Science Gone Mad: January 2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

The Royal Rumble

OK, I watched the rumble last night. It was a decent show with the rumble winner being none other than Batista. I was pleased with that.
I also was pleased with the Michaels/Edge match for the sheer fact that Edge won by cheating. Classic Edge as of late.
JBL versus Big Show versus Angle was a decent match. I figured they would put the strap on Show, but JBL kept the belt. Show charged JBL into the barricade and it collapsed. JBL was out for the longest time and was receiving help from the Bash'ems and Orlando Jones. Finally Jones rolls JBL in the ring and he somehow clotheslines from hell Angle for the win.
Taker versus Heidenriech was okay match as well. Snitsky and Kane interfered in the match but it had no effect on the match itself. Taker tombstones his opponent and rolls him in the coffin.
HHH versus Orton. This was a good match. HHH did everything to Orton and Orton would fight back. Later in a blotched DDT attempt where Orton was going to put HHH in the DDT and HHH held onto the ropes and Orton came crashing down on his head. ORton seemed totally out of it. HHH kept attacking him, but I think Orton was hurt for real. For some reason, I think Orton was supposed to win the match, but couldn't do so.
The rumble itself was down to Batista and Cena. Both men went over the top at the same time and the fans were remembering Rumble 2000. Vince comes charging to the ring and apparently hits his knee on the ring and is left sitting in the ring. He doesn't say anything on the mic and Finkel announces the match will continue. Batista then threw Cena over the top.

All in all, a good Rumble. I think I liked last year's better. That goes to my question--- Which Rumble is your favorite and why?????

Saturday, January 29, 2005

SGM Book Club: "The Death Of WCW" by Reynolds & Alvarez

There's a soft spot in my heart for wrestling books, even when considering the most cheesy and unnecessary books on the shelf. For every "Have A Nice Day," there's a "Foley Is Good." For every "If They Only Knew," there's a "Pure Dynamite." Unfortunately, for every "Sex, Lies & Headlocks," there's a "Death Of WCW."

R.D. Reynolds is by no means a poor writer. Writer, not author, because after reading his missives on Wrestlecrap, I'm convinced that he's just recycling his online style for the print medium. His humor & observations are relevant and to the point, but his narrative is so non-linear that my head hurt sometimes trying to tie in some of his logical jumps. Example: In the first chapter, clearly marked "1988 - 1996," he makes repeated references to events that would happen in 1997 onward. And, for the most part, given that this man is the brains behind Wrestlecrap, why does he leave some of the greatest missteps of the company (Arachnaman, Shockmaster, Dungeon of Doom) unexplored? Yeah, it could be argued that those subjects had been covered in the Wrestlecrap book, but they're still just as relevant an issue to discuss when covering the rise & fall of the second greatest wrestling organization in the United States and their impact thereof.

As for the subject matter, there are some things that were surprisingly left underexplored. WCW's connection with ECW's Todd Gordon to raid the latter's talent would have been nice to know more about. It mentions so little about the last Nitro that you would have thought that the only two players on it were Vince and Shane McMahon; it doesn't even note that this would be the last time that Flair and Sting would wrestle each other ... hell, it doesn't even mention that they showed up at all.

And as good a writer (again, not an author) as Reynolds is, he tries overly hard to be ironic at every opportunity. While he blasts WCW in the later days for going the Russo route of being too "shoot" for mainstream audiences, he spends a lot of time winking at the reader, writing sophomoric shit like, "But fear not! Russo had a plan." This is what Elmore Leonard referred to as "the author letting himself be known," when I should just read on and be surprised by WCW's lack of foresight, instead of some ersatz wizard behind the curtain nudging at me that, yes, WCW made some bad mistakes, and yes, despite being told that Russo in fact had a plan, in reality he didn't. And sure enough, as I read further on, his plan was ill conceived at best. Thanks for the warning, R.D.

For a glimpse behind the scenes of a wrestling organization that was instrumental in making wrestling what it is today, it's fair to good. For a book on how not to run a company, it's great. However, if I wanted that kind of book, I'd have been in the business section. As a story of a sport whose athletes I admired, and whose directions I'd followed, it's passable, but only just.

Retail price: $18.95; subjective worth: $12.00.

Friday, January 28, 2005

[Fiction] "He is risen,"

they shouted upon checking his barren tomb, three days after his crucifixion.

They would later find him walking along a deserted road, confused and disoriented.

They approached him. "Christ?"

He was weak, but nodded a slight response.

Upon putting their fingers in the wounds in his hands and his side, they exalted, "It truly is the son of God!" One of the women began to cry and ran to throw her arms around his neck.

Alert now, he growled, "Jesus ... wants ... live ... BRAINS!!!" And he began to feast on the flesh of the living.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Piss and Moan Fu - The Saga Continues

Had all day yesterday to post, instead I chose to finish the last four games of the 2007 NFL season, completing a fourth straight undefeated regular season with the Miami Dolphins. Which was therapy for watching the Steelers implode all over the Patriots on Sunday. Missed the first half due to work, get home minutes into the third and they're down 24-3 already. Fuck. Mortenson on ESPN said there was too much pressure on Roethlisberger and throwing on the second and third plays of the game was stupid. No kidding. So fuck the Patriots, go Eagles. I'm usually an AFC guy, Fins and Steel, but the hell with New England.

I had totally forgotten about the Southernfried Draft. That was fucking stupid. I think Ron and I declared ourselves ineligible or something, but damned if there wouldn't have been a far more interesting way of being told that we weren't liked. Or that I wasn't liked. Goddamn. Behind the Board is a fine case study in unfinished material. It's like a Southernfried Box Set. I hope my Southernfried Retro Week post is still saved on my parents' PC. Also, I thought the Admin War started by requests for contributions was in 2002, but who's counting? It's also nice to know that the random quote generator had less auspicious beginnings than what it turned into, but some people read way too much into some things. I still maintain that Download of the Day/SF Radio and the Curt Hennig memorial didn't die the types of deaths that everything else did, so they don't exactly belong on that list.

Also, welcome to the blog, Brent. Just noticed that addition.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Behind the Board III - Lost Southernfried Projects (13-18)

13. Conspiracy Month
When Brent suggests a project, sometimes it can be either hit or miss; it really depends on the enthusiasm put behind the project. January 2005 was slated to be “Conspiracy Month,” an attempt to kickstart an ongoing trend of creating monthly themes for the board. Conspiracy Month was first referenced on November 9, 2004, in a call for contributions from other SF members (always a bad sign, as regulars frequently fled from such requests in droves). Then, the next mention of the project was December 3, 2004, at which point the direction of the project was fleshed out even further; “It's gonna be some fucked up conspiracy month shit ... From wrasslin' conspiracies to why the man always keeps redheads like me down. Throw in some shit about UFO's and something about your drinking water that gives you the shits then we'll be set.” As exciting as the project sounded at this point, the project has yet to be mentioned again as of this writing, January 23, 2005.

14. Lazer Tron
“Lazer Tron” was a short story to be told in six parts, written by Nate for the Southernfried forum. It was an attempt to tie up the conflicting storylines involving ’80’s wrestling greats Jimmy Valiant, Lazer Tron, and the New Breed. The first installment was quite popular, and within days, the second installment was finished and distributed. However, between the development of the second and third installments, the story was found to have been leaked to other forums; the leak created some confusion as to creatorship of the story. By the time the third installment was released, readers were undecided about who to credit for the short story. The author would go on to cite “improper treatment of intellectual property” as influential in his decision to discontinue the story. However, demands for the story would not desist, and in 2001, the story as it was completed to that point was sent to another SF administrator and deleted from the author’s CPU. Where the story exists now is unknown.

15. Will’s TV Trivia
Will’s introduction to Southernfried can be summed up in five words: “Who the piss is Will?” This was the first greeting he received when he appeared to post his initial greeting to the board. That first interaction would haunt Will’s contributions for several weeks, as his attempts to initiate discussions would be met with disinterest. In the interest of setting himself apart, Will began to contribute random bits of TV trivia. Including a number of interesting tidbits of info, like the actor who portrays Marvin in “Pulp Fiction” also supplies the voice of Samurai Jack, the trivia posts were quite interesting. However, there’s only so much new info that can be culled from a medium that thrives on its own trivia, and, for lack of new material, Will pulled the plug on the idea.

16. The Southernfried Draft
In the summer of 2004, Lawson revealed that he had developed a project that was being heralded as a revolutionary step in the development of participation amongst the board regulars. Rumors speculated on what the project would comprise of, and questions asked were met with vague and circumventive answers. The project, when revealed, was dubbed the Southernfried Draft. Two camps were established between Lawson and board regular Brad Rader; the camps were named the “Radical Ninjas,“ led by Lawson, and the “Awesome Surfers,” led by Brad. The premise was a simple one; the visitors to the board would be divided up amongst the two camps, with each leader alternating their picks over the course of different rounds. The problems with this project were manifold; first, some of the picks made involved individuals who were no longer visiting the board, or had never visited the board in the first place. Second, once the draft was finalized, there was no plan for what to do with two separate camps of Southernfried readers. Would there be two different boards? Would there be some competitions between teams from each? Would there be separate summits between the groups? The readership was divided; either they were confused, or they just didn’t care. The main crux of the premise was that the picks could be a source of “bragging rights,” which was a fine explanation for those picked highly, but the individuals picked lower in the rankings wouldn’t care in the slightest. After the Draft was completed, it was almost literally forgotten by the next day.

17. Southernfried Interviews
Southernfried has had its share of celebrities breeze through its hallowed halls, primarily such luminaries as Dutch Mantel, Buddy Landel, Jerry Jarrett, et al. Brent had, at one point, planned to go to great lengths to acquire face-to-face interviews with these individuals exclusively for Southernfried. Of the many celebrities to be named for possible Southernfried Interviews, celebrities like Steve-O, Don West, Nappy Roots, and Sabu were mentioned as targets for hard-hitting journalistic opportunities. However, the inaugural interview was abandoned when the target celebrity, Buddy Landel, requested that the interviewer first sit through one of his sermon’s at a local church. Yes, fans, the interview concept was dropped because it was requested that the interviewer be in the house of the Lord. This spelled doom for the Southernfried interview format, and, as you might imagine from reading this deep into the article, it was dropped.

18. Southernfried Year End Awards
The final weeks in December usually sparked a fair amount of retrospection on the year that was. In 2000, the trend was to develop the Southernfried Year End Awards, fictional rewards for the notorious & noteworthy events and individuals that contributed to the year. The Awards were staples of Southernfried’s year end celebrations. However, in 2003, some disputes were made about the format by which the Awards would be chosen. Brent, the founder and originator of the Award concept, wanted to arbitrarily offer awards to the events and people who influenced 2003. Nate, on the other hand, wanted to make the SF awards a “reader’s choice” affair, including questions like, “Besides ‘Hurt,’ what’s the best song on the Johnny Cash album, ‘The Man Comes Around?’” However, dissension broke out about the format, which was peculiar, as the initiator of the Award concept had asked for assistance, and yet became the most critical when assistance was offered. By 2004, the Awards were no longer suggested.

