock music of the Pacific Northwest from the mid/late-80s through the early/mid 90s), but I do know this: I'm not entirely reassured by the idea that someone who doesn't know better than to not eat at McDonald's often enough to recognize someone as an employee of McDonald's might be trying to figure out what medical problems I am suffering from.

So, there you have it: McDonald's as a microcosm of the ills of our current society.

Also, I'd like to point out a great deal of misogyny in Nate's Tuesday/Wednesday installment of the Lost Week. The entire week was a ridiculous amount of output; nice work.

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Raw Homecoming - It should have stayed gone.

I tuned in about fifteen min late, so I just missed Randy Orton putting down Roddy Piper & Mick Foley.

The 30 min Ironman match started okay, despite the overall lack of cohesive psychology ... Michaels superkicks with the injured leg? Angle tries to go after the uninjured leg? Then an unresolved draw ending? Not a promising start. And one aside here: 30 min do not an Ironman make. But, see, that wasn't so offensive. I mean, it worked for the 30 min it went, and it was a solid match regardless.

Next up was Vince McMahon, dissing Austin. And all of a sudden it's 1999 all over again, and no one told me. This was the most irritating, predictable, poorly written segment that I have seen, not only in the 3 hrs I watched this show, but in the past three years. First Vince, then Shane(!), then Stephanie(!!!), then Linda(!!!111!!one hundred eleven). Fucking atrocious.

And that was the point that I stopped giving a shit.

The Edge/Hardy match, the "Money In The Bank" ladder match, a/k/a the "Foregone Conclusion" match, started off with the most contrived, ridiculous spot I've seen in a while (the "sandwich" spot, I'll call it). It wasn't anything special, as I had a hard time getting behind Hardy when I just knew-knew-knew that he was losing. He gets tied up ... Edge wins. What a shock. Now, if tying someone up in the ropes during a ladder match is NEVER done again, then I'm convinced, even in the halfhearted kayfabed world, that the rest of the WWF locker room is stocked with completely oblivious idiots.

Next, we get to see Mae Young in her bra. Wonderful ... we truly have returned to 1999.

Oh yay! Naitch & Aitch meet Chia-Head & Narcissist Jr. I'm predicting a heel turn. Goddamn, Triple H really is trying hard to out-Nature Boy Ric Flair, right down to his saggy bitch-tits. And shaking his arms on his way to the ring ain't helping. After about 2 hrs of the most average wrestling match on the whole show, HHH *gasp* TURNS ON FLAIR!!!! Flair busted open! Oh sweet God, what could this mean??! No, for real, I don't even care. You can't make me. I refuse to be convinced that Helmsley turning on Flair will do anything for Helmsley, Flair, or me the wrestling fan. And the fun keeps going ... they show the "WWE.com exclusive" footage, except that it's on USA, which really flies in the face of that term "exclusive," you know.

Conway out against the geriatric farm ... the only thing I found worth marking out for here was the iron claw by Kevin Von Erich. Motherfucker, THAT was pretty cool.

The bra & panties match: As the tits were getting to the ring for their match with the other tits, JR told us that the Homecoming show has "extra time." This isn't a good thing. Yeah, a buncha plastic alien-looking women, along with Victoria, stripped down to their underwear. And I'm on the internet, and just for fun, I'm going to look for Christy Hemme's nude pics from her Playboy shoot. Wow, that bitch is fine. See, who needs bra & panties matches when you're an adult and can have access to published nudity?

Thanks, Cole & Taz, for reminding me not to turn the channel "because this isn't Friday Night Smackdown." Seeing as how it's not Friday ... this ain't UPN ... this ain't ... oh fuck it, it's just not worth the effort. Batista, Rey Rey Layman, and Benoit vs. JBL, Eduardo Guerrero, and Christian in six man fun; they keep teasing this Raw/Smackdown tension, and that would be cool if it lead to a whole pay-per-view of Raw superstars facing Smackdown superstars. Why not? It's not been done before, despite their ongoing "rivalry." Oh, shit; I can't believe Bischoff TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT ON THE SMACKDOWN GUYS! Sweet Jebus, is there no depth to his villainy???!?!

(If Chloe Sevigny doesn't show her tits in "Domino," it won't be worth the ticket price.)

Hogan vs. Austin?? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought the latter was too injured to go anymore, and the former really can't go anymore. Love how they cut him off. How much do you think they paid him for those 15 seconds ... plus the posedown ... and the walk to the ring, of course?

