If you can honestly bypass a show called, "101 More Things Removed From The Human Body," you are not human.
It's a documentary I saw on TLC tonight; it showed some pretty gnarly shit being surgically removed from people's abdomens, faces, and appendages. Some of the more fun, and graphic, stuff was a javelin from a chick's foot, a 132 abdominal hernia, and a blinking LED light that is visible to the naked eye when looking at the child's stomach in which it's resting.
But during the show, a counter lists other items, but doesn't cover these. Therefore, the show loses points because it glosses over some of the more interesting potential entries, like "a massager," "hand grenade," and "unicycle."
Of course, this makes me recall a ghastly thing I saw on a surgery show once, where a roofer fell off a house and was impaled through the ass on some shrubbery. I mean, the shrub trunk went right up dude's ass. Woof.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
[TV] Best TV show title ... ever
28 Weeks Later
Spoilers and my review follow the jump, so read only if you have seen it/don't want to see it.
Rarely have I been as disappointed as I was after seeing this movie.
28 Days Later was a great, great movie. The powerful opening sequences with the guy walking around a deserted London looking for people, taking pound notes from dead people, and searching for civilization set the tone for the film. The soldiers topped it off with a contrast to how depraved humanity can be even when it is normal (thanks to Christopher Eccleston's role as Major West). They did it in a subtle way, though. The fight for survival took precedence and sucked the viewer into the film. Even when Eccleston offered Jim the chance to join the depravity, it was still about survival, not about an aggressive military or a warped mankind.
28 Weeks Later takes the good reputation and name of the original and tramples it into the ground.
I don't know if it was the same creative team or not, but either way the guys who made the first one should be followed around with a crowd of 10-20 people chanting "You Sold Out" at all times. When they are in church, "You Sold Out." When they go to Starbucks to have a triple latte smufrledick crunch punch, "You Sold Out." When they are in the club getting tipsy, "You Sold Out." Everywhere they go, they should hear this until 28 Months Later comes out (and you know there will be one, even though there probably shouldn't be). Then, they should hear it louder and more frequently.
28 Weeks Later takes place almost exclusively in London, aside from an opening sequence in which the Infected attack a cottage in the countryside full of survivors. The violence is shot a bit differently than in the first one, but it isn't bad. Standard zombie-fare. After a brief sequence that chronicles the aftermath of infection, we are taken to Gatwick airport, where a group of civilians are coming to repatriate the country. Reconstruction has thus far been limited to "The Green Zone" (no, I'm not kidding, they really call it the Green Zone), which is essentially the Isle of Dogs in London. The group in charge of Reconstruction? The U.S. Army, of course.
Without summarizing everything, Infection returns when a woman is rescued from outside the Green Zone by her children (who were in the US during the outbreak). Turns out she is immune to Rage, but is a carrier. One of her kids is immune to it, one isn't. Her husband, a survivor and a civilian, somehow has an all-access pass to any facility in London, even classified military structures. He sneaks in to see her, feels guilty for leaving her behind, kisses her, becomes infected, and hilarity ensues.
The problem with this movie is that it is too implausible. Yes, it is a zombie movie, but that isn't the part that is implausible. The actions of the U.S. military, who is apparently supposed to be the bad guy in this more so than the Ragers, are so asinine and unbelievable so as not to be taken seriously at all. For example, when Infection first breaks out, the Army quarantines all civilians (ok, so far), but they do this by locking them in an underground garage and turning off all of the lights inside. To top this off, they don't secure the exits and a Rager makes it in. More hilarity ensues.
Because they are on an island, and Ragers can't swim (a fact established in the opening scene of the movie), the Army doesn't fall back across the river and set up a choke point. No, they shoot everybody, whether they are a Rager or not. This includes the Army sniper who leaves his post to try to get the two children to safety and a group of non-Raging civilians who are running around to protect said two children because the Army doctor (the only one, I might add) realizes that the boy is immune and could be used to find a cure. To top it all off, an Apache helicopter shoots at a Volvo station wagon driving through the deserted streets of London to avoid a poision gas attack by the Army. Since we all know that people on Rage are the best drivers, you would think that the Army would try to help them, instead of senselessly killing them. Total non-starter.