Behind the Board II - Lost Southernfried Projects (7-12)

7. Brent Burke Is Dead Month
I know what you may be thinking, and yes, it is a little on the morbid side. In the span between 2003 and 2004, board tensions reached an all time high. Admin fought admin, audience warred amongst themselves, opinions were no longer appreciated and elder statesmen attempted to sabotage the board on several occasions. In an effort to mend fences and show appreciation, the “Brent Burke Is Dead Month” project was born. It was to comprised a photo montage background of pictures of Brent, links to websites bearing Brent’s influence, and daily posts commemorating things that the man liked, disliked, participated in, and accomplished during his life. However, the catch is, of course, that Brent, the Southernfried originator, was not deceased; he was alive and well and living in Kingsport, TN. Also, he was in no way made aware of the plans to introduce this project to the board. The premise created to address this issue was that, whenever a post by Brent would occur, the creative minds behind the project would lambast the poster for being an “imposter” (when, in all likelihood, it was the real Brent Burke). Other board visitors were kept in the dark, as well. Whenever someone were to meet the real Brent at work or at a softball game or in a restaurant or retail store, they would be encouraged to post “Brent sightings,” akin to the Elvis phenomenon. In the chance that someone would honestly believe that Brent had passed on, the plan was to make sure that people knew the intentions of the project was as an homage, not to mock death or to insult the board’s founder and all around great guy, Brent Burke. The mock memorial was set for June 2004. However, in May, a close friend of one of the project’s developers died tragically, and out of respect for the true meaning of life and friendship, the project was shelved and never spoken of again.

8. Lawson’s Unnamed TV Project
Jason Lawson has been a contributor for Southernfried Wrestling News almost since its inception. He at one point produced a weekly sports article called “The Way It Is.” He also organized the second Southernfried Survivor, as well as the ongoing Pay-Per-View Pick ‘Em contests, where Southernfried regulars can guess who will win certain matches in upcoming pay-per-view contests from WWF & TNA. However, Lawson’s participation is often at the mercy of his internet access through work, and some of his initiated projects have suffered because of it. One such project was an unnamed TV project where a request was made for SF regulars to send in their top 10 lists of their current favorite television programs; the shows had to be series in their current run, and could not include older shows in syndication. Months went by, and nothing further was presented as a result of this initial request for submissions. Questions about the project were cryptically answered. Suddenly, the project was mentioned again, and another list was requested for use in the project. Yet, just like the initial call for submissions, months would go by and nothing further would be mentioned about the project. If the project will ever be finalized remains to be seen.

9. Southernfried Radio
A popular board participation project was the Music Download of the Day. At irregular intervals, board visitors would post a favorite song for eager music bandits to download. During the affluent days of downloading music for free, this was an entertaining way for individuals to be exposed to new artists and styles. One such offshoot of the Download project was Southernfried Radio, a free web-based utility from live365.com that allowed the hosting of music on an internet radio. At any point, you could hear Johnny Cash’s version of “Time of the Preacher,” followed by Big Ass Truck’s “Malt Liquor Man,” and then maybe the Cunninglynguists’ “Mic Like A Memory.” However, then the crackdown came on internet music downloads. Coupled with a change in format from live365 that anyone using their service was required to pay a monthly usage fee, Southernfried Radio was disbanded.

10. On The Road With Bryan Hunter
Bryan Hunter has an on-again/off-again relationship with Southernfried. One moment, he’s a prolific contributor to the forum. The next moment, he’s gone for months on end. In one of his most productive moments, he submitted the article, “On The Road With Bryan Hunter.” In it, he would detail his travels during his employment with a trucking company. He told stories of connecting with people through the use of music, he introduced “lot lizard” into the lexicon of many a SF faithful, and he told heartwrenching stories of missing his baby’s momma. But, like any articles based on the misadventures in the world of gainful employment, the article only survived on the strength of the job, and, after three submissions, Hunter lost the job and the article was discontinued.

11. Lawson’s Comic Book News
Lawson’s contributions have always been sporadic, this much has been already covered. But, following a heartfelt plea in early 2004 for more contributions*, Lawson made a public commitment to contribute as much as humanly possible to the board. One way that he did this was to supply the “Comic Book News,” a semi-weekly article of reviews of recent comics, as well as in-depth looks at news and rumors that were at the forefront of the comic book industry. Interesting and relatively well-written, the articles survived to six installments, at which point they were discontinued without reason.

*It should be noted that a similar plea for contributions sparked what has been called the “Admin War of 2003,” which, arguably, was the event that forever splintered the board. The argument as to what happened in this conflict are open to interpretation, but suffice to say that Southernfried attendance was forever affected, and friendships suffered as a result.

12. Zen of Public Enemy
Less a project and more of a cosmetic change to the newsboard, this random text application was to be full of quotes and dialogue from tracks recorded by the seminal rap group Public Enemy. The way the Zen text generator worked, each new load of the board’s main page would produce a different rotating quote. Eighteen total quotes were originally submitted, with more planned. However, as SF admin alliances splintered, this forum was used as a tool for former allies to take shots at each other. When the board loaded, you were just as likely to see a quote from a UPS or Sprint commercial as you were to see an insulting comment made by one admin to another, and somewhere in there would be a quote from Public Enemy. Later, the Public Enemy quotes were removed, and clever quotes from the contributors were added. However, tensions flared again, and this application was removed.

Behind the Board I - Lost Southernfried Projects (1-6)

1. SouthernFried Short Attention Span Theater
Southernfried historians aren’t exactly sure how far back the origin of the SouthernFried Short Attention Span Theater compilation tape dates, but some say that it predates the entry into the new millennium by at least two years. Outlined to combine snippets of videotaped footage that would include wrestling highspots, pratfalls, unintentional wrestling comedy, and, at one time rumored to include a Wendy’s employee training video, this two to eight hour video (reports vary) has taken approximately six years to complete, and to the best of researchers’ knowledge it has yet to be completed.

2. Southernfried Annual
A print zine has been discussed for many years, almost since Southernfried’s inception. However, in 2002, it came the closest to reality. Titled the “Southernfried Foreign Object,” this project was proposed as a print zine that would encapsulate work by the Usual Gang of Southernfried Idiots. Following in the footsteps of great zines like “Clawhold!” and “The Confederate Mack,” the zine would have hosted stories, commentaries, reviews, fiction and illustrations that would represent the best work of the creative staff of Southernfried. In fact, some rather well-known talents were approached for contributions, such as Kagan McLeod, writer/artist of the independent comic phenomenon “Infinite Kung-Fu.“ However, as goes many a groupthink project, not enough interest sustained this project in the end.

3. Super Southernfried
The web equivalent to the Annual, this project was actually in development approximately two or three years. It was not only slated to host fiction, commentaries, reviews, but also pics and links of the week, downloadable music, Flash games, a Southernfried hall of fame, and a weekly trivia recap called “Pop Culture Crap” (actually a cash-in on the immensely popular “Wrestlecrap” website). One odd concept piece was to be “Lucha Cafe,” an online recipe database(!), featuring a host wearing a luchadore mask(!!). Again, in what would be an omen of things to come, little interest buoyed this project beyond its concept stage, and the free website space was abandoned only to linger on as a storage for occasional poll results and Southernfried homemade banner ads.

4. Southernfried Summits
Tradition: to some, it’s just a word. To others, it’s a way of life. The Southernfried Wrestling Newsboard has always been less a news source, and more of an online hangout that has attracted and connected friends and foes as they have spread across a total of five states. A plan was formed, then, to promote regular conventions of camaraderie and fellowship over meals and entertainments. Beginning in the late 1990’s at the Red Pig, a band of seven SFers met to share laughter and drinks over barbeque. Over the course of two years afterward, the Summits grew to attract large numbers, and they involved Chinese buffets and lazer tag games, and fellowship was shared by many. However, later plans drawn up by the Southernfried Summit committee were complicated, at times involving relatively innocuous additions like door prizes, but then adding insane stipulations like the wearing of Mexican wrestling masks to public eateries. The damage done by overbooking the festivals led to waning interest, and the last official Summit was held in Kingsport’s Golden Corral. Unofficial summits have been held since, but they are considered unofficial for a reason.

5. The Second Annual Curt Hennig Memorial Tournament
When Curt Hennig died on February 10, 2003, so endeared was he in the hearts of the Southernfried faithful that a memorial tournament was developed to honor his memory. However, the concept of the tournament was an odd one; based on the Lethal Lottery rules of teams made of random pairings, the poll-based tournament consisted of 32 deceased wrestlers teaming with 32 deceased comedians. Spanning several weeks, the tournament proved to be fairly popular, and was ultimately won by the team of Redd Foxx & the Sheik. So popular was the project that a second installment was planned for the following year; however, in a morbid reflection, there weren’t enough new deaths in either the wrestler or the comedian camps to sustain enough interest in a second annual tournament. Plans were made to implement the tournament in 2005, but it remains to be seen if the time frame has expired on this interesting concept.

6. Southernfried Survivor III
The first Southernfried Survivor was a fictional affair, written as true farce and initiated by Brent Burke. The “winner” in the storyline was the ghost of Conway Twitty, who faced off in the finals against Ricky Morton & David Lee Roth. The second Southernfried Survivor, however, took a new direction and was a real-time contest between members of the Southernfried regulars. Lawson initiated this one, and the cast of “survivors” were chosen from board readers. Like the television show that bears its name, players were divided into “tribes” and required to cooperate on several assignments and assorted games to advance. In the end, it was Chris Steger who reigned supreme. The participation in this project was high, and expectations were set pretty high for a third installment of this board-participation exercise. However, as time went on, board participation became splintered, even to the point that the winner of Survivor II wasn’t even around to participate in Survivor III. A half-hearted attempt was made to garner interest in the third installment, but after one or two challenges, the project was abandoned.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Eat, drink, and be merry.

We crowned a new leader earlier this week, so I'm told. I wasn't there. I don't know for sure. But, for the sake of argument, say we did. And say someone (maybe the taxpayer, maybe the winner's parents) spent $40 million on a party to celebrate that. In the middle of a war, right after a horrendous natural disaster - also consuming a large chunk of the District of Columbia's Homeland Security budget. Aren't there just some candles you can light to keep terrorists away? And the last sitting Democrat elected in wartime spent forty or fifty bucks on chicken salad and was sworn in quietly. Sure, FDR was on death's doorstep in 1945, but Christ, what do you say to this lavish extravaganza?

Eh.

It'll likely be shitty cold in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania on Sunday as the Steelers are visited by the New England Patriots in the Championship Game of the American Football Conference. At this point, with poah Bawston having three major sports championships in the Patriots and Red Sox (of all fucking teams) in the last three goddamned years, fuck the Patriots. I saw the stupidest fucking stat in a story about this game on ESPN.com: the Patriots are undefeated the last 12 times they've played a quarterback for the second time in a season. They've only lost three games in the last two seasons and I doubt this streak dates back much farther than that, so no shit. They've done well for a while now, but that doesn't say anything about anything. Here's what counts:

1. Ben Roethlisberger is a bad man. He doesn't have ridiculous stats, but he hasn't lost since the first game of his senior season. Last week's game against the Jets was like tasting stomach bile in a burp and remembering the last time you threw up, so you slow down on the drinking for the night. Ben tore the Patriot secondary apart the first time they met and things have only gotten worse for the DBs since.
2. Corey Dillon still has to run through Farrier, Porter and Polamalu to get to the endzone.