And now, the "main event" (wow, I'm exceding the quota on quotation marks to emphasize how underwhelmed I am at this shit): Cena vs. Bischoff. Please let Cena lose ... wait, haven't we already seen this, only replace "Cena" with "Austin" and "Bischoff" with "McMahon," rewind about 1.5 hrs, and put something worth a damn on here. Although, you know, this is better than Cena/JBL at 'Mania 21.

Oh my ... a Smackdown mugging? Very nice. I like it ... I called it, too. Micheals took on Mysterio ... haw!

Hmmm. They had three hours to work with ... and they put on 5 matches. This is about as many matches as they put on with 2 hours. Thumbs straight down, man ... completely unimpressed.

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The Lost Weekend - Oct 1 2005

I liked the write-ups from the Lost Week so much, I thought I'd do this in as regular a feature as I can. I do have a tendency of dropping projects midway, so we'll see how far this goes. I don't know what to tell you to expect, so other than "expect the best," you guys are on your own.

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From Highspots:

What would be your dream match?
Posted on: 9/30/2005 2:10:42 AM
Have you ever dreamed of a match that you never thought was possible, try us!

We're looking for dream matches that can be put together for DVD/VOD purposes. That is right, tell us the dream matches that exist among available US talent and we're going to pass this information onto a promotor with the deep pockets and vision to make it happen. That is right, one night of dream matches made possible by the internet fans participation. Obviously, WWE talent is off limits, so please limit your dream matches to that talent that is currently allowed to wrestle on an independent card.

I think this makes Ring of Honor and TNA talent available, but also it would make sense that some of the fine Tri-Cities talent would be eligible too. So, start sending in those Sonjay Dutt/ Tony Givens recommendations now. How about the Monty Brown/Ray Idol match?

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Picked up the Capcom Classics Collection for PS2, and so help me I've been playing "Street Fighter 2" 'til my eyeballs bleed. Been engrossed in "Final Fight" as well. Started playing "Mercs", but the arcade screen has been taking some getting used to. A great budget title at $20. I swear, this game took me so far back I thought I'd have to put quarters into the TV.

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TNA makes its Spike debut tonight on Spike TV at 11PM. The matches include AJ Styles vs. Roderick Strong, Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley, Monty Brown against some unlucky sap, and the *riveting* match of Jeff Hardy vs. Rhino.

I ended up having to order the TNA boxed set online from Walmart.com (I'm not linking it ... I'm ashamed enough already) because Greenwood SC ain't shit when it comes to carrying good stuff, so I expect six DVDs of wrestling PPV goodness within the week. Might go on a tear and review all three shows next week ... that will also leave me with an extra copy of "Turning Point" that I might just open up the door for a contest for some lucky reader/contributor to win a copy of that show.

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Gave my "Death and Dying" exam at Lander on Thursday, Sept 22.

Turned the exams back to the students last Tuesday (Sept 27). The grade distribution was:
90 - 100: 1
80 - 89: 2
70 - 79: 3
60 - 69: 10
59 & below: 11

The class average was a 60; the range was 26 - 91.5.

On Thursday, Sept 29, I only had 12 students show up for class. Kinda ominous, eh? Oh well, I did like the extra money I had coming in for a while there.

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I love October, because in the celebration of the rapidly dwindling holiday that is Halloween, you can usually count on some good horror movie releases/rereleases on DVD. This month, we'll watch the market and see what's being offered.

DVDs of note that came out last week (Sept 27):

• Blind Dead Collection (Sightless Templar zombies that track their enemies by sound ... Italian creepshow cinema at its best)
  
• Evil Dead 2 (Yet another Evil Dead release by Anchor Bay; I like their attention to horror films, but they're habit of re-releasing the same film in multiple different formats is a motherfucker ... Evil Dead is the worst of the batch, but "Halloween" isn't far behind)
  
• Flesh For the Beast (This is one Misty Mundae away from being worth a damn ... without her, it's just crap on a swizzle stick)
  
• The Freakmaker (Donald Pleasance represent!!)
  
• Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (Part of the still-ongoing quest to get as many of the Fangoria's "101 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen" on DVD as I can)
  
• Kingdom Hospital - Making The Rounds (What exactly is this "Kingdom Hospital" project of Stephen King's? Something about it screams "USA Up All Night" material to me)
  
• Lucky Stiff (The last directorial outing of Anthony Perkins, about a guy who falls for a girl whose family are descendants from a family of cannibals ... sounds worth every bit of the $10 they're selling it for)
  
• X-Files Mythology, Vol. 3: Colonization (You know, if you're a die-hard X-Files fan, chances are you already have all this stuff on your season collections, so this release is a bit redundant ... pass)
  

Kind of a slow release week for horror films, but hey, it's not quite October yet, so they should get rolling proper come next week or so.

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[Fiction] Opening Lines:

"He picked up the cinderblock and brought it down on Emil's head. Emil twitched and shook slightly before going limp. Jorge fell backwards, exhausted. He watched Emil closely, as if he mistrusted his own coup de grace. As if he expected Jorge to bolt upright, like a supernatural villain from a direct-to-video slasher film."

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From off the magazine rack:
Fangoria has a look at the two upcoming "Return of the Living Dead" sequels, "Rave From The Grave" and "Necropolis." They look swank as hell, especially the updated look of Tarman. There's also a sneak peek at "Saw II."

PSM offers a preview of the "Warriors" game, and they appear to be all jazzed up about it, but I just don't know. There's also a fall game guide, which points you the direction of some choice games coming out this fall, among the better of the best being "Resident Evil 4," "King Kong," "Gun," and "Bully." Plus, the article on why the PSP is a worthless piece of shit ain't bad either.

Game Informer: Glad I picked up a subscription to this magazine at Gamestop. It's $14.95 and not a bad read at that. It's a more rounded, multiplatform look at gaming. This month has a head's up on the game "Crackdown," from the creator of the Grand Theft Auto franchise (NOT Rockstar Games). Throw in a decent interview with Dave Jaffe, developer of "Twisted Metal" and "God of War."

Scratch, the magazine that "reps the beats" a/k/a focuses on DJs and producers, has an interview with Danger Mouse and MF Doom, on the eve of the release of their collab album, "Mask and the Mouse," coming Oct 11.

Giant, as an entertainment mag, tries to be comprehensive but falls into the category of "Stuff" and "Maxim," which Joshua once so eloquently noted run articles that read like someone chopped off the beginning and the ending and left in the underdeveloped middle. But for reviews and previews, not shabby. A nice retrospective on "The Big Lebowski" (which is a film that for some reason I just can't get into), and the "25 scariest DVDs ever" (a decent number of which aren't on DVD anymore, you schmucks!). This also has, like "Scratch" before it, a review of Public Enemy's "Rebirth of a Nation," which, according to Guerilla Funk Records, won't be out until January 2006.

Rue Morgue is the Canadian equivalent of Fangoria, and is less mainstream in its vision. It's very review heavy, but there's an interview with Gwar and an article on the 20th anniversary of "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer" that are nice, tossaway reads.

Retro Gamer: The sole reason to pick up this mag this month is the comprehensive look back at the "Last Ninja" franchise, as well as the complete "Last Ninja" game series on CD-Rom. Shogun Kunitoki, again I come for you!!!

Ready Made: One day, I'm gonna have to order that modular dwelling blueprint and make one of those things. And when I do, I'm going back to this issue and making that concrete tabletop. The "ReadyMade: How to Make (Almost) Everything" book is due out December aught-5. The primer on hardware tools that can also serve you well in the kitchen is a nice plus.

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Watched "Street Trash" on DVD. I first saw this back in the 80's when horror movies ejected plot for gore and terror and images that burned in your brain (as opposed to horror movies today, which eject plot AND gore and terror and images that burn in your brain).

I forgot how much I missed the 80's. This film is one of the best for reliving what it was like for indy filmmakers then (this film has every bit of a Troma film feel to it). I couldn't find a thing wrong with this movie, even when the bums are playing "keep away" with the guy's detached penis. I'm telling you, come into this movie with a seriously open mind.

Tenafly Viper, a brand of liquor that apparently eats you up from the inside out, must be in the same food category as the "Stuff." Just a side thought there.

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On the comic book horizon:

The Essential Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe Volume 1 is due out in January 2006. Back when I used to write non-stop, this was the tool that used to help me develop characters. Can't wait to pick this up. The Marvel Essentials are pretty damn good. At least, the two volumes of "Tomb of Dracula" I have are pretty damn good.

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That's all the stuff that's been going through my head that ain't work related. Been a busy week, full of therapy, paperwork, and sleep. Hasn't been a lot on the brain except that. Hell with it, I'm off to order "Thriller" and "Dog Soldiers."

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