Sometimes things can get a bit wild in the 352.
I was invited to attend a party last night that was dubbed a "housewarming." It was also a going away bash for a guy I didn't know, but I'm friends with the host and his roommate, so I went. Without going into too much detail, let me hit up the basic facts before the hilarity happens.
First, I knew at most six people there. It was one of those parties where people from a lot of different circles attend and then clique off for the remainder of the function. There were people from a software company, people from a couple of different academic departments, and then the people I knew from school. People kept cycling in and out, but there were at times upwards of 35 people there (this will be important for later on)
Second, the host's mother and father were there. This guy's parties are always very well-stocked events, and his mom and dad whipped up some really good asian cuisine (of the spicy variety). That was a bit unexpected, but at first it was no big deal and they were pretty nice.
Third, there was a Nintendo Wii attached to a big screen TV. I hadn't played the Wii before (and I still haven't much), but it was a neat distraction when things got old.
So, with that out of the way, about an hour and a half into the party, I started trying to figure out the Wii. I pretty much got it to play Mario Bros. and that was about it. People are cycling in and out and a big group from one of the departments had just left, but there are still about 20 people. I notice that the going away guy has just made it in, but I keep playing the Nintendo. Maybe five minutes goes by. I die. I need a drink. So I get up and walk to the kitchen and pass a stripper who is walking from the hallway to give the guy a lapdance.
Read that last sentence again.
A party, attended by the host's mother and father, has a stripper. Giving. A. Lapdance.
I can't imagine many more situations that could be as awkward as this one was. But sure enough, the music came on and she started going to town. He was at first sitting in a computer chair in the middle of the floor, but the stripper realized that grinding on a rolling chair = pushing the guy away from you = less tips, so he was moved to the couch.
Bear in mind this guy's parents are watching. Well, the dad was watching. The mom went into the kitchen.
If we were rating the stripper on the old That Other Site rating scale, I would give her an automatic disqualification via a Mike Cooper chairshot. This girl was all sorts of nasty. Bad dye job. Looked cracked out. No salads to speak of. One person commented that she should spend some more time at the Chinese buffet.
But she didn't realize that. She had taken Paul McCartney's advice to heart and was going to do her job well (or as well as can be expected). At this point, as her top was off and she was sporting the thong (and unfortunately his shirt was off also), we noticed something quite funny.
The people were still playing Nintendo.
Despite all the commotion. Even with the loud club music. While a naked girl danced on another man's johnson, Mario was still out to rescure the princess. Photographic proof of this will be posted as soon as I get the picture from e-mail, but I will tell you that this was the most surreal site I have ever witnessed.
The host claimed that he paid $90 for her to dance for 15 minutes. I told him he got ripped off.
The whole time this was going on, new people kept coming into the party. The opened the door and were immediately greeted by a flat-chested ho and Super Mario. Some would call that an unbeatable combination I suppose. And yes, the host's father never went into the kitchen.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Nintendo, Curry, and an Unexpected Guest
Saturday, July 28, 2007
An A-Z analysis of my Google search habits at work over the past 6 months
Intro: In the Google toolbar, if you start typing a search term, the first letter will call up a host of prior searches. Things were slow yesterday at work.
(Now Wikipedia-free!)
Aposematic coloring: The defensive coloration of animals that serves as a warning signal to potential predators of a species' lethality or unpalatability. Example, skunks; their distinctive black fur with white striping pattern wards off predators by the promise of a distinctive pungent attack.
Boogeyman: No, not the wrestler, the creature of myth & legend. No real definition of the boogeyman (alt: bogeyman) exists, other than he's a fictional character used to scare children into obedience.
Cherry & Bubb: Cherry & Bubb was an offshoot of Mike & Ike candy, put out on shelves from Just Born (the same people who make Peeps ... yep, those ghastly marshmallow chickens that come out on Easter). Instead of having the flavor assortment of Mike & Ikes, it had two flavors to choose from: cherry and bubble gum. I used to think these were the shit back in the day, but lo, they've been off shelves for quite some time, like the late, lamented Snickers Cruncher.
Dead pornstars: Look, sometimes, you just get curious about some things, you know? So, I punched this one up, and I think I'm still waiting to see if I'm going ot get in trouble for it. But I learned a few things. One, I learned that Tiffany Rose(she's on the pornstar background, wearing red and nestled between a brunette with an open mouth [go figure] and a chick with some serious blonde dookie braids) died in 1998 in a car accident, which makes me feel weird for looking at pics of her taking it in the cheeks. Two, a lot of pornstars died from AIDS related complications, but surprisingly more men than women. Three, there was a dude named Billy London who worked in gay films that was found dismembered in a dumpster; that's pretty fucked up.
Ebola Syndrome: An Asian film from 1996 that's hitting DVD on July 31; a mobster kills a rival, then becomes a wanted man. He goes into hiding, which leads him to Africa, where he happens upon a helpless woman dying with Ebola. He rapes her, contracts the virus, then becomes a carrier. He works in a meat factory, and any of his enemies, he cuts them up and makes them into meat patties, where his customers catch their cases of Ebola from. Something tells me this could give "Zombie Nation" a run for its money.
Freedom Force: A PC video game; a superhero action/ RPG, which predated "City of Heroes" as a near-perfect comic book homage (although CoH is more of a superhero sim). The thing I like about Freedom Force is how you have to work around the limitations of each hero - El Diablo is mildly claustrophobic, Man-Bot has to wear his iron suit to keep his powers from going wild. Pretty fun game, and should be available for about $10; the sequel, "Freedom Force vs. the 3rd Reich," is also available at fine retail locations for about $10, also.
Ghost Hunters: The Sci-Fi Channel reality show, which follows The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS) as they investigate alleged hauntings in locations around the globe, searching for evidence of the paranormal. I found out that, in 2006, one of the TAPS founders, Jason Hawes, was being harassed by Barry Eckstrom, a 51 year old guy still living with his parents. Eckstrom sent emails threatening Hawes, and, when apparently he didn't get what he wanted from this avenue, he started sending emails to Hawes' TAPS female co-workers, telling them he wanted to rape and kill them. When Eckstrom started sending threats to the President in Hawes' name, that's when the law stepped in. Eckstrom is now serving 2 years in prison.
Harry Blackstone Jr: Magician. Son of Harry Blackstone, himself a renowned magician. This was back when magic was fun, before Criss Angel got his first "edgy" tattoo, and before David Blain was born with Down's Syndrome.
Inferno: As in "Dante's Inferno," the first chapter of the "Divine Comedy." This is Dante's vision of hell. This is also the piece of literature which introduced the world to the Nine Circles of Hell. Alberto Gonzales will be found in the ninth, in case anyone's looking for him in the afterlife.
Jigai: The method of suicide chosen by Japanese women; this involves the severing of the jugular vein.
Krondon: The Rondo Hatton-looking member of rap group Strong Arm Steady. Krondon has yet to release a solo album, but a full length SAS album, "Deep Hearted," is due out August 28, 2007. Krondon is mighty; his guest verses on most underground rappers' albums usually kill. Check out his rhyme, "A Million."