3. Gawd-forsaken weather conditions won't equalize anyone like the Pats game against Indy, but the frozen winds of the Ohio River give Steeler kicker Jeff Reed the advantage over two-time Super Bowl Game Winning Field Goal Kicker Award Winner Adam Vinatieri. Heinz Field is a crazy, crazy fucking place.

4. Bill Belichick is a great coach, but Bill Cowher is, too. Cowher has been trying to do too much with too little for a long time on offense. Neil O'Donnell sucked, I'm pretty sure they ruined Kordell Stewart by playing him behind O'Donnell for so long. Tommy Maddox was the worst idea for a starting quarterback ever and - no, shit - I told Dad (huge Steeler fan) that Pittsburgh's only chance this year was if Maddox went down and Roeth took over. Cowher has a potent offense this year to go with the usual Steel Curtain. This one won't come down to play calling.

I feel so miserably let down by the Dolphins this year that it's like they never happened. It's been bad enough over the last few years not making the playoffs with 10-6 records, but at least they had 10-6 records. 4-12? The fuck is that? Nick Saban is coming, and they've got a powerful defense (WHY OH GOD DID YOU NOT GIVE ADEWALE OGUNLEYE MONEY?), plus the second pick of the draft and talk of maybe getting Travis Henry (alert: do not give up the number two pick for him). Yet none of this makes me feel upbeat about next season.

The Tarheels got whooped at Wake Forest last week, then Wake went to Florida State and lost. That's fucked up. But the ACC is a harsh mistress.

AP Top 25:

3. Wake Forest
4. Duke
6. North Carolina
9. Boston Coll. (will be in the ACC next year)
12. Georgia Tech

Maryland, NC State, and Virginia have all been ranked at some point, too. Of course, rankings mean nothing. It's all about the Big Dance.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Nate brings the video game love

I had the opportunity to play some PS2 games that I've had sitting around the home, but hadn't had the opportunity to play. Since I'm a frugal game shopper, most of these games were snagged at a price tag of $20 or under, or I got in on a sweet "buy X, get X FREE!" kind of deal.

1) Katamari Damacy - You play a little guy with a head that looks like a Tylenol PM capsule; I haven't the slightest idea whether he's an alien, a mythological creature, or what. But, the premise of the game is that the little guy's father destroyed all the stars in the sky, so the main character must collect all the items in the world in order to replace them. He does this by rolling them all onto a sticky ball called a "katamari." The game uses only the joysticks to play, and pushing them in different directions has different results.

It's fun, but "weird" doesn't even begin to cut it. The dialogue is particularly headache inducing. The cinemas in between each level are mind-boggling. And, after each successful completion of a level, the king of space appears to whisk you away via a teleportation rainbow that he vomits up. But, still, it's a good game for what it is.

2) Sphinx & The Cursed Mummy - Nothing necessarily special about this platform game, although it's a pretty good use of Egyptian mythology to present a story. They used to run commercials for this game during Monday Night Raw when it first came out, and the commercials would have you think that there's spoken dialogue throughout the game. However, this is not the case. If you play it, be prepared to run some background music, and be prepared to do a lot of reading. It is a pretty sharp game, though; it's just the silence is far from golden.

3) X-Men Legends - Easily the best of the batch. This played like classic RPGs, like "Diablo." Featuring the cast of the X-Men comics, the game plays like a D&D epic, where you find weapons to upgrade your mutant powers & gain experience points to strengthen your attacks. The first bosses, Mystique & Blob, rep the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, yo, and any arcade gamer will long for the days of the Blob's battle cry, "Nothing can hurt the Blob!!" And while it's nowhere to be found, it won't diminish the thrill of playing this tight game.

4) Sonic Mega Collection Plus - Sega brings the retro pain in the form of almost every Sonic game made, including the titles released for Game Gear. Easily the best of the batch is "Sonic 2," because it adds the sidekick element, and believe me, there's been many a time that Tails has stood between me and certain death. It's 'cause he's a trooper, I tell you, taking one for the team.

It brought back the memories of vegging out in college, playing "Sonic 2" on Genesis between classes. Beating the endlessly simple minions of Dr. Robotnik, collecting 100 golden rings on each level, switching over to "The Box" music channel to try and get a glimpse of the Sir Mix-A-Lot video for "Put 'em On The Glass" ... see, now ya'll bitches got me weepy-eyed.

I'm anxiously awaiting the release of Metal Slug 4 & 5 in April; it's another classic stand-up title that has lost none of its appeal, and if the release stays faithful to the series, it should be well worth the dollar.

Nothing Like It Ever

NP: As I Lay Me Down To Sleep -- Sophie B. Hawkins

I tell ya what. There is something addictive about the Time-Life DVD Infomercial for their Hee Haw Collection. I can't take my eyes off it! Whether its Charlie Pride singing a 10 second clip of Kwa-Liga, or Johnny Cash singing on Pfft You Were Gone.....its outstanding.

The jokes are kinda dated though. Example:

Shop Owner: Grandpa, how much did that city slicker pay for you to haul his car in with your mule? It took you all day.

Grandpa Jones: 50 cents.

Shop Owner: I swear Grandpa, sometimes I wish you would do the work and let the mule handle the business end of things.

See.....comedy was for serious not that shows strong point.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

College Kids are Dumb I

NP: GNR -- Mr. Brownstone

Why can't healthy college kids use the stairs? I consider myself to be a healthy colege kid and I, most of the time, use the stairs if Im going up one flight. If its two or more flights, its the elevator for me. I think this should be the socially-enforced standard.

Im riding the elevator from the Ground Floor in the Wonderful and Glorious J. Wayne Reitz Union. Im going to the 3rd Floor...which means Im going up a total of 3 floors. So, I get in the elevator with one girl. I push 3, she pushes 1. She looks healthy (in a fit way, not in a fat way), so she should be able to walk the stairs. I say nothing.

We stop at 1. She gets off, and a young man gets on. He is engrossed with his Ipod...and he pushes the 2 button. The elevator goes off....and gets off at 2. So, in what should have been a direct shot, it took an extra 45 seconds to get from G to 3. Granted, 45 seconds isn't a lot....but really, why can't healthy people use stairs?

The FA Cup Strikes Again

NP: Public Enemy -- Don't Believe the Hype

The FA Cup. The Greatest Spectacle in professional sports. The best tournament in professional soccer strikes again. This time, Championship League-club Burnley (think AAA) defeated Premiership Standouts Liverpool (think a good MLB team like the Cardinals).

This is just great. Liverpool came in fourth in the premiership last year and are sitting at 6th on the table currently. The manager decided he needed to bench his stars to save them from injury and got beat 1-0. That's just great. You gotta love the underdogs, and the FA Cup gives you plenty of those. Man U. has their replay against Exeter tommorrow, so look for another update. If Liverpool AND Man U. go down, look for the soccer world to turn itself upside down....and look for Chelsea to run away with the title in a now-diluted field.

"The Boondocks" coming to your television

I have never read this comic strip. I know Nate has a collection and I would like to borrow it from you sometime. Anyway, I read that it is coming to Adult Swim Cartoon Network's late night cartoon show. It is set to start in October.
Also what am I missing with Adult Swim. I have not watched it in sometime. I know about "Futurama" and "Family Guy", but what about some of the other shows.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Just a Quick Note

NP: Devo -- Head Like A Hole

Just wanted to drop a quick note and say that I think the blog is actually taking off and going great. We've had a good mix of content and some pretty good posts. Nate, thanks for inviting me to this thing.

"White Noise"- movie review- some spoilers

First of all, this is not a documentary of the musical abilities of Eminem. I need to clear that up first thing. Second of all, the movie stars Michael Keaton and I cannot for the life of me think of the movie he was in before this. His best work, in my opinion, is "Batman" and "Beetlejuice"

Anyway onto the movie--- I had never even heard of this movie. A friend came over last night to play NCAA football 2005 and asked if I wanted to catch a late movie. Our choices were either "Electra" or "White Noise" He wanted to see the latter because he knew his wife wouldn't go with him so I was game.

The movie is about a man whose wife passes away in a car accident. He begins to hear from her via his cell phone, alarm clock radio, CD player, etc. He discovers he is being followed by a man and confronts the man. The man tells him that his wife has made contact with him. Michael Keaton goes to the man's house and discovers state of the art technological equipment that allows him to communicate with the dead and sometimes even see them.

Well, eventually the owner of the high tech gadgets is murdered and Keaton is left to work on communicating with the dead on his own. His wife contacts him about people who are about to die and Keaton does his best to prevent those people from dying.

That is basically the movie in a nutshell. The ending is like something M. Night Shamalyan would write. I love how with the success of "The Ring" we are now graced with movie thrillers after movie thrillers that are basically the same movie.

Would I recommend seeing this movie. Well, I would wait and rent it. Rent it only if you go to Blockbuster and they are all out of "Cops and Robberson" and then you are left with this cinematic masterpiece. I mentioned earlier I couldn't remember Keaton's last movie before this one. Well, hopefully I will be saying the same about his next movie.

Remember-- this is my opinion. If you disagree, it's cool. If you agree, it's even better.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

