Who the hell else was born tomorrow? (Besides someone else's spouse on this fine forum ...)
1865 - Rudyard Kipling: Wrote the "Jungle Book," although he did not write "The Bare Necessities." Thusly, he is less important for this fact.
1928 - Bo Diddley: Blues great. Can't complain.
1935 - Sandy Koufax: Jewish baseball player who wouldn't play on Yom Kippur, which is a cop-out, considering all those Christian ball players who played games on Sundays.
1942 - Mike Nesmith: The tall Monkee.
1945 - Davey Jones: The short Monkee, and it sucks that 50% of the Monkees were born on my birthday. There's gotta be some way to balance that out ...
1957 - Matt Lauer: Matt motherfunkin' Lauer, ruler & overlord of "Dateline NBC!"
Edit: Nope, that's Stone Phillips, born December 2, 1954. Infinitely cooler than Lauer. Why couldn't Stone's momma hold him in for 28 more days? Lazy bitch.
1959 - Tracy Ullman: Heh, and her big legacy is that her shitty sketch comedy is only known for being the launching pad of the "Simpsons." Go home!
1961 - Ben Johnson: Steroids, what?
1965 - Heidi Fleiss: Hookers, what?
1967 - Carl Oulett: Hardly the only professional wrestler to be born on this day ... of course, that only includes Bill Kazmeier and, to a very limited extent, A.J. Pierzynski.
1973 - Nacho Vidal: Spanish born porn actor. That starts making up for the Monkees, actually.
1975 - Tiger Woods: Was traded to China a few years back in the Racial Draft. Konichiwa, bitches.
1977 - Laila Ali: Muhammad's daughter, who, like pops, boxes. I'm highly disappointed that not one of her fights has included hair-pull snapmares.
1977 - Kenyon Martin: Played for the Nets during that one time that they were the closest they'll probably ever get to the NBA title.
1980 - Eliza Dushku: A very accomplished actress, classically trained, and has been featured in some high quality cinematic fare, the likes of "Soul Survivors," "Bring It On," "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back," "Wrong Turn," and some show with a character named Buffy. The only thing I find remotely interesting is how quickly all of the titles of films she's starred in can be converted into porn film titles.
1981 - Haley Paige: Ah, speaking of porn, here's an actress in the esteemed field. A dead one, at that, as of September 2007. Dead comedians, dead wrestlers, and dead pornstars ... the world keeps turning.
1984 - Lebron James: Man, if only he played as well as the hype machine would have you believe, he'd have a title for every damn year he's been playing.
Oh, yeah, and Saddam Hussein died on my birthday in 2006; it took long enough for something of contemporary importances occurred on my birtday during my lifetime. This must be how kids born on September 11, 2001 will feel when they're older.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Here, on the eve of my birthday ....
Friday, December 28, 2007
Shower thoughts
If authorities are investigating a crime and find evidence that clears a person who's been wrongly imprisoned - BUUUT the evidence points to a person who's already been tried & found not guilty of the same crime - do they still press for the wrongfully incarcerated person to be released? Providing "double jeopardy" is still in effect?
Speaking of double jeopardy, I remember when that film came out, the commercials for it had that scene where Ashley "Bageyes" Judd tells her husband, "I could shoot you in the middle of Mardi Gras and no one would convict me," as she had already done time for killing her husband (she was framed). My first thoughts were, "No, maybe not for killing your husband, but for firing a gun in a populated area, unlawful possession of a handgun by an ex-felon, probably a parole violation ... but most certainly NOT the murder of your husband." Shitty, shitty movie, for which I'd only recommend watching it if you need help understanding the preceding statements made in this paragraph.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Quotes of the Year
Two stories that made headlines here at SGM provided the top two quotes of 2007, according to the editor of the Yale Book of Quotations.
"Don't tase me, bro," the Arthur-esque battle cry of University of Florida student Andrew Meyer topped the list, followed by the incoherent, ill-educated ranting of Miss Teen USA contestant and future stripper Lauren Upton. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to [locate the U.S. on a map] because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us," Upton shat from her mouth before burping up the semen of several pageant officials, football players, and unidentified hobos.
Third was Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's statement from an October speech at Columbia University, "in Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country," which was either a lie or he left out the part about how all the Iranian homosexuals were stoned to death. Decrepit radio lack-of-personality Don Imus' came in fourth with his "nappy headed hoes" comment about the Rutgers University women's basketball team; the comment forced Imus to leave CBS Radio and take a short vacation before returning to the airwaves on ABC Radio. Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez came in fifth with "I do not recall," a phrase he uttered repeatedly during a Congressional investigation into exactly how badly the Department of Justice fucked seven United States Attorneys fired in an incident that should be considered as infamous as President Richard Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre. Fortunately for the Bush Administration, America does not recall.
The rest of the list:
6. "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." - Senator Jospeh Biden (D-DE) gets a snappy shot at Rudy Guiliani's jingoism and fearmongering on the presidential campaign trail.
7. "I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody (Vice President Dick Cheney) who has a 9 percent approval rating." — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV), a very charitable man who spotted Cheney 8 percentage points in order to avoid totally embarrassing the soulless bastard.
8. "(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom." — Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) didn't mention the raging urge for hot gay man-on-man sex he has when going to the bathroom. And the park. Anywhere he goes at all, really.
9. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." — Sen. Biden makes the list again with a comment far more racist than that of Don Imus' fourth-place comment. There may be a context that I'm missing here, but from what I can see the only different between this and "nigger" is the number of letters involved.