Lost Legends of Surf Guitar: A four disc series of unreleased and rare surf instrumentals, released by Sundazed Music. The first two volumes - "Big Noise From Waimea" and "Point Panic" - have some great tracks, like "Cemetery Stomp," "The Jester," and "Jack The Ripper." If I ever get back to making some music mixes, te first stop is an instrumental track, which will include a few of those very tracks.
Murder City Machine Guns: The next big tag team, consisting of Alx Shelley and Chris Sabin, who unfortunately are busy being fellated by the IWC. Howeeeeever, they are very good; their match vs. Bob Backlund & Jerry Lynn at TNA: Victory Road 2007, and their series with LAX (match one was online, match two was on Impact this week) are well worth watching.
Numb3rs: One of maybe an even eight television shows that I actually watch that have nothing to do with wrestling. It's like CSI for math nerds; if you thought that some of the science in CSI was a bit sketchy and probably wouldn't stand up in a court of law, then this probably ain't the show for you. Hey, it stars Judd Hirsch ("Taxi," "Dear John"), what d'ya want?
Orange Peel social club: Every so often, I like to check the calendar of events for this concert hall in Asheville, NC, to see if anything would be worth dropping a few bills and some gallons of crude to go see. Saw Jurassic 5 there a few years back ... "Aaashe-viiille!"
Phantasm: A horror film, released in 1979. This made popular those little flying silver balls with drill bits and saw blades attached. Angus Scrimm's Tall man character deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as the Freddys, Jasons, and Pinheads. And here's some interesting shit: in Australia, "Fantasm" and "Fantasm Comes Again" were sex comedies that were popular Down Under. In an effort to keep fans from being (understandably) confused, the movie was retitled "The Never Dead."
Quadrilogy: As in "The Alien Quadrilogy," that box set of all four Alien films. Except there's no such word as quadrilogy; the word that means what I assume "quadrilogy" is supposed to mean, is tetralogy. There's no such thing as quality control anymore. (Right, Fergie "the Dutchess?)
Ray Gelato: Neo-swing band leader (of "The Ray Gelato Giants"), who performs in the style of Louie Prima; their best selling album, "The Men From UNCLE," is woefully out of print. Highlights worth downloading (ahem, legally of course) are "I've Got A Way With Women," "Chicky-Mo," and "Tu Vuo Fa L'Americano," for starters.
Spaghetti westerns: Not only the Clint Eastwood "Man With No Name" trilogy, but there's a whole host of great films in this genre. High on the list of movies to watch are "Strangers Gundown," "Django," and "Cutthroats Nine." In fact, the first two I mentioned are part of the "Django" series; Django is the spaghetti western's answer to Godzilla, as a character that appears in many related sequels.
Tom Noonan: Actor who portrayed Francis Dolarhyde in "Manhunter" and Frankenstein in "Monster Squad." In Rue Morgue #69, an interviewer keeps asking Noonan about his monster roles; Noonan responds by telling the interviewer that if he keeps referring to Noonan as a "monster," he'll (Noonan) hunt the interviewer down. And that's awesome; Tom Noonan, living the gimmick. Carny as fuck.
Uri Gellar: Dude bends spoons with his mind. I seem to recall that this dude was on the Arsenio Hall Show, and he was telling the audience that he could make a broken appliance or electric device work by "talking to it" through the TV. Mom held a watch up to the TV, and sure enough the watch started working again. Of course, it could have been the amount of alcohol in her system ramped up her Galvanic skin response and the impulses could have generated power that kickstarted the watch.
Video nasties: In the 1980s, video was a whole new world of cinema, but in Britain, it was largely unregulated. As a result, films that would have ordinarily been banned from the big screen were able to find their audience on the small. But the Director of Public Persecutions changed that, and the result was a legal debacle. Prosecution was brought against any video store that was found to have copies of films that made the "video nasties" list (there were 39 films that were outright banned, but as many as 75 films made the list at any time). I believe that some private collectors were charged as well. Makes you love free speech.
West Memphis Three: Basis for the documentary "Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills." Three men were accused, tried and convicted of killing three boys in West Memphis, AK. The case apparently was as botched as Brock Lesnar's Wrestlemania shooting star press, and new evidence has been presented for the accused. The victims were mutilated, and growing suspicion was levied against three men who were ultimately found guilty. Chief among the "evidence" that the community based their suspicions on were rumors of a satanist cult in the community, and the alleged perpetrators were into wicca and listened to heavy metal. "A mark is someone who believes OJ didn't do it." - Brian Pillman
Xtro: A horror/ sci-fi film released in 1983, and a video nasty. I don't know which is worse: the birth of a fully grown adult male from a human womb, or the emergence of the midget medicine man from a woman's tumor in "The Manitou?"
Yokozuna: No, not the wrestler. Yokozuna is the highest rank in sumo wrestling. Taro Akebono - the dude that wrestled Big Show at Wrestlemania 21 - is the first foreign (non-Japanese) sumo to achieve the yokozuna status. I've always been a fan of sumo wrestling, watching ESPN's late night replays of sumo tournaments; sadly, I caught some sumo wrestling a few weeks ago on one of the ESPNs (I think it was ESPN 37), and it was a tournament from 1996. That kinda sucked.
Zygodactyl: A characteristic of a bird's foot, particularly parrots. This is where the bird's foot has two toes in the front, and two toes in the back. Both sets of toes can curl around perches and branches more easily.
Science Gone Mad - Striving to make you smarter!!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Question of the day:
Is this girl attractive?
The answer to that question is yes, but that's not the question of the day.
Is this girl attractive enough that you'd dig her decomposing corpse out of the ground to have sex with it?
If you're these dudes, the answer to the real question of the day is YES!
This story is a few months old, but I found out about it today because the sexual assault charges they were facing were dropped as Wisconsin doesn't have laws prohibiting necrophilia. That's pretty understandable, because normal people usually aren't thinking about necrophilia and therefore aren't thinking about the need to ban it. Much like Washington not having bestiality laws until after a dude got fucked to death by a horse. Death by horsecock. I wonder what his parents told people who asked about him.
But I digress. The best part of this story is how the above trio of social outcasts decided to dig up the body after seeing her picture in the obituary after she died in a motorcycle wreck. They succeeded in exhuming the corpse but were caught by police who had been called to the scene after suspicious activity was reported. And that's the second worst part of the story: they got the body out of the ground but didn't even get to have sex with it. I'm just saying that it sucks for them to do all that work with nothing to show for it.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The cool thing about Lindsay Lohan?
If I put cocaine on my dick and dangled it in her face, she would probably suck it.
The Worst Movie Ever Made
Just because a movie is on free On Demand, does not mean you should watch it.
Currently playing, in front of me, is the most horrendous movie I have ever had the misfortune of watching: Zombie Nation.
I'm going to give it all away because there is no reason to watch it, so I don't think spoilers will matter.
The main character is a German guy named Siegler or something like that. Although he has mannerisms that resemble Ahrnold and a similar accent, his character claims to be from Alabama. He is a member of the LAPD, except that he only drives a burgandy car with a gumball light on it. Did I also mention that he is a serial killer?