So, in conclusion, this movie should have been rewritten more to the spirit of the original. I like my metaphors as much as the next guy, but this whole U.S. Army is bad is simply overdone. And no, I'm not objecting to it because I'm patriotic or what not, I'm objecting to it because it has no coherence. Only three soldiers in the whole movie have anything remotely resembling common sense, and they have to disregard orders to show it. Of course, they succeed in accidentally bringing Rage to France and, ostensibly, the entire European continent, so expect that sequel in a couple of year.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Everything that is wrong with where we are from
You know, I used to rebel when That Other Site used to show pictures of hillbillies and act like it was something to be proud of.
I would change the background to Foghorn Leghorn and other various and sundry things in those days. Especially when the one of the guy balancing a beer can on top of a sleeping hillbillies head was made the POW for the 14th time in history.
If you want to see why I despise those so much, click on this link. It is a story from the Times News. Note the 300 pound woman in a mu-mu, the boy holding the dog, etc., etc. The only stereotype missing is a rebel flag, and I bet if you look hard enough one is tatooed on a guy's arm in the pic.
Charles Nelson Reilly, RIP
Welcome to the big guest panel in the sky.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/05/28/reilly.obit.ap/index.html
Sunday, May 27, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #12
God Of War
This game has a lot of ingredients for a whopping ass great game. Lessee ...
- The story is wrapped steep in Greek mythology, already a wealthy platform from which to launch a game that's this epic in scope;
- Kratos is probably one of the best characters in gaming history ... a character who's an ultimate killing machine could run the risk of getting one dimensional, but Kratos is very well written;
- Gameplay mechanics are kept simple yet engaging ... boss battles consist of mini-games that determine the battle outcomes;
- And, you can't beat a game that gives you a sex mini-game:
In the beginning of Act 2, there are 2 women in your bed when you are inside your ship. If you jump on the bed, A circle will appear above the bed, indicating a Mini-game. Press Circle, and the game will start. All you see is the vase, but as you get further, the vase will shake more and more, until it falls and breaks. you have to press the buttons as it commands it. closer to the end, you have to rotate the Left Analog Stick. If you win, the first time, you get a large amount of Red orbs. Everytime afterwards, you get 5 more.
Courtesy: Gamespot
Saturday, May 26, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #13
Kung Fu Master
For a kung fu "master," our hero's offensive and defensive repertoire is pretty damn limited: A kick, a punch, a jumping kick and a jumping punch, and that's about it.
You are the Kung Fu Master, who embarks on this mission to save your kidnapped girlfriend. Really, the tendency to become a kidnap victim really highlights the weakness of the female gender in videogames. But she's trapped in a tower, and you get to rescue her. Kung fu goons attack you as you progress on each floor; you punch and kick them away, and if the goons come two at a time, a jump kick will disperse them effeciently. If the goons catch you, they hump you until you lose precious fighting energy. A knife thrower shows up from time to time to test your skills. At the end of each floor is a "boss" character:
The first floor - A stick fighter;
The second floor - A boomerang thrower;
The third floor - A giant;
The fourth floor - A wizard that has a tendency to disappear, or form doubles to confound you;
The fifth floor - Another kung-fu master (which means another guy proficient in punch-kick-jump kick fighting skills).
The format of the game is influenced by the Bruce Lee film, "Game of Death." This film was partly finished before Lee took a break to film "Enter the Dragon." Before "Dragon" was released, and therefore before "Game" was finished being filmed, Lee dropped dead. This part, of course, is not reflected in the game "Kung Fu Master."
While not the greatest side-scrolling fighting game, it was pretty damn influential.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
666th POST! WOO HOO!
Seriously, that's awesome, so let's start this off with a link to this: a quickly penned rant about Jerry Falwell and religion. (CAUTION: POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE)
That fat, racist, misogynist, homophobic, knuckledragging, mouthbreathing fuck is still dead and I'm still happy about it.