10. "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." — And finally, former President Jimmy Carter says what everyone else is thinking in an interview in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper. To clarify, if that isn't what comes to mind when you think of the Bush Administration, you're doing it wrong.
From the MSNBC.com story:"These new media are spreading these things," said editor Fred R. Shapiro, 53, associate librarian and lecturer in legal research at the Yale Law School. "I'm not listing the most admirable quotes, the most eloquent quotes. It's the most memorable quotes...It's not Shakespeare, but there is a kind of folk eloquence in that. It wouldn't be a quote if he didn't say 'bro,'" Shapiro said. "That had just the right rhythm to make it memorable...My book does mix the most eloquent and magnificent quotes with the sordid and sleazy materials from recent times. There are some real jarring juxtapositions there," he said. "I wanted to include the whole culture — the high and the low, the old and the new."
It doesn't matter how many people repeat this garbage, it's still garbage, most of it shouldn't have been written down in the first place, and the best thing we could do for future generations is forget anyone said it. Thanks, Yale!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas, amigos!
Here's hoping everyone's doing well.
I saw something last night that was funny. I think it was on CNN, it was "What Would Jesus Really Do?" where pundits state emphatically what Jesus would think about important political issue.
I can only say that it was offensive to Christians, and probably Muslims, atheists, agnostics, and people who worship that flying spaghetti thing that apparently is some kind of big deal.
Love the Christmas banner. Alright, back to eat! Peace out! See ya'll on the 30th, when ya'll bring me my birthday presents.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Just so you all know what I'm going through on the job market
Here is an example of a horror story.
http://chronicle.com/jobs/news/2007/12/2007121301c/careers.html
Thursday, December 20, 2007
You wanna talk about a partnership forged by Satan????
That will likely result in gigantic profits?
So I'm reading the monthly newsletter from TuneCore, my digital distributor, and it was discussing big-name artists using back-door ways to move big numbers in a CD-sale recession.
This might be old news, but it is news to me.
The Eagles entered into a partnership that made Long Road Out of Eden available exclusively at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart basically became the Eagles’ private record retailer…
Wal-Mart + The Eagles / Satan = The Apocalypse
I'm not pasting in any article, if you wanna know the details you're all internet-savvy kids. Figure it out and get back to me.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Caution: The Cosmos Are Rebelling Against Us
""What we've identified is an act of violence by a black hole, with an unfortunate nearby galaxy in the line of fire," said Dan Evans, the study leader at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics in Cambridge." [more]
This would be a lot cooler if it resulted in people who fly, climb walls, run at extreme speeds or turn green when they're pissed.
Yeah, so I'm immature
So I'm in Kingsport at Books-A-Million...
enjoying the arrival of the Model City into the 1990s, and I see a guy who was used to chaperon band trips when I was in high school. He was named "Fred Smith" and his son was named "Freddie Smith." When some kids asked him who was the real "Fred Smith," he said "I'm the Real Deal Fred Smith." This was in the days a bit before Evander Holyfield, so this was kind of funny. So from that point on anytime we saw him we derisively yelled "The Real Deal Fred Smith."
About 18 years later, The Real Deal Fred Smith just walked through the coffee shop at Books-A-Million. Naturally, I said rather loudly, "The Real Deal!" The man jumped about a foot in the air and just looked at me.....and then moved on.
That IS Good News!
Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Britney Spears is the best (or worst, depending on your viewpoint) celebrity trainwreck ever and now her 16-year old sister is pregnant by a dude she met in church. It's possible that this may be a hoax perpetrated by religious organizations to improve church attendance numbers. I would have went to church if I thought there was an outside chance I could put a baby in Jamie Lynn Spears.
In related news, Lynne Spears, accomplished mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, has indefinitely delayed her upcoming parenting book.Publishers Marketplace describes the book as "Lynne Spears's personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community."
I'd expect the book's release date will be moved back to the predictable and always-appropriate "23rd of Never," but if they decide to go ahead and waste resources on this, I've got a title for them (free of charge, natch):
When White Meets Trash and Finds a Roadmap to Hollywood
Alternately, they could revolutionize the self-help industry with the first ever How-Not-To book. Just add "don't" to the beginning of every sentence.
They say money doesn't buy happiness. I guess money can't buy dignity, restraint, common sense, or birth control, either.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Quotes to live by, 12/18/07
"Being intelligent, not always recreational, yields a result that satisfies." - Ferdinand Lammertink
Monday, December 17, 2007
Totally random realization of the day
Well, SGM has suddenly returned from being blocked, however these rat bastards have blocked Gmail chat. Interacting with other (non-Yiddish speaking) humans was one of the highlights of my (currently 13-hour) workday. I've always disliked the iron fist that employers use to keep you miserable while working; although I do understand most people can't do what I do, finish my work quickly and accurately while simultaneously surfing the internet.
When I was in 1st Grade, I was tested at the recommendation of a teacher, and the State of TN Board of Ed declared me "gifted", and continued to re-evaluate me every 3 years until my graduation. Now while being gifted never netted me anything more than bragging rights (and occasional teasing from rednecks), it did officially classify me as "handicapped" per the language in Board of Ed doctrine. Gifted students are classified as handicapped because, like tards and people with real handicaps, they have special needs and cannot thrive in a learning enviornment designed for average students. I REALLY wish this same principle could be translated to the workplace, too.