Yes, our German cop from Alabama is a serial killer. He pulls over women in his nondescript cop car, then handcuffs them and takes them to a warehouse, where he ties them up, gives them a physical exam (literally too...he has a doctors flashlight and looks down their noses and their ears), then injects them with something that kills them.
This in and of itself does not make for a bad movie. But, when you consider that his partner cop stays outside the warehouse while this goes on and fails to ask the guy what is in the huge duffell bag that the evil German/Alabamaian cop (EGAC) puts in his trunk. We see the EGAC kill three women.
At the station house, which is actually the same warehouse where the guy kills his victims at but redressed to have cubicles, the captain doesn't want to hear anything about his subordinate killing anyone, so the guy can ostensibly continue.
That is, until he kills the hot Russian chick for "jaywalking." You see, she was prepared. She went to a voodoo priestess and had a spell put on her to protect her from death. So when she gets injected and dumped off of his boat (cops make good money in LA apparently) she comes back to life. Of course, for no real reason, so do the other four women he killed who have been nowhere near a voodoo priestess.
Bear in mind that it took one hour of an hour and 24 minute movie to get to this.
The Zombie makeup would make Tom Savini jealous. They put eye black around the women's eyes. Two girls get up first, find a guy in a car who, for some reason, lets them into the car after telling his secretary to "dump all his pesos." He has second thoughts when the zombie offers to kiss him and them bites his tounge off.
The second group finds a redneck who whips out his jimmy (apparently he doesn't see many people) and one of them rips it off and eats it.
They converge on the voodoo house and they tell them that the have to kill the guy.
They go kill the guy.
Then they get hired on as police officers.
The movie ends.
Absolutely, bar none the single worse movie ever put on film. How this made On Demand I have no idea.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
A Travesty of an Epic Nature
The results are in, and the new host of The Price is Right is...
Drew Carey.
Read that again. Drew Carey of Whose Line and his own lame sitcom is now the host of the Price is Right. Drew Carey, who hosts another game show on CBS, is now the host of the Price is Right.
That I find tragic about all of this is that the Price is Right is an American institution. Bob Barker was the host of the Price Is Right for 35 years, which means he took the gig about 1972. Bob Barker was a source of stability through the end of Vietnam, Watergate, disco, the end of the Cold War, and the Clinton era. America could depend on Barker to hock low-end Chevrolets, Johnson and Johnson prodicts, and cheap shoes in the name of competition, all of which showed that the American economy and American spirit were alive and well. Drew Carey can not bring that type of stability to the airwaves.
Bob Barker was American daytime television. Bob Barker was the game show. Forget Wink Martindale or Bob Eubanks or Bill Cullen, Bob Barker was the embodiment of this sort of television. Adam Sandler knew this and that is why Barker's appearance in Happy Gilmore works so well with our generation. We see Bob in a different light and it is shocking. Drew Carey is just another comic, who will seek movie roles and other hosting opportunities. He is bigger than the role and, therefore, will diminish its importance.
Rumor had it that Rosie O'Donnell had wanted the Price is Right job. Had she got it, you would see a similar post to this one but more angry and anti-CBS. CBS needed a nobody to host this show because the show is bigger than the person. Drew Carey is about two steps from the Surreal Life, but he is a somebody. And that's just wrong.
Monday, July 23, 2007
"Thriller" in prison
Found this through the "secret clubhouse." If you don't find this cool ... you have no soul.
On Tim Donaghy
As you've probably all heard by now, an NBA official is under investigation for betting on games and affecting their outcome.
This could be the death of the NBA, or it could be a rebirth. Either way, it is major, major news.
The last betting scandal of any major sports, the 1919 Black Sox Scandal, led to a marked decrease in attendance. This was a time when radio was first being used commercially and you didn't have a big fan base outside of the urban area, so revenue was driven entirely at the ballparks. The Black Sox nearly killed baseball until Babe Ruth arrived on the scene and became a one-man media sensation. Newsreels and radio broadcasts made the Babe the pivotal celebrity of the day. He, like Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa a few years ago, generated enough interest in baseball to bring it back to life. We can call this the David Beckham principle.
The NBA does not have anything, or anyone, like Babe Ruth (or David Beckham for that matter) unless they can fund the creation of a time machine, go back to 1984, and bring that MJ to the present. If it comes out that Donaghy made a significant impact on a playoff series (and its looking like he had a lot to do with the Spurs/Suns Game 3 from this year), it is going to shake the fan base of the NBA to no end. I stopped watching NBA games when they moved the Hornets out of Charlotte, and I can't see any reason to start watching now.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Rob Zombie's Halloween
Pick up a copy of Fangoria #265; or, at least flip through it. I'll wait here.
Back? Okay.
Flip through to the feature on Zombie's "Halloween." Right there, on the second page; look at the kid wearing the KISS shirt, the one that looks like the drummer for Hanson. That, my friends, is Daeg Faerch, the actor who portrays a young Michael Myers in Rob Zombie's remake.
Anyone who thinks or, God forbid, argues that this might be a good film is hopelessly fooling themselves.
Quotes to live by, on this, the 201st day of the year
"If movies like ["I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry"], 'Norbit,' and 'Wild Hogs' are really what you want, by all means go out and buy some tickets. If you can lift your knuckles off the ground long enough to work the Velcro on your wallet, that is." - Pete Vonder Haar
Read the awesome here.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wonderful news on food safety slash shitty journalism
Omigod, unsavory items placed in Chinese food!
Omigod, not really!
EDIT: Granted, it could have been worse ...
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Palumbo's RAW Review, 7/17/07
Coming to you live from the eloquently-named American Bank Center in Corpus Christi, TX - last night's Monday Night RAW was our lead-in to Sunday's PPV, the legendary Great American Bash. Second only to Starrcade in the Golden-Age of Territorial PPV, the Bash has a rich history (of Dusty Rhodes going over) that, while I will always associate it with Jim Crockett Promotions (and for a few watchable years, Ted Turner's WCW); I'm glad to see the WWF, er, E attempting to keep the tradition alive.
After the introductions, the crowd is popped by the music of Motorhead's "King of Kings", which could only signal the Game himself, Triple H. Hmm, they had said he was coming back, so it's not really all that surprising. What is surprising is how in the time off, Triple H came back looking so much like King Booker T and Charmel. Now that's shape shifting...oh wait, that's really just Booker T and Charmel. Booker grabs the stick to chastise Triple H for his use of the "King of Kings" as his entrance theme, declaring blasphemy, being that he is the only true King in the WWE. Using his (delusional) power of monarchy, he "strips" Triple H of his association with the word "King." Does this at all remind you of the time Booker wrestled Ahmed Johnson (or Big T, Mr. T, Sweet Tea, whatever he was in WCW) for exclusive rights to the letter T?
Making his way over to JR and Jerry Lawler, he then attempts to strip Jerry Lawler of his "Kingdom." Jerry tries to reason with him, claiming there is room for both Kings in the WWE. Booker isn't trying to hear that, and attempts to throw his weight around by making Lawler kiss his ring. All of a sudden the greatest hillbilly wrestling fan's voice appears from the 3rd-4th row with a "Don't do it, Jeeeeerrrryyyyy" that had this stoned reviewer rolling. Jerry proceeds to tell Booker that he has been a King for over 30 years (goddamnit) and he's not kissing anybody's rings, and Booker can suck his goddamn dick (although in much more family-friendly language). Booker swings, and Jerry Lawler unleashes a swarm of overhand rights to a crowd pop so huge I got online just to double check that RAW wasn't in Memphis. Score on for the REAL King.