SGM Four by Four

Top 4 wrestling match stipulations that I love:
1) Falls Count Anywhere: I always liked the way that most of these matches will go all over an arena, into a parking lot, into the locker room, into the bathroom, and will almost always somehow end up back in the ring. I've seen one match end in a pinfall outside the ring - Sting vs. Cactus Jack, I think - but for the most part, center ring. 2) Steel Cage: Fuck pussified leave-the-cage-to-win rules; pinfall or submission, motherfucker. 3) Ladder Match: You really have to have some wrestles who are serious about taking mad punishment to enjoy a match like this. There's a match between Van Dam & Christian that was televised on Raw that had me in stitches, because Van Dam does everything he can to leave himself wide open to accidental ladder bumps that probably had him shitting teeth for a week. But he got paid, and he has a DVD coming out and I don't, so who's the teeth-shitter now?? 4) Russian Chain/ Dog Collar: Kinda-sorta the same thing; lacks the additional flavor of a bullrope/leather strap match, where you have to drag your opponent to every corner of the ring, and the villains always seem to win by poor planning by the hero, and damn it all if we don't have some rich pretty boy carrying the belt and representing us poor folks that he talks shit about.
Top 4 magazines I like to read on the shitter:
1) Retro Gamer: I got issue 10, and I'm reading the complete history of Infocom, who perfected the genre of interactive fiction, and they released games that had personality and heart and you didn't feel like a big stupid fuckface for wasting a half a day playing them, not like now, where you can feel like a big stupid fuckface for jacking pretend cars and being a pretend thug and not getting the laundry done, you three-day-old-sock wearing bastards. 2) Scratch: If the world was rap music, I'd more than likely be the guy who works the crowd on the other end of the stage from where Jay-Z or 50 Cent or Flavor Of Da Month is, and I'd probably get his throwaways, but I'd dream of being the DJ, in a class by himself, able to pick his poison of any young hoochie who steps his way, with a twist in her hips and probably pierced belly button and a sun tattoo on her back. 3) ReadyMade: If I had a house with a big backyard, I would be at Lowes, getting lumber, plexiglass, and tons of screws to put up a modular dwelling to hang out in when the wife starts looking for someone to cut radishes or whatever it is that women make men do. Plans cost $35, but hanging out in it costs much more, pal. 4) Sketch: This mag : comics :: those little backstage fuckups : wrestling, and I enjoy both equally well.
Top 4 things that I hope will happen in 2005:
1) I make more money: At this very writing, I'm sitting here looking at a cell phone provided to me by the state of South Carolina for the express purpose of providing after-hours contact with a therapist to six clients in a DBT program. This means I'm to be accessible 24-7, to these six people. And the talks are that the group needs to be expanding soon. If that doesn't scream, "Push more funds my way," then the fact that I do as much in the way of responsibilities as my supervisor (except, you know, supervision), and that I'm now the senior clinician, and that I'm a clutch player, and that I'm remaining consistent on my productivity, then maybe it'll take getting my Ph.D and threatening to take my skills elsewhere for them to see I'm worth at least 10% more a year than I am right now. 2) I don't get killed: I currently have three folks on my caseload that have been in prison before, and are court-ordered to treatment. One is a convicted murderer; the other, wide as a door and attempted to stab a secretary; the third, a guy who's dad let him buy an AK-47 (to which I responded, "That's the stupidest thing anyone's ever told me," to which he responded, "What was I supposed to do? He asked me for it!" To which I said, "I'm sorry ... that was the second stupidest thing anyone's ever told me"). Well, those non-compliant bastards are all going to be getting root-to-show-cause summons in the mail next week, so all three will probably show up on the same day, and it'll be a race to see who splits my wig first. 3) I get Libby's website up and running: So that girl can put her purse-making skills to good use. 4) "Night of the Creeps" comes to DVD: Eh, why not?
Top 4 books I have yet to read, even though I've had them > a year:
1) "Tishomingo Blues" by Elmore Leonard; 2) "If Chins Could Kill" by Bruce Campbell (autobiography); 3) "Live From New York" by Shales & Miller (oral history of Saturday Night Live); 4) "Hero With A Thousand Faces" by Joseph Campbell
Top 4 Golden Age horror mad scientists:
1) Dr. Pretorious (Ernest Thesiger, "Bride of Frankenstein"); 2) Dr. Neimann (Boris Karloff, "House of Frankenstein"); 3) Dr. Gogol (Peter Lorre, "Mad Lover"); 4) Dr. Vollin (Bela Lugosi, "The Raven")

Playoffs?!

From another post

NFL Playoff predictions:

Steelers 27, Jets 14
Vikings 31, Eagles 30
Pats 30, Colts 21
Rams 24, Falcons 23

Got the AFC winners right, NFC winners wrong. All scores were way off, too. The Jets hung tight and kicked it away (twice!), Eagles and Pats dominate the Vikes and Colts, respectively and the Falcons blew the Rams out of the water.

I always take a little schadenfreude seeing Manning lose, although I've come to realize it's just the bad taste of Phil Fulmer. Manning is, however, an accomplished big-game loser. Woody Paige talks about how Manning is acutely aware of the history of QBs in the NFL, the stats and the legacies and how they were built, and I agree. And when history comes into the ballgame, he has yet to compete.

AFC Championship:

Steelers 28, Patriots 24

NFC Championship:

Falcons 35, Eagles 28

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Who is playing the Thing in the Fantastic Four movie- you ask?

Nate and Sam came over to watch the epic storytelling event called Smackdown last Thursday. One of the commercials that aired that night was a trailer for "Electra" and along with it a mini-trailer, so to speak for "Fantastic Four". It showed the Thing smashing into what appeared to be an 18 wheeler, maybe. It was very quick so I wasn't sure. I asked Nate and Sam the question, who is playing the Thing. Well, I now have the answer--- Michael Chiklis. He goes from "The Shield" to this. I have never seen an episode of "The Shield", but I am a little pumped up about him playing this character. It is like he is getting an award for his great job in TV. Of course this movie needs to be close to the success of the Batman movies and Spiderman movies to be a success, but hey time will tell the story.

RIP Flavor Flav (1959-2005)

NP: PIL -- This is Not a Love Song

Ok. Flavor Flav is not dead. At least, he is not dead in the literal sense of his body no longer functioning properly and being able to sustain life. No, my friends, Flavor Flav is dead in the Hollywood/Show Business sense of the word. You see, the man we knew in the late-80s and early-90s is no longer with us. He has went off to the great realm of artistic integrity in the sky.

The man who helped to pioneer socially conscious rap is no more. The lone voice in the entertainment mainstream who trumpted the cold, harsh reality that 911 is a joke; the prophet who informed millions of teenagers, white and black, that a nine won't stop the bum rush, has sold his artisan soul in exchange for a fat paycheck on a second-rate clone of MTV.

For those of you lucky enough to not get cable, VH1 has started a spin-off/sequel of last season's Surreal Life that follows Flavor Flav on his quest to win the heart of the Amazonian actress Brigitte Nielsen. Nielsen, an ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone, is a washed up has-been who made her mark playing....well....Amazonian characters in 1980s action movies. Red Sonya anyone? The producers of the Surreal Life chose Nielsen because she fit the stereotype of an actress with a struggling career and also had an over the top personality. Flavor Flav, likewise, had been out of the spotlight for the last several years....and so they joined 4 other celebs and were baptised into the Church of Reality TV.

Admittedly, Flav did this to himself, but of the "celebrities" who are participating in this "Celebreality" craze that VH1 is trying to market, he is the only one who actually did anything that could be remotely considered important. Of the other celebs on the second season of Surreal, none have done anything even close to momorable. Dave Coullier knew the Olson Twins before they were famous and worked alongside Tawny Kittaen without being slugged, but neither of those are too high on the list of historical moments in TV. Charo has big salads, but she was a novelty act even in the 1970s. Ryan Starr was hot but got voted off of American Idol (and really, who hasn't). Jordan Knight was one of the NKOTB and chose not to follow the smarter Donnie Walbergh into respectability as an actor. Of all of these, only Flav did anyting to broaden the expression of black culture into the American mainstream. Only Flav questioned authority in a poignant way. Only Flav helped to bring hip-hop culture to a new generation of Americans. To see this man cavorting around the globe with a scary-looking woman greatly diminishes his legacy and tarnishes the good name of the rap group Public Enemy.

Flavor Flav -- RIP

Wrestlers of the Week 1/9-15/05

I've been absent because of a tag team assault of work & problems with my internet access. But finally, I persevered, like Ricky Morton making the hot tag to Robert Gibson. The numbers in parentheses are the rankings of that competitor last week.

1) Rey Mysterio (4) - W/ Rob Van Dam, lost to the Basham Brothers in a "Fatal Four Way" match, 1/13. Still, despite the loss, Mysterio carried the match, defeating Eddie Guerrero by pinfall to further their competitive storyline (Mysterio is now up on Eddie 3-0 in wins). RVD was a sack of potatoes, doing nothing more than getting injured; SELL THE EMOTION, Rey Rey!!

2) Batista (1) - Lost in the Elimination Chamber to Orton, 1/9; lost to Orton, 1/10. Double losses are not looked upon with favor by the Mad Scientists, but Batista oozes mad charisma. Wasn't he a "deacon" not 1.5 years ago, and a "leviathan" before that? "Eventually, we all get what we deserve." Here's hoping.

3) Edge (3) - Lost in the Elimination Chamber to Jericho, 1/9; d. Rhyno, 1/10. Was the first man put out in the Chamber, which does nothing for his credibility. He won a whiffer on Rhyno - I was praying for a double spear/gore spot, but alas ... - but the post-match confrontation with Michaels gave me hope.

4) Chris Sabin (-) - d. Christopher Daniels, 1/14. Wins a clutch victory for consideration in the Ultimate X match at Resolution, and I'd consider him the odds-on favorite to win, as he's scored three victories in the four Ultimate X matches that he's been involved in.

5) Chris Jericho (-) - Lost in the Elimination Chamber to Batista, 1/9; w/ Chris Benoit, d. Christian/Tyson Tomko, 1/10. I could be wrong here, but Jericho has probably outlived his usefulness as far as a serious title contender. He's probably best used as a perennial midcarder, unless he gets traded to Smackdown; there seems to be a bit more respect given to the smaller competitor.

6) Chris Candido (6) - Lost to Dustin Rhodes, 1/14. Yeah, he may have lost two weeks in a row, but Candido was getting much love from the announce table during this match. I'm expecting some good things out of him following Resolution (perhaps an X title run??), and with spots coming open in TNA on an almost daily basis, I expect there'll be some serious competitors for Candido to look good against ... unless TNA is done after February.

7) Christopher Daniels (-) - Lost to Chris Sabin, 1/14. How many damn wrestlers are there named Chris, anyway? Candido, Jericho, Sabin, Daniels, Benoit ... not to mention Christy Hemme and Christian. Anyway, Daniels loses an important match to Sabin (no shame in that, though, as it was a good match). I expect Daniels to still be involved in the Resolution PPV, though.

Honorable mentions: Roderick Strong (the only Angle Invitational competitor that I've given a shit about so far; when are they planning to pull the trigger on this angle?); Kid Kash (I'm hoping the future chiropractor gets a win over the Director of Authority's boy, but I'm not holding my breath); Monty Brown (held his own in a three-way interview between DDP & Nash, which is hopefully a sign of things to come in Final Resolution).

Friday, January 14, 2005

In an effort to get this blog started right!!!

I realize we do not have that many people with this blog. Nate did a great job creating the blog and sending out invites.
I have some back issues of "Stuff" and "Maxim" that I will distribute to those who do the most creative posts or those who can come up with an exciting theme that runs daily or weekly. I have started movie reviews, so you cannot take that one. In my opinion, the reason Southernfried is becoming a bore because it is suddenly limiting itself to those who either wrestle locally in Tennessee or give two shits about wrestlers who wrestle in Tennessee. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against local wrerstling in Tennessee. Hell, I plan on making the show on the 22nd. The thing I wish it had was more ongoing themes like reviews that can keep interests up and inspire daily visits from the computer. That is why I am issuing this contest so to speak. I want this blog to be something that you log onto and you wonder to yourself what interesting post can I read today? I would offer this to the Southernfrieders, but they don't half respind to any of my post, so screw them.
I know what you are thinking---- "Maxim" or "Stuff"magazines or not that big a prize. Well, you are right but I am a teacher I cannot afford to go out and buy anything, so I am cleaning out my closet. I will issue some magazines of my choice probably monthly to the person who does the best. And if I feel more than one person has answered the challenge then they both win. I will run this until I run out of my stuff. I will need some addresses to mail the magazines out to those who win (Nate I can just give you yours). We will cross that bridge when we get there.

So, get to thinking. I am eager to read what you have to post. We are "Science Gone Mad"

If you are confused by the contests or whatver just ask. Sometimes I ramble and ramble.