It's not that I object to going to work, working, doing mundane tasks that I don't care about, etc. These all suck royally, I do agree, but I also like living in New York and eating food, so it's an equal trade-off. What kills me to the depths of my bi-polar soul is the amount of my precious, non-refundable time that I'm giving away to someone and something I don't give two shits about. Living an exciting, full life is way more important than making money and it hurts to give my beloved hours away like that. This however can be offset if I'm able to use some of my workday to pursue something I DO care about - in this case, having use of the internet so I can promote my music, enrich my knowledge through Wikipedia, try to holler at pussy, etc. Otherwise you have an un-stimulating, stressful day that leaves you tired and burnt out; stringing too many of those days together leaves you in a condition that I'm far too mentally unstable to handle in the long run.
I wish some sort of allowance could be made in the workplace for the people who somehow display themselves as being a cut above the rest, regardless if they have some "gifted" label or not. Let the kid have his GChat back; he'll still work circles around the rest of you.
Anyway, before I began this rant I was thinking about TNA Wrestling and how despite the fact they have a solid roster, national TV exposure and an emphasis on wrestling vice storylines (which I've been lobbying for), I hardly ever check for them. And I tried to figure out why. And I've determined I don't watch TNA for the same reason I don't use Mozilla Firefox.
Despite the fact I've always had views and tastes that were "counterculture" or even "underground", I've also had a real stubborn-ness when it comes to things that are popular because they offer an alternative to corporate giants. It's like rebellion in reverse. When I was a punk rocker, I got so goddamn sick of hearing about the DIY ethic and lambasting "sellouts" that I used to antagonize punkers whenever possible by talking about how great major labels were, that MAXIMUMROCKNROLL was stupid, and how I couldn't wait to sell out. I have a similar problem as a hip-hopper; after listening to indie nerds rhyme a bunch of big words that don't make any fucking sense, I find myself wanting to hear about head-bussin', rims, money, etc.(Master P and Project Pat are two artists I like to pull out in those cases)
In this vein, I've listened to many an internet wrestling geek (not SGM contributors, we're cool, sharp people) piss and moan about how superior TNA is, and many an IT guy at my job talk about Mozilla Firefox like it finally got them laid after 35 years. And it gets on my nerves.
So despite the fact that both TNA Wrestling and Mozilla Firefox are fine products that deserve their large and growing audience, my character flaws will probably prevent me from becoming a regular customer, cause subconciously I feel like I'm EXPECTED to prefer them, because they're competetion to evil corporate entities. So I'll likely continue with internet browsers that crash and illegitimate midget children because I'm subconciously stubborn.
Today's psycho-analysis of Jake Palumbo was brought to you by DigiCombos, at a less-than-competetive wage.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Science Gone Mad Holiday Gift Guide
(‘cause sometimes, you don’t know what to get them bitches)
Introduction: We’re nearing Christmas, ya’ll. That means, in a few short days, we’ll be upon the busiest shopping day of the year. What, you thought it was that “Black Friday,” day after Thanksgiving bullshit? Hell nah, that’s playground shit compared to Christmas Eve; the number of people who put off getting gifts until the last possible minute is amazing.
Well, thank SGM for your holiday hookup. You know, seriously, we ain’t listing any stupid ass “Christmas sweater” bullshit here, either. What we have painstakingly put together is a list of gifts that are suitable for men, women, children, old, young, black, white or Samoan. Now, granted, it’s pretty damn near the Zero Hour, so realize the price categories below don’t reflect whatever taxes are all up in your area, plus whatever shipping and handling charges may apply – hint: you might wanna consider overnight, at this point, holmes – but hey, we did the leg work for you; all you gotta do is click and order. Or go to Wal-Mart; I hear they have tons of shit for sale these days.
$1-10:
• Boneyard (comic): This series by Richard Moore tells the story of Michael Paris, who inherits a cemetery from his late grandfather’s estate. What he finds is one hot vampire chick, demons and zombies galore, and an enemy far greater than the devil himself – the IRS! Get it for: Adolescents into those little Japanese books, adults who call ‘em “graphic novels” instead of comic books; chicks, who’ll dig the drama (disclaimer: SGM makes no promises that this gift may get you laid).
• Green Lantern Hal Jordan Plastic Bust Bank: Resin bank for storing money, featuring (arguably) perennial favorite GL, Hal Jordan. Get it for: Penny pinching broke asses with a comic book slant; retro-minded family & friends; little kids who still have to take out the garbage for allowance.
• Phase 10 (card game): A card game that caters to 2-6 players; similar to rummy, but can get addictive as hell. Get it for: That young couple that don’t want to have kids but still fuck indiscriminately.
• “Dead Street” by Mickey Spillane: The final piece of literary work by Mickey Spillane before he up and died. Get it for: Your dad
• The Complete Superman Cartoons – Diamond Anniversary Edition (DVD): The original Fleischer cartoons, in that noir-deco style that influenced later cartoons like “Batman: The Animated Series.” Get it for: Children; baby-boomer adults.
$11-20:
• Marvel Zombies Minimates (set of 5): Lil’ toy zombified versions of Captain America, Hulk, Spider-Man, Luke Cage, and Wolverine; from the comic series of the same name. Get it for: Horror movie fans; newer comic book fans; toy collectors.
• God Of War II CD: A collection of the music from the best-selling PS2 video game. Get it for: Hardcore gamers; fans of soundtrack or epic orchestral music.
• Pro Wrestling Guerilla Grab Bag (3 DVDs): Courtesy of Highspots.com, you can now get your choice of 3 PWG dvds for $20. PWG is the premiere left coast indy promotion. Get it for: Discriminating wrestling fans whose tastes can extend beyond WWF and TNA.