Periodically throughout the night, we are treated to "expert analysis" by the WWE's top superstars, as for their prediction for the Main Event Title Match at the Great American Bash, between John Cena and Bobby Lashley.
Ric Flair places his prediction squarely on John Cena, citing the fact that Cena has been champ before, and true champs (of which I guess he would know...) know how to get the belt and hang onto it.
Back in the ring we have our first contest of the evening, in a 4-way Dance for a shot at Umaga's Intercontinental Title at the Great American Bash. Our participants are Jeff Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Santino Marella, and Lord Steven Regal. This ended up being a decent match, good mat wrestling with a couple high-impact maneuvers thrown in for good measure. The commentary was cracking me up during this match though, as J.R. referred to Jeff Hardy as the "Rainbow Haired Warrior" (that's a little nicer than what I would have said), and when discussing Santino Marella's disappointment over losing his IC belt to Umaga, Lawler declared that "Santino's reality check had bounced." Jeff Hardy with the pinfall for the IC title match at the Bash.
We then cut to a Kane promo about how Kane is "everywhere", like in the bathroom, the closets, etc. Rather than discuss this stupid vignette to hype his World Title match with Edge at the PPV, I will just include this picture of me and Kane appearing together at an event for charity. Ah, it feels good when celebrities come together to give back to the community.
After an up-to-standards promo from Randy Orton re-affirming his "Legend Killer" status, we cut to Maria comforting a very depressed Santino Marella backstage. Santino professes that he wants to quit the wrestling business, that he feels like a loser. That's the spirit, Santino - if at first you don't succeed, quit. Come on, do it for me. Not gonna happen, as Santino then uses his "smooth Italian ways" to lure Maria back to his hotel room.
Back to our Bash predictions, we're joined by Rhodes Scholar Dave Batista, who gave a very "softball" prediction, saying both guys were tough competitors, blah blah blah. Batista has his money on Bobby Lashley though.
The poster-child for oral-hygiene, Snitsky, cuts a promo flashing his grill that would make Paul Wall jealous. Which then takes us to our next contest, Snitsky vs. Val Venis. Whoa, Val Venis. He's still around? I remember when he first came out, I would get genuinely nervous every time he came to the ring in the towel, that he would in fact be naked underneath and I would be forced to see schlong on RAW in the name of Vince's "Attitude" era. Anyway, Snitsky whooped-the-far out of Val Venis in a match that seemed to leave the audience truly creped out by Snitsky, rather than afraid.
If Starrcade was Ric Flair's PPV, then the Great American Bash was definitely Dusty Rhodes' time to shine. Which would make sense that one of the main attractions Sunday night would be Dusty Rhodes in a Bullrope Match against Randy Orton. Remember what I said last week about the young audience not really understanding WTF a bullrope match is? Well, I was right - and they sent Jerry Lawler to the ring with a bullrope to explain the concept to the crowd, as well as to brush them up on some of the history of the bullrope/cowbell/wrasslin combination.
Which leads us to the in-ring debut of Cody Rhodes. After seeing him for the second week, I am steadfastly convinced that kid is not the seed of Dusty Rhodes. Listening to him cut his promo, his mannerisms, etc....I mean you take one look at Dustin Rhodes, and it's obvious. I don't know what 6-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon you would need to connect this kid to Big Dust, but you're not fooling me.
Cody Rhodes wasn't too bad of a worker, he seemed to know how to sell, but he also kind of reeked of "wrestling school graduate", and was thoroughly taken to school by Randy Orton. Afterwards we cut to a bizarre vignette that seemed to be...highlights of Randy Orton giving knees to the head of guys who were already down. Dastardly.
Our next Great American Bash prediction comes from none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin, who was so polite and non-raunchy, he literally almost seemed depressed. I'm serious, he had the same look on his face as I saw on the mug of Randy "Pee Wee" Anderson on a Nitro re-run last week, doing his "I've wrassled cancer" soliloquy. Austin's pick is John Cena, based on the "tuffness."
Women's competition is back in order with Melina vs. Mickey James vs. Candice Michelle.
At this point, my own personal women's competition took priority, as I received a call from some trim, causing me to miss the next 15 minutes of RAW, so I couldn't tell ya what happened. Unfortunately SGM management will not pay for TiVO, and DVR's are for people who pay their cable bill.
Upon returning to television, Mick Foley was giving his two-cents-worth on the main event of the Bash and his choice of Bobby Lashley, which basically equated to "Lashley - great, Cena - sucks." JBL also weighed in, picking Cena as the winner based on his having more "experrrence."
Back in the squared circle, we have Carlito vs. The Sandman (who I'll be damned if he doesn't look like he had Botox). After interference from William Regal caused a DQ victory for The Sandman, Regal's interference is broken up by none other than Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and I couldn't have been more under-whelmed. Sorry folks, I've just never dug Duggan.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy ended up being a decent match, with Crazy pulling out some decent lucha ish. The highlight of this match for me though was once again the commentary, with JR and the King discussing the finer points of the Abdominal Stretch to the point of beating it far to death, as if almost to crack each other up. Every time King would try to change the subject, JR would fire back with "Well how does it affect your breathing, King? Being in the abdominal stretch..." Mr. Kennedy gets the pinfall on Super Crazy.
And finally the main event is...a Debate-style promo set up with podiums and all for John Cena and Bobby Lashley. The debate is hosted by RAW General Manager Jonathan Coachman, who has come a long fricking way, people. I remember when he was first given a broadcasting job, he was the most devoid-of-charisma, uninteresting schmuck I had seen on WWF TV since Kevin Kelly. (Hey, watching Todd Pettengill was like being kicked in the balls by a Dodge RAM, but at least he did have enthusiasm. As an aside, he is one of the most popular radio DJ's here in New York City, so I cannot escape the asshole). But this is about RAW and the Coach, and boy has Coach said his prayers and took his vitamins, the ol' boy's not half bad to watch nowadays.
With both champion and challenger in the ring, Cena lets off with a humorous answer to Coach's first question. When it came Bobby Lashley's turn to answer questions, things got unexpectedly awkward. Being the beast that he is, Bobby Lashley's voice sounds like a 21 year-old manager at Office Depot, and he's not all that keen on promos. Lashley looked visibly uncomfortable and tells the crowd that talking is not what he does, that's what John Cena does, so he should just let Cena do the talking. With that, the challenger tries to leave, only to be heckled by Jonathan Coachman, who orders him to take this seriously, and that this is his segment (bitch). Lashley decides he's going to pulverize the Coach, who then threatens to strip him of his title shot if Bobby lays a hand on him. So who do you turn to? Your champion, John Cena. Love him or hate him (and I've taken a bit of flack from friends for being a Cena mark), the man has enough intensity, charisma, and enthusiasm to compensate his 5-moves-of-doom. For the last 5 minutes of RAW, Cena cut a blistering promo that not only talked Bobby Lashley down from his roid rage, but told the fans they should tune in to the Bash to see two Champions Clash (no pun intended) over the most coveted title in all of professional wrestling.