(The essay is archived as-is in the format of the original site in case anyone is wondering if I redesigned the Multimedia Empire; the only working link is to the cleaned up, expanded version of the essay.)
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I went to NYC. It was awesome. I took pictures. They are not so awesome. I don't understand cameras all that well.
Raw photos.
Selected shots edited to look better.
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I like the new banner. That thing creeps me out and I was literally relieved to find out that was a hoax. Also, I received the WKRP in Cincinnati DVDs today. Watched the two-part pilot. Better than I remembered, to be honest. I can't believe Ron B. hated on it. It's neat receiving mail someone addressed to SGM Research Laboratories.
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"SGM: Putting the OG in blog." I bet some cocksucker is already using that tagline. Fuck 'em. It's ours now.
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Oddly enough, That Other Site is not dead yet.
Monday, May 21, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #14
Ghosts 'n' Goblins
This game out-Castlevania'd Castlevania. Besides, who's a bigger villain, Dracula or Satan?
Anyway, the start of the game is nigh legendary: Your character (retroactively fitted with the name Maximo) is chilling in the woods, gettin' wit' his girl, chillin' in his drawers, when this demon from hell swoops down and scoops the chica up. The question of whether we're talking either pre- or post-coital bid'ness here before the demon makes his entrance, well that's no question at all; if you'd just gunked up a girl's funky monkey, would you waste time saving her from the devil? Hey, I got mines, I don't need the drug trip of Venus flytraps shooting shit out their mouths and zombies. So, Maximo must think this girl's got the golden cooze, 'cause he goes through Hell (literally) to save the chick.
And the worst part is, you beat the game once, you have to beat it a second time to really win the game. You ask me, Maximo, I think it's time to find another girlfriend.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
SGM Super 30: Video Game #15
Metal Slug
War is hell. But war against a Neo-fascist regime conspiring with a combination outer space slash occult force that's determined to dominate mankind? That's just double-hell.
Side scrolling? Check. Moderate platforming? Check. Rescuing hostages? Check. Assorted weaponry, like shotguns, flamethrowers, and missle launchers? Check and check. What the hell is this, Contra?
To me, Metal Slug had the most personality of all the stand-up arcade shooters that were out there. Chief among its appeal was the ability to command armored mobile weaponry, from your everyday tanks, to camels and elephants, to this weird subway spider thing that launched an electrified harpoon into your enemies. The bosses almost assured that you would be spending at least one life per round; the thing that I always thought sucked is that you only saved the hostages you rescued if you survived all the way through the game, losing no life at all ... damn near impossible, even on "easy" during the first scene.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
[NBA] DET 95 - CHI 85
Detroit moves to the Eastern Conference Finals.
Rasheed Wallace is a shitass.
Tayshaun Prince is a god among men.
That is all.
Fearless Prediction
In case you were wondering what I thought about the GOP nominee for 2008.
Fred Thompson.
Write it down. Fred Thompson.
The man will beat Guiliani and McCain because he is simply a better communicator than the other two. He is saying things on his radio "report" (which can be found
here) that are direct and clear. He knows how to use new technology better than the other candidates and seems to have more to say than they do. He also has experience in DC dating back to Watergate and a term and a half as a US Senator. This is not a mere actor playing the role of a politician.
Also, be on the look out for Ron Paul. This guy is a whackjob of the first order. He is a Congressman from Texas who is trying to run as a devout libertarian and assume the "Reagan Legacy." He is this year's Howard Dean. He has about 5 people sitting in a warehouse in Texas trying to drive up Internet traffic and e-mailing everyone who criticizes him. The man couldn't lead a 4-H club to the county fair, much less the free world.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
That is Good News!
I'm interrupting my vacation in NYC to make the following important announcement: Jerry Falwell is dead.