"Garden State"- movie review- some spoilers

Okay, I admit I like the tv show "Scrubs". I enjoy its wit and its sense of humor and how it allows hospital drama to be funny, which is a nice change. Zach Braff does an excellent job playing the down to earth doctor.
"Garden State" allows Zach Braff to explore more serious and dramatic experience in acting with a little comedy mixed in. He plays a character that goes by the name Large, because his last name is Largemen. He comes back to his home state, hence the garden state, for his mother's funeral. He is reaquainted with friends he had in high school and gets involved in the social scene with them. He meets Natalie Portman's character and is immediately drawn to her. She is at first smitten with him because he left home to become an actor and had one successful show. Of course, you can probably guess what happens between these two.
The pivitol or thought provoking part of the movie is about what happened to Large's mom to cause her to become paralyzed. This will help understand the characters better and may even invite an extra viewing of the movie to see if there were any hints or clues left along the way.

Zach braff wrote, directed, and stars in this movie. Not too bad for someone we have had little exposure to and has yet to establish himself as a household name. I mean, "Garden State" could do for Braff what "Good Will Hunting" did for Damon and Affleck. Only time will tell.

Remember this is my opinions about the movie reviewed. If you agree or disagree that is fine. Discuss this movie. Come on, I dare you. I double dare you.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

"Napoleon Dynamite" - movie review- some spoilers!

"Napoleon Dynamite" is one of those movies that you either really really like or really really hate. I have talked to some people that have seen it and I have gotten both responses. One girl even walked out of the theater when it was playing. Granted, I only spent about $3.50 for the entertainment of watching a "geek" and his friends during his life, especially high school.
I was visiting my aunt's house and my cousin recommended the move. My cousin is a $15 year old girl who is into similar movies as I. I took he up on it and rented the movie. My wife and I actually laughed out loud at some parts. I did not really know what to expect, but I was pleased with my choice.
Napoleon is a teenager who lives with his brother and grandmother. When his grandmother is injured in an accident, Napoleon and his brother are left in the hands of their sly, scheming uncle. Napolean doesn't really care for his uncle while his brother gets involved in outrageous money making schemes with his unce.
Napoleaon befriends the new kid in school, Pedro. Pedro is from Mexico and speaks with a funny, sort of monotone accent (if that makes sense). They are joined by the lead girl character in the movie, who I cannot remember her name. (I want to say Debbie, but I could be wrong.) She is secretly in love with Napoleon and Naspoleon has no idea.
Later on, Pedro decides to run for class president in hopes to become more popular and land his dream girl. Napoleaon helps with his campaign and some funny scenes take place.

I recommend renting this movie just for the simple fact that you can look back and say, "Thank God I am not in high school anymore" Let me know what you think of it. Do you agree? disagree? Remember, these are only my opinions. You have every right to agree or disagree. I want kick you off the blog if you disagree with me? Did you hear that Joshua? Just kidding.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

IRON FIST NO MORE?!? Plus sports!

I give the fuck up on trying to moderate the board. I swear to the fucking Baby Jeebus...how many fucking times do you have to say "STOP" before people fucking stop. Christ on a crutch, FUCK FUCK FUCK, shit, goddamn, get off your ass and jam.

NFL Playoff predictions:

Steelers 27, Jets 14
Vikings 31, Eagles 30
Pats 30, Colts 21
Rams 24, Falcons 23

The Dolphins made the baby Jesus cry this season, so I'm pulling for Dad's Steelers.

Early NCAA predictions:

An ACC team wins it all, hopefully UNC. For fuck's sake, that conference is retarded. I've taken to calling the AP top 25 the ACC top 25.

And that's it.

"Fat Albert" Movie review-- Some spoilers

I am going to attempt to do a movie review if not daily then maybe every other day. It may be a movie in the theater or it may be one I own or rented. Today I am reviewing the epic saga "Fat Albert".
I love cartoons. I have said it before and everyone who knows me knows how true it is. "Fat Albert" is indeed a cartoon that I loved watching as a kid. Bill Cosby's revision of some childhood friends that he had growing up and that they were able to help others or learn a lesson in each episode. I mean add a grilled cheese sandwhich and I am in heaven.
The movie is okay. Keenan Thompson did a farely good job playing the jolly fat guy. The other actors did well playing the Cosby Kids. The story involving a teenage girl who is sad and feels left out who cries while watching the Fat Albert cartoon and then causes the beloved cartoon gang to enter the "real" world by a tear drop that falls on the remote control.
I enjoyed the fish out of water scenes where the gang was trying to fit in to the 21st century. It all seemed a little familar though--- ala "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". Also the rival of good ol' Albert is a wanna be gangsta who is jealous because the girl he likes is showing an interest to Albert. That has been played out in several movies, but was done well in this one. Does Albert get the girl? Well, sort of? Watch to see, if you care. And by the way this girl is really attractive and follows the, fat guy--- hot girl relationship--- ala "King of Queens"
Another aspect of the movie is that over time the gang begin to fade. They are in a sense disappearing because they do not belong in this world. Sound familar? Yes, movie fan you guessed it--- "Back to the Future"--- 'Michael J. Fox on the verge of disentegrating if he does not get his future parents to fall in love'. Does the gang make it back in time? Watch, if you care.
The best part of the movie, in my opinion, is the very end. I will not let any cats out of the bag, but it was really neat. I am also appreciative of the movie because it brought about a simultaneous collection of "Fat Albert" cartoons and that my friend makes he want to say "Hey, hey, hey!!!!!!!!!"

This review is strictly an opinion. If you watch the movie and disagree then that is fine. Why do you disagree? If you agree, what could I have added? Are if you want to just discuss other Bill Cosby works or cartoons, then go for it. I am not going to do these reviews for Southernfried because I want it to be an exclusive for the "Science gone Bad" blog. Besides you guys would probably be the only ones to read from there anyway.

Monday, January 10, 2005

NP: Soul Asylum -- Somebody to Shove

Finally had to format the laptop and start the whole thing over. Everything was backed up on an 80 GB external (which will soon be returned to the store), so the only thing I lost was an edited version of a paper I worked on Friday. I came to school thinking I had everything fixed, but I forgot to open Word or Excel before I left the apartment. Apparently to run this version I need the key code which is, of course, in the laptop box next to the kitchen table. Its going to be a very productive day today.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Random Thought Of The Day

Where did all the interactive fiction games go?

Used to be, games made you use your imagination to get by. Games like "Adventure," "Zork" 1-3, "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy," etc., required you to come in with your memory, problem solving skills, and tons of visualization.

The hope for this genre's continued existence lies in organizations and conventions, such as The Interactive Fiction Competition. Now, these types of games aren't the way of stopping school shootings or games like "Smear the Queer" or nothing like that, but shit, you'd think that any opportunity to introduce a hobby that'll increase the intelligence and practical knowledge of our nation's illegitimate population would be embraced.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

One of the Best Events in Sports

NP: Depeche Mode -- Enjoy the Silence

One of the greatest events in sports is the FA Cup. They basically take all of the professional soccer teams in England and set up a huge tournament every year. So the top teams in the Premiership take on sides from the non-league Conference (i.e. Rookie League in baseball) all the way to the Championship (think AAA). The reason this event is so awesome, is that every now and again the top teams have a bad day and the underdogs move on.

Today, it came mighty close to happening. Conference Exeter tied Manchester United 0-0 and force a rematch on Jan. 19. Now, bear in mind that Man U. is the defending FA Cup champion, have won the most Cups since the competition began in 1871, and are easily one of the top 10 teams in the world. Man U. coach Sir Alex Ferguson rested his big guns, but in the 63rd minute he put in Ronaldo and Scholes, and then sent in Alan Smith with 14 to go.

Can you just picture this? This is like a NAIA or D-III school playing the Patriots or the Eagles to a 4th Quarter tie. This just does not happen. THAT is why this competition is so great.

Wrestlers Of The Week 1/2-8/05

Here's an attempt at some recurrent content. We'll see where this goes.

1) Batista - (d. Chris Benoit, 1/3/05)
Isn't this guy supposed to be booed, a bad guy? Isn't Benoit the hero that I'm supposed to be behind? And yet, why was it that I was laughing my ass off watching him grab Benoit's arm & make it tap out, and then to see him argue with the ref that it was a legit win? Then, how the man powered out of the Crossface, then proceeded to bash Mr. Benoit's head into the exposed turnbuckle. Capped of by a personality building exchange with Triple H, Batista could do no wrong. Looks great going into Revolution.

2) AJ Styles - (d. Chris Candido, 1/7/05)
Always a crowd pleaser. Less of a paint-by-numbers Styles match, thanks in no small part to Candido (more on this later).

3) Edge - (d. Chris Jericho, 1/3/05)
I'm digging heel Edge, even though I can't get the concept of why he went heel following the release of his book. In the kayfabed world of wrestling, wouldn't that cause fans to avoid his book? Well, at least the sections about SSW are pure comedy GOLD, baby.

4) Rey Mysterio - (d. Eddie Guerrero, 1/6/05)
This sure as hell wasn't their match of the century at Halloween Havoc, but it was still pretty decent. This one wasn't so much about the story being told by the moves, as it was told by the personalities of the players involved. But, there's a small part of me that's wishing the scheming bit from Guerrero would die a quiet death already. Or at least slip into a coma.

5) Shelton Benjamin - (d. Sylvain Grenier, 1/3/05)
Solidly outshines much of his midcard counterparts. The part I don't get is, while he looks so good against a lesser opponent (particularly one like Grenier, who can't even kip up right ... and are we still mad at the French??), why is it that he hasn't looked good when in the ring with a great opponent (a la Flair, or Edge), since his defeat of Helmsley? Ah well, the spinning leg lariat makes up for it.

6) Chris Candido - (lost to AJ Styles, 1/7/05)
Candido looked great. I mean, here's hoping that he's kicked the drug thing at least for a few months, because it would be great to see the Candido that brings the pain (circa ECW style), as opposed to the go-nowhere, do-nothing Candido of recent past (circa WCW style). Could be a great X Division guy, or a solid World title contender, assuming TNA stays around longer than a month.

7) Victoria - (lost to Trish Stratus, 1/2/05 & 1/3/05)
Every time Victoria makes an appearance, it's worth a mention. I don't think there's any other female wrestler that I'd rather see doing butt naked split-leg moonsaults onto my dick.

Honorable mentions: Monty Brown (no ring action, but seems to be more solid on the mic in the past few weeks); Daniel Puder (can't wait to see where they're going with this dickhead gimmick); Muhammed Hassan (evil foreigners that use mark current events to build their evil ROCK!!); Abyss (good luck in your future, I'm sure you'll be great teaming up with Eugene against Hurricane and Rosey ... and losing); Hector Garza (yep, wrestler of the week, but not always in a good way ... "our family name was Bermudagrass"); Christopher Daniels (sat in on commentary on "Impact," and I for one wouldn't mind a Daniels/Sabin feud down the road)

Friday, January 07, 2005

I'm gonna write something, goddamn it.

I've let my blogging go to shit since the start of the holiday season, mainly due to not wanting to waste my time with the folks at the PC and getting a GameCube for Xmas. Also, work has been reasonably steady since I returned to the JCT. Furthermore, I am lazy.