And this folks is where we end things. What did I think of RAW? Like I said last week, they have their work cut out for them trying to rebuild things, but it really seems like (and I'm not gonna jump the gun yet and give Vince credit for getting things back in order, because as soon as I do that, he will inevitably disappoint me), but for this weeks RAW and last, with more in-ring mechanics, less dramatics, and a new-found focus on the World Heavyweight Title as "the reason we compete", the focus seems to slowly be moving back to good-old-fashioned wrasslin, updated for the 2K7.
I give tonight's RAW 3.5 out of 5 Honky Tonk Man Hasbro Action Figures.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
SGM Official Seals
Check 'em out.
First try didn't turn out great:
I'm partial to the last two:
(Through Mad Science to conquer darkness.)
(For the greater glory of Mad Science.)
I don't know that we NEED an official seal, but this was fun. You can go to the URL in the image and make your own.
Punisher (MAX): Widowmaker
This has been one incredible story arc!
Covering Punisher #43-49, this story has been totally kickass. Five widows of mobsters go a-hunting for the Punisher, while a mystery woman hunts the bella mafia. And this story had some incredible characterization, which really pulled me in; everything from the Samuel Jackson-inspired police officer, down to the illiterate moll.
The connection between the Punisher and the mystery woman is one of kindred spirituality. Turns out the woman owes a debt to the Punisher, and he finds in her an emotional anchor that he didn't expect. But the twist at the end ... whoa. Wow. I mean, wow. It really drives home the dark road that the Punisher travels, and the emotional and mental sacrifices that Frank Castle had to make when he donned the big skull.
Now, contrast this book with shite like "Punisher War Journal." I used to believe that the Punisher was at his best chasing costumed criminals - and maybe in the hands of a better writer1, he would be - but this current arc has been terribly handled, with the Punisher donning an ersatz Captain America costume and facing the Hate Monger over what feels like the past 100 issues (which, in actuality, has only been four issues so far, but still feels like it's in the middle of the tale). And while I do look forward to seeing the Punisher facing the Hulk (for his entry in the "World War Hulk" shindig), the MAX series has the mainstream Marvel Universe title beat, hands down.
Punisher MAX series: 2 1/2 count
Punisher MAX: Widowmaker: 3 count
Punisher War Journal: 1 count
1The writer is, conveniently enough, Matt Fraction, as in, "a fraction of the talent needed to write an interesting comic series." Hoo hoo, I'm such a bitch!
[Lucha Libre] The Road to Triplemania XV continues ...
After a rough start due to problems with the digital feed, lucha love continues.
Fabi Apache takes man-sized chairshots, and looks hot hot hot doing it. And how does a referee heal the damage? By pouring water on it, of course.
Super Calo (WCW, 1998-1999)
vs.
Randy Savage (WWF, 1988-89)
Whoever it is that programs a public service announcement about the dangers of methamphetamine abuse after a Juventud Guerrera promo is a goddamn genius.
Extreme Tiger's 450 Splash from the top rope to the ground was muy impressive; surprised he didn't toast his shit like Sexy Star did last week though. Buut ... he doesn't live through the powerbomb into the LIGHT TUBES OF DEATH~!!
I bet El Guapito has gotten more free pussy than most people have paid for.
Alebrije con Cuije, you dress like a ladybug, you deserve all the shit you get ... but where do you order a walker for a midget?
The Chessman vs. Kenzo Suzuki sequences in the main event were pretty damn macho, but the power of the Secta de Mesias & the Foreign Legion is too much for the Hell Brothers.
Triplemania XV is this Sunday, but it will air on Galavision on 8/11/07 ... the countdown is on!
One reason that lucha libre is better than American wrestling: The announcers sing to the wrestlers' entrance music.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Palumbo's RAW Review, 7/10/07
Right about now you’re probably thinking, “What the hell makes you, Jake Palumbo, qualified to review Monday Night RAW???” Well, because Nate said so and that’s the bottom line. Seriously folks, like Memphis’s Mid-South Coliseum all through the 80’s, watching wrestling on Monday nights is good, honest American tradition; it just feels right to have RAW on Mondays, to the point I was never able to really get into watching SmackDown.
Knowing that the contributors of SGM (as well as most of its readership) are also card-carrying wrestling geeks like myself, it’s comforting to be amongst my people and not have to tout my so-called credentials like a lot of the internet wrestling community feels the need to do.
Although I should point out, as a token of my realness, that I have seen both the Fake Razor Ramon and the Fake Diesel wrestle live. Beat that.
A couple things you need to know about me - My mentality when it comes to the squared circle is very old-school; not as old-school as say, Beau James, but I often long for the days when the Horsemen slamming Barry Windham’s hand into a car door would generate heat that Triple H fucking the dead corpse of Kane’s DUI victim could only dream of. Also, I have a tendency to still refer to Vince’s promotion as the WWF.
With that said, let’s jump into tonight’s Monday Night RAW, coming to you live from the Cajun Dome…
Our curtain-jerker for the evening pits Bobby Lashley against King Booker. Is it just me, or does Booker T have this look of “Please Kill Me Now” these days? Seriously, the man left his intensity in Houston or something. Maybe it’s the long-term effects of rocking a gimmick that’s stupid and unnecessary; maybe Charmel has been putting Seroquel in his mashed potatoes to keep him from doing Spinneroonies at the dinner table. I don’t know. But I do like Bobby Lashley; he has the size and charisma of a Brock Lesnar with some pretty decent mat wrestling ability, almost like Kurt Angle Lite. Lashley is also smart enough to keep himself basically off the microphone, given that he has the Tony Gwynn syndrom of the-voice-doesn't-match-the-man.
The match was cut short my Mr. Kennedy’s interference, with a nasty double-team on the former ECW champ. The melee is broken up by Jonathan Coachman, ordering the heels to lay off Lashley, because Kennedy and Booker will be facing Lashley and a partner of his choice in the main event of tonight’s RAW, providing Bobby can find a partner. I love that booking logic – with a roster of wrestlers backstage, where in the hell are you gonna find a tag team partner at this hour??
Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Santino Marella – I have little-to-no-use for Umaga (I know they need a “monster” heel, but he’s not your guy. I just don’t buy it. You want a monster, I would look toward the Great Khali…) and Santino Marella’s fan-in-the-crowd-becomes-IC-champ story brings back (bad) memories of Savio Vega. Well, Santino was here to exercise his rematch clause for the IC title. Luckily this match was only on my TV for a few minutes, with the Champ squashing Santino in the timely manner I like my Umaga matches to wrap up in.
Up next we have the tag-team action of Cade & Murdoch vs. the Highlanders. I didn’t think much of Cade & Murdoch when they debuted, to me it seemed like they were hired just so the WWF could have something resembling a tag team division, but those two have grown on me recently, especially with their “good sportsmanship” angle; that shit was just funny. Basic tag-team wrestling, once again, short and sweet with Cade & Murdoch getting the pinfall victory.