• Subscription to “Mass Appeal” magazine: Six issues per year; features include discussions on everything from rap music to video games to graffiti artists; if nothing else, you need it for RA the Rugged Man’s movie column. Get it for: Hip hop heads; your wigger cousin.
• Zoo Tycoon: Complete Collection (PC game): Incl. the original Zoo Tycoon, as well as two expansion packs – Dinosaur Digs & Marine Mania; also throws in exclusive endangered species add-ons. Get it for: Children to teens; casual gamers who may not venture too often into PC gaming territory.
$21-30:
• Lost Cities (board game): Two players explore archaeology’s fabled cities for fame and fortune. Get it for: Board game lovers who are tired of trivia games, kids’ games, and Monopoly; adventure gamers; video game heads that need to get from in front of the TV/ computer for half an hour.
• Transformers Soundwave bust: Tell me that Soundwave wasn’t the shit; go ahead, so I can call you a liar. Get it for: Animation fans; children of the ‘80s, who remember when cartoons were thirty minute toy commercials & weren’t supposed to teach you shit; people who think that “Transformers” movie was the bee’s knees.
• King of the Hill Season 1-6: One season costs about $25; for that, you get some of the most down-to-earth, well-developed storylines, humor, and in some cases better characterization than you get in some live-action shows. Get it for: Fans of more mature themed animation (like “Futurama” or “Family Guy,” not that Japanese tentacle rape shit); fans of “Office Space”
• “Shock! Horror! Astounding Artwork From the Video Nasty Era” by Harvey Fenton: This book has a hardcover like those movie adaptation books I used to order through those school book clubs back in third grade. It’s more of an art book for fans of sleazy horror & exploitation films. Get it for: Those who grew up in the ‘80s, during the videotape era, who probably saw (if not rented) a good number of these classic films; people for whom horror movies begin and end with “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th,” and “Nightmare on Elm Street.”
• “Sailboat in the Afternoon” (art poster): A very tranquil, serene print of an exquisite painting; yeah, I said “exquisite,” what you gonna say about it? Get it for: Vaginas; aficionados of oriental culture, or even just culture in general.
$31-40:
• American Werewolf in London Mini Bust: This resin bust commemorates one of the best werewolf transformations in cinema history, framed by the “pentangle” (sic) in the bar scene. Get it for: Fans of werewolf lore, the supernatural, horror films; collectors of table art, conversation pieces, or comic book/ film memorabilia.
• Sony DRU170C Retail DVD/CD Burner: Inexpensive upgrade to your standard CD or DVD-writable drive; serves both purposes for CD and DVD writing. Get it for: That motherfucker whose birthday’s coming up, and he’s still rocking a 2000 desktop computer (I’ll … I mean, he’ll appreciate it.)
• WWF Royal Rumble DVD box set volumes: Volumes 1 & 2 capture some of the more enjoyable cards from WWF’s history. Relive Austin’s one-man elimination show in 1997, Shawn Michaels’ inspirational crap from 1996, Demolition Smash and Ax starting out as #’s 1 & 2 and beating the shit out of each other for 90 seconds, and Ric Flair’s first WWF title victory. Get it for: Today’s wrestling fan, who’s too smart for his own damn good; people who have forgotten how fun wrestling can be.
• “A Critical History & Filmography of Toho’s Godzilla Series” by David Kalat: Pretty self-explanatory, but this is a McFarland reference book, so you can expect a more detailed exposition of what might first appear to be throwaway films, but have more subtle subtexts than you’d expect. Get it for: Kaiju fans who want a more refreshing look at the genre than the thousandth “Godzilla as representative of the souls lost at Hiroshima” analysis.
• La Parka commercial wrestling mask: A fairly sturdy replica mask of the popular WCW/TNA/AAA star. Get it for: Lucha libre fans; WCW fans that just can’t let it go; that couple that wants to experiment in the bedroom, but doesn’t want to break out handcuffs and Sybians just yet.
$41-50:
• Doo Wop Box (CD box set): Four disc set of classic doo wop & soul music, released from retrokings Rhino Records. Get it for: People who listen to rap music and seek out the samples to hear the full songs; people who fuck while listening to old school R&B; your grandparent of choice.
• Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker: Makes ice cream; ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. Get it for: That relative that hosts the summer BBQ.
• Fat Albert Animation Cel: Several scenes available, incl. a very sharp cel featuring the Brown Hornet. Get it for: Those who remember when Saturday was good for cartoons, instead of this “Dora the Explorer,” “My Gym Partner’s a Monkey” shit; Will
• Kagan McLeod – 8 Immortals Character Sketches: Features the character sketches that McLeod did for his book “Infinite Kung Fu,” a collection of which will be out from Top Shelf Comix in 2008. Get it for: Fans of pop art, as well as original comic book sketches and art; art lovers who appreciate the almost expressionistic style of kinetic art that some comic artists can pull off.
• UFC fighting gloves: Segmented palm/ open finger gloves, which make for better grappling with increased digit joint protection and flexibility. Get it for: UFC, MMA, Pride, K-1, or boxing fans: people who think they’re a lot more badass than they really are.
$$$ ain’t no object (up to $200):
• The Avengers – The Emma Peel Megaset (DVD): Diana Rigg was hot shit in her leather get-ups; I’m not one for British spy drama, but damn, this stuff represents the best of early popular spy fiction. Get it for: James Bond fans; those who don’t get some of the jokes in “Austin Powers” movies; fans of contemporary spy shows.