Christmas morning was actually a surprise this year, as I couldn't remember if I asked my parents for a GameCube or a PS2. I would be happy with either, but the GC was a better deal: $99 for the system, two controllers and Mario Kart: Double Dash. My little sister got me NHL Hitz Pro, which is a fuckin' sweet little hockey game and my other sis and bro-in-law got me Madden 2005, which is Madden 2005. Those little mini-games in Madden are some time-consuming fun. MK: DD is the true successor IMO to the original Mario Kart for the SNES (MK 64 eats it), which was awesome on a scale usually reserved for 91-94 era Undertaker.

Something that still pisses me off about sports games are the difficulty levels. My current Dolphins squad is superhuman on Pro, but All-Pro turns the computer into an unstoppable machine of destruction and damned if I'm jobbing to Peyton Manning, but fucked if I can't stop his passes. On Pro, I'd get 3 picks, minimum. On All-Pro, he racks up 250 yards in three drives.

I'm in the third year of my Franchise, with this lineup on offense:

QB - Ben Roethlisberger (traded both Fiedler and Feeley for him)
RB - Trung Canidate (should have kept Clinton Portis)
TE - McMichael (forgot his first name, but it's not Steve)
WR - David Boston, Rod Gardner, Larry Fitzgerald (would catch bricks)

Roethlisberger won the OROY in my first season and the MVP in the second. Portis won the MVP in the first season, but I traded him for draft picks like a fucking retard. Fitz would have won the MVP last year if Roethlisberger hadn't had 4K+ passing with 55 TDs and a rating of 110+. I choked on a game winning field goal in the Super Bowl of my second season, killing the repeat. I was undefeated for two straight seasons at that point, which is why I'd like to play on All-Pro, but I need more practice, I guess.

I'm looking to pick up NBA Street 2 soon, although I may wait for 3 because the GC version will have Mario in it. I'd pick up NCAA Football 2005, but it's still going for $30 used. Also, it would be nice if there was an EA NCAA Basketball game on the GC, but NBA Live is pretty sweet.

Enough about video games, let's talk about the blog. It's doing well, the posts are solid and regular. Also, I don't have to delete a thread of local workers going at it like kindergardeners every three days and I can't start a holy war of my own with "foul" language, so it's all good. The posts are, however, very long and it pushes things farther down. There's a solution to it, by creating expandable post summaries, but I haven't had the energy to fuck the template up in an attempt to make this work, so if anyone wants to run at it, go ahead.

SGM Four By Four

Top 4 girls I could have tagged before I got married:
1) The skinny blonde from the Foozles bookstore where I worked for the summer: Skinny, but not unhealthy. She used to talk to me about general sex issues a lot, like how her boyfriend would like a finger up the bum while getting oral sex. I guess she was turned on by the fact that I did not. 2) The brunette with braces at Radford University: She used to talk to me before and after class (I think it was "Psychology of Addiction" or some such). We had lunch together a couple of times. She invited me to a hike, an invitation that I turned down due to ... well, I was engaged. She cornered me during her observation at my internship and said, "Are you engaged?" I confirmed this, and she got pi-ssed. "You never told me that." Well, baby, you never asked. I hate that it seemed to hurt her feelings ... the braces were kind of a turn-on though. 3)The black chick that ended up taking a job opportunity away from me at Dillwyn Correctional: Also at Radford; she was in another class with me, and one summer day she says, out of the blue, "You've got great legs." So, of course, that got us talking quite a bit. And I was picking up a mad I'd-jump-your-bones flavor from her. Fast forward a year, and she was graduating & looking for work. I talked to the supervisor at Dillwyn about hiring her during my substitute stint there. Then I regretted that, because it would have gotten me out of the place I was working at the time. But, I ended up in SC, so who laughs last? 4) Some random girl in New Orleans: I went to a SEPA convention near my graduation from Radford, and the convention was in New Orleans. My presentation took up one day of the convention, which left the whole weekend for nightlife. On the first night, while dancing in some dive with a dirt floor, a band called the "Zydeco Hellraisers," and a men's room that was little more than a hole in the floor, a chick with a fish tattoo on her shoulder comes up to me and tells me how much she likes my dancing, then a group of her equally hot friends come over and invite me to a party at their hotel. Problem was, they were having said party one day after I had planned to jet out myself. Oh, plus the fact that I was engaged at the time.
Top 4 Samurai Movies That Would Benefit From Inclusion Of Zombies
1) Seven Samurai; 2) Lone Wolf & Cub: Baby Cart At The River Styx; 3) Samurai Fiction; 4) Rashomon
Top 4 Old School Hip Hop Joints I've Listened To Today (1/6/05)
(In the pursuit of furthering my professional craft, I've been listening to my collection of rap albums, searching for therapeutic concepts to use in a group of individuals who cut themselves on a frequent basis. Some of my personal favorites - "Never question what I am/ God knows, 'cause it's coming from the heart," and "It's like ordering take-out, you know you gonna get it" - were given, but to call up a nice collection took research, and in that research I came across several tracks that I just had to listen to repeatedly. These are those.)
1) Eric B & Rakim: "Microphone Fiend" 2) EPMD: "So What'cha Sayin'" 3) Run DMC: "My Adidas" 4) Public Enemy: "Welcome To The Terrordome"
Top 4 Things I Said To People At Work Today (1/6/05)
1) "If that woman is as much harm to herself as everyone says she is, then I have no fucking business earning my paycheck, because I didn't see it, so that must mean I suck ... and I do not suck." 2) "There ain't no problem that I can't fix." 3) "So ask yourself, what can you do to make your therapist happy? And I'll tell you now, any answer other than 'change my unproductive behavior' will not be accepted." 4) "Are you trying to tell me that you fucked up without saying, 'I fucked up,' because I gotta tell you, that's a hard thing to do."

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Stupid Student Tricks, part I

NP: Reel Big Fish -- Where Have You Been?

Ok, so I taught the first day of my new class a couple of days ago. The first day of class was devoted to going over the syllabus (as all good instructors should do), and me getting to know the students. So Im standing there going over the syllabus and I get to the part about the textbooks when the wheels fell off (at this time, please direct your attention to the post entitled "Textbooks, Free Textbooks" for some backstory).

You see, I believed a silver-toungd book hoe who told me that the document reader I chose was retailing for 18 bucks. 18 bucks for a primary source book is excellent, and I liked its structure and dual narrative set-up, so I adopted it. I also structured half of my course around it. On the basis of pure educational value, it is going to work out.

However comma the book costs 42 bucks. That is more than the textbook for the course and 2.5 times the value of the monograph on WWII that the kids have to read. That is NOT a good deal and, had I known the exact price, this book would have remained on the shelf. But now Im stuck with it.

As I am apologizing to the class for the cost of the book, a girl in the back tells me that the Gator Textbooks store has it way cheaper than the official university bookstore. That's great, and its good information the class should have. Then, as I am about to move on to the course rules, this yahoo on the front row interrupts me in mid-sentence and says: "Hey everyone, I've already dropped the class and I have the books for sale."

Stop.

Read that again.

This kid came to my class. Sat down. Took one of my syllabi. Waited for 10 minutes until I got to the books and THEN chose to stop me and hijack my class so he could avoid standing in a refund line.

The conversation then went something like this:
"Excuse me?"

"I bought the books and I need to sell them."

"You can't do that in the hall after class?"

"I figured I could do it here."

"How much are you selling them for?"

"How much should I sell them for?"

"That's up to you jack. Thats really rude too."

"I'll sell them for full price"

(to the whole class, as the expression of anger is growing more and more obvious on my face) "Does anyone want to buy this guy's books?"

(silence)

"Looks like they don't. You can leave now."

"You have a problem with this?"

"Yeah, that's bad to come in and interrupt my class so that you can sell some textbooks back. Hit the road."

(silence until the guy leaves)

ON a positive note, no one will mess with me now, as they know I can back my shit up. I told the class thereafter that Im easy to get along with as long as you don't do anything stupid. I also apologized for it as class ended. On the downside, the guy threw me off of my game and I couldn't get back on the right track. Class went ok, but it wasn't the stellar first class I like to deliver. You see, if you can hook them here, its way easier when you start going over material.

The challenge now is to see how many times I can make him the butt of a joke during the semester. Nothing like the good behavior of the future leaders of tomorrow.

Textbooks, Free Textbooks.

NP: Stone Roses -- This is the One

People not in the academy or the publishing industry do not understand what goes into the adoption of a particular given textbook. Unless you wrote the son of a bitch, or one of your good friends/former professors/advisors did, you have absolutely no reason to choose a book over another. No one is seriously going to read five 600 page books before every semester to choose which textbook fits their style or gets the narrative just right. Instead, the publishers will set up "book fairs" twice a year where they trot out their wares and display them in a low-pressure sales environment. Since each company publishes at least 4 US History text books each, there is actually a lot of choice I guess.

There are three important parts of the book fair process.
1. Free Books. Since there are so many books, they don't expect you to make a choice right then, so they offer the books to you for free! Yes, you too can get free copies of the latest in educational material just for showing up and lying and telling the folks that you may or may not be teaching a class the following semester. Most poor graduate students, like myself, will load the hell up with up to a dozen books (one girl I know gets way more than that) and then proceed to go to Gator Textbooks or Facultybooks.com and unload them for a handsome profit. For the better part of two years, this was the only reason I showed up to book fairs, and I have the books (that Dewayne and Dobie wouldn't buy) in my locker bin to prove it.

2. Free Food. Yes, you have to have a reason to make it to the book fair, so they will cater you a lunch while you look over the latest collection of textbooks and other course materials. The usual choice is the Atlanta Bread Company or the Panera Bread Company. One woman showed up last year with Publix sandwiches and I swear the department adopted books from every company BUT hers. The best free book people will show up with a cooler with Coke products. Those that don't care usually come with warm cans of Publix soda.....again not a wise choice.

3. Book Hoes. Operating on Bob Barker's third rule of salesmanship, the textbook companies believe that you have to have an attractive, young, sales girl there to take your order and hype the latest edition of the American Experiment or Modern Problems in the American South. Of course, since a disproportionate number of graduate students are single and quite the losers, this pays off on many occasions. I, myself, have come under the spell of a particular book hoe based out of Central Florida and I am going to regret it all semester. See the above story for more information.

So there you have it. Your professor likely doesn't care about the sentence structure or the CD filled with maps and primary documents that came with it. Chances are, the book hoe that works for the publishing company brought a better brand of sandwich, or chose potato salad instead of cole slaw as the side item, the last time she came to campus. And really, you thought education was a principled business.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Random thought for the day

I'm not the biggest fan of poetry, but the worst kind of poetry is the poetry that comes from residents of the prison system. I used to hear all kinds of lyrical works, written by guys who couldn't spell three letter words, about deep subjects like love, and freedom, and a fair world. Once, I heard some guy reading off a notebook page, "What is love? Is it ..." and I lost about ten years off my life span, because, even though I don't remember a damn word, that shit was cancerous.

Just once I wanted to hear a poem a guy serving 25 to life bust philosophical about prison spaghetti, perhaps the best meal served throughout all the Virginia state prisons.