I was kinda disappointed to see Snitsky squash the living Juvi-Juice out of Super Crazy in the next contest, being that I think Super Crazy is a very under-utilized talent. Let the man simply be a great luchadore, quit trying to pair him with Divas to get people to like him. One of Vince’s faults (aside from cocaine-fueled booking at times) is his inability to let workers do what they do best in an attempt to get over. He always has a “better idea” it seems like. Like the Red Rooster.
At the top of the hour, we cut to a vignette from last week’s program, involving the “Legend-Killer” Randy Orton disrespecting none other than “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. Big Dust was backstage with his son Cody, probably dropping knowledge about going to “the pay window” or something equally wise, when Orton comes over to pick a fight. What killed me was how much Dusty Rhodes’ son didn’t look like Dusty. Frankly the kid had the look of a male model that didn’t get the Abercrombie job and was forced to push jeans for Structure or Hollister instead. I’m supposed to believe that one of Dusty’s offspring came out a Jeff County quarterback and the other one came out Goldust???? Anyway, as you might have seen last week, Orton gave a (surprisingly girly) slap to Dusty’s face, right in front of the son who proceeded to NOT whoop Orton’s ass.
Back in the Cajun Dome, the viewers at home are serenaded with the fabulous entrance music as The American Dream enters the ring…
He’s just a common man
Working hard with his hands
He’s just a common man
Working hard for the man…
Sapphire was unavailable for tonight’s RAW on the count of being dead.
Of course Dusty demands the Legend Killer come and face him in the ring, in order to chastise Orton on his lack of respect for his elders in the wrestling “bidness.” Inevitably, Orton ends up challenging Rhodes to a match at the Pay-Per-View he made famous, The Great American Bash. Dusty admits he isn’t in the best shape of his career (shocking), but agrees to the match on the condition that it also be the match he made famous…The Texas Bullrope Match!!! Which proceeded to confuse and puzzle the 21-or-under crowd who probably don’t know what the fuck a Bullrope match is? Hell, I watched one the other day on WWE 24/7 and I’m still not exactly sure what it is. After some good old-fashioned tough talk amongst the Legend and the Legend Killer, Cody Rhodes caps the promo off with a (not surprisingly girly) slap to Orton’s face.
Back to the ring, we see newcomer Paul London take on Shelton Benjamin in what ended up being some decent catch-as-catch-can wrestling. This was the first time I’d seen Paul London, and his wrestling attire was somewhere between a bi-curious Sabu and Al Snow when he was Avatar for about two weeks (crazy kudos to anyone who remembers that…) Jim Ross deserves respect for the heartfelt effort he puts into trying to get good mat wrestling over on television. “Folks, those arm-bar slams are just EFFECTIVE. Really effective.” London manages to impress me with a very nice Enziguri only to finish off Shelton Benjamin with a modified Hurracanrana (“You call that a Frankensteiner, Mike Tenay…”) into a pinning combo. This match was a nice surprise.
The Diva Tag Match featuring Candace Michelle & Mickie James taking on Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix. Luckily the WWF has forced their divas to actually learn some wrestling moves. As a man who had to sit through Alundra Blayze vs. Bull Nakano 100,000 times in the 90’s, I appreciate that the Women’s division has at least gotten watchable in recent years. There was even a Lou Thesz press broken out in this match. Still though, if you’ve seen one Diva’s match, you’ve seen ‘em all. Candace Michelle with the backslide for the pinfall victory. I do love me some Mickie James though….
We cut to two separate vignettes, one touting the return of Triple H to in-ring action (love him or hate him, and I do both at times, our sport is probably better with him than without him these days. He does at least stand for the old-school values of this “bidness.”), and the second vignette showing Bobby Lashley having a conversation backstage with road agent Arn Anderson. Jim Ross swears Anderson, a great tag-team wrestler in his own right, is giving him pointers on choosing a partner, but I could have sworn they were discussing Die Hard with a Vengeance.
Back in the ring Lord Steven Regal is getting ready to face The Sandman. Less than two minutes into the action, The Sandman (who I suspect had been drinking), starts swinging the Singapore cane at everyone within a 50-foot radius, earning William Regal a DQ victory.
Before our final match of the evening, John Cena is live via satellite hot off an appearance on Larry King Live this evening. Cena kept cracking a grin during his promo, and I think it was because he was genuinely gassed to be on Larry King. Anyway, this was your basic Cena promo, but what I found refreshing about it was Cena and Bobby Lashley (who will lock horns at The Great American Bash) seem to be feuding over…the title. What a novel concept. How long has it been since the title has been the focal point of a championship match?
Finally, onto the Main Event…
Booker T and Mr. Kennedy make their way to the ring, followed by Bobby Lashley. His surprise partner is…wait for it…Jeff Hardy. Huh? Not exactly what I expected. I won’t deny for a nano-second that the Hardy Boyz can wrestle their asses off, and have put themselves at great personal risk for the excitement of the fans. But Matt has a permanent look of I DON’T UNDERSTAND on his face, and Jeff is a flaming homo.
The match was once again, short and sweet. Good quality brawling, with Bobby Lashley hitting the spear for the pinfall on Mr. Kennedy.
So what does this all mean? Given the odds being totally stacked against them, with the Benoit debacle, the McMahon death debacle, the fact that frankly their roster is limited right now, with most of the veterans out of action (Michaels, RVD, etc), the WWE definitely had their work cut out for them to try and get things back on some sort of reasonable track. It will take time, love and tenderness, as a man name Bolton so wisely sang in the 80’s, but if they can put the focus back on good wrestling and storylines that actually make sense, things might just come back around.
I give tonight’s RAW 3.5 out of 5 Honky Tonk Man Hasbro Action Figures.
Till next time, Science Gone Mad…
That Other Site
Look at the countdown. I love it. Still not posting there, but I love the countdown.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
[Lucha Libre] Olaaay, olay olay olay ....
... Ciber, Ciber!
I'm almost convinced that Sexy Star just might be Stacy Keibler under a mask. Which I know isn't the case, but I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.
That's the funny thing about wrestling: I never realized how much I'd want to see a La Parka vs. Kenzo Suzuki match until today. But I think a one-on-one match in AAA would be about as foreign an object as a fistful of rolled-up quarters.
The Hell Brothers (AAA, 2007)
vs.
The Voodoo Murders (AJPW, 2006)
Zorro never should have lost the mask, as he looks like RA the Rugged Man. And not in a good way. And where's Gronda?
One reason that lucha libre is better than American wrestling: Fans who bring cremated remains to the shows.
Looking for some recommendations ...
Just some site jank ...
Anyone have any suggestions for how to condense that Travel Guide at the bottom of the blog? I thought I had some up with a good solution, since the dropdown menu wouldn't work on Firefox's browser; I put the links in tables, but once I started adding a few, the links started spacing out very strangely.
To answer a long-gone question, the "universal truths" didn't work with the banner-as-site-title, so I stored those on my profile. If I can figure out something to do with the links, I might put those back on the bottom of the blog.
And I for one am STOKED for the pending Palumbo RAW reviews. And any other Palumbo goodness that comes our humble way.