• 9 Ring Wu Tang Combat Steel Sabre: A cut of Shaolin weaponry, a nonbendable Wu Tang saber with nine metal rings embedded into the blade’s blunt edge. Get it for: People with an extensive kung fu film collection.
• Hawthorne Scary Movie Halloween Villages: Miniature replicas of the Crystal Lake Cabin from “Friday the 13th,” 842 Elm Street from “Nightmare on Elm Street,” and the Hewitt House from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Get it for: Your horror film lovers who are sick of the same old poster/ dvd/ online gift card purchases, but you can’t afford authentic or replica movie props.
• Brunswick Globe Bowling Ball: A Brunswick professional bowling ball, with a scale representation of the Earth’s surface on it. Get it for: The relative with a God complex or who’s too narcissistic for their own good; alternately, the relative with a Napoleon complex (you win, either way).
• Trumpet: A traditional b-flat brass trumpet. Get it for: A jazz lover; that person who wants to pick up a new hobby or skill; the spouse/ significant other that can’t eat pussy for shit (this’ll learn ‘im).
• NBA Customized Replica Jersey: Know their favorite team, and get them their name and day of birth on a home jersey, or get them a jersey of support for their favorite non-all-star player (Pistons, #22 Tayshaun Prince, for example). Get it for: Well, a basketball fan; a baller who thinks his game’s all that.
What, are you rich?
• Dissecting microscope: NOT the microscope that requires slides (that’s a compound microscope); this is the one that requires a decent light source, and magnifies items for fine detail, not cellular aspect ratios. Get it for: Nerds; college students; fans of CSI-type shows.
• Ableton Live 7: This DJ/ audio editing equipment beats the hell out of that free Audacity stuff, I'm sure. Get this for: Producer wannabes; producer gonna-bes.
Alright, we hooked you up. When your family & loved ones are thanking you for being so thoughtful, you know how SGM does it. Feliz navidad, yo.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Fire Pro Wrestling Returns on PS2!!!
Open forum for discussion & suggestions.
I'm in the market to create a whole new stable/organization of created wrestlers. I'm trying to come up with a healthy clutch of wrestlers, MMA, rappers, superheroes or totally created fictitious characters. Really, just whatever.
I've already decided that I'm going to make Kimbo Slice ... ooh, they got a Kamala skin in here, that's a given ... And before anyone asks, I'm making a Bart Bjork (a renamed character in the fine tradition of Fire Pro).
So, any suggestions?
One bizarre news headline, courtesy of MSN
"Will [Michael] Vick play football in prison? Maybe, but not against guards."
And I say, as journalism slides further down the spiral, "what the fuck?" (Mind you, that's the MSN headline; the Slate headline is slightly different ... but not much less bizarre.)
Friday, December 14, 2007
Toby Keith - "High Maintenance Woman"
I have heard the musical equivalent of the Apokalypse.
I've never been one to stomach recent country music ... hell, up until recently, I couldn't stomach ANY country music, but the older stuff kinda grew on me. But Toby Keith is one that, for some reason I can't explain, I would love to see ass-raped with a Cactus Jack-style barbed wire 2x4. Which is weird, because it takes a lot of energy to want to see someone ass-raped with a rusty razor-wire wrestling implement; that goes WAY beyond the general apathy that I reserve for all the rest of post-Garth country musicians. I think it might have started with the video starring him and Willie Nelson as police officers on a manhunt for a child rapist ... but to back that up would involve doing a Google search, and I'm just too tired this evening.
But Keith was on the Colbert Report last night/ this evening (I just caught the repeat), and granted, this might have been a repeat of a much older show with the WGA strike, but hey, any old book that you haven't read is a new book to you. And Colbert was just kissing his ass, and other than ol' Tobe dodging the question over whether or not he'd kick the fat Dixie Chick outta bed if she went all unpatriotic, the interview was very soft. And then, Toby Keith sang his song, "High Maintenance Woman." The setup was, to paraphrase, "It's a song about a high class woman and a maintenance man who's in love with her, and how she won't have anything to do with him."
Okay, here's the lyrics, and I'm not even fucking joking:
I see her layin' by the poolside every day
She ain't got a lot on
She ain't got a lot to say
She wouldn't look my way
But buddy, what do you expect
I'm just the fix-it-up boy at the apartment complex
And she'll go out dancin' 'bout seven-fifteen
Climb into the back of a long limosine
I know where she's goin'
She's goin' downtown
I'm goin' downtown too, and take a look around
She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't hooked it up yet
But I'm tyin' hard as I can
It's just a high maintenance woman
Don't want no maintenance man
I'm just sittin' 'round waitin' on a telephone call
After water pipe exploded in the living room wall
If your washer and dryer need a repair
You know the hadyman's waitin'
And he'll be right there
Twenty-four hours
Seven days a week
If it's gettin' clogged up ot maby startin' to leak
Just ring up my number, baby, give me a try
You know I got all the tools
And I can satisfy
She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't asked her out yet
'Cause I don't know if I can
You see a high maitenance woman
Don't want no maintenance man
She's my baby doll
She's my beauty queen
She's my movie star
Best I ever seen
I ain't hooked it up yet
But I'm tryin' hard as I can
It's just a high maintenance woman
Don't want no maintenance mad
Ain't no maintenance woman
Gonna fall for a maintenance man
Honest to God, have we hit the all time low for creative output? Is this the best that can be done? I have read about this theory that creativity is really a function of an ether of ideas, that the truly inspired are able to reach into this ether and cultivate an idea into a product, be it a book, a machine, a film, a therapeutic approach, whatever. So, how shallow has this pool become that "High Maintenance Man" was floating on the surface, just waiting for Toby Keith to come along with his skimming net?