Emotional survival

I have my clients working on a skill in developing self-soothing techniques, for toughing out emotional crises. Like any good therapist, I'm working on this exercise with them, to model the appropriate therapeutic behavior. Dubbing it an "emotional survival kit," they're advised to get a box and cram it full of objects that they can use to get over emotionally upsetting moments. (These are the clients that are most notorious for going to the hospital for self-inflicted injuries, creating extensive problems within their support systems, and presenting with ongoing hopelessness/helplessness.)

In doing this, I've managed to assemble about eight things that I have used in the past to get me out of a slump:

1) "Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman/House of Frankenstein" (DVD): Perhaps the greatest movie monster mashup films of all time. The best is the latter film, which is actually a story told in two parts, the first focusing on Dracula, and the second about Frankenstein and the Wolfman. It was the first film that truly screwed Lugosi's name in Hollywood.

2) Mattel Classic Baseball handheld electronic game: Dad and I used to play this on Saturday afternoons while we'd wait for the NWA Saturday show on TBS.

3) More Balls Than Most brand professional juggling balls: I learned how to juggle by using five pound dumbell blocks. The balls were a birthday gift from a long time ago. Still a skill I like to bust out every now & then, just to get people's attention. Kinda like freestyle rapping in the middle of a therapy group.

4) A cryptogram puzzle book: See above; people who watch me work on these things are fun to watch. At first, they'll talk shit to me and say, "No one can ever solve those things." Then, while they watch me work on it, they're all like, "How'd you learn how to do that?" When I finish, they'll say shit like, "I never had time to learn things like that; I was too busy studying/dating/drinking/etc." Ejsyrbrt.

5) A racketball: I'll bounce a ball against every wall in the house for minutes at a time, usually to clear the cobwebs out of my head when I'm trying to write. Helps keep me centered.

6) A package of Swedish red gummi-fish: Great candy, probably eats away my bowels, but the pain will be worth it.

7) The recent PWI Wrestling Almanac: I've only got the 2004 volume now, with the 2005 due out any day now. I like the older issues though, as I was flipping through the 1997 issue, and the #1 biggest story of 1996 was the formation of the NWO; September 23 was the debut of the New Razor Ramon & Deisel; and the wrestling world mourned the death of Dick Murdoch.

8) "The Very Best Of John Coltrane" (CD): Between "Giant Steps" & "Body & Soul" are sandwiched nine of Coltrane's best tracks, including the phenomenal "Central Park West;" the Confederate Mack referred to this song when he said, "There's not a more beautiful song on Man's Planet," and I agree.

I'm looking at this list, and man, my coolness factor shot way down. But fuck, if it helps me relax, then who's the less coolest?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Not only am I sick.....

but the laptop is on its last legs. Its a shame too. The hard drive is completely shot, it seems, and so its losing a minor function a day. I backed up by Dissertation stuff onto a CD and then installed the software for this external HD I bought to fix it. As it rebooted...well...it stopped rebooting and froze at the login screen. Currently reinstalling Windows XP now....so hopefully I won't have to fork over 1300 for a new machine.

Monday, January 03, 2005

NWA: Championship Wrestling (Kingsport, TN) - December 25, 2004

(This review of the above-named show was contributed for inclusion in the third Confederate Mack Heart Punch Newsletter.)

First off, abandon everything you thought you knew about Southern independent wrestling. There used to be a time when the professional wrestler was feared and respected, because he looked like a legit hardass, and this was back in the days when the average professional wrestler was a legit hardass, ‘cause after football & jail, ain’t much else a barrel-chested, tobacco-spitting, child-support-neglecting motherfucker can do with his life, but by god, he can pretend to beat someone’s ass, even if it means having to beat a motherfucker for real. Nowadays, if it isn't some gorilla looking musclehead that probably can't wipe his own ass without a rag on a stick, it's short, stiff-kicky little mongoloid fuckers who, when they take an Irish whip, have to put one arm up to catch the top rope and keep from falling out of the ring, although they'd probably just flippity-flop to the ground and land on their feet and the internet fuckers that took the goddamn bus to catch this wonderful show that they passed up a chance at pussy to see, well those smart motherfuckers will just clap and clap, and chant and chant, and everyone can go home feeling like the planets are in line.

Well, I'll be the unpopular one and say it: Fuck anyone who learns wrestling in a “school.” Fuck anyone who can’t fight their way out of a parking lot riot because they just beat the hometown hero. Fuck anyone who can spit off the name of any move done by some wrestler of Asian or Mexican descent, but can't name at least three former World Class champions. And motherfuck anyone who says that a wrestler can't do a piledriver anymore, because that's the realest move, reserved for the realest wrestlers. And of the realest Southern territories to run wrestling consistently, Kingsport and the Tri-Cities area would rank very highly. Should any smart acting motherfucker that steps on a bus bound for some “internet hot” (which is < “real-world hot”) wrestling organization to see some anorexic little girls in spandex flip over each other for forty minutes, should this asshead watch a mid-80s tape of Southern States Wrestling and question even one fifth of Beau James rocking the mic and handing out the ass whoopings, you have the right to open-fist backhand that sucker, because he needs some old school learning, I don‘t give a damn what Edge has to say in his little book, because fuck wrestlers that know how to write.

A little history, in as much as I know it: Southern States Wrestling has run in the Tri-Cities for almost 14 years, starting in a small hodunk, podunk, “hey them there” town called Fall Branch. Later, Beau James, promoter/wrestler for SSW, moved the organization to Kingsport, rocking the local Armory, as well as local channel 5 or 13 or whatever. Some of Beau’s protege’s, Tony & Ricky Givens, broke off to form New South Wrestling (“Old School, New Class”), taking much of the newer talent with them. This was about where I came in, exactly two years ago - my first NSW show, and first Tri-Cities show entirely, was on Christmas night 2002, where I saw an incredible display of everything that makes wrestling great for me:

1) kayfabe: I was met at the door by “NSW Chairman” Marty Ricker, who explained to me that, ahem, “the commissioner of NSW has forbidden any of the wrestlers to use their entrance music tonight and even attempted to shut down the show” ... only to have a friend of mine with friends on the inside come in and tell me that there was some confusion about the time of the show, so the guy that owned the ring headed back home and they couldn’t reach him. Then Ricker says, “Yeah, well, the commissioner has been trying to shut the show down.” Sell that story, my shilling brother, you sell that motherfucking story!

2) psychology: The hottest match on the card that night was an Eric Darkstorm vs. Josh Cody Falls Count Anywhere (my favorite) classic bout that moved the crowd and had all kinds of swankness, from their brutal tour around the Armory, to Darkstorm slapping on submissions and footnoting each with a casual, barely-loud-enough-to-hear-in-the-front-row “I got this one off a tape from Japan,” and for a second it’s almost as if he’s talking shit to Cody, who would ultimately win with a flipping STO from the top rope through a table. The only thing that could have made the match better would have been a pinfall in the parking lot snow.

3) stiff beats: When you think stiff, no doubt Japan comes to mind, Flair bleeding from his rubber tits after a Benoit assault, or Stan Hansen clotheslining an opponent he can barely even see. But for my money, one of the stiffest matches was Super Destroyer vs. Justin Sensation. In what can only be described as fan interaction at its fullest, Destroyer took requests from the crowd on how to beat the living hell out of Sensation, who sold every move like he was being shot. Destroyer won with a power bomb request from the crowd, and then we urged the heelish Destoyer to continue to do heelish things, which included chopping the shit out of his opponent, even while he had him in an over-the-shoulder backbreaker.

4) hard goddamn work: I didn’t mention that 5 matches were held, and 10 men worked their asses off, for a crowd total of eleven people. And those eleven people (at least one of them) walked away knowing that they were entertained. Later, when NSW folded, the Givens brothers were given the reins of SSW by Beau James, who had his eyes on other territories. Even after running a weekend long tribute to the “king of Kingsport” (I didn’t even know Kingsport was a monarchy), circumstances kept Beau from leaving the area. So, he retained the rights to SSW, and Tony & Ricky were given the option to restart their own brand ... and Championship Wrestling was born. After a healthy relationship with NWA: Blue Ridge, CW was given the opportunity to align themselves with the NWA to become ... yep, NWA: CW. And now, two years later, this is where our story begins.

Match 1: Jowad Wayne/ Tim Baldwin vs. Clay Conners/ Nick Hammonds
Tonight’s card is held under the old WCW Battle Bowl rules. The matches will be between tag teams of randomly chosen partners - “friends can become opponents, and enemies can become partners.” Tim Baldwin is out, and the crowd’s chanting “faggot” before he even hits ringside; maybe it’s the pink boa, or the pink tights, or the hair knotted in the front like antennae (all the better to channel the hallowed spirit of Adrian Street). He’s rocking the mic with a cat named Jowad Wayne, and while I don’t think they are in fact affiliated in the basic storyline of life that wrestling lays before me, the way that these guys are clinging to each other, I ain’t so sure.

Out comes the heroic Clay Conners and Nick Hammonds. Nick Hammonds who, in a surreal split of kayfabe/shoot, approached my brother-in-law prior to the show and starts talking about the guys behind the scenes and what to look for, then, seeing me, says, “I’m just hoping I can make it past my first match and hopefully meet (NWA:CW Heavyweight champion Ray) Idol for the belt.” I sit back, confident in the fact that I had just been carnied.

The match cements for me what I like about the Battle Bowl style, when booked right: basically, four singles matches held in the context of a tag team bout. Hammonds locks up with Baldwin, the latter of whom gets his homo spots in early. Then, Hammonds and Wayne have a shot to gel into a little man-to-man, then Conners vs. Wayne, and then Conners vs. Baldwin. Really, this match is the fluffer to the porno performance that watching wrestling is, and nothing really eventful happens, with the exception of some god-awful tomakaze into a facebuster used by Baldwin for a pin attempt on Hammonds. My belief is that moves that don’t look like they’d make you the alpha male in a parking lot fight don’t belong in wrestling, and the facebuster is one of them.

The faces win in a way that I don’t remember, even one day removed, because I don’t take notes on wrestling shows, I just watch ‘em.

Match 2: The Freak/Adam York vs. Bryan Wayne/ Wayne Adkins
Adam York, a/k/a Big Daddy used to be just a generic big man with a manager cutting his promos. Once he ditched the mouthpiece and formed the Bombers with hetero life partner Thorn, the mug stepped his game up big time in the past year. The Freak, on the other hand, is upon first impressions just another guy in a weird getup playing a crazy gimmick. He screams, acts a fool, and plays up the crowd in delightfully heelish dick ways.

Out come local hero of the insane gimmicks, Bryan Wayne, a/k/a Mr. Happy, a/k/a Playboy Bryan Wayne, a/k/a/ Beyond Normal Bryan Wayne, a/k/a Bubba Vader, a/k/a the White Kamala; his partner is the former Justin Sensation, Wayne Adkins, who honestly could do with not turning down a few free biscuits now and then, but his size is definitely an asset in selling offense for bigger opponents, if for nothing else. Bryan Wayne cuts a pre-match promo stating that the match will be on his terms, a “Beyond Normal” match, which I’m guessing is the same as “extreme,” “hardcore,” “Raven’s Rules,” “bunkhouse,”
“Chicago/Harlem/L.A./Atlanta/Texas street fight” rules. Wayne presents Adkins with a Christmas present that suspiciously looks like a chair. And like myself, when presented with a DVD-shaped gift, when he opens it he pretends to be surprised. I was praying for a “It’s what I always wanted” from Adkins, but it was not to be. Even a “I already had one, I hope you kept the receipt” would have been nice.