The SGM Super 30 Video Game Rundown
Here's YOUR Super 30 Video Game SummaryTM
30) Space Invaders
29) Fallout
28) WCW vs. NWO: World Tour
27) Tekken 3
26) Klax
25) Maniac Mansion
24) Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past (a/k/a Zelda 3)
23) FIFA 2006
22) X-Men
21) Sonic The Hedgehog 2
20) Tetris
19) NCAA Football 2006
18) Ratchet And Clank
17) Spy Hunter
16) Diablo
15) Metal Slug
14) Ghosts 'n' Goblins
13) Kung Fu Master
12) God Of War
11) Mortal Kombat II
10) Sonic The Hedgehog
9) Super Mario Bros.
8) Pac-Man
7) Contra
6) Madden 2006
5) WCW/NWO Revenge
4) Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
3) Street Fighter II
2) Pitfall
1) Galaga
Next stop: The SGM Power 15: Comic Book Madness ... coming soon(?)!
SGM Super 30: Video Game #1
Galaga
Arguably the greatest shooter ever. Not a bad game for a sequel to the much-inferior "Galaxian," which is basically a "Space Invaders" clone anyway.
The premise: Aliens invade in a convenient gridlike pattern, occasionally firing missles and swooping in to destroy your fighter. The flagship - the Galaga - has the unique ability to capture your fighter in a tractor beam. This costs you a life, and turns your fighter against your next turn ... but if you free your fighter (possible only by shooting the Galaga that guards it, while in flight), you then have double the firepower as your previously captured fighter joins you side by side.
Galaga takes solid shooter fundamentals and improves on each one. One cool aspect of the game, which opens the door for bragging rights a little wider than just high score, is the hit-miss ratio. Highest I've ever managed to get was in the 82% range.
And trust me, ain't nothing sexier than a girl that can kick ass at Galaga. It's a litmus test of hotness.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #2
Pitfall
Pitfall Walkthrough! An SGM Exclusive!
Go left.
(Ah ... an oldie, but a goodie.)
All platform games should bow down and kiss Pitfall Harry's ass. Sad thing is, with maybe one exception - Pitfall II: The Lost Caverns - every attempt to expand or update on such a simple game has proven grossly inefficient.
A joystick and one button is all you need to play this surprisingly complex and engrossing game. You don't shoot, leap barrels, or punch bad guys ... all you do is jump. Jump over snakes. Jump over scorpions. Jump over fire. Jump onto alligators (or crocodiles, pick your poison). Jump to snatch vines and swing over tarpits. Jump rolling logs. Jump over holes in the ground. You name it, you jump it.
According to some internet research (which consisted of more than just going to Wikipedia), there are originally thirty-two treasures to capture in "Pitfall."
The original "Pitfall" shows up as a mini-game in "Marvel Ultimate Alliance" (in Arcade's Murderworld).
One of my favorite "Pitfall"-inspired running & jumping man games was "Jumpman," a Commodore 64 game that was just a very complex "Pitfall" run-jump-collect game, but with stages and a definite ending. Check that out.
But yeah, Pitfall rules.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #3
Street Fighter II
This game was easily the template for every 2D fighter made afterward, and the measuring stick - in my opinion - by which every fighter from now on should be measured.
The layout of having eight fighters to choose from - Ryu, Ken, Blanka, Guile, E. Honda (Piston's cousin), Chun Li, Zangief, and Dhalsim - was easy enough. The game had three additional fighters, in the form of the four bosses - Balrog, Vega, Sagat and M. Bison. M. Bison was originally supposed to be the name of the boxer boss, and Balrog was the "boss of bosses." At this writing, I don't know why the switch was made (but I'm sure that Wikipedia has some info on this ... or at least someone might have made something up).
If you were to ask me, as well as some of my high school cronies, this game is (lossely) based on the Jean-Claude Van Damme film, "Bloodsport." There's a sumo fighter, a weird African fighter that moves like Dhalsim, a burly musclehead (Zangief), and a few more. Sadly, no Blanka counterpart, but that would have made the film, y'know, a little weird.
My favorite character of use: E. Honda. The flying headbutt & "hundred hand slap" felled many opponent back in the days of pushing groceries at the Newport Food City. One simple combo I'd use to detract a whole lotta energy from an opponent was to use a jumping medium kick (a belly splash), then either the "hundred hand slap" or try a sumo throw (medium punch, but in throwing range ... almost always happened by chance). If I had an opponent dazed, I'd add some insult to injury with a jumping strong punch (an open hand slap). If the opponent was low enough in their energy, a jumping weak kick (a butt splash) would seal the deal. Remembering all of this, I think what appealed to me about Street Fighter II was how the game allowed a player to develop finesse and flashes of style with their fighter of choice.
One of my favorite arcade memories was going to East Towne Mall in Knoxville and running the Street Fighter II machine at Aladdin's Castle for easily an hour. Playing the game, I attracted a crowd - perhaps because no one had really made it all the way through much of the game on one quarter. Finally, one or two players got the moxie up to pop in a quarter and challenge me. I beat the first player, then the second player ... pretty soon there was a line of players, just wanting to challenge me. And when I say a line, I mean, between rounds, I turned around to stretch and the line was out the front double-doors to the main part of the mall. After everyone was tired of getting bitch-slapped and sat on, "hundred hand slapped" and flying headbutted, I was left to play the game through, and after almost getting stomped in the third round by M. Bison, beat the game. I had beat the game several times up to that point, but it was something about that win that will stick out in my mind for a long time.
This is one of my favorite games; when it came out on the Capcom Classics Collection for PS2, I grabbed that game on the first day of release and beat it again, just for old time's sake. Yep, me and Street Fighter II, we share some deep rooted brotherly love.
Friday, July 06, 2007
On Celebrity Culture (Again)
Irony can be truly delicious.
Barring a cosmic radiation storm that makes the average intelligence on earth increase 10-fold, publicity will always be America's most omnipresent industry. Every day, a press release or two are written and make it to CNN, therefore becoming mainstream stories that clog up the internet. Perhaps once a week, there may be something worth reading.
Today's installment of this deals with Britney Spears, who issued what CNN.com called a bizarre apology. When one clicks on the link, one finds a story where America's Sweetheart attacked a photographer's car with the umbrella. Her excuse, though, is where one finds the inadvertant comedy.
"I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said. "I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally."
After witnessing the picture of Britney on the website, one could argue that she has prepared her character for too many rolls over the past few months, particularly the kind that are dipped in garlic butter. But it goes on...
"I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part."
She did, however, evidently get her part and then some at Sbarro, IHOP, and the House of Hunan.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Another example of people not thinking things through
Saw a commercial for this during "King of the Hill" ...
"Nads will help to keep your skin smooth."
There are two sections - "Nads for Women" and "Nads for Men."
This was a company founded in 1992, and I know I've heard and said "nads" since at least 6th grade sex ed. What was these bitches thinking?
SGM Super 30: Video Game #4
Mike Tyson's Punch Out!