I rank this up there with "My Baby Daddy" as something that masquerades as "music," but is really a thinly-veiled earhole rapist.
(I don't know what the hell is up with my "rape" references today, ya'll.)
On the subject of earhole debauchery, click here and I'll give you $50 if you can make it 15 seconds past the part where Fergie fucks up the entry to this Bond song. I swear, when I hear it, I hear, "Live live and live and let and let die let let die;" it's like three different versions of the song playing at once. And good lord, don't watch the video, her gyrations are being investigated by FEMA for being a possible source for cancer of the tuberculosis of the AIDS of the eyeballs. (Thanks, Patton Oswalt.)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
SGM? Golden Corral?
Gentlemen,
I have some ho's coming up from TN this weekend, and it appears I will be riding back to TN with them on Saturday the 22nd. I will most likely fly back to NYC on Dec. 28th. Now Reverend, I know you and I will definitley get up, will any of you other fools be in the area during that time? I don't know my schedule yet, but if we could have a SGM Golden Corral throwdown (or even a single, lonely beer), I'm down like four flat tires.
Oh yeah, and my plans to resume and complete Palumbo's Top 10 Jobbers From WCW Saturday Night this week to kill time while pulling roughly 60 hours a week at the jobby job were foiled when as of Monday...the Jews have officially blocked Science Gone Mad. Jews declare war on SGM? You decide.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
TNA Year End Awards are up!
Over at TNA Wrestling's website...
Here's the categories & nominees:
2007 Finisher of the Year
The Olympic Slam (Kurt Angle)
The Gringo Killer (Homicide)
The Black Hole Slam (Abyss)
The Border Toss (Hernandez)
The Payoff (Robert Roode)
The Muscle Buster/Kokina Clutch (Samoa Joe)
The Scorpion Deathdrop/Deathlock (Sting)
The Lethal Combo/Elbowdrop (Jay Lethal)
The Flux Capacitor (Kazarian)
The Styles Clash (AJ Styles)
My thoughts ? It's nice to see that Petey William's Canadian Destroyer isn't on the list this year, like it is every year. Petey wasn't much of a factor in 2007. Also, I'm of the opinion that a two-part finisher shouldn't really count; the Muscle Buster, I approve of, but on its own merits, without the Kokina Clutch. If you use the "in real life" analogy - that is, "Would the move finish a fight in real life?" line of reasoning - the move that would probably do the job the best would be Homicide's Gringo Killer.
2007 Knockout of the Year
Gail Kim
Christy Hemme
Ms. (Traci) Brooks
Karen Angle
Jackie Moore
Roxxi Leveaux
Awesome Kong
My thoughts? Gail Kim just edges out Christy Hemme, simply because Hemme has been quite annoying in her onscreen role this year, plus she's saddled with a go-nowhere tag team that's just on the cusp of splitting up, while Kim is the first ever damn women's champ, plus she looks good naked (google it, yo!). Traci Brooks ... you know, if you wanna know what it might be like to titty-fuck Traci Brooks, fill a cather's mitt with cement and have at it. Karen Angle looks like a hot mid-40's stripper. Jackie Moore used to bump the fuglies with Kevin Sullivan. Roxxi Leveaux ... no, no, no. And Awesome Kong just needs to have some more time to accomplish.
2007 Tag Team of the Year
Team 3D (Bros. Ray & Devon)
Voodoo Kin Mafia (BG & Kip James, nee the New Age Outlaws)
Motor City Machine Guns (Alx Shelley/ Chris Sabin)
Latin American Xchange (Homicide y Hernandez)
AJ Styles & Tomko (current World Tag Team champions)
Steiner Brothers (Rick & Scott)
Triple X (Christopher Daniels/ Senshi/ Elix Skipper)
Team Pacman (Ron Killings/ Pacman Jones/ Consequences Creed)
My thoughts? A vote for Team 3D, VKM, or Team Pacman is like a vote for an Independent presidential candidate: A wasted vote. Of the remaining set, you can't really go wrong. The Steiners have looked great since their reunion. AJ & Tomko are very impressive, and they're easily both the most improved, AJ in his promo & character development & Tomko in his in-ring skills. What "team" do you vote for in Triple X? I have to pass on them; that's just more thinking that I should have to do. LAX or MCMGs? I'll have to say that while LAX has done more, the MCMGs beat them in a match on TNA's online show, TNA Today. So, Shelley & Sabin, you're getting the nod; now, don't let me down in 2008.
2007 Inspirational Superstar of the Year
Sting
Abyss
Gail Kim
Scott Steiner
Jeff Jarrett
Kaz
Eric Young
Rhino
My thoughts? I'm not exactly sure what Abyss, Kaz or Eric Young have done exactly to be considered "inspirational." Sting has Jeebus in his corner, so he's probably always going to be in categories like this. Gail Kim, while she is hot naked, won a title, and for that matter Kurt Angle could be considered inspirational. El Hijo del Jerry Fucking Jarrett used his wife's death to facilitate a face turn ... BOOOOO!!! Rhino fought alcoholism, in the form of one good and two shitty matches with James Storm. I'm nodding in Scotty Steiner's direction; he got kicked in the throat, which detached his trachea, and had life-threatening surgery in a life-threatening Puerto Rico hospital & came back to wrestle some great matches, probably his best in a long time. Yep, that's inspiration to me.