Unfortunately, my old Charter user account where I archived old essays and assorted missives has finally been removed, so I can't link to an old piece I did after 9/11 where the fat cocksucker blames the attacks on liberals, queers, feminists, Jews and the ACLU, but this is fucking great news. I almost wish I believed in Hell so I could hope the fat bastard burns in the hottest depths, but I'll be satisfied with his coversion to worm food.
Praise Jesus.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #16
Diablo
"The sanctity of this place has been fouled!"
If this isn't the be-all, end-all of dungeon crawlers, I don't know what is. The in-game interface couldn't have been easier to use. Plus, the randomization of the game's dungeon areas each time you played was a nice little twist that added much replay value to an otherwise outstanding game.
And even though he was only the first major villain, the Butcher still scares the shit out of me.
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #17
Spy Hunter
Great, now the midi version of "Peter Gunn" is in my head.
I dug this game, although not as much as "Bump 'N Jump," as far as racers go. Although, I have to say the appeal of driving a car with a smokescreen, oil slick, and front-mounted machine guns was enough to get a few quarters out of my pocket.
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #18
Ratchet & Clank
Ratchet & Clank deserves to be ranked up there with the Sonics, the Marios, et al, as this game was instrumental in redefining the platform genre.
Ratchet is a smart-ass cat/squirrel hybrid with the biggest hands I've ever seen on a videogame character. Clank is his clever robotic hetero life mate. Along with an arsenal that includes a gun that turns your enemies into chickens, a huge metallic boxing glove, and a glove that fires inflatable decoys that lure your enemies away from you, this game brings the pain.
It's a very well-written game, and, like some of the most successful pieces of entertainment out there, appeals to young and older gamers alike. The dialogue is humorous (albeit not drop-dead funny), and the exchange between Ratchet and Clank feels pretty natural for a videogame of this type.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Sleeper
I just listened to the podcast, which I apologize for sleeping on. Good inclusions and it sounds like you've got the fades between tracks down. I was caught off-guard by the fade-in at the end of the MOP track and the last track was a good choice to go out on. I favor the Mad Scientific ending now that I've listen; without it the podcast felt naked and abrupt.
Also, the cryptic descriptions keep the Retarded and Ignorant Asshole Association off our backs, but I'd like to know what tracks I'm listening to. We need a way around that.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Why Academe is a Dual-Edged Sword
I love working in the realm of ideas, whether it be teaching, research, or writing. At times, though, there are downsides.
The academy has become fixated on the concept of "diversity." This is not news. However, it has gotten to the point now where people are not even trying to hide it anymore.
On a prominent academic announcement site (kind of like Craig's List for scholarly opportunities) we find this gem, posted yesterday. Here is the title:
"Urgently needed a female commentator for an AHA panel entitled 'Conquest of the City -- Patterns of Monarchic Ceremonial Employment of Urban Space'"
I have had urgent needs for females before I suppose, but one wonders why a female commentator is necessary? Are they expecting this woman to engage in some sort of ritualistic demonstration to go along with the theme of the panel? Will she ask the audience to eat cake?
Then, once inside this post, which in all fairness sounds like a laudable and worthy panel topic, you find this:
"Four male scholars studying imperial processions and ceremonies are looking for a female commentator to gain acceptance for their panel at next year's AHA."
Ah yes. The big, bad American Historical Association won't accept a panel unless it has a female. As if, for some reason, a presentation is intellectually dishonest if it is composed on males only. The feminine voice evidently is short hand for a differing set of ideas or opinions to broaden the panel and make it somehow more genuine.
At times, I just have to shake my head.
Another school related shooting
When the VA Tech shootings went down one of the earliest thoughts I had was the fervent hope that the shooter had never even heard of video games, let alone played them regularly and for fuck's sake not Grand Theft Auto. The last thing the video game industry needs is a high-profile incident for media whore, anti-gaming crusader, and alleged attorney Jack "Douchebag" Thompson to attach his blood-sucking maw in his quest to wipe the world clean of simulated evil. Because as we all know, violence did not exist before the advent of video games. (Homosexuality was also created in 1959 as a Communist plot to destroy America, but that's beside the point.)