One, Mathematics is the language of nature. Two, Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. Three: If you graph the numbers of any system, patterns emerge. Therefore, there are patterns everywhere in nature. - "Pi" (1998)
I loved this game! This game and Ring King rank right up there with some of the best boxing games ever created. The key to victory is recognizing the patterns inherent in each fighter's unique style: Piston Honda wiggles his eyebrows before a jab; Great Tiger's turban jewel shines before he punches; Soda Popinski shuffles his feet before throwing his straight right, and so on.
Funny, that the game's protagonist - Little Mac - had such a limited array of punches available to him, and yet he was able to fight his way into this sport, where his opponents were consistently at leat 1.5 times his size. At best, Mac could throw uppercuts (but only a maximum of 3 at any time, earned by his skillful punching). How was that supposed to work exactly? Doc Louis must have been a hell of a trainer, 'cause if it were real life, Mac would have had to have some serious mob ties to make it to the championship.
Mike Tyson was removed from the game's licensing campaign shortly after the game hit the market. Contrary to popular belief, this was not due to his rape conviction; it was in fact due to a contract dispute, as well as his humiliating loss to Buster Douglas. Afterward, Mike Tyson became "Mr. Dream," who was basically Tyson with a different CG skin.
My favorite fighter? It's a toss-up. I always like Piston Honda; I fancied him a relative of Street Fighter II's E. Honda. But my favorite boxer to fight was Great Tiger, because I found a strategy to rack up on uppercuts that I don't think many people were hip to: When the jewel on his turban would light up, throw a punch to his head, and you'd get the star.
In light of the popularity of this game, why didn't they have a game like "Rocky" on PS2, where you could pick any boxer to play - Glass Joe, Von Kaiser, Piston Honda, Don Flamenco, Great Tiger, King Hippo, Bald Bull, Soda Popinski, The Sandman, Tyson/Dream, or Super Macho Man, or even Little Mac and his trainer Doc Louis, and Referee Mario thrown in for good measure? Hell, I'd have even tried to take Glass Joe through a career mode, if that game were to happen. But I guess we're supposed to be content with "Ready to Rumble" and crap like that.
Oh, Little Mac, where are you when we need you most?
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #5
WCW/NWO Revenge
Ah, yeah, this one is the shit. Of all the AKI wrestling games, I still have the warmest spot in my heart for Revenge. I guess it's the pioneering aspect of the game, as it was the game that pulled everything that was good about a grappling engine and made it a comprehensive experience. Plus, having some of the best wrestling names and characters associated with it didn't hurt none either.
I have a belief that a wrestling game is as strong as what they allow you to do with the characters. Ex. Why can't you use the Great Khali in career mode in "Smackdown vs. Raw 2007?" Anyway, a quick review of the champions that I used, last time I played the game? Curt Hennig as the World champion, Psicosis as the US champion, Scott Norton as the TV champion, Ultimo Dragon as the Cruiserweight champion (and he's held that title ever since I firt bought the game), and Raven & Randy Savage as the tag champs. Ah, the good old days.
Bottom line on this game, over the other AKI wrestling game: When I first bought this, I played this from about 6:00 PM to noon the next day. I never played the WWF games for that duration.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Games edition update
It's down to the final five. Starting on the 4th, I'm putting the final games up, one a day ... at least that's the plan for right now. 'Cause I've had so much going on with work, and it's about time to put this one to bed. From now on, we'll have the SGM Power 15 to look forward to.
See, now that's how you do a countdown ...
SGM Super 30: Video Game #6
Madden 2006
I have never played a Madden game. But, I still got some opinions, here.
Rev. Joshua:
played a lot on the Madden franchise on Sega Genesis, back when Sega was the undisputed home of sports video games. With the more recent systems I've been more of a fan of college football, although that mirrors my personal interests more than any changes about the games. The main criticism about sports games tends to be the roster update aspect, but EA usually adds a few enhancements to the gameplay from year to year that makes that criticism somewhat lacking.
Ron:
The John Madden franchise of American football video games is, simply put, the most successful sports video game franchise in history. Back in the Super Nintendo/Sega Genesis daysSomeone at Electronic Arts had the foresight to sign Madden, and use NFL teams, logos, and player names. The realism gave the titles a bit more than the standard football games like Tecmo Bowl (or any sports game for that matter). As technology changed, game developers worked to add more realism and continually update the gameplay. This has kept gamers loyal to Madden for nearly two decades.
The premise is simple. You are the coach of an NFL team. You call plays, you control players, and you manage your franchise to the Super Bowl. The game also includes a number of unlockable features, such as historical teams and "stat boosts" to give your team the edge in head-to-head competition. This increases the replay factor and keeps gamers happy until next year's edition comes out. The addition of online features keeps the rosters updated, which is a very nice feature.
Madden, it should be noted, is also the John D. Rockefeller of sports titles. A few years ago, a series of games was released under the ESPN logo. Their NFL game, surprisingly, had a much better style of gameplay than Madden. The passing engine allowed for more freedom of audibles and more control over the ball speed and targets. Rather than face the competition, Madden struck a deal with the NFL Players Association to be the exclusive home of roster updates. Remember that realism in the first paragraph? Yeah, its still important.
Madden has become a cultural phenomenon. Last year, MTV ran a pretty crappy TV show (which goes without saying) where people rode around in a bus playing Madden. You also have the whole Madden curse deal where, supposedly, the player who appears on the box cover has a terrible season. This is proven with the example of Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick. The superstar quarterback of the Falcons looked to be on top of the world until he made it to the Madden cover for the 2004 edition. Shortly thereafter, Vick began treatment for herpes at a clinic under the name "Ron Mexico." Mexico went from being a dominant quarterback to an also-ran. Reports are unclear, but it is possible that the Madden curse could have driven Mexico to pursuing the illegal hobby of dogfighting.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #7
Contra
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start ... 4 Life, bitches.
And, from what I remembered from the NES days, brother would fight brother for the Spread gun.
SGM Super 30: Video Game #8
Pac-Man
Name another game that inspired a rock single that reached gold status. Or a New York Times best-selling book that merely explored the secrets of defeating the game.
A popular myth has it that the designers of the game came up with the idea while eating a meal at a pizzeria; they saw, in a cheese pizza with some slices removed, the character that would inspire one of the most successful videogames ever.
Me, I'm more of a fan of Ms. Pac-Man, more for the moving fruit, changing mazes, and cutscenes between stages. Which I'm sure, in video game speak, probably makes me a fag.
[Lucha Libre] I submit ...
... that the best thing that ever came out of Marilyn Manson's sphere of influence was Charly Manson.
You know what would make my day?
Jake Palumbo reviews Monday Night Raw, exclusively for SGM.
Would that be possible?
7/11 brings the Simpsons love
Found this through the wonders of online advertising.
7-11 is now offering Simpson-inspired products in their stores, for a limited time.
These include:
1. Homer's official sprinkalicious donut (that pink-icing monstrosity that he appears to eat almost non-stop at his workplace);
2. A blue-vanilla "Squishee" (which is the Simpsons version of the 7-11 Slurpee);
3. Buzz Cola
4. Krusty O's
Obviously, they overlooked (accidentally or on purpose) their potential biggest cash cow, and that's Duff Beer.
7-11 is meeting the Simpsons brand halfway and hiring their own "Apu" themed staff. Well, those stores that haven't already hired their own "Apu."