2007 X Division Superstar of the Year
Alx Shelley
Chris Sabin
"Black Machismo" Jay Lethal
Kaz
Shark Boy
Sonjay Dutt
Christopher Daniels
Petey Williams
Elix Skipper
Johnny Devine
My thoughts? What, no Senshi? Whatever ... Shelley & Sabin are already better acknowledged as the tag team of the year. Shark Boy, Dutt, Skipper, Williams, and ESPECIALLY Johnny Devine have no business on this list. I'd go with Kaz, if he hadn't spent most of 2007 slumming it in Serotonin. Shit, just vote Jay Lethal, but know this: He could be doing a much better job lamping Savage's style.
2007 Memorable Moment of the Year
Sting Regains the World Championship (Bound For Glory)
Jay Lethal Upsets Kurt Angle (No Surrender)
Gail Kim Wins the First Women's Championship (Bound For Glory)
Road Warrior Animal Teams With Rick Steiner (Slammiversary)
Jeff Jarrett is Revealed as Eric Young's Friend (Impact)
Booker T & Sharmell Come to TNA (Genesis)
Kurt Angle Wins the World Title at King of the Mountain (Slammiversary)
Adam "Pacman" Jones Signs With TNA
Kurt Angle Wins Every TNA Title (Hard Justice)
My thoughts? Anything with Kurt Angle's name doesn't qualify as "memorable," as this year has steered Angle dangerously close to "Jeff Jarrett heat" territory ... I for one am not hating Angle for his dickhead heelish ways, I'm getting sick of homeboy being on television in every segment, holding every title (he's the only other TNA Triple Crown Champion, besides AJ Styles). Pacman Jones (why's he have that nickname?) was memorable for all the worst reasons. I could give a shit about Jeff Jarrett & Eric Young being "special friends." Again, while looking hot with no clothes on, Gail Kim's achievement isn't all that memorable, nor is Sting's regaining of the World title in a match that was just full of shenanigans. Animal teaming with Rick Steiner is "memorable," while Rick & Scott reuniting at Hard Justice isn't?? Booker T's emergence in TNA is the only logical choice, in my book.
Who to Watch in 2008?
Matt Morgan
Awesome Kong
Booker T
Kazarian
Judas Mesias
Black Reign
Rellik
Roxxi Leveaux
ODB
Velvet Sky
Angelina Love
Sharmell
My thoughts? Unless they're doing butt-naked split leg moonsaults on my dick, Roxxi Leveaux, ODB, Velvet Sky, nor Angelina Love have anything I'm interested in seeing in 2008 ... ODB especially, because her shit's already stale, and she's only been in TNA for two months. Booker T & Sharmell aren't "who to watch," because does anyone doubt that Book will get a World title shot right away? Black Reign & Rellik (Get it? It's "killer" spelled backwards, HAW!) ain't worth watching. Kazarian might have some big pushes ahead, but I see him being more X title material. Awesome Kong's a given. Matt Morgan is not showing any signs of being put in the ring yet, so I reserve judgment there. That leaves Judas Mesias, who I've been digging the hell out of in AAA every weekend; granted, if they'd have brought in Cibernetico in the "Judas Mesias" spot, I'd probably shit a kidney, but Mesias could produce some very solid matches with people outside of just Abyss ... if they let him. Mesias as TNA World champ? I'd buy it.
2007 Feud of the Year
Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
Sting vs. Abyss/James Mitchell
Team 3D vs. the Steiners
Chris Harris vs. James Storm
Team 3D vs. the X Division
Christian vs. Samoa Joe
Robert Roode vs. Eric Young
LAX vs. Team 3D
Rhino vs. James Storm
Sting vs. Kurt Angle
My thoughts? This category exposes some things that are wrong with TNA's direction. Sting & Abyss' feud was rife with some unfortunate matches ("Last Rites?" "The Prison Yard Match?") and cheesy melodrama; skip. Chris Harris & James Storm split from AMW, Storm blinded Harris, and they had all of what, two matches (one of which was a blindfold match)? Granted, one match was that awesome Texas Death match, but one solid match does not a "best feud" make; skip. Anything vs. 3D, that's not the Steiners ... pass. Robert Roode vs. Eric Young was lengthy & illogical, and ended up teetering on "don't give a fuck;" pass. Realistically, the only options are 3D vs. the Steiners, Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle, Christian vs. Samoa Joe, and Sting vs. Kurt Angle. Now, look at the list again, and see how many people were involved in more than one feud ... doesn't really make for compelling choices. Plus, they left out the solid AJ Styles/Rhino feud from early this year ... dumb. Now, of the ones that I named as being solid choices, consider this: 3D/Steiners - 2 matches, both won by the Steiners; Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle - too many matches against each other to count, and Joe was made to look like a moron in most of those; Christian vs. Joe - 2 matches total; Sting vs. Kurt Angle - 1 match total. I'm going with Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle, because at least there's a potential payoff in the future available to Joe for all the ills of 2007.
2007 Match of the Year
Sting vs. Angle (Bound for Glory)
LAX vs. Triple X - Ultimate X (Bound For Glory)
Angle vs. Christian vs. Rhino (Impact)
Angle vs. Samoa Joe - Ironman Match (Final Resolution)
Styles vs. Rhino - Elevation X (Destination X)
Christian vs. Samoa Joe (Destination X)
Harris vs. Storm - Texas Death Match (Sacrifice)
King of the Mountain (Slammiversary)
Angle vs. Joe (Hard Justice)
Kazarian vs. Christian - Ladder Match (Genesis)
Angle vs. Lethal (No Surrender)
My thoughts? Gimmick matches galore!! The Storm/Harris match wins, hands down. The Ultimate X match, with LAX & XXX, was very good, and it resulted in the image of Hernandez wearing the big red X around his neck like it was bling.