Imagine my dismay when today's shooting, which left a paltry one person dead, turned out to be not just possibly inspired by video games, but was a direct result of a dispute over a game console.
Goddammit.
Fortunately it appears that post-VA Tech-shooting-fatigue has set in, as the story isn't linked on Drudge anymore and I had to dig three pages deep at USA Today to find a link. Plus the Fort Dix Caper and the Kansas vs the Natural Disasters stories seem to be keeping it off the front page. All the same: goddammit.
UPDATE: Added like to Jack Thompson's Wikipedia entry, changed name from Jack Armstrong. For some reason I cannot remember this asshole's last name correctly.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #19
NCAA Football 2006
Our review of NCAA Football 2006 comes all the way from Tennessee, from Rev. Joshua:
(NCAA Football 2006 was the game we voted on, although I voted for the NCAA Football franchise as a whole because somehow we voted for the previous game; NCAA Football 2007 was released last year. Not only that, but we're just a couple of months away from the release of NCAA Football 2008. But I digress.)
America's true pastime is football. It has been for years now; reference to baseball as our national sport is nostalgia. NCAA Football is EA's representation of the amateur ranks of America's national sport. Covering the entire top division as well as selected teams from the NCAA's second-tier, NCAA Football allows the average joe an opportunity to take the field with young men from all over the country and do glorious battle on the gridiron.
In both modes the gameplay is the same. It's football, pure and simple, with flourishes like Impact Players: three players in skill positions who, when the game is on the line, make the clutch plays (and usually kick ass the rest of the time). The crowd can (and will) make noise to rattle your offense if you're on the road or pump up your defense when you're at home; success in your program will help greatly by attracting fans to your home games for that occasionally crucial home-field advantage. Rivalry Games against hated schools offer the opportunity to rub someone's face in the dirt.
NCAA Football gives you the two career opportunities: you can create a Campus Legend (formerly the Race for the Heisman) or if you're the type that believes there is no 'I' in team, you can go directly to Dynasty mode. In Campus Legend mode, you take a young incoming freshman and build him from the ground up. Monday through Friday you have the option to study hard, work on your football skills, or make the social rounds. On Saturday, you're the starter at your position on the team. Over time you build your player into a football machine, gunning for the crown jewel of collegiate football's individual accomplishments: the Heisman Trophy. Of course, you can also win a National Championship or two (or three or four) along the way. Like all collegiate superstars, you even have the choice of relinquishing your senior season of eligibilty and declaring for the NFL draft (and taking your Legend to the corresponding Madden NFL release). After your Campus Legend finishes his collegiate career you have the choice of starting over or converting to Dynasty mode.
In Dynasty mode you assume the helm of the head coach and attempt to either create a Bear Bryant-style powerhouse or move from school to school building programs up from nothing. During the season you have the opportunity to do limited in-season recruiting, selling your school and inviting prospective signees to late season games in hopes of mauling a rival in front of your recruits' very eyes. After the season you have five weeks to pick up the best players you can, using points assigned based on your season's performance and your school's overall football prestige. You can send your head coach or an assistant to use one of six pitches (coaching prestige, coaching style, school prestige, location, playing time and academics) to lure the next crop of warriors in. If you're low on points you can reduce the interaction to phone calls or if it's a blue chipper that you absolutely have to have to fill a position on next year's team, you can send the house and deluge the kid with attention.
Once recruiting is finished you run through the spring workouts where you see improvements among returning players. Then you have your spring game, taking the opportunity to work on certain players for even more improvement and determine who your Impact Players are. After that, you trim the fat from the roster, redshirt anyone who you won't need in the coming season and set your schedule. As the season progresses you have to monitor your players' off the field activites; infractions that range from skipping class to involvement in a credit-card fraud scam require suspensions. Running a lax program leads to attention from the NCAA that can result in an investigation costing you valuable scholarships and post-season appearances. After a successful regular season (and any applicable conference championship games) you'll find yourself in a bowl game, with every actual bowl game represented. A bowl appearance and victory and hopefully a top-25 finish is a must, because once the season is over, you've gotta have something to sell to prospective recruits. Success breeds more success, contract extensions and job offers from other schools. And hopefully you'll add some hardware in the form of awards at every position, conference championships, bowl trophies and the Big Crystal Football from the BCS National Championship for your own personal Trophy Room.