The match is pretty standard, although as much as I like Wayne and Adkins as wrestlers, and even as individuals outside the ring - watching Bryan Wayne interact with fans is a trip; you haven’t lived until you’ve seen him smoking between matches, signing autographs for kids and saying, “Don’t smoke, kids, it’s bad for you” as smoke billows out of his mouth into their shiny happy faces, making you wish that like a Truth commercial, it leads to a rise in underage smoking - this match is all Freak/York. Well, except for the ending.

The Freak is a pure independent pleasure to watch live. For the sake of the rubes, let’s say he works a heel comedic style a la Jim Carrey (of “In Living Color,” not of countless movies where he plays a rubberfaced dickhead). He incorporates comments the likes of “Ooh, this is a big one, he’s so strong,” while backing the severely undersized Adkins into the corner with ease; dropping a Sylvester The Cat impression in making fun of the rustic referee (“Thphuffering thphuccotathsh”), and, as the building turn by Adam York commences in every tag-slash-chop to the chest (“That’s one I’m gonna owe ya, York”); the crowd eats it up. Highlight of the match is not any particular move per se, but rather the moment when Freak executes a hard hiptoss to Adkins, who sells the pain; this Freak of which I speak gets up, smiles & says “Let’s see that again in slow motion,” then flips on his back and goes into a spot-on impression of Adkins’ agony. Heel comedy is gold, motherfucker.

Alas, York & Freak lose, but not in the fans’ hearts. Two things come out of the match: York is slowly edging out the local heroes like Josh Cody & Shane Matthews as my favorite Southern wrassler to watch live, and the Freak is destined for facehood; this latter point is driven home by the post-match beatdown by York to the Freak. In a hilarious moment of “shoot comments that aren’t intentionally shoot comments,” York attempts to apply a Styles Clash-type maneuver, but the Freak is a bit larger than the move will allow; as York attempts to hook the second arm and fails, the Freak blurts out, “This sucks.” What, the move or the fact that a perfectly good heel gimmick is about to get watered down in the mire of facehood? Amen brother.

Match 3: Chris Gilbert/Alyx Winters vs. Tim Baldwin and Mike Cooper
Gilbert & Winters can’t even make it to the ring without being at each others throats, as the drama is at an all time high. Winters is a current superstar, with a lot of Rob Van Damesque skill and none of that guilty aftertaste; the guy knows his shit about selling. Gilbert, I haven’t seen before but he looks like he has potential.

Baldwin is out again with Mike Cooper, for kayfabed reasons I don’t understand, but I, nor the fans chanting “faggot” all over again, don’t really need to. Mike Cooper, a/k/a Mad Dog, a/k/a the Shooter, is a pure technical beast. It was before my time, but I understand that he wallowed in the muck of being a prelim bum for a long time in Southern States before branching out to other local indies; so extensive was his losing streak at that time, the theory was that the Asian lettering tattooed on his back read, “Place mat here.”

Now, no slight to other guys in the match - Gilbert is apparently just out to sell the betrayal to Winters later in the match, and Baldwin already earned his cheddar tonight - but Winters and Cooper in the ring together are pure gold; none of the occasional awkwardness that some can expect from Southern indy matches, no apparent miscommunications. Everything gels at a very nice pace between the two, and it makes me think that a singles match between them would be worth a four hour drive from my hood in SC to the mean streets of Kingsport, TN. With a title on the line, to make it sweeter, of course.

Alyx Winters, following the refusal of a tag from Gilbert, wins with a frog splash. And he’s got an attractive baby’s momma and a son that looks incredibly like him, so he’s truly the real winner of the night.

Match 4: Robbie Cassidy/Thorn vs. Tony Givens/Tracy Smothers
Robbie Cassidy, one half of the tag team champions, and Thorn, one half of the heel team the Bombers, come out to the mixed reaction from the crowd. What do we do? Cheer the hero or boo the villain?! I’m confused; although Thorn, in a surprising moment, points to a plainclothed Adam York and says loudly and proudly, “That’s my tag team partner right there,” and gives him a big thumbs up. Weird.

They’re followed by Tony Givens & Tracy Smothers. Givens is ... for sake of comparison, think Sonjay Dutt, in addition to the other half of the tag team champions; Tracy Smothers is motherfucking Tracy Smothers. He’s splitting the difference between being the hero that these bucktoothed, unwashed masses can cheer, and being the guy you love to hate, picking on a guy with Down’s Syndrome sitting in the front row. What a dick.

The match progresses as normal, the 2x2x2x2 formula working perfectly, but the money moment is when Cassidy & Givens hit the ring. They’re tag team partners, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?!?! Answer: beat the shit out of each other. But all that changes when Smothers cuts a deal with Thorn to turn on Givens & Cassidy midway through the match, which sets up an interesting twist to the standard “watch your back, because your enemies now your partner and your friend is your opponent” formula, as each man is now fighting the other.

Unfortunately, the sudden introduction of time announcements kills my expectation for a definitive decision to this matchup. When I hear the first “Five minutes have gone by,” I’ve already heard this joke before, and can tell you the punchline: the match went to a fifteen minute time limit draw (although the timekeeper‘s ability to tell three minutes from five is somewhat suspect). The decision on the referee’s part that all four men advance to battle royal main is not met with much fan approval, and a small “five minutes more” chant breaks out, led by the guy with Down’s Syndrome.

After the match, Tony Givens gets on the mic and tries to cut a promo on Tracy Smothers. I say “tries to” because he doesn’t make it past “This isn’t Smoky Mountain Wrestling,” when a fan shouts, “You’ve got that right,” in the most unintentionally hilarious moment of the night. Givens catches the comment and is done; you can actually see everything that he had to say scoot right out of his head, and he heads to the back, while the fan is left saying, “But I was just agreeing with him.”

Side Note: Heavyweight champion Ray Idol and Super Destroyer got a bye to the Battle Bowl main event, which is now going to be held in a Royal Rumble style, as if this show doesn't have enough complexity in its layout.

Clarence Clippenback/Danny Ray vs. Beau James/Rob Knight
The storyline here is that, apparently, referee Rob Knight was cost his job by heel manager Clarence Clippenback, a 300 lb old guy who calls himself the “official sex symbol of the new millenium” ... SMELL THE COMEDY. Clippenback, I’ve never been able to stand for long, simply for his adherence to the same old shuck-and-jive of calling the women in the crowd “fat cows” and distracting the referee by accusing the most portly of the herd of “looking at my sexy butt.”

I question Beau James’ logic of having a referee as his tag partner, because from what I know of the wrestling, a referee goes down hard to an errant forearm, so in theory a body slam would kill him. James teaches Knight the basics of wrestling mid-match, instructing him on the proper way to execute an arm twist, then it occurs to me that Knight is wearing a ref’s shirt like, you know, the referee, so I’m hoping that they capitalize on the possibility for shenanigans on this one. An aside: Rob Knight works for the Johnson City Golden Corral. Heel miscommunication costs the Clippencrew the match. Smell the turn! Super Destroyer is out to question Clarence’s motivations.

Main Event: Battle Bowl, Royal Rumble style
At the expense of even trying to go through the who-came-out, who-got-tossed, I’m just going to tell you that Alyx Winters won the Battle Bowl Rumble by eliminating Super D (as the masked Destroyer is affectionately referred to) after Clippenback held down the ropes and Alyx put Super D over the top. This sets up the main event for January 22 as Ray Idol vs. Alyx Winter for the NWA:CW Heavyweight title. Not a bad little match to look forward to, and if there’s a decent undercard then definitely a show I’d make a trip to see.

After the battle royale, Super D, with help from Mike Cooper, beat down Clippenback. Givens & Cassidy came to the ring to stop the Destroyer and Coop from breaking Clarence's leg and the four went at it until Beau James came to the ring and ran the heels off. Out of nowhere, though, Beau turns on Givens & Cassidy - WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! - and Super D, “King of Kingsport” Beau James and Mike Cooper take over on Givens & Cassidy with Wayne Adkins, Clay Conners and Nick Hammonds coming out to help. Problem is, they get down by the three, while Tracy Smothers comes to the ring with SSW shirts and hands them out; I tried to get Smothers to throw one to me, but that would have left them one short and that might have meant that Coop wouldn’t have gotten one.

The beatdown is sick as shit; stiff, brutal and utterly horrendous in a good and satisfying way. Coop nails a fisherman’s buster from the top rope to Conners; Destroyer hits a chokeslam-spinebuster from the top to Tony (his brother, incidentally ... “it’s a Givens family Christmas”); and Beau nails Hammonds with a sick forearm that would have sent my ass to the hospital, and I feel no shame in saying it. Noticeably absent was Ray Idol, the champion of this fine organization, I noticed; interesting ... Beau gets on the mic and talks about SSW being back to take down the "kids" in the back and renew east Tennessee wrestling tradition. Beau, Super D, Smothers and Coop leave through the front exit. The fans are shocked; I mean, dead silence shocked. One small girl wails like her folks just told her there’s no Santa Claus because they’re poor and can’t afford shit. Broken bodies, blood everywhere, and yet the fans all still clamor around to get pics with their heroes. Weird.

Ultimately, a really good show. I’d advise to anyone looking for NWA:CW action look no further than the NWA: CW website around January, when a “best of 2004” DVD will be available. But don’t review it, ‘cause reviews cheapen the love of the wrestling like nothing else.

Match of the night: Alyx Winters vs. Mike Cooper - This being a subsection of the tag match around it, I would pay high dollar to see these two meet up again, and provided this SSW “invasion” angle runs a decent course, and should Alyx win the Heavyweight belt, this could make from some really good matches.

Star of the show: The Freak - I hate that he turned from a dickish heel, because pandering to the fans makes one soft and watered down. Hopefully, a fresh take on the clowning hero will emerge and he’ll retain an element of sinister purpose that makes the villains infinitely more interesting than the heroes, and the heroes more appealing when they have skeletons to hide than when they’re squeaky clean. We’re Americans, we aren’t living unless we live in fear that our heroes may one day turn on us.

Moment that stole the show: The man-sized raping of NWA:CW by the SSW crew - Hands down, when you make children cry, you’ve sold me, man. When even the forearms make me glad to be a wrestling fan, you’ve got shit that if you sold it in bottles, you’d make a fortune.

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The Universal Scientific Truths

1) There are two kinds of people in this world: those that suck dick and those that don't. 2) Stupid people don't know they're stupid. 3) Play to get paid. 4) Somedays you get the elevator, somedays you get the shaft. 5) Never say more'n you have to. 6) Never ask a question unless you are prepared for the answer. 7) Books are fucking heavy. 8) The board is dead. 9) Titties uber alles! 10) Correlation does not imply causation. 11) The world is not enough. 12) Hook the leg.

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