TNA MVP of 2007
Christian Cage
Kurt Angle
Sting
AJ Styles
Samoa Joe
Gail Kim
Abyss
Jay Lethal
My thoughts? Christian did more for 2006 than 2007. Angle did more for Angle than TNA in 2007. Sting is allegedly leaving TNA for 2008, and he didn't make much impact in 2007. Joe was booked like a dumbass in 2007. Gail Kim, while she looks hot naked, doesn't stand out amongst the pack as the MVP for the year. Abyss ... he bleeds a lot. Jay Lethal ran hot and cold. That only leaves AJ Styles, who provided a lot of great in-ring and promo moments & has shown some of the most improvement than most of his whole TNA career.
Overall, 2007 wasn't exactly TNA's strongest year, but they have all the ingredients for 2008 to be fan-damn-tastic. Me & my South Cackalacka crew have tix for Against All Odds in February, so I'm hoping for some good stuff to happen.
Friday, December 07, 2007
An album to purchase
Queen Rock Montreal -- Queen
A double-disc CD (or three-disc LP!) of Queen's 1981 show at the Montreal Forum. I would make a strong argument that it is one of the best live rock albums I have heard in some time. Queen was at the top of their game when they recorded this and it shows.
TNA Impact for 12/6 (replay at 11pm on 12/8)
Pretty good main event ...
With the exception of one hell of a change in sound quality about midway through, the main event of Impact was highly choice.
It was a 10-man tag, betwixt Kurt Angle, Tomko (who's really improved since his WWF days), AJ Styles, Robert Roode, and Christian vs. Booker T, Kevin Nash, (Frankie) Kazarian, Eric Young, and Samoa Joe.
Match featured: Samoa Joe taking a backflip dive onto the opponents from the ring to the floor off of an Irish whip; Kevin Nash faking a dive from the ring to the floor; Kazarian was all kinds of awesome, especially the opening sequence w/ AJ; and, Tomko's pairing off with Samoa Joe, which featured some serious strong style exchanges.
Check it out if you can; you won't be disappointed.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
An audio-mixing question
So guys,
What programs do you use for audio mixing? Are they free? Which is best? I want to dabble a little over the semester break.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
A serious question
In Microsoft Word, why does the word "Starfleet" automatically capitalize itself?
[Type rest of the post here]
Sunday, December 02, 2007
OllieOX "Leap To Your Death" Promotional Podcast
Speaking of Podcasts, Nate yours was dope! Finally got a chance to peep it.
Anyway, while we're in preproduction (i.e. the lil' scalawag changes his mind 1,000,000 times) for Ollie's new album LEAP, I thought to hold the fans over I would present a mega-mix of some of Mr. OX's Greatest Hits. Plus it's a fun to mix live on Ableton Live, a dope program that otherwise I don't use much.
You can download it here.
Enjoy.
OllieOX - Leap To Your Death
A SpaceLAB Promotional Podcast
Hosted and Mixed by Jake Palumbo
1) An Investigative Report With Biff Rosner
2) Jake Palumbo intro
3) Ollie Vs. Lucy (Jake Palumbo remix)
4) The Hitchhiker * produced by Scorpioflo
5) The Quitter & The Winner feat. James Ciphurphace * produced by Jake Palumbo
6) Dance Like Dust * produced by QBist Sound System
7) W.M.D. * produced by QBist Sound System
8) Wrong Place, Wrong Time * produced by Jake Palumbo
9) Movin' The Continent - Effin Sumbodies feat. OllieOX and Jake Palumbo * produced by Diggstown Thompson
10) Early Morning Rain * produced by Jake Palumbo
11) Ugly As Ever * produced by QBist Sound System
12) Needle On The Vinyl * produced by OllieOX
13) Hard Act To Follow * produced by Scorpioflo
14) Snagga Toof * produced by QBist Sound System
15) Overflow * produced by Roch
16) Sick Horse West * produced by Roch
17) Titan That Flow * produced by OllieOX
18) Tropicana Orange Juice feat. Jake Palumbo * produced by OllieOX
19) Outro
Assorted goods
Nate flooded the zone with a flurry of activity at the end of November; instead of replying to each post individually, here's a quick rundown:
I like watching Billy Mays in commercials for the same reason I liked watching Don West hawking sports cards, but Mays doesn't have the same insane hyperbole as West. "I GUARANTEE AT LEAST ONE STAN MUSIAL ROOKIE CARD."
Evel Knievel dying of natural causes is the most anticlimactic thing ever. There's not even an analogy you can use. Maybe if Bill Gates dies penniless and drunk in a gutter, that might come close, but that's more of a reversal of fortune than a letdown.
After I first read the story of Zoey Zane, dead secret porn star, I did a Google image search to see what was up and some of the websites that hosted her photo shoots had the decency to take the pictures down. I found some others, though. Not bad, nothing special though.
-----
Here's something weird. I received an email from Schmap, makers of downloadable travel guides informing me that this picture I took in New York City:
had been selected for possible use in their NYC travel guide. They found it in a Flickr search, which they use for source material. They don't pay for the usage, but they do ask for permission and their terms of use were reasonable, plus the travel guides are free, so I agreed to allow the picture to be used. My photography abilities are non-existent, so the idea that my picture may be used in perpetuity in an NYC travel guide is hilarious.