Friday, May 04, 2007
The SGM Super 30: Video Game #20
Tetris
The video game equivalent of heroin or crack-in-a-can. I defy you to start a game of Tetris and not play at least one round all the way through. If this game was around at the height of the Cold War, it would have crippled our morale and we'd all be speaking Russian, comrade, cheering for Nikita Koloff instead of against him.
Simple premise: Guide colored blocks down a column, and when you fill up a row, it disappears. As time increases, so does the speed of the falling blocks. There are assloads of variations, from games with three dimensional blocks, to exploding or disappearing blocks, to whacked-out shaped blocks. Honestly, I still think there should be clinics for Tetris addiction.
On Hasselhoff's Drunken Stupor
Our culture is in a dangerous freefall.
David Hasselhoff, most recently known for his role as "Randy Jackson" on NBC's America's Got Talent, likes to sit on the floor and eat cheeseburgers. This in and of itself is not a crime. Nor is the fact that he likes to partake in the goodness of Burger King while shirtless and sloshed out of his gourd.
What should be criminal, however, is the mass distribution of a video his 16-year old daughter made of the Hoff. Hasselhoff is a recovering alcoholic and he asked his daughters to record him acting like a loser....er.....being drunk. This is totally understandable, as he hoped that this would strengthen his resolve in the future to stay on the wagon. When this video is splashed all over the internet at the airwaves on the video tabloids, we have a problem.
How and why was this video released? Clearly the guy is drunk but he isn't doing anything criminal. No doubt some PR man in an office in Burbank decided this would be a good, safe way to get Hasselhoff's name in the air.
The publicity machine in America is out of control. In my early grad school days, I once remarked off-handedly to a professor that MTV was the largest peacetime propaganda organ in our world's history. While I guess you could argue with this assessment and make a case for groups like the United Nations or even the Catholic Church, the industry of celebrity has since migrated and now has a life of its own.
Why would Americans really care if Hasselhoff is a sloppy drunk? Who cares about Alec Baldwin's cell phone calls to his daughter? Why should I care if Anna Nicole's infant daughter is in the Bahamas?
No one can really answer these questions and, until they do, our news programs and websites will continue to up the mountain like the guy in the Cliff Hanger game on the Price is Right. At some point, he is either going to stop and we are all going to win, or he is going to fall over the edge and we all lose.
There is little serious debate anymore about anything. I'm not the first person to bemoan the political culture of soundbites, but when the substantive news coverage is driven by badly-behaving celebrities looking to get their name in the press, it does not speak well for our chances at survival in the long term. Either that or we have wiped out all social evils in our society, and that I truly doubt.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
On the scholarly tip
Now that I have a job for next year....
things are getting back to normal.
I have two courses on the schedule for the fall term. One of them has already filled up, and the other is nearly half full.
If you get a chance, get to your library and check out the latest issue of the Journal of Popular Culture. There are two comics related articles. The one I read deals with a comparison between WWII and post-9/11 comics and the themes they utilized to convey the national mission afterwards. The author refers to them as "children's propaganda," and I have a quibble regarding the target audience for comcis these days, but other than that it is a good article.
The other, on the masculinity of the superheroes body, well let's just say I let that one go on by.
A good book that you probably won't want to read is Michael Hogan's Cross of Iron. It is all about foreign policy and political ideology in the early Cold War. It is superbly researched but reaches near 500 pages of text (hence the part where you shouldn't want to read it).
A good book that you should read is Bernard Lewis's A Crisis of Islam. It is a quick overview of Islamic history that hits the high point related to the War on Terror and Osama bin Laden. Very well-written and brief, coming in at aroun 170 pages. Lewis is legend.